Thanks man. I just know that if I give in I'll be well and truly fucked. Rock bottom really is a good motivator. Good luck to you on your journey.
Already starting to make more money as a freelancer than the menial job I took up. If I land the project that's up in the air then I'll be done. My sleep is so fucked that it's really hard to adhere to the schedule anyways. Freelance is nice because if I wake up at midnight (like I did today--common occurrence), then I can get shit done as opposed to dreading going to work with little to no sleep. I like my labor-intensive job and will probably get another one once I move to New York, but for now I'm prolly going to move to full-time writer.
In regards to PAWs (flatline), all I can do is keep going. The wave of severe urges seems to be gone for now. It's all cyclical, so they'll be back in another 2-3 months. Unless I finally break free from the pattern I find myself in.
Not much else to say. These are my tentative plans for how to move forward:
-keep working as a freelancer, develop a portfolio and reputation, begin working on more lucrative projects. At same token, don't want to work for clients aimed at "content creation". Fuck that shit. I respect honest businesses/ventures trying to bolster their sales, but I don't respect spewing out horseshit to get clicks. I've already said no to a couple of clients who are all about that kind of garbage. I also had a client who was clearly on Upwork to find an underling that would do his bidding. He was one of those people who was offended by the fact that I was more intelligent than him, and was playing these weird mind games from the getgo. What a fucking douche. Thankfully, every other client I've had was kind and aware that my ability to write and create was greater than theirs. Play to your strengths in this world, and don't let your ego get in the way. I'm a dumbass in a lot of areas of life, but I'm a good writer. I know that and try to act accordingly. I really can't stand people's thirst for power. It's like the worst instinct humans have. I really, really despise it, and I have a keen meter that can spot it from a mile away. I know that the reason I'm like this is because I grew up with a Dad who was all about control, but still, it doesn't mean that I'm wrong.
-move to NYC once I have a solid enough nest egg to rely upon
-upon moving, get another menial job to help pay bills. It's nice to have a routine, especially upon moving to a new place. I need to stay grounded and be around people in such a new environment.
-eventually go back to school for either mental health counseling or something literature/creative writing based. This will depend on being close to fully recovered from PAWs. Don't want to make a decision that big whilst under the spell of the flatline. I still don't know exactly who I am or what I want yet. I think the ideal situation would be to be a therapist as a day job and write in the mornings, but I'm worried that one occupation will take away from the other. So that's just something I'm going to delegate to father time. He'll figure it out.
-all while doing this, I'm going to make a more concerted effort to meet women. Especially once I get to NYC, though I don't want to limit myself while I'm still in my hometown. The title "working freelance writer" might help me out in this process, though the biggest thing will be my lessened social anxiety and tiny amount of libido and masculine energy, though those 2 things waver constantly. It all depends on the day, and sometimes the hour.
-to not force myself to do shit when I'm really down. I need to continue to trust my instincts. No need for undue pressure. Can't force things when it comes to this flatline.
-continue to stay humble when it comes to the risk of relapse. I'm an addict and a half. If I start letting my guard down I could get majorly fucked. Can't get cocky or arrogant. I'm no better than anyone else on this site. I just have days behind me. And those days could get erased with the click of a mouse. Once the door gets opened slightly the whole thing could fall apart.