MoreCoinfident
Member
So you havet god any success i mean stroger erreection stronger libido when doin this no fap?
Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel
- Thread starter zander13
- Start date
zander13
Respected Member
I see glimpses of libido sometimes. Still not that often.
I've been able to get erections after the first 4-5 months of this reboot.
MoreCoinfident
Member
damn man.... this is crazy you have to keep strong im 5 months in and im already depressed that i have low libido still 26 months hard mode?
zander13
Respected Member
Yeah hard mode. Had sex from months 5ish-11, but I don't think it made things any worse timeline wise.
Today was fucking shit. Yesterday was pretty tough too. Think I'm in for another stretch of garbage days.
Still scared shitless by how long this is taking. Also by current people in Nofap who are taking as long or longer than I am. Seems like everyone that I monitor is taking 2+ years. Hard to wrap my head around how unbelievable that is. I just don't understand it.
Fuck it all to hell. I despise it.
MoreCoinfident
Member
if you can penetrate woman then its good man i think thats big acheivment
zander13
Respected Member
Today is devastating. Usually after a day this difficult I'll have a bit of a reprieve. Not always though. I'm pretty fed up with the pain at this point, but the show must go on.
What's more disturbing is that my new job (not the freelance one) is causing me tremendous amounts of hip pain. Sucks because I wanted to do it for a long time in order to prove to myself that I can work something that strenuous for a good while. Feels pretty fucking shitty. Don't know how to handle it just yet, and today isn't a good day to make decisions. I think I'm just going to have to find a new one where I'm not on my feet doing shit. God dammit.
Oh, and in a half hour I'll be one day away from month 26. This will always be the most important thing in my life.
What's more disturbing is that my new job (not the freelance one) is causing me tremendous amounts of hip pain. Sucks because I wanted to do it for a long time in order to prove to myself that I can work something that strenuous for a good while. Feels pretty fucking shitty. Don't know how to handle it just yet, and today isn't a good day to make decisions. I think I'm just going to have to find a new one where I'm not on my feet doing shit. God dammit.
Oh, and in a half hour I'll be one day away from month 26. This will always be the most important thing in my life.
MoreCoinfident
Member
congrats on 26 months i think its massive achievment, but o think if you had sucesfull sex its already big achievment it would be already win for me and if ytou stilll feel shity and depressed meybe there is other reasons for that?
zander13
Respected Member
I'm 100% sure it's a flatline caused by addiction.
26 months as of 38 minutes ago.
Still in a dark-ish place, but I did have some libido today. At work I spoke to a girl and found myself getting slightly aroused. I was also excited by her presence--I could feel it, and my body was reacting to it. Since I've never really felt that before, it was quite lovely. And it wasn't a dirty sort of arousal like I've had before. It felt fairly pure. True libido is more of a feeling--it's a natural kind of magnetism. And I felt a bit of that today.
One guy on the long-term site I visit said that his libido came back before his psychological symptoms faded (at month 25 for him). I'm seeing a little of that. I don't plan on it being constant though. Most of these improvements tend to come and go. Don't think I'll ever have any sort of consistency until I'm out of the flatline for good. I also stop myself from celebrating this kind of shit because I know that there is more letdowns on the horizon. It's just the nature of the beast. I don't trust good shit--I have always ended up being let down.
Good news is that I managed to land 3 clients on upwork, with a big kahuna of an opportunity possibly on the horizon, depending on how well I interview. If I land that job, which is an hourly position, then I'll have to quit my current one. Which is fine. As I've said, I'm fine with the grunt work I'm doing, but if I get a chance to write for a salary I'm going to do it.
My grand dreams are still my grand dreams. But this freelance writing thing seems like a great way to get things started off. I'm still at about 50-65% mental capacity most days, and this kind of work doesn't require much more. Plus it's flexible, allowing me to not have to force it when I'm getting hit by surges of pain and depression.
We'll see what happens. My hip is kinda fucked up so I hope I get the gig. No use destroying my body if I don't have to.
