Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel

Jeks

Well-Known Member
Yeah man, never again. Its our only chance to get out of this mess. Doubt is what makes it difficult right now, but i think, you can take the fact that you get some days of relieve as a good sign, that things will be over one day.
 

zander13

Well-Known Member
@Jeks You're right. Doubt is the worst. Especially when it comes to how much longer this will take.

Boredom has become a real problem for me lately. It's this weird combination of being more in tune with the world but still suffering from anhedonia that has me watching the clock and feeling as if time is inching along.

I'm also experiencing end of the car ride syndrome, where time is slowed by the strong wish for the trip to be finally over after so many hours already spent driving.

My sleep schedule is also fucked up by the withdrawals, so I spend a lot of time awake when the rest of my region is asleep. This brings on feelings of loneliness, which further complicate my relationship with time and boredom.

Get me the fuck out of here, honestly. So fuckin' sick of all of this bullshit. Not even at the 20 month mark, meaning I have at least 4 months to go before I can leave this godforsaken flatline.

Pretty angry about my situation today. The repetitiveness coupled with the boredom is just the god damned worst. My life is so fuckin' bland.

Also: I know this is a different section of the reboot because I haven't had MW in about 2 months. Before, I never went longer than 1-2 weeks without having it.
 
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Jeks

Well-Known Member
However long it will take, you will get better in the end. The fact, that you have got better last time, confirms that you can also can get better this time. In the meantime try to do what is possible right now to make this journey as bearable as can be for you. The most important thing right now is to survive and to get through this. However, i would also try to participate in life as much as you can. From anothe perspective, it might even possible, to accelerate the rebooting process like this, because you are exposing yourself to real life stimuli, that your body and mind have to process, maybe start to get used to and accumulate new dopamine receptors for normal stimuli. But thats just speculation on my part. However, there will be an end to this.
 

zander13

Well-Known Member
@Jeks Yeah man I haven't relapsed to anything once this whole time (couple days short of 20 months), so I'm very confident in my ability to get through this. Just need to endure pain in the meantime.
 
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zander13

Well-Known Member
Had a wet dream and it amplified the rut that I'm in. Really depressing. Makes me feel like I still have a long, long way to go. How can my brain be this fucking destroyed? I just can't make sense of it. Doing really poorly right now, and fuck anyone who says anything to try and tell me to do anything to "fix it". Not everything is meant to be fixed. Some things come and go--that's just how life is. Time is like water--it smoothes everything down while it flows over it.

I fucking hate our culture...vulnerability is a sign of weakness. Well, you know what, I'm feeling shitty, and that doesn't mean I'm a weak person. I'm fucking strong as hell. Watch the Sopranos and you'll get a sense of what I'm talking about. Those guys are, in a messed up sense, living the American dream. Yes, it's crime, but who's, in our culture, more tough than a mafia guy? There wouldn't be countless Tv shows/movies about their crime syndicates if people didn't idolize them in a way. Well, The Sopranos shows us the sides of them that aren't so spectacular. In one episode, a made guy insults another guy's wife, calling her fat. The next day, the guy who was insulted ordered a fucking hit on the perpetrator. That's some insecure, weakmindedness. Those fuckers aren't tough, they're weak. They stuff their feelings down their guts because they're too afraid to look vulnerable. Yet they're so fucking soft that they want to murder someone after a schoolyard fuckin' insult. That ain't tough, that's some weak shit. I'd rather be the guy who says he's feeling insecure than the guy who wants to murder someone because they're afraid of their own insecurity.

America has so many poor qualities it's no wonder that there are so many issues ballooning after only ~200 years of existence. Not like we're some longstanding mega kingdom. We're young, and the "American Dream" has and will continue to cause a lot of people, whose personality isn't attuned to the "winning over everything" mentality, pain . Makes me sick, to be honest. I feel bad for everyone out there who is so out of touch with why they are struggling that they'll never be able to fix it. I know they're out there. I was one of them, and I'm not some remarkably unique person. If I'm having these thoughts, so are other people. It's just so fuckin' taboo to question the status quo that it's so damn tough to speak freely. Societal pressure is a real thing, and it stifles a lot of authentic expression. It's tough to have to be the outsider who questions things, but I'm willing to die by my own sword. I have friends who will have my back, and I'm grateful for that. Wish I saw them more, but these symptoms have me feeling so alienated and alone. So fucking tired of this nonsense. It's just inexplicable. Makes no sense.

Faith, to me, isn't the belief in an amusement park in the sky (as long as you tell a whisp of deity that you're sorry and that you believe in him [why is he a male?]). Faith is believing that there will be a silver lining. It's trusting science and the stories of people who have come before me (Gabe, Darksektur, Don Quixote, Noah Church, Charlie Marcotte, skidreods, others I can't remember). There is no way of knowing how I'll feel in 4 months time, and faith is the only thing that is getting me through the not knowing.

