I'm not bothered by gaming. I'm old and wise enough to know that they are a complete time sink. There is no pot of gold on the other side of the rainbow. In fact, they are very much like porn in that regard. There is no winning. There is no finish line. You're never going to find the perfect porn video to watch, just like you're never going to leave the gaming chair feeling like you've actually accomplished anything of value. I use them as a tool to pass the time when nothing else seems to do the trick. I don't like when I'm playing them, and it's embarrassing in a way, but when I'm in the dark places my main goal is to just get through them.
In fact, the last 2 days I haven't played a single game because I'm starting to climb out of the valley and my brain is becoming more open to others sources of pleasure.
So I'm now 2 days away from being 22.25 months free of porn. If 24 months was my main goal, then I'm less than 2 months away. Just need to keep moving forward, because I'm really gettin' bored by all of this shit. The internet is more harmful than it is positive, by a longshot, and I'm ready to not have to rely on it so heavily.
Once I get out of this mess I have so many things that I want to do it's not even funny. I have about a million fucking reason to never relapse again, and I jsut need to keep reminding myself of those reasons when times are tough. Even though I'm most likely done with the dark ages of tis era, they may come back. And if they do, I need to be ready.
More importantly, I need to be ready for the time when my libido starts to fully return. I've already seen some signs of life every now and then, and I've read enough stories of long-termers to know that sometimes the libido returns before the withdrawals subside. If that happens to be the case, then that will be a point in time when I need to make some solid decisions. I'm very much prepared to do whatever is necessary to make it through any high-risk-of-relapse time periods. I'll take a train to New York and stay in hostels, I don't give a shit. I'd give all of the money I possess to ensure that I rid myself of this addiction for good.
Things are going to start changing within the next 6 months for me. I've never heard of a reboot lasting longer than 27 months, and even if it takes me 28, that would still fall within the 6 month threshold (22+6=28). Change, to me, sounds so fucking awesome. I mean, I'll cry my fucking eyes out when I get the gut feeling that my flatline is over. I'll fucking bawl. I'll jump up and down like a god damned child.
I don't know what to expect, I don't know what to think, I don't know the timeline. A lot of unknowns in my life. I don't like that anymore. I'm tired of not knowing much about anything. I'm tired of waking up and asking myself, before I get out of bed, if today is going to livable or not. I'm jsut fuckin' sick of it. I've never gotten used to it and I never will. I don't have stockholm syndrome. I'm not in love with my captor. I fuckin' hate him and have picture, from day 1, how I'm going to rip his fucking eyeballs out and shove it down his stupid throat.
Porn is evil. It will wreck a man (or woman's) soul. It is one of the banes of our society, without question. It lives in the dark, yet is in every single home. It has infiltrated the most basic of our instincts. It's like a poisoned well.
I don't need to point out all that it has done to change our mainstream culture. The popularity of OTC Viagra, Onlyfans, instagram models, fake butts, fake lips, depression, low libido, disrespectful sex, the fact that Pornhub is the most visited website on the planet by a fucking 1,000 miles, and a million other things are impossible to ignore.
I so badly want to finish my story with a somewhat happy ending so that people will know that it can steal a man's soul. If I make it to the other side then I'll be proof that it is beyond anyone's imaginations, evil wise.
It'd be phony to say that my motivation is to inspire others. That's fucking selfish, narcissistic, and phony. I've abstained because I want my life back. I want to know who I truly am, what I'm capable of, what it feels like to experience true emotion.
Part of me firmly believes that most people don't even believe that my symptoms are caused by porn anymore. I operate under the assumption that most people who read this shit roll their eyes and pawn me off as another wacko on the internet. A sentiment I totally understand. This shit makes me a fucking whacko.
I think the way I'm going to rectify my assumption is by posting a video to my journal once I made it. Reading random internet words means nothing to people anymore. Anyone can do it, most people who do it often have underlying issues, and it provides a level of anonymity that allows anyone to shape themselves in any way they so choose. But if people see my face, see my emotions plastered onto that face, and hear the inflection of my voice, then it'll be hard to ignore the words I've written. Nothing can replace true human interaction, and if we can't have that than a video will at least attempt to replicate it. Hell, Gabe Deem's handsome face did a lot more for me than most other things as far as understanding that this shit can affect anyone.
Lord knows I've said some stupid shit on here. These withdrawals morph my entire personality. When I'm feeling dark, everything about me is dark. There is no getting out of it. I become a negative motherfucker. Anger and sadness ooze out of me at equal measure. But I'm not like that. This shit will crush even the happiest man's spirit.
Whatever. I'm still not out of it yet. 6 months is a long fucking time, especially when most of the time is being spent as a half-human. Time drips by when I'm at my worst.
Fuck, I don't even want to think about it anymore. I still don't know any of the answers, and that's probably the hardest part about this whole thing. NOT KNOWING. NOT KNOWING WHEN THINGS RAE GOING TO END. When is this urge going to end? How many more days do I need to abstain? How long am I going to feel depressed? How many days will this relapse cost me? How long will I have to wait before I can feel like my old self? How long until I start feeling confident again? How long until I can have healthy sex? How long will this measly boner last?
Gotta keep working, even if no one else believes that I am in fact working. Gotta put yourself out on a limb sometimes.
Still not out of the snakepit. Doesn't even feel like I'm close, so I'm going to keep operating under the assumption that I'm not. No longer do I expect the best. I hope for it, but I expect the worst. I expect this thing to take 28 months, deep down. In fact, I don't expect that it'll ever end. I'm fuckin' serious. I'm so beaten down that I don't truly believe that I'm going to get out of it. I really, really don't. Other people may have gotten out of long flatlines, but I don't have any evidence that I will. It's a hard emotion to describe, but I honestly don't believe there is another side to this. I'm just that fuckin' taken over by this shit.
But I do HOPE that I will get out. That's the difference I think. I don't expect to, I don't think I will, but I HOPE THAT I DO. I have no evidence that has shown me that the pain will ever go away: I've been stuck in the same 3 month cycle for two years now. I have a thorough excel document that supports this statement. Nowhere in my records do I see a change in the pattern. The darkness is still dark. The okay times are still barely okay. I have no tangible proof that I will leave the cycle.
BUT I HOPE, SO FUCKING BADLY, THAT I WILL. So all I can fucking god damn motherfucking do is not relapse, and to eek out as much positivity during my okay times.
God speed to everyone. Maybe, as time goes on we won't have to operate under the same umbrella that fucked us over in the first place (the internet), but I don't see that happening in the near future. If you think society is a just place where the truth is always revealed than you are going to be disappointed over and over again. No one knows what in the fuck is going on, and most everyone is motivated by their own agenda. Porn makes people a lot of money, and money, to a lot of folks, means power. And we all have read enough history to understand that the lust for power will always cause damage. Porn is taboo to talk about because there is an inherent shame to it.
I'm rambling. Peace out. Don't relapse. And if you do, ask yourself why it happened. Dig deep.