Edit: 2 things. First, today will be a shakeup. Sleep will begin to improve. My excel sheet is on the nose at this point. Knew it would one day come in handy.
Second, I visited my parents. I know that it helps them feel good, but man oh man does it take its toll on me. One good thing I can extrapolate from the experience is that my decision to leave this town is solidified. It's almost like I needed a reminder that I very much need to put some distance between myself and my family. So in a way I should be thankful.
Another edit: Sleep is pretty messed up due to the changes. It'll get better, but for now it's worse. Haven't slept for ~20 hours now, and I don't think I'll be able to anytime soon. My guess is ~6 p.m.
As such, I had to call off work. I hate the idea that I did so, but even more than that, I, during my phone call with the boss, said that "I dono it might be because of COVID". Why the fuck did I say that? Reminds me of my old self. Trying to soften the blow with lies. What am I afraid of? I can't sleep. That's a fact, and I shouldn't worry about people's reactions to it. I can't be on my feet for 4+ hours after not sleeping for over 24. I have nothing to hide, and I'm not subservient to anyone. This guy is using me to make money. He's not some parental figure I need to placate.
Anyways, I'm ready for the day to be over with. Hopefully tomorrow's symptoms won't be too bad. I still stand by my assertion that I'm near the end of the cycle. I just need to focus on that fact. I'm almost through it. And yes, maybe another one will follow. But I honestly don't think it'll be as severe. I think it's safe for me to say that I'm through the worst of it. I may have days where I'll feel hopeless and crushed, but I really do believe that I'm through the worst. I hope that assertion doesn't bite me in the ass, but my intuition has been telling me that it's okay to think that way now.
Still have more pain to endure. No celebrating. Not until I'm out of this shit for good. There's still a fuckton of things that need to be fixed.
Edit: The brutality of today has already knocked me down a peg. It's been fuckin shitty as hell.
26 months as of 38 minutes ago.
Still in a dark-ish place, but I did have some libido today. At work I spoke to a girl and found myself getting slightly aroused. I was also excited by her presence--I could feel it, and my body was reacting to it. Since I've never really felt that before, it was quite lovely. And it wasn't a dirty sort of arousal like I've had before. It felt fairly pure. True libido is more of a feeling--it's a natural kind of magnetism. And I felt a bit of that today.
One guy on the long-term site I visit said that his libido came back before his psychological symptoms faded (at month 25 for him). I'm seeing a little of that. I don't plan on it being constant though. Most of these improvements tend to come and go. Don't think I'll ever have any sort of consistency until I'm out of the flatline for good. I also stop myself from celebrating this kind of shit because I know that there is more letdowns on the horizon. It's just the nature of the beast. I don't trust good shit--I have always ended up being let down.
Good news is that I managed to land 3 clients on upwork, with a big kahuna of an opportunity possibly on the horizon, depending on how well I interview. If I land that job, which is an hourly position, then I'll have to quit my current one. Which is fine. As I've said, I'm fine with the grunt work I'm doing, but if I get a chance to write for a salary I'm going to do it.
My grand dreams are still my grand dreams. But this freelance writing thing seems like a great way to get things started off. I'm still at about 50-65% mental capacity most days, and this kind of work doesn't require much more. Plus it's flexible, allowing me to not have to force it when I'm getting hit by surges of pain and depression.
We'll see what happens. My hip is kinda fucked up so I hope I get the gig. No use destroying my body if I don't have to.
Edit: 2 things. First, today will be a shakeup. Sleep will begin to improve. My excel sheet is on the nose at this point. Knew it would one day come in handy.
Second, I visited my parents. I know that it helps them feel good, but man oh man does it take its toll on me. One good thing I can extrapolate from the experience is that my decision to leave this town is solidified. It's almost like I needed a reminder that I very much need to put some distance between myself and my family. So in a way I should be thankful.
Another edit: Sleep is pretty messed up due to the changes. It'll get better, but for now it's worse. Haven't slept for ~20 hours now, and I don't think I'll be able to anytime soon. My guess is ~6 p.m.
