Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel
- Thread starter zander13
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zander13
Respected Member
Conquering this addiction would be a tremendous, tremendous accomplishment. Can't forget about that. Victory will taste amazing. Gotta' keep my eyes on the prize. There is a reason why I'm willing to endure the rough times. Can't lose sight of it. No idea when or if it'll come, but doesn't mean I'm not looking forward to it.
zander13
Respected Member
Something's gotta give eventually. Still not out of it. That's 5 days in a row of really difficult days. this addiction is throwing everything it has at me as I approach what I hope is some sort of home stretch. There is still a part of me that believes this shit is gunna last forever, because I still have no evidence that it won't. It's non stop these days. Earlier in the reboot I would have pretty decent stretches where the symptoms weren't so bad, but over the last 3-4 months I've had nothing but fairly difficult days, with an okay day sprinkled in (quite rarely). Maybe I'm just getting at the deepest parts of the wound. At least that's what I tell myself in order to keep moving forward. True faith is required after almost 2 years of withdrawals. Without it I'd be fuckin' toast.
Want to get back to life, though it seems so disappointing as of now. This shit affects my outlook quite deeply. It paints the whole world dark colors.
What am I even gunna do when I leave it? I'm literally starting from scratch. Complete scratch. Whatever. That will be a tremendous problem to have in my eyes.
Want to get back to life, though it seems so disappointing as of now. This shit affects my outlook quite deeply. It paints the whole world dark colors.
What am I even gunna do when I leave it? I'm literally starting from scratch. Complete scratch. Whatever. That will be a tremendous problem to have in my eyes.
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zander13
Respected Member
Less than 2 weeks away from 24 months now.
Still have no idea where I'm at in relation to the "finish line". I've never heard of a reboot taking longer than 27 months or so, but I hope to God that mine ends sooner.
My dreams are still, for the majority of the time, dealing with the past. Like, early high school days. This shit, without question, stunted my emotional and psychological growth, and I'm still processing all of the things that porn numbed.
The end will come when it is supposed to. If there are more things for me to process, then that's what has to happen. I just wish it didn't take so damn long, and I wish the symptoms weren't so damn severe all of the time.
I've come a long way. I feel like I've aged about 10 years within the past 23 months. I'm not joking.
Makes me feel bad for my older brother. Though he's 32-33 years of age, he is still a freshman highschooler living in a grown man's body. He watches porn every day, for hours. He also smokes (cigarettes and sometimes weed), gambles, uses tinder, and a bunch of other shit I don't even know about. He eats fast food every day and orders about 20 dollars worth each time. The man blunts every emotion/thought under the sun.
He has mental illness so it's hard to blame him, but that doesn't alleviate the fact that he will forever be emotionally stunted due to all of his addictions. After spending 10 years or so facing my one single addiction, I can't even imagine how long it would take for him to process all of the trauma he has ignored through excess dopamine binging.
I have depression and a touch of bipolar, so I know what it's like to self-medicate. We also have a set of parents that are emotionally immature in their own right. That's not an easy combination to overcome. Life isn't fair sometimes.
I haven't spoken to my parents in a while because it's what is best for me. Time and space have allowed me to no longer actively ahte them. I now see them as people, as opposed to something more sinister.
I think the greatest crime emotionally immature people commit is to not allow other people to be themselves. Everyone is, in a way, an extension of their own world. People end up getting used.
My Dad's parents are fairly awful people, so in some ways I congratulate my Dad on the positive qualities he does possess. He tried/tries his best. Being around my grandfather is about 5 times more toxic than being around him. The man is a true energy suck.
It's up to me to break the generational rot. This addiction has helped me understand that things aren't okay. I couldn't avoid it. I couldn't avoid how rotten I felt on the inside. It kind of forced me to look for outside help, and I was lucky enough that my parents paid for therapy and allowed me to leave the bubble. I will always be thankful for that. Therapy truly saved my life, though I will say that I began to look towards a new path before I went to talk to someone. The blueprint I was given wasn't working for me, at all.
I don't know what the future holds. I do know that I'm sick of these symptoms. But I can't force them to go away. They'll dissipate when they dissipate.
Whatever. Can't get too esoteric right now. Still have a lot of work to do. I hope the pain stops being so severe, but I still always expect the worst. Shit has only gotten harder as time has gone on.
Still have no idea where I'm at in relation to the "finish line". I've never heard of a reboot taking longer than 27 months or so, but I hope to God that mine ends sooner.
My dreams are still, for the majority of the time, dealing with the past. Like, early high school days. This shit, without question, stunted my emotional and psychological growth, and I'm still processing all of the things that porn numbed.
