Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel

Flesh

Member
Just read first few pages and last 4 of this journal. I'm not sure if you understand how dedicated you are zander, how many people would have give up a decade ago in your situation and go on relapse after relapse. The amount of strenght u developped during this journey to not give up on your desire when it's hard, even for a period that seems endless, will serv you for the rest of your life. I'm 100% sure you're about the end of the tunnel, keep going ur about to get it bro.
 

zander13

Well-Known Member
Just read first few pages and last 4 of this journal. I'm not sure if you understand how dedicated you are zander, how many people would have give up a decade ago in your situation and go on relapse after relapse. The amount of strenght u developped during this journey to not give up on your desire when it's hard, even for a period that seems endless, will serv you for the rest of your life. I'm 100% sure you're about the end of the tunnel, keep going ur about to get it bro.

Thank you so much for saying all of this. Damn. Really means a lot, especially during times when I'm not feeling so great.

I wish you all the best my good sir. You made my day when I read this yesterday.
 

zander13

Well-Known Member
Been scanning my excel doc: I've had 3 wet dreams over a ~2 week span. Major uptick when compared to the previous 19.5 months. Who in the hell knows what this means. Just an observation.

My guess is that my brain is darting all over the place as I reach the two year mark. Up, down, left, right, left, up. It's trying to learn how to be normal, I hope.
 

zander13

Well-Known Member
Brain is very much all over the place. My mind is starting to get caught up in things that I should be avoiding, especially relationships with parents and old friends. I'm so fucking excited to break free from this fucking vortex, where everything seems to repeat itself.

I fully realize that I bitch about the same things.
 
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Flesh

Member
Have u think about the fact that it may not be all because of the flatline ? Idk just throwing the idea. Like some other psychological things/emotions u would need to process or something.
 

zander13

Well-Known Member
@Flesh No I'm 100% convinced that I suffer from PAWs due to kindling. My shrunken dick and complete lack of libido are just 2 of many pieces of evidence that support my conclusion.
 

zander13

Well-Known Member
The pain I'm experiencing feels like my body is healing the deepest parts of the wound. At least I hope that's what's going on, because that would mean I'm somewhat near the end.
 

zander13

Well-Known Member
Had porn flashbacks this morning. No surprise--been craving it (porn) as of late. Gotta stay on my toes.
 

zander13

Well-Known Member
Fearful of how much longer I have to go. Going to have to leap a pretty tall psychological hurdle if I don't start seeing some breaks in the pattern within the next few months.

Based on how I feel this morning, I'm starting to think think that I still have to return to the very dark place at least one more time.
 

zander13

Well-Known Member
Holy balls man my brain/nervous system has been bouncing around all fuckin day today. Felt the whole spectrum of human emotion in the span of 12 hours. Obvious joke, but there's a kernel of truth in it. Good god, it's almost comical. This whole fucking this is a comedy. I know that one day I'll be able to laugh at all of this god damned nonsense.

No matter what happens in the next 6 months, I know that time will eventually do its work. Brains are plastic.

My role in all of this is to stay alive and not relapse. Those are my only two goals. I really want to see the other side of the tunnel.
 

zander13

Well-Known Member
Ended up getting drunk last night and hanging out with people from my past who I shouldn't have been spending time with. They are the opposite of empowering.

Regardless, as I said in my last little entry, just need to keep sticking to the game plan. Patience is the answer to these issues of mine. No one is going to be more willing to fix myself than me. No one is going to be more empathetic to my cause than me. It's my responsibility to do what's best for myself. A hard lesson for me to learn, but I'm glad I have. Other people's blueprints for life are just that: their blueprints. I need to design my own.

I want to find a loving partner who will hopefully share the burdens that will come in the future, but until then I have to shoulder most of the weight.

I need to remind myself who I am at every turn, because the environment I'm in constantly challenges my efforts to do so. I'm currently stuck in this weird paradox where I don't quite yet have the consistency and lack of symptoms to truly build a new life, so I'm stuck in the very place that harbored my severe addiction in the first place. I legitimately have to fight off all of these old energies and ways of thinking.

I reached out to my old therapist a couple days ago to help me stay in the correct mindset. Hopefully she gets back to me soon. That has always helped me stay true to myself.

The only positive way I can spin last night is that I'm being taught what not to do, and how to stay within my heart despite numerous entities constantly trying to pigeonhole me.

But that's the brightest shine I can add to my predicament. Mostly, it just seems like a waste of energy.

I guess another good thing that came out of my mistakes last night is I was reminded how ill-fitted I am for this environment, and how solid I need to be in my convictions to escape it. I really, really need to stay true to who I am in the coming months. I need to demand massive change, and to have the courage to follow through with the plans I will eventually lay out.


One more thing that was good about my faux pas is I reached out to the kinds of people who are uplifting to me after I left that group feeling so dejected and misunderstood/invalidated. I do have good friends/relatives/people I've met throughout the years. I just need to quit playing the role of the battered housewife who constantly returns to her abuser. I have some bad habits that I need to break when it comes to this preening for love from the wrong places, but this morning I made some good steps when I reached out to nicer, kinder people. It's such a different perspective when I channel myself through these kinds of folks. I begin to love myself more immediately.
 

Flesh

Member
My role in all of this is to stay alive
Lol ye litteraly the only thing that matters where we are. Some days can be so bad that's tragic.

I want to find a loving partner
That's a motivation of mine too, get all my shit together so in the eventuality of the encounter with a nice person who feels the same, she doesn't get to carry some of the weight I carry myself (my problems).

Good luck
 

Phineas 808

Respected Member
Really being tested right now, urge wise. Need to keep going.

You'll do good. You know what you want to see, as you say above, 'the other side of the tunnel'- and, the only way out is through as they say.

At least you recognize what encourages you toward a 'better self', an optimal self, the best version of yourself- and that group you were with weren't worthy of who you're becoming now.

Stay strong, Zander, and these urges will pass. All you need 'do' is not react to them.
 

zander13

Well-Known Member
@Phineas 808 100%. That's the simple key, not reacting, or being proactive about ensuring that you don't react negatively. I'm totally with you.

Had a wet dream last night. That makes 4 in a rather narrow window of time. Just an observation--not trying to attribute too much meaning to it.

The urge last night was fuckin' intense. Glad I made it through. The harsh mood that accompanied it lasted well into this morning/afternoon, but it seems to finally be settling down. But who knows, maybe this is just a small lull.

My wit and verbal abilities have been really lackluster lately. I feel extra dumb. It probably coincides with the almost complete absence of morning wood for the last couple months. It's all intertwined in this weird way.

A return of libido will indicate that I'm really almost there. Just waiting for that shoe to drop. Might take longer than 24 months for me, but that's kind of okay, because I will not stop until I make it. Yes, it'll fucking blow, and significantly affect my life (in a negative way) for however long it takes, but I've already come this far, ya know? Almost at 21 months. Even it it takes 30, I'm still much closer to that number than I am to 0.

Just need to be careful about these urges. Awareness is key to all of this. I gotta be aware when my brain wants me to relapse, and I need to keep a vigilant fuckin' eye when it's in that sort of sly mood.
 
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