As such, I had to call off work. I hate the idea that I did so, but even more than that, I, during my phone call with the boss, said that "I dono it might be because of COVID". Why the fuck did I say that? Reminds me of my old self. Trying to soften the blow with lies. What am I afraid of? I can't sleep. That's a fact, and I shouldn't worry about people's reactions to it. I can't be on my feet for 4+ hours after not sleeping for over 24. I have nothing to hide, and I'm not subservient to anyone. This guy is using me to make money. He's not some parental figure I need to placate.
Anyways, I'm ready for the day to be over with. Hopefully tomorrow's symptoms won't be too bad. I still stand by my assertion that I'm near the end of the cycle. I just need to focus on that fact. I'm almost through it. And yes, maybe another one will follow. But I honestly don't think it'll be as severe. I think it's safe for me to say that I'm through the worst of it. I may have days where I'll feel hopeless and crushed, but I really do believe that I'm through the worst. I hope that assertion doesn't bite me in the ass, but my intuition has been telling me that it's okay to think that way now.
Still have more pain to endure. No celebrating. Not until I'm out of this shit for good. There's still a fuckton of things that need to be fixed.
Edit: The brutality of today has already knocked me down a peg. It's been fuckin shitty as hell.
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zander13
Respected Member
I'm not an insanely religious person, but I am a very spiritual one. I'm constantly looking for meaning in everything.
Anyways, tonight I just want to ask God for the strength to make it through the remainder of this flatline, especially this difficult portion I've been in.
Anyways, tonight I just want to ask God for the strength to make it through the remainder of this flatline, especially this difficult portion I've been in.
zander13
Respected Member
Christmas day was the best day I've had in a little bit. Symptoms were minor.
Yesterday wasn't horrible, but it was a step down. Still better than what I've been experiencing in the week prior.
Today is meh. Not good but not bad so far (just started). Only thing that's truly bothering me is that for the past two days I haven't been able to write well at all. Simple things like grammar and spelling are completely mindfucking me. This normally wouldn't be a big deal, but because I'm trying to build a freelance portfolio and reputation, this is a severe threat to my plans. I have an interview today and have about 4-5 other projects that are currently in flux. It's always something else with this bullshit fuckin addiction man, I swear to God.
Hopefully the stupidity will lift soon, because I want to get back to working hard on my freelance career. I've already gotten so much work in so little time and I don't want to put out a mediocre product. Fucking pisses me off. I haven't felt this stupid in a while now. Even writing this journal entry seems like I'm running a fucking marathon. I have to force out every word.
Edit: today has been fairly rough. Just gotta keep going.
Yesterday wasn't horrible, but it was a step down. Still better than what I've been experiencing in the week prior.
Today is meh. Not good but not bad so far (just started). Only thing that's truly bothering me is that for the past two days I haven't been able to write well at all. Simple things like grammar and spelling are completely mindfucking me. This normally wouldn't be a big deal, but because I'm trying to build a freelance portfolio and reputation, this is a severe threat to my plans. I have an interview today and have about 4-5 other projects that are currently in flux. It's always something else with this bullshit fuckin addiction man, I swear to God.
Hopefully the stupidity will lift soon, because I want to get back to working hard on my freelance career. I've already gotten so much work in so little time and I don't want to put out a mediocre product. Fucking pisses me off. I haven't felt this stupid in a while now. Even writing this journal entry seems like I'm running a fucking marathon. I have to force out every word.
Edit: today has been fairly rough. Just gotta keep going.
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MoreCoinfident
Member
Bro meybe you have some other problems not only Porn Adiction?
zander13
Respected Member
Today is rather dark as well. If I get through the rest of it then I think I'll see a reprieve. Gotta keep trucking, there's no room to dwell on how fuckin awful yesterday was. Tonight could be awful too, but it'll end eventually.
@MoreCoinfident Hey man I'd appreciate it if you no longer commented on my journal.