The end will come when it is supposed to. If there are more things for me to process, then that's what has to happen. I just wish it didn't take so damn long, and I wish the symptoms weren't so damn severe all of the time.
I've come a long way. I feel like I've aged about 10 years within the past 23 months. I'm not joking.
Makes me feel bad for my older brother. Though he's 32-33 years of age, he is still a freshman highschooler living in a grown man's body. He watches porn every day, for hours. He also smokes (cigarettes and sometimes weed), gambles, uses tinder, and a bunch of other shit I don't even know about. He eats fast food every day and orders about 20 dollars worth each time. The man blunts every emotion/thought under the sun.
He has mental illness so it's hard to blame him, but that doesn't alleviate the fact that he will forever be emotionally stunted due to all of his addictions. After spending 10 years or so facing my one single addiction, I can't even imagine how long it would take for him to process all of the trauma he has ignored through excess dopamine binging.
I have depression and a touch of bipolar, so I know what it's like to self-medicate. We also have a set of parents that are emotionally immature in their own right. That's not an easy combination to overcome. Life isn't fair sometimes.
I haven't spoken to my parents in a while because it's what is best for me. Time and space have allowed me to no longer actively ahte them. I now see them as people, as opposed to something more sinister.
I think the greatest crime emotionally immature people commit is to not allow other people to be themselves. Everyone is, in a way, an extension of their own world. People end up getting used.
My Dad's parents are fairly awful people, so in some ways I congratulate my Dad on the positive qualities he does possess. He tried/tries his best. Being around my grandfather is about 5 times more toxic than being around him. The man is a true energy suck.
It's up to me to break the generational rot. This addiction has helped me understand that things aren't okay. I couldn't avoid it. I couldn't avoid how rotten I felt on the inside. It kind of forced me to look for outside help, and I was lucky enough that my parents paid for therapy and allowed me to leave the bubble. I will always be thankful for that. Therapy truly saved my life, though I will say that I began to look towards a new path before I went to talk to someone. The blueprint I was given wasn't working for me, at all.
I don't know what the future holds. I do know that I'm sick of these symptoms. But I can't force them to go away. They'll dissipate when they dissipate.
Whatever. Can't get too esoteric right now. Still have a lot of work to do. I hope the pain stops being so severe, but I still always expect the worst. Shit has only gotten harder as time has gone on.
zander13
Respected Member
Symptoms are constantly in flux, even more unpredictable than ever before.
Things are changing.
This thing is definitely throwing its worst stuff at me as I approach the 2 year mark. Hopefully all of this ends soon. The suffering makes me lonely, though I'd rather be lonely than have to lie in order to assimilate in any fashion. I have full confidence in my ability to create a new life once I can put this addiction behind me, so I'm okay with my current lot in life, as depressing as it may appear to the outside world.
The not knowing is the hardest part, but that's true of most things (in my experience).
Want love to return to my life. I'm willing to feel like shit for another several months if that what it takes for me to feel that emotion once again.
humans are adaptive. I've actually, in a way, gotten used to how much pain these final months are putting me in. My threshold is very high right now. My expectations are super low. Funny how that works, right?
Freud said that one day we'll look back and feel the most nostalgia for the most difficult times. I hope that's true. I can kind of see his point, but yeah. In the present it all just kind of sucks balls. I could be misquoting Freud, I read that secondhand, and my memory ain't that good these days.
All of that being said, I'm still thoroughly shocked that things have only gotten more difficult as I approach the 2 year mark. I was always expecting things to start dying down as I approached this threshold, but instead they've gotten more difficult. It kinda fuckin blows when you think about it. I haven't read any stories, I don't think, that report more difficulties towards the end. I'm honestly in untrodden territory at this point. I truly have no peers as of now. No wonder I'm feeling so lonely.
Edit: today/tonight ended up being one of those really, really difficult days. They now come every 3 days or so, not that their brethren have been any easier. This addiction truly is throwing everything it has at me. It's just wave after wave of seemingly never ending symptoms. I do not feel part of this world when shit like this happens. I don't know how I'm doing this. It's brought me to my knees and then some. It jsut won't go away these days.
I hope so hard that I'm getting at the deepest part of the wound. I don't see how things could get any worse. This is the only thing that keeps my faith going sometimes. That once I get through this phase (however fucking long it ends up taking), I'll forever be through with such intense pain and discomfort. I'm tired of talking about this shit. I'm just so tired of all of it. I can't believe it has taken this long. God knows what it's doing to the rest of the world.
Things are changing.
