Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel

zander13

zander13

Respected Member
Found myself very much desiring to fall in love earlier tonight. I imagined a scene involving me and a young lady at dinner in some swanky part of a city. It was nice.

3 days away from 23 months.

Feeling pretty lonely lately. Very much ready for a change in scenery, mood, status, etc.

Excited to expand my horizons.

Also aware that I'm still in the flatline, and that all I have is the hope that I will get out of it sooner rather than later. These small positive things are few and far between, and are no true indicator that things are going to get better soon.
 
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zander13

zander13

Respected Member
Was able to be into watching TV again today. Startin' to realize that sex is involved in just about everything. Hard to ignore.

Need to be fuckin' smart about the actions I take. I need to avoid triggers at all costs.
 
K

k-fff

Well-Known Member
zander13 said:
Was able to be into watching TV again today. Startin' to realize that sex is involved in just about everything. Hard to ignore.

Need to be fuckin' smart about the actions I take. I need to avoid triggers at all costs.
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TV is basically softcore p at this point. It's like what a surprise so many people have sexual dysfunctions.
 
zander13

zander13

Respected Member
@k-fff yeah it needs to be navigated.

Got fuckin destroyed by symptoms late night. Hit me like a ton of bricks. Really rough. Surprised as fuck that it hit me as hard and suddenly as it did.

Tired of this game. Really, really fuckin' tired of it. My spirit has been worn thin. very thin. Don't know how I'm going to recover from all of this psychologically. So much pain. I have next to no peers. Lonely. Afraid. Tired. Bored. Just fuckin' over it man. And it's only gotten harder as each month has passed. It's unreal. I can't even fuckin believe it, I really can't. I'm so fucking angry and I have no one to pin my anger on. It's just there. I'm so fuckin angry I just right out cusswords into a document.

I don't know if the anger is all brain shit or if it's anger that is many years old. Am I processing all of the anger I wasn't able to express growing up, or is this all a result of the horrid withdrawals?

rhetorical question. No one understands the brain to that kind of level I don't think. I'd love to speak to an insightful psychologist who believes one way or the other, but I don't know if he/she exists. I'd have to respect them a whole hell of a lot in order to take their word for it.

Sick of trying to make sense out of this complete nonsense. It really makes me question this world. Makes it all seem like there is no sense to it.

23 months is long enough. And I shave absolutely no evidence that I'm going to get better anytime soon. Shit's just fuckin ridiculous. It's old. It's boring. I'm tired of writing on this fucking journal. I'm sick of it all. I'm just fed the fuck up. And as we speak I still feel just fucking terrible. And my brain is so fucking stupid after all of this that I make about a million typos/grammatical errors. I'm a god damned moron. I hate it.
 
zander13

zander13

Respected Member
Time is inching by: no better indicator that things aren't going well psychologically.

Really rough tonight. The pattern is pretty excrutiating these days. Similar to the last cycle of withdrawals. Has me stayin' up until 6 am, and then it'll progress to 9 a.m. Last time this was the roughest too. Who the fuck knows what lies ahead after I get through this stretch.

Of course, I could be completely wrong about my prediction. This shit isn't exactly easy to get a grasp of.

The future is still so hazy. I have no proof that things are going to get better anytime soon, even though I'm now 2 days past month 23.

23 months of abstinence and still no results. Fucking crazy. My brain was just terribly scarred.
 
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Phineas 808

Phineas 808

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Staff member
Moderator
Wonder what you can do to enhance regular dopamine, or serotonine? I know you said you have anhedonia, and I don't know anything about it... Was this because of the p-use at such a young age?

What are your plans to train your brain to find and enjoy the simple things in life?

Wishing you well.
 
zander13

zander13

Respected Member
Phineas 808 said:
Wonder what you can do to enhance regular dopamine, or serotonine? I know you said you have anhedonia, and I don't know anything about it... Was this because of the p-use at such a young age?

What are your plans to train your brain to find and enjoy the simple things in life?

Wishing you well.
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I have still have full confidence that time will take care of everything. I know I say that I have no evidence that I'm going to get better, and that's true. But I believe that it's only a matter of time. I've read multiple stories where it took guys 24 months to leave the flatline. I've also read one where it took a man 27 months. I'm not in completely untrodden territory, though I'm obviously part of a rare group.

It's only a matter of time. It just seems that this addiction is throwing everything it has at me as I approach the conclusion of this journey. 27 months would be rough, but I've already been through 23 of them, so at this point there is nothing that can truly break me. It's a battle of convenience, as opposed to a battle of will.

The pain has only ramped up as I've climbed up in months, and that's been rough, but after last night I've emerged very confident that nothing can break me. Last night was awful beyond words. But I'm still here.