@MoreCoinfident Hey man I'd appreciate it if you no longer commented on my journal.
zander13
Respected Member
I just read a story where the guy left a 20 month flatline after he rewired with a woman. I believe that I'm going to follow his lead. It's time to start getting back out there. I don't know how, but I want to begin. Dating sites scare me because last time I used one it was too much like porn and it sent me back towards the dragon, so I gotta do some brainstorming.
I think the ultimate goal is to move out of my hometown soon. NYC seems like a great place to explore my sexuality. It's time. I'm fucking sick of waiting around for this shit to end. Time to take some action.
Edit: I hope this desire is coming from a good place. I'm scared that this is my addiction being diabolical. Why does all of this shit have to be so fucking confusing. I think, at the end of the day, I'm going to get after it. I just need to be extremely, extremely mindful.
I think the ultimate goal is to move out of my hometown soon. NYC seems like a great place to explore my sexuality. It's time. I'm fucking sick of waiting around for this shit to end. Time to take some action.
Edit: I hope this desire is coming from a good place. I'm scared that this is my addiction being diabolical. Why does all of this shit have to be so fucking confusing. I think, at the end of the day, I'm going to get after it. I just need to be extremely, extremely mindful.
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zander13
Respected Member
Still plan on trying to rewire.
But man, I said a while back that this cycle has been easier than previous ones. I spoke too soon. It's been just as or more difficult than any other. Probably even more difficult tbh. I dono. It's all relative. But yeah, it definitely hasn't been easy.
Edit: Dude I've been experiencing some insane cravings today. They got so bad that I just picked up my keys and drove for over an hour. I just drove dude. Around my town. The whole time I found myself trying to actively close any (mental) doors that the addiction was trying to open. I even stopped in a church parking lot for a couple of minutes, hoping that being in the presence of one would help me out a little. It was fuckin' insane. And, who knows, they may come back.
But man, I said a while back that this cycle has been easier than previous ones. I spoke too soon. It's been just as or more difficult than any other. Probably even more difficult tbh. I dono. It's all relative. But yeah, it definitely hasn't been easy.
Edit: Dude I've been experiencing some insane cravings today. They got so bad that I just picked up my keys and drove for over an hour. I just drove dude. Around my town. The whole time I found myself trying to actively close any (mental) doors that the addiction was trying to open. I even stopped in a church parking lot for a couple of minutes, hoping that being in the presence of one would help me out a little. It was fuckin' insane. And, who knows, they may come back.
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Good work taking an aggressive move to go drive. Shows some serious dedication.
zander13
Respected Member
@logicprox Thanks man. I just know that if I give in I'll be well and truly fucked. Rock bottom really is a good motivator. Good luck to you on your journey.
Already starting to make more money as a freelancer than the menial job I took up. If I land the project that's up in the air then I'll be done. My sleep is so fucked that it's really hard to adhere to the schedule anyways. Freelance is nice because if I wake up at midnight (like I did today--common occurrence), then I can get shit done as opposed to dreading going to work with little to no sleep. I like my labor-intensive job and will probably get another one once I move to New York, but for now I'm prolly going to move to full-time writer.
In regards to PAWs (flatline), all I can do is keep going. The wave of severe urges seems to be gone for now. It's all cyclical, so they'll be back in another 2-3 months. Unless I finally break free from the pattern I find myself in.
Not much else to say. These are my tentative plans for how to move forward:
-keep working as a freelancer, develop a portfolio and reputation, begin working on more lucrative projects. At same token, don't want to work for clients aimed at "content creation". Fuck that shit. I respect honest businesses/ventures trying to bolster their sales, but I don't respect spewing out horseshit to get clicks. I've already said no to a couple of clients who are all about that kind of garbage. I also had a client who was clearly on Upwork to find an underling that would do his bidding. He was one of those people who was offended by the fact that I was more intelligent than him, and was playing these weird mind games from the getgo. What a fucking douche. Thankfully, every other client I've had was kind and aware that my ability to write and create was greater than theirs. Play to your strengths in this world, and don't let your ego get in the way. I'm a dumbass in a lot of areas of life, but I'm a good writer. I know that and try to act accordingly. I really can't stand people's thirst for power. It's like the worst instinct humans have. I really, really despise it, and I have a keen meter that can spot it from a mile away. I know that the reason I'm like this is because I grew up with a Dad who was all about control, but still, it doesn't mean that I'm wrong.