One thing all of this horse shit has given me is hours upon hours upon hours of time exploring the meaning of life. I've developed a sense of self that I otherwise wouldn't have. Questioning the pain has elicited a response that is so fucking unique that I have been sharpened in places that most others haven't been. All of us have, to varying degrees.

I love myself now. I never did before. And this, above else, has lead me to believe that the meaning of life is the exploration of who you are, and constantly attempting to be an authentic version of yourself. This is why I'm attracted to Buddhist philosophies. Authenticity is a high priority with them, and I love that sentiment. There's that banal cliche "be yourself". Well it's stood the test of time and been tattoo'd on many a forearm because it rings true. And, for me, once I started to learn about who I was, I started to love that person. Just like anything. It's hard to hate another person once you learn about who they are. That's just how it goes.

This is all my opinion. Not trying to challenge anyone's faith or anything like that, though maybe I can't say that with a straight face. In subscribing to Buddhist thought processes I am, by default, saying "no" to Christianity. But if we're as free as America says we are, then that shouldn't bother anybody. Which is a funny thought, because my intuition says that it does, in fact, bug people. Maybe I'm being narcissistic, but that's just what my gut is telling me.

Anyways, this post was necessary. I needed to unload all of this shit onto the world through one facet or another.

I hope my journal helps the kinds of people that it was meant to help. My messages aren't for everybody, but I'm hoping that it is reaching the right sorts of people. We're all different.

Wish me luck. Still have 4+ months of difficulty to endure.

My reboot has only gotten more difficult as time has gone on. The past 2 months have been brutal, and I realize that I've been saying things like that since the beginning. Well, I'm not lying. This shit has crescendoed since month 4 or 5. Kind of like I've been getting to deeper and deeper parts of the wounds. Who knows. Not even the most intelligent scientists have been able to truly figure out what's going on in our brains, so my guess is as good as any as far as I'm concerned.
 

Jeks

Well-Known Member
You are anything but weak. I also sometimes have / have had this thought, that others would think about me like that, but in the end i always know, that so many others would have already fucked up so badly in my position. And i know when we are out of this we will be extraordinary people, because we managed to get out of this.
Sounds to me like you would enjoy Europe ;) Maybe its not even better here, but i think there are more like-minded people.
 

zander13

Well-Known Member
You are anything but weak. I also sometimes have / have had this thought, that others would think about me like that, but in the end i always know, that so many others would have already fucked up so badly in my position. And i know when we are out of this we will be extraordinary people, because we managed to get out of this.
Sounds to me like you would enjoy Europe ;) Maybe its not even better here, but i think there are more like-minded people.
I think about that all of the time. I very much want to visit and check everything out. Honestly. Where in EU are you?
 

zander13

Well-Known Member
Yesterday was top 5-10 worst days of my life. Kindling is no joke people. Don't do it. Please don't. The best way to avoid my predicament is to stop relapsing. I relapsed for years, and it took its toll. Make a decision that your life will never be as good with porn in your life. It's just a poison.

Just realized that the past two months have been very similar to what I experienced in October/November of last year.

For some reason it's comforting to compare present times to past ones. Makes me feel safer, because I know that the pain I went through during that stretch ended at some point. It's the only buoy I can cling to when I'm this isolated in my own darkness.

The sad thing is that if the timelines are dead similar, then I still have 5 or so days of supreme difficulty before I can start popping my head out of the water to breathe.

I'm prepared for the worst, though there really is no way of gracefully enduring this type of withdrawal. I'd spend a lot of money to be able to forgo these types of days.

Once I start feeling better I'm going to get a tattoo to reward myself. Don't know what it's going to be, but yeah, I'm going to get one.

One good thing that came from the pandemic were the stimulus checks. Thank you, America.

I read what I wrote yesterday: it came from a place of anger, but sometimes anger erodes barriers to honest expression, especially for me. The only time my family really got honest was when emotions were at their highest (usually anger helped us reach this pinnacle).

Once I leave this place I want to deal with challenging feelings in the moment, and to say exactly what's on my mind at all times, no matter how controversial my thoughts are. I need to embrace confrontation when it is required...staying silent is excruciatingly unhealthy.
 

zander13

Well-Known Member
Went out drinking last night and started to display old patterns that I've been working so hard to get rid of. Sitting in my bed right now regretting my decisions and thought processes. I really don't like the way I represented myself in conversation.

Withdrawals only fuck all of this shit up. On some days when I have zero sexual presence I can become quite insecure and unmanly. When this insecurity is running the show, I'm much more prone to return to my old self. I really think that I won't have to consciously worry about staying within myself once I leave the flatline, but for now, I have to be super vigilant about trying to remain authentic an to not dumb myself down so that other people don't feel uncomfortable. I don't want to be that people pleaser anymore. It's unhealthy as fuck, and will lead me down some dark paths.

SO fucking excited to be done with all of this. I want to build a new fucking life.
 