This thing is definitely throwing its worst stuff at me as I approach the 2 year mark. Hopefully all of this ends soon. The suffering makes me lonely, though I'd rather be lonely than have to lie in order to assimilate in any fashion. I have full confidence in my ability to create a new life once I can put this addiction behind me, so I'm okay with my current lot in life, as depressing as it may appear to the outside world.
The not knowing is the hardest part, but that's true of most things (in my experience).
Want love to return to my life. I'm willing to feel like shit for another several months if that what it takes for me to feel that emotion once again.
humans are adaptive. I've actually, in a way, gotten used to how much pain these final months are putting me in. My threshold is very high right now. My expectations are super low. Funny how that works, right?
Freud said that one day we'll look back and feel the most nostalgia for the most difficult times. I hope that's true. I can kind of see his point, but yeah. In the present it all just kind of sucks balls. I could be misquoting Freud, I read that secondhand, and my memory ain't that good these days.
All of that being said, I'm still thoroughly shocked that things have only gotten more difficult as I approach the 2 year mark. I was always expecting things to start dying down as I approached this threshold, but instead they've gotten more difficult. It kinda fuckin blows when you think about it. I haven't read any stories, I don't think, that report more difficulties towards the end. I'm honestly in untrodden territory at this point. I truly have no peers as of now. No wonder I'm feeling so lonely.
Edit: today/tonight ended up being one of those really, really difficult days. They now come every 3 days or so, not that their brethren have been any easier. This addiction truly is throwing everything it has at me. It's just wave after wave of seemingly never ending symptoms. I do not feel part of this world when shit like this happens. I don't know how I'm doing this. It's brought me to my knees and then some. It jsut won't go away these days.
I hope so hard that I'm getting at the deepest part of the wound. I don't see how things could get any worse. This is the only thing that keeps my faith going sometimes. That once I get through this phase (however fucking long it ends up taking), I'll forever be through with such intense pain and discomfort. I'm tired of talking about this shit. I'm just so tired of all of it. I can't believe it has taken this long. God knows what it's doing to the rest of the world.
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zander13
Respected Member
Every once in a while, amidst the chaos, I'll get a short glimpse of a libido.
I played video games yesterday and they, without question, cause me intense pain at this point. I'm in the process of uninstalling all of the ones that I own. My brain is changing, and I need to confront my issue with video games. They no longer fit into my life. I used them to pass the time, as I've said before, but now they just hurt me. This is a recent phenomenon, and a sign that things are still changing upstairs. Perhaps my brain is becoming more sensitive to external stimuli.
I was able to quit porn up to this point, and now I need to apply the same techniques to quitting these games.
My brain just gets addicted to shit, hardcore. Gotta' be careful for the rest of my life. I find myself asking the question: "why?" Within the next year I'll learn a lot about it, I hope.
Edit: Did some searching this morning: found a book written by a guy who has worked with drug addicts in the East side of Vancouver. Gabor Mate. Without having read the book (it's on its way), it seems that he believes addiction to be the result of someone who, by himself, cannot deal with the amount of pain he is experiencing. Mr. Mate thinks it's a way to cope with turmoil. Addicts, to him, are using their drug of choice to but a bandage over something. Now what that turmoil can entail is something I'll read about later. The common ones he listed are abuse, neglect, trauma. But I'm sure there are others. I know mental illness is one of them, hence the term "self-medication".
One thing I'm still dying to figure out is what my mental illness is like without the withdrawals in my life. Do they mask a deeper sadness, or, once they are removed, will I no longer feel the depression I now feel whilst suffering from said withdrawals? I already know that my upbringing caused some damage, but I want to know if mental illness was as big or bigger of a factor. A part of me thinks that the depression is a result of the addiction, but I need to be okay with the alternative.
This is a big, big question for me to answer. Just another of the many reasons I want to escape this horseshit once and for all.
I played video games yesterday and they, without question, cause me intense pain at this point. I'm in the process of uninstalling all of the ones that I own. My brain is changing, and I need to confront my issue with video games. They no longer fit into my life. I used them to pass the time, as I've said before, but now they just hurt me. This is a recent phenomenon, and a sign that things are still changing upstairs. Perhaps my brain is becoming more sensitive to external stimuli.
I was able to quit porn up to this point, and now I need to apply the same techniques to quitting these games.
My brain just gets addicted to shit, hardcore. Gotta' be careful for the rest of my life. I find myself asking the question: "why?" Within the next year I'll learn a lot about it, I hope.