-move to NYC once I have a solid enough nest egg to rely upon
-upon moving, get another menial job to help pay bills. It's nice to have a routine, especially upon moving to a new place. I need to stay grounded and be around people in such a new environment.
-eventually go back to school for either mental health counseling or something literature/creative writing based. This will depend on being close to fully recovered from PAWs. Don't want to make a decision that big whilst under the spell of the flatline. I still don't know exactly who I am or what I want yet. I think the ideal situation would be to be a therapist as a day job and write in the mornings, but I'm worried that one occupation will take away from the other. So that's just something I'm going to delegate to father time. He'll figure it out.
-all while doing this, I'm going to make a more concerted effort to meet women. Especially once I get to NYC, though I don't want to limit myself while I'm still in my hometown. The title "working freelance writer" might help me out in this process, though the biggest thing will be my lessened social anxiety and tiny amount of libido and masculine energy, though those 2 things waver constantly. It all depends on the day, and sometimes the hour.
-to not force myself to do shit when I'm really down. I need to continue to trust my instincts. No need for undue pressure. Can't force things when it comes to this flatline.
-continue to stay humble when it comes to the risk of relapse. I'm an addict and a half. If I start letting my guard down I could get majorly fucked. Can't get cocky or arrogant. I'm no better than anyone else on this site. I just have days behind me. And those days could get erased with the click of a mouse. Once the door gets opened slightly the whole thing could fall apart.
Already starting to make more money as a freelancer than the menial job I took up. If I land the project that's up in the air then I'll be done. My sleep is so fucked that it's really hard to adhere to the schedule anyways. Freelance is nice because if I wake up at midnight (like I did today--common occurrence), then I can get shit done as opposed to dreading going to work with little to no sleep. I like my labor-intensive job and will probably get another one once I move to New York, but for now I'm prolly going to move to full-time writer.
In regards to PAWs (flatline), all I can do is keep going. The wave of severe urges seems to be gone for now. It's all cyclical, so they'll be back in another 2-3 months. Unless I finally break free from the pattern I find myself in.
Not much else to say. These are my tentative plans for how to move forward:
-keep working as a freelancer, develop a portfolio and reputation, begin working on more lucrative projects. At same token, don't want to work for clients aimed at "content creation". Fuck that shit. I respect honest businesses/ventures trying to bolster their sales, but I don't respect spewing out horseshit to get clicks. I've already said no to a couple of clients who are all about that kind of garbage. I also had a client who was clearly on Upwork to find an underling that would do his bidding. He was one of those people who was offended by the fact that I was more intelligent than him, and was playing these weird mind games from the getgo. What a fucking douche. Thankfully, every other client I've had was kind and aware that my ability to write and create was greater than theirs. Play to your strengths in this world, and don't let your ego get in the way. I'm a dumbass in a lot of areas of life, but I'm a good writer. I know that and try to act accordingly. I really can't stand people's thirst for power. It's like the worst instinct humans have. I really, really despise it, and I have a keen meter that can spot it from a mile away. I know that the reason I'm like this is because I grew up with a Dad who was all about control, but still, it doesn't mean that I'm wrong.
-move to NYC once I have a solid enough nest egg to rely upon
-upon moving, get another menial job to help pay bills. It's nice to have a routine, especially upon moving to a new place. I need to stay grounded and be around people in such a new environment.
-eventually go back to school for either mental health counseling or something literature/creative writing based. This will depend on being close to fully recovered from PAWs. Don't want to make a decision that big whilst under the spell of the flatline. I still don't know exactly who I am or what I want yet. I think the ideal situation would be to be a therapist as a day job and write in the mornings, but I'm worried that one occupation will take away from the other. So that's just something I'm going to delegate to father time. He'll figure it out.