Jeks

Well-Known Member
Had yesterday a similar experience in one of my seminars. Felt super unhappy with myself after that and it bugged me the whole day. Even if it did not help me yesterday, in such situations i have to always think about my elderly neighbour, who is also a big friend of mine and i talk to him about anything. He had liver cancer and had liver transplantation, but is all around such a happy dude and had and has a great life. And he always says to me, when i am in a bad place and something in my life is not as i would wish or its really fucked: Dont give it too much energy and dont be to upset about yourself and about the situation. You can bve mad, but also try putting things into perspective. In the grand scheme of life this one day i had yesterday doesnt mean anything. I will probably not even remember it in about a week or so, so its not worth it, to get overly upset by it. It did not really help me yesterday, but with a bit distance to it i feel a lot calmer about it today.
 

zander13

Well-Known Member
Had yesterday a similar experience in one of my seminars. Felt super unhappy with myself after that and it bugged me the whole day. Even if it did not help me yesterday, in such situations i have to always think about my elderly neighbour, who is also a big friend of mine and i talk to him about anything. He had liver cancer and had liver transplantation, but is all around such a happy dude and had and has a great life. And he always says to me, when i am in a bad place and something in my life is not as i would wish or its really fucked: Dont give it too much energy and dont be to upset about yourself and about the situation. You can bve mad, but also try putting things into perspective. In the grand scheme of life this one day i had yesterday doesnt mean anything. I will probably not even remember it in about a week or so, so its not worth it, to get overly upset by it. It did not really help me yesterday, but with a bit distance to it i feel a lot calmer about it today.

Yeah I like what he said but I also am glad to have expressed the emotions so that I could both share the burden and process the issue in order to move on without any lingering regrets, guilt, etc.
 

zander13

Well-Known Member
Started working out and eating healthy again. As long as no dense fatigue spells return I'll be doing these things habitually.

Last two days haven't been that bad, which is scary to me. I've been thinking about the future a little bit, and have seen faint glimmers of libido. It's been hard to watch the show I'm sometimes able to tune in to because I've been getting slightly turned on by its PG-13 sexual content. Kind of exciting to have to worry about a dick that is responding to things that don't involve a ".com" in their titles. This also brings on an extra need for vigilance, because I've witnessed a couple people in this nofap community relapse after having slivers of their libido returning, including myself. Movies have caused me many a relapse, and I need to be hard on myself when it comes to watching them in the future. Right now, I'm usually too depressed or anxious to have any desire to put one on, but when the times comes I need to maintain the rules I've been following. Nothing with sexual content. No nudity. Turn anything off immediately if I find myself getting turned on in the least bit.

Sadly, good times never last, and are always followed by pain. I don't trust them, and will never begin doing so until I'm out of the flatline for good.

But I do need to record the positives so that I can depict this journey accurately.

Today marks my 20th month free of porn. Over 600 days at this point.

As I've said, many long term guys have said that their flatlines ended around the 2 year mark. This would mean that I have 4 more months to go. We'll see what happens during this final stretch. I really, really hope that I don't have any "top 5 worse days of my life" kind of days, but I need to be prepared nonetheless.

I don't think that all of my symptoms will evaporate into thin air at month 24, but I do pray that they dissipate enough to where I'd feel confident in my ability to lead a decent life. The first thing that needs to be fixed is my fucked up sleep. Withdrawals keep me up a lot, and I keep weird hours. Once that symptom goes, I'll start looking for a job to help with the transition process.

I also want to start exploring my sexuality. Once my libido returns, I plan on going out there and doing my best to determine what I'm looking for in a partner. Seeing as how I'm seeing glimmers, maybe this will for sure happen by month 24, or maybe even sooner. A lot of the guys on my long term PAWs forum are reporting that their libido's are healing faster than their psychological symptoms. If that happens to me, then I don't plan on waiting to be 100% psychologically before I go back out there.
 

Dantes

Active Member
Congratulations on 20 months! Reading your thread I find myself intimidated by the depth of your experience but also inspired by your ability to endure hardship. Hopefully you can get your sleep, exercise and nutrition fixed. Keep going.
 

zander13

Well-Known Member
@Dantes Thank you sir. Good luck to you as well.

My libido still seems to be dysfunctional in that it's craving the pleasure rather than the intimacy. It wants me to go to strip clubs and try and pick up random women. I can't trust this version of it. It's still motivated by pornography. It still isn't natural or real.

Maybe at some point I'll need to teach it a little bit, but I'm damn sure that at this point in time it cannot be trusted. I think relapse percentages are much higher these days, so I really gotta mind my P's and Q's. Fuck that bullshit. It's evil, and a liar.
 

zander13

Well-Known Member
Just had a wet dream that really left me feeling awful. I don't know why this one is particularly bad, but it is. My gut is telling me to stay extra aware of triggers, so I'm going to do that.
 

zander13

Well-Known Member
The wet dream hit me pretty hard. Still sad that they are able to do that to me. This will for sure take 24 months, if not longer. Whatever. Still on the latter half of this journey by a long shot.
 
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