Edit: Did some searching this morning: found a book written by a guy who has worked with drug addicts in the East side of Vancouver. Gabor Mate. Without having read the book (it's on its way), it seems that he believes addiction to be the result of someone who, by himself, cannot deal with the amount of pain he is experiencing. Mr. Mate thinks it's a way to cope with turmoil. Addicts, to him, are using their drug of choice to but a bandage over something. Now what that turmoil can entail is something I'll read about later. The common ones he listed are abuse, neglect, trauma. But I'm sure there are others. I know mental illness is one of them, hence the term "self-medication".
One thing I'm still dying to figure out is what my mental illness is like without the withdrawals in my life. Do they mask a deeper sadness, or, once they are removed, will I no longer feel the depression I now feel whilst suffering from said withdrawals? I already know that my upbringing caused some damage, but I want to know if mental illness was as big or bigger of a factor. A part of me thinks that the depression is a result of the addiction, but I need to be okay with the alternative.
This is a big, big question for me to answer. Just another of the many reasons I want to escape this horseshit once and for all.
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zander13
Respected Member
My baseline, over the past 2 days, is quite similar to how it was back when I first started using this website. No joke. Like, the stuff I'm able to do, the things I think about, the anxiety, the small glimpses of libido. I'm very much reminded of the state I was in 3-5 years ago.
This is the baseline, though. The rougher stuff is still rougher, and my sleep is more fucked up. But yeah, I'm at a similar point to where I was a long time ago.
Don't know what this means, timeline wise. I should probably expect some more months of flatline before I level up again. But it's just really fucking weird to be feeling like this. The way I would describe it is this: I think about the future, imagine what some decisions would mean for said future, and do my best to be as productive as I can, but the kicker is that I still don't have the necessary functionality to fully explore my hypotheses.
It's a state that feels much more human than how I've been for the past 2 years, but it's still not where I need to be. There is still a lot of clearing up to do. Brain is still foggy, motivation is still lackluster, and anxiety is still high, among many other things that are too nuanced to articulate.
Just need to keep going. That's all I can do.
The book about addiction is arriving today. I hope I'll be able to actually read it. Them ore knowledge I have the better.
This is the baseline, though. The rougher stuff is still rougher, and my sleep is more fucked up. But yeah, I'm at a similar point to where I was a long time ago.
Don't know what this means, timeline wise. I should probably expect some more months of flatline before I level up again. But it's just really fucking weird to be feeling like this. The way I would describe it is this: I think about the future, imagine what some decisions would mean for said future, and do my best to be as productive as I can, but the kicker is that I still don't have the necessary functionality to fully explore my hypotheses.
It's a state that feels much more human than how I've been for the past 2 years, but it's still not where I need to be. There is still a lot of clearing up to do. Brain is still foggy, motivation is still lackluster, and anxiety is still high, among many other things that are too nuanced to articulate.
Just need to keep going. That's all I can do.
The book about addiction is arriving today. I hope I'll be able to actually read it. Them ore knowledge I have the better.
zander13
Respected Member
Finding myself wanting to see what girlfriends of people I admire look like (a singer, movie star). Gotta stop that shit. Don't think it's too unhealthy atm, but there is just no need for it. Comin' down to the wire. So close to doing something seemingly impossible. Gotta be smarter. Really need to stay on my toes and to be mindful.
zander13
Respected Member
Had a wet dream yesterday and am now coming to the realization that I'm experiencing a chaser effect today.
Exactly a week away from 24 months, and I don't think that I'm anywhere near being rid of this flatline. Sad to think about, but there's nothing I can actively do to change it.
If I have to keep surviving then I will, though I do hope that I'll get out of this hellhole eventually.
Exactly a week away from 24 months, and I don't think that I'm anywhere near being rid of this flatline. Sad to think about, but there's nothing I can actively do to change it.
If I have to keep surviving then I will, though I do hope that I'll get out of this hellhole eventually.
zander13
Respected Member
Starting to feel exasperated again. Think this is more of a result of the symptoms than any sort of circumstantial, cumulative effect. The pain is the main defining factor when it comes to my moods. This addiction still controls 95% of my life. It dictates nearly everything.
Yeah man, I don't know what to say. 5 days from 2 years and I still feel like I have another year to go. I'm still only 50% of myself. This alone makes me feel so angry that I don't even have words to quantify my anger. It's just....insanity. My life is so thoroughly shitty.
Not very happy at the moment. Just in shock, to be honest. Hard to wrap my head around this ridiculousness some days.
Edit: I take part of that back. It is a cumulative thing as well. 2 years of a numb dick is rather depressing. As is 2 years of emotional turmoil and an inability to do basic human tasks.