-all while doing this, I'm going to make a more concerted effort to meet women. Especially once I get to NYC, though I don't want to limit myself while I'm still in my hometown. The title "working freelance writer" might help me out in this process, though the biggest thing will be my lessened social anxiety and tiny amount of libido and masculine energy, though those 2 things waver constantly. It all depends on the day, and sometimes the hour.
-to not force myself to do shit when I'm really down. I need to continue to trust my instincts. No need for undue pressure. Can't force things when it comes to this flatline.
-continue to stay humble when it comes to the risk of relapse. I'm an addict and a half. If I start letting my guard down I could get majorly fucked. Can't get cocky or arrogant. I'm no better than anyone else on this site. I just have days behind me. And those days could get erased with the click of a mouse. Once the door gets opened slightly the whole thing could fall apart.
zander13
Respected Member
800 days today. Seems like a significant milestone.
What I realized today is that I don't even fucking know what it's like to not be in a flatline. My mind will probably be blown to smithereens.
I'm going to try extra hard to not make decisions about who I am or what I'm going to do. It's all so fucking pointless. Not until I'm out of this will I have any idea of what it is that I truly want. All of this is just filler time. It's giving a fake steering wheel to the child in the front seat. I'm not actually driving the car right now.
I am on my knees praying that I don't have to endure another 3 month cycle of horrid sleep, deeply painful stretches, and overall darkness and pain. I'm fucking sick of them. I'm now in the home stretch of the most recent one and it's been brutal. I don't trust anything because it comes and goes depending on where I'm at in the cycle. I'll have vivid dreams for a stretch of 5 days, but then they'll disappear and will not return for another 2-3 months. Life is not meant to be lived like this.
After today and possibly tomorrow I'm going to have some easier days. And the, after that, I'm going to have some really fucking hard ones. And then, after that, I'll be out of the cycle I'm currently in and will have a buffer time when symptoms are at their lowest. My last buffer zone lasted ~12 days, and that was when I reported some of my "improvements". If I remember correctly, I was actually experiencing the sensation of optimism for a hot minute. Boy did the last 3 months beat that the hell outta me.
I don't know what any of this will truly look like, but what I'm most scared of is when the buffer zone ends. If I re-enter another cycle then I'll be fucking crushed. I'll endure it--but I'll be super devastated. These are precious days of life. I'm fucking tired of just watching them go by. It's insanity. This thing has been around long enough. It's time for shit to start changing. I want to feel things again man. I want to try and pursue my dreams before I get too old and rigid. Time is ticking at this point. 30 is 30. I'm not 24 anymore.
To end, I'll list a couple of things I've noticed that are actually positive:
-My dreams have been more vivid the past week. Once again, I don't trust this to last, but that's a thing.
-I am getting this weird influx of memories from when my flatline wasn't so awful. Hard to describe. Vibes from 3-5 years ago that I thought were lost forever. Kind of a mindfuck, though I also attribute it to my position in the "cycle". None of this shit makes any sense.
-my perception is still gradually improving. I'm even more aware of my symptoms and exactly how they are affecting me. I'm also much more aware of what day of the week it is. Crazy to say, but a year ago I literally had no idea what day it was at any given time. That's how cognitively destroyed I was.
-I rode out the cravings. They left as abruptly as they arrived. I don't expect them to return for another 3 months or so.
-I'm at 800 days. The longest reported recovery I've seen is 827. There is another guy who is in his 40s who took 3.5ish years, but I don't want to even imagine another year of this. I prefer to look at his case as an extreme outlier at this point, though I'm not completely ignoring it. It could be me.
Edit: actually, 827 is still the longest REPORTED recovery I've seen, but I'm also aware of a handful of guys who are actually past that date and are still in withdrawals. So, in a sense, there are longer periods than 827--they just haven't fully recovered and written a report about it. One guy is at 30 months (he says he is basically recovered except for some lingering social anxiety), and another is at ~28. There's another somewhere around there too but I can't remember.
What I realized today is that I don't even fucking know what it's like to not be in a flatline. My mind will probably be blown to smithereens.