Thanks for expressing interest my good sir. @Phineas 808

One of these days I'm going to get to the top of this mountain, and all of this pain will hopefully have been worth it. If I can make it through this, than anyone can.

All that being said, I need to remain humble. I can fuck up at any moment. This addiction needs to be taken deadly serious. If anything, I need to redouble my efforts. No fuckups.

I pray that things start to get easier, but it seems like the trend is one where things only get harder as I approach the summit.
 
zander13

zander13

Respected Member
I think the next 3-4 days are going to be quite brutal. Perhaps the worst of this withdrawal cycle. Time is going by so slowly because I don't enjoy a second of it. I am the opposite of zen: completely out of the moment. I get a few momentary reprieves where I'm not in deep pain, but most of the time is spent wishing life were completely different.

I hope I'm right and I get out of this soon. If history serves, then I will be. But the thing with these dark periods is that you never really know if you're going to get out of them.

I have a feeling that I'm going to feel quite good once I'm out of this. Or perhaps not. Who the fuck knows. Not going to expect anything. The future has let me down a lot, so I've stopped having faith in a better one.

Hopefully I can leave this whole thing behind me in the next 4-5 months.

It's been a long road. I'm proud of how much pain I've endured, but at some point enough is enough, God. Or science. Or whatever is in control of this thing.

Hardest part about all of this is you can't will your way out of it. You are truly not in control. I guess it's a good way of learning what AA members preach to one another--you are not God. You cannot control everything.

The lesson has been hammered into me so deeply that I sometimes have given up every ounce of control I have. Some days all I can do is let the darkness sweep over me completely. My job is to just survive until it passes.

My case is different than most, so my message bares a different tone. I kindled my addiction into a monster, and it has slowly enveloped my entire life.

Still excited to prove people wrong. And to prove some right.

A part of me wants to shock the small little world that I inhabit. And then I want to build that small world into a much larger, more rich and textured universe. I will not accept the status quo: I want to explore every nook and cranny. Tradition, to me, sounds quite boring.
 
zander13

zander13

Respected Member
still in the dark times, though today has been easier (relatively). Think I have one more cycle, after this one, of fairly extreme mental/psychological turmoil. Then, who knows. I really don't know what to think. Hopefully some decent times are on the horizon, but I'm not exactly counting on it. I'm quite used to being let down by these PAWs.

night was predictably rougher than day. Pain comes at specific times. As I've said, must be times when I relapsed. My memory is bad, but I must've really gone hard at night. Flatline has away of erasing memories for me.
 
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zander13

zander13

Respected Member
rough one today. life stress is compounding the discomfort. when is all of this gunna end? spirit not in the best of places.
 
zander13

zander13

Respected Member
Started making video diaries the other day. I have 3 of them recorded now. They help a lot more than I thought they would.

Even though I'm just talking to myself I still feel better afterwards. Sometimes I just gotta say stuff out loud I guess. There is something about speaking that writing can't do. Both serve a function, I think. They each address different things. Some things, for me, can only be communicated through the written word, while other parts of yourself can only be expressed through speech and body/language used while speaking.
 
zander13

zander13

Respected Member
I do have to say that on some days my interests kind of pop their heads out of the sand. They aren't fully there--just ghosts of their past selves. But this is definitely a change that hints towards an eventual departure from the blandness of my current life.

No idea where things go from here. I expect nothing. Actually, I expect pain. I've been trained to expect more and more helpings of pain.

21 days until month 24. Who the fuck knows how many total months normalcy will take.

Gotta stay smart about the media I consume. Once libido starts to return it'll become another hurdle I'll have to traverse in a deeper way. relapse is not an option. At all.
 
zander13

zander13

Respected Member
Also: think it's time to hang up the video game controller. I'm at a point now where my brain is more responsive to stimuli it seems, and they are no longer serving their function. They helped me pass the time when nothing else could, but now my brain is at a place where they have the capability to lower my already volatile moods. They, as we all know, are another, lesser form of a hyperstimulus.

I'd rank them as a step below weed when it comes to the hierarchy of damaging addictive behavior for me. Porn is at the top, masturbation w/out porn next, followed by weed and then video games.
 
zander13

zander13

Respected Member
Today I have been quite interested in my future. This is quite a positive thing. Don't want to get too excited, but yeah. Things are trending positively for now.

Trying not to get too optimistic, but it's hard not to when I find myself thinking ahead and dreaming of a better tomorrow.

Need to stay focused. Heavy pain is still on the horizon, most likely.
 
zander13

zander13

Respected Member
Day turned on a dime. Feelin' pretty rough right now. Definitely still have my fair share of pain to endure before this is all over.

Want to feel love again so badly.
 
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