Yeah man, I don't know what to say. 5 days from 2 years and I still feel like I have another year to go. I'm still only 50% of myself. This alone makes me feel so angry that I don't even have words to quantify my anger. It's just....insanity. My life is so thoroughly shitty.
Not very happy at the moment. Just in shock, to be honest. Hard to wrap my head around this ridiculousness some days.
Edit: I take part of that back. It is a cumulative thing as well. 2 years of a numb dick is rather depressing. As is 2 years of emotional turmoil and an inability to do basic human tasks.
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zander13
Respected Member
I fucked up and played video games today. What they do, I've figured out, is exacerbate whatever symptoms I'm already experiencing. Since I seem to be in the most difficult portion of my entire reboot, there is never a good time to play them.
It's this weird catch 22 where my anhedonia is so bad that real life doesn't do much for me, and I'm bored all of the time. Video games, if anything, help alleviate the boredom and help time go by. So I turn to them. Which is a mistake, because they make things worse.
I just need to get out of this flatline. But, in the meantime, I gotta stop playing video games man. My brain wasn't made to handle shit like that.
It's this weird catch 22 where my anhedonia is so bad that real life doesn't do much for me, and I'm bored all of the time. Video games, if anything, help alleviate the boredom and help time go by. So I turn to them. Which is a mistake, because they make things worse.
I just need to get out of this flatline. But, in the meantime, I gotta stop playing video games man. My brain wasn't made to handle shit like that.
Escapeandnevercomeback
Respected Member
Man, I don't want to stress you out with words that you've probably heard a lot of times. I only want to say this: You've made it this far and survived, you will survive the next period and come out strong.
Escapeandnevercomeback
Respected Member
Anhedonia sucks, man. I had anhedonia for a few years, it started when I was 19. Maybe for 6 years. It could be more, I don't know. I still experience stuff like that after I binge PMO. That's why nowadays I feel like, when I stay away from porn, I get to see my joy returning for stuff that once made me feel nothing. It's about those chemicals in the brain, the fuckin chemicals.
zander13
Respected Member
@Escapeandnevercomeback Damn straight man. They seem to have quite a bit of say when it comes to how life goes.
Earlier today was fucking rough. Now, not so bad.
I don't give a fuck how much pain this horseshit addiction throws at me. I'm gunna fuckin beat it. Just gotta not give in. The fact that it's throwing haymakers means it's starting to feel cornered. It's lashing out in self defense. Fuck it. Sonuvabitch. Gotta stay on my game: the pleads for relapse have perhaps never been stronger.
Fuck this bullshit. Time to beat the ever-living shit out of it.
Earlier today was fucking rough. Now, not so bad.
I don't give a fuck how much pain this horseshit addiction throws at me. I'm gunna fuckin beat it. Just gotta not give in. The fact that it's throwing haymakers means it's starting to feel cornered. It's lashing out in self defense. Fuck it. Sonuvabitch. Gotta stay on my game: the pleads for relapse have perhaps never been stronger.
Fuck this bullshit. Time to beat the ever-living shit out of it.
zander13
Respected Member
Sad thing I've noticed: it's is much harder for me to build muscle right now. I do believe the folks on all of the various forums who claim that they build muscle faster once they leave the flatline. Think my body is still devoting the majority of its energy into healing my brain/nervous system.
It also takes my body a very, very long time to recover after working out, probably for the same reason.
Just another thing to look forward to once I beat this shit: a better physique. Still not going to stop lifting and eating right though: the habits are built up quite nicely at this point.
My genetics will never allow me to be an adonis, especially now that I'm getting older. When I was a senior in high school I hit my peak, but that doesn't mean I can't work with what I got. It's a nice thing to be addicted to. I'm an addicted motherfucker, and I need to choose the right things to be obsessed with. No stopping the obsessiveness, but I can focus on good things to be addicted to, like writing and weightlifting.
Think I'm going to put the most emphasis on training my legs: those seem to have the most genetic potential, and I've never really worked on them correctly. We'll see how it goes.
It also takes my body a very, very long time to recover after working out, probably for the same reason.
Just another thing to look forward to once I beat this shit: a better physique. Still not going to stop lifting and eating right though: the habits are built up quite nicely at this point.
My genetics will never allow me to be an adonis, especially now that I'm getting older. When I was a senior in high school I hit my peak, but that doesn't mean I can't work with what I got. It's a nice thing to be addicted to. I'm an addicted motherfucker, and I need to choose the right things to be obsessed with. No stopping the obsessiveness, but I can focus on good things to be addicted to, like writing and weightlifting.
Think I'm going to put the most emphasis on training my legs: those seem to have the most genetic potential, and I've never really worked on them correctly. We'll see how it goes.
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