I'm going to try extra hard to not make decisions about who I am or what I'm going to do. It's all so fucking pointless. Not until I'm out of this will I have any idea of what it is that I truly want. All of this is just filler time. It's giving a fake steering wheel to the child in the front seat. I'm not actually driving the car right now.
I am on my knees praying that I don't have to endure another 3 month cycle of horrid sleep, deeply painful stretches, and overall darkness and pain. I'm fucking sick of them. I'm now in the home stretch of the most recent one and it's been brutal. I don't trust anything because it comes and goes depending on where I'm at in the cycle. I'll have vivid dreams for a stretch of 5 days, but then they'll disappear and will not return for another 2-3 months. Life is not meant to be lived like this.
After today and possibly tomorrow I'm going to have some easier days. And the, after that, I'm going to have some really fucking hard ones. And then, after that, I'll be out of the cycle I'm currently in and will have a buffer time when symptoms are at their lowest. My last buffer zone lasted ~12 days, and that was when I reported some of my "improvements". If I remember correctly, I was actually experiencing the sensation of optimism for a hot minute. Boy did the last 3 months beat that the hell outta me.
I don't know what any of this will truly look like, but what I'm most scared of is when the buffer zone ends. If I re-enter another cycle then I'll be fucking crushed. I'll endure it--but I'll be super devastated. These are precious days of life. I'm fucking tired of just watching them go by. It's insanity. This thing has been around long enough. It's time for shit to start changing. I want to feel things again man. I want to try and pursue my dreams before I get too old and rigid. Time is ticking at this point. 30 is 30. I'm not 24 anymore.
To end, I'll list a couple of things I've noticed that are actually positive:
-My dreams have been more vivid the past week. Once again, I don't trust this to last, but that's a thing.
-I am getting this weird influx of memories from when my flatline wasn't so awful. Hard to describe. Vibes from 3-5 years ago that I thought were lost forever. Kind of a mindfuck, though I also attribute it to my position in the "cycle". None of this shit makes any sense.
-my perception is still gradually improving. I'm even more aware of my symptoms and exactly how they are affecting me. I'm also much more aware of what day of the week it is. Crazy to say, but a year ago I literally had no idea what day it was at any given time. That's how cognitively destroyed I was.
-I rode out the cravings. They left as abruptly as they arrived. I don't expect them to return for another 3 months or so.
-I'm at 800 days. The longest reported recovery I've seen is 827. There is another guy who is in his 40s who took 3.5ish years, but I don't want to even imagine another year of this. I prefer to look at his case as an extreme outlier at this point, though I'm not completely ignoring it. It could be me.
Edit: actually, 827 is still the longest REPORTED recovery I've seen, but I'm also aware of a handful of guys who are actually past that date and are still in withdrawals. So, in a sense, there are longer periods than 827--they just haven't fully recovered and written a report about it. One guy is at 30 months (he says he is basically recovered except for some lingering social anxiety), and another is at ~28. There's another somewhere around there too but I can't remember.
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zander13
Respected Member
Nearing the end of this cycle. Super rough days are going to come into my life within the next week. Could even start today.
The upcoming buffer zone will be kinda nice I guess. But I'd rather just experience another month of pure hell so that I can just be done with it.
Seeing a lot of 30 month recovery timelines. Got exposed to couple more yesterday.
That would mean I'm on the normal Nofap timeline: ~90-120 days. Or maybe it'll take 3 years. Whatever. Never going to stop. Only thing in flux is how many more days of pain I have to endure. I'm hitting the god damned finish line no matter what.
The upcoming buffer zone will be kinda nice I guess. But I'd rather just experience another month of pure hell so that I can just be done with it.
Seeing a lot of 30 month recovery timelines. Got exposed to couple more yesterday.
That would mean I'm on the normal Nofap timeline: ~90-120 days. Or maybe it'll take 3 years. Whatever. Never going to stop. Only thing in flux is how many more days of pain I have to endure. I'm hitting the god damned finish line no matter what.
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