Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel

zander13

zander13

Well-Known Member
At the very end of a 5+ month cycle. I guess you could say that my recovery consists of long flatlines interspersed with mini reprieve periods.

The reason I know that I'm at the end is because of experience, instincts, the stuff I wrote on this forum in the past, and excel (I pulled the spreadsheet back up because I knew something was going on).

The end of a flatline is always the hardest. Been like that since I first started rebooting. So I'm in for some rough shit. Last night was the beginning, and shit got pretty nuts. A lot of negative emotion--mostly visceral anger.

I'm both excited and scared. Excited that I'm at the end of this flatline, but scared of how rough this shit will get. It's an expensive toll to pay.

Wish me luck. I'm at a pretty momentous point in my recovery. I worked hard to get to this point, and I've been waiting for it for a while.

Just over a week away from 30 months of abstinence.

Might be posting more for next few days just to cope with the bullshit.

I pushed back my move day till' Saturday because I don't want to be going through this shit whilst driving and/or sleeping on my cousin's couch. Hopefully this is the last time I have to navigate my life around these symptoms. I have a wedding on the 30th of April and I'd love to be feeling good considering I'm a groomsman.
 
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zander13

zander13

Well-Known Member
So far I'm correct. Yesterday was melancholy and dark.

If today goes how I think it will then the night time will be despicable. And then tomorrow morning will carry that same energy, and then I'll be done with this particular flatline and will never have to deal with it again. It'll be another accomplishment. I'm trying my best to not think about what comes next.
 
zander13

zander13

Well-Known Member
Things have been on the upswing as I thought they would be. the process has been slower than anticipated, and not as joyous as anticipated, but as I look back over the past 2 weeks I can see a lot of good things.

Details of my life are coming into focus. I'm working on fixing a nagging hip injury, removing a cyst that developed on my chest, losing weight, planning a haircut, planning another tattoo, thinking about the upcoming wedding in terms of who is going to be there, how it's going to go, if I'll be a viable sexual creature or not. My vision is also still much better. I'm not all the way there, but I'm almost seeing the world for what it is now. Maybe 80-85% now.

Still experience dips in form. Still experience symptoms every day.

Still rifling through my past through my dreams and symptoms. I had a very vivid, detailed, emotional dream last night that dealt with my college days.

If I had to guess, I'd say that this thing is going to take 3 years or more in total.

The changes are good though. I feel much more functional as a person lately. I have confidence in my ability to interact with the world. I'm serviceable--which has always been something I've craved (obviously).

Sociability is a big one. As of now, I'm talking to friends from the past and somewhat craving human interaction. This is key.

I'm very aware that I could slip back into a valley. If that happens then it happens.

As each day goes by I realize just how deeply I was fucked up. By my last relapse I was a husk of a human. I was scared to walk the earth. This addiction has brought me to the brink of nothingness.

We'll see what happens as time goes on. Right now things seem to be getting better as the days go by, though there are some dips due to the idea that recovery isn't linear. The line of the graph is on an upward trajectory at the moment. We'll see how high it goes, and if it starts heading downwards again (another flatline).

Confused by the future but understanding of the recent past. It makes sense after I go through it because things could not have gone any other way once after they transpired.

Scared often? Yes. Don't think that's unique though.

Ready to regain my ability to read. Then I'll really know that I'm getting somewhere.
 
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zander13

zander13

Well-Known Member
@particularly_respecting , @Phineas 808 , @Blondie : Thanks fellas! Support means a whole lot. Once I get through this completely I definitely plan on sticking around and returning the favor. I kind of have tunnel vision atm because I just want to get through this shit.



Today has felt very nice. Smiling a lot. Sense of humor is there. We'll see where things go from here. Cautiously, cautiously, very cautiously optimistic.

I would guess that though I'm on a higher a plane of existence than I have been, I still have some pain to endure. I'm still not fully connected to myself and the world around me, and that means that my brain still has to undergo change. Change, for me, means enduring difficulty. I have to earn every inch. That's just the nature of my addiction and the recovery from said addiction.

Whenever I start feelin' better I start thinking about the future in terms of career, but I'm writing here, at this moment, to remind myself to not get too deep into speculative thinking. I have narrowed it down to ~3 or so avenues, but it still isn't time to make any sort of definitive decision. I'm still not fully myself.

I have faith that as I approach my true self the answer will uncover itself on its own. Nature and intuition will take hold. At least I really hope it will. Either way, those are good fuckin' problems to have. I want those sorts of problems. They aren't even problems, really. And as I start to feel even better I'm sure I won't view them as problems in any sense.

Excited for what is to come, but still fearful of what lies ahead in the short term, at least in terms of remaining symptoms. At this point I'm exhausted. 2.5 years is a long time to be in a state of PAWs.

As I said, it'll prolly take 3 years, maybe more. Or maybe less, though I don't really allow myself to think that because I want to be realistic and I don't want to set myself up for an emotional let down.
 
zander13

zander13

Well-Known Member
Made some online dating profiles. A girl messaged me and my heart rate spiked. Can't tell if it's because I was genuinely nervous or because it's activating the porn pathways.

We'll see. If I start thinking it's fucking with my recovery then I'm going to stop.

Just want to start spending time with real women. I want to try and see if rewiring might speed things up.

Scared tbh. Think I'm going to call someone and get this off my chest in real life.

Wish me luck. Pretty fucking nervous about all this.
 
Blondie

Blondie

Well-Known Member
Hey Zander. That's great news. Why not give it a try and see how it feels? Of course, like you said, if it starts fucking with your recovery (not the girl but the dating profiles) then get the hell out. But at this point, it might be hard to know without testing it for a while. A real woman definitely could help you for sure, but only if it's the right time.

Either way. Good luck man!
 
zander13

zander13

Well-Known Member
Blondie said:
Hey Zander. That's great news. Why not give it a try and see how it feels? Of course, like you said, if it starts fucking with your recovery (not the girl but the dating profiles) then get the hell out. But at this point, it might be hard to know without testing it for a while. A real woman definitely could help you for sure, but only if it's the right time.

Either way. Good luck man!
Click to expand...
Yeah we'll see. already got some matches, but I could see myself getting hooked. Going to give it a week or trial period. Shit is definitely designed to keep you using it. Gotta be real smart about it.

Edit: Got a few numbers. Deleted the apps after I got the numbers. Still not ready for dating apps. They're too dangerous. Too much sexual related dopamine. Too many faux partners. Kinda plays into the Coolidge Effect.

I'll work with the numbers I got and see if I can meet up and put myself in those real-world scenarios. This can still end up being a good thing.

Once I get out of these flatlines I'll give it another go, but it's just not worth it atm. I've come way too far. I'm gettin' so damn close.
 
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zander13

zander13

Well-Known Member
Experienced pretty intense ramifications due to my usage of the dating apps. Haven't been able to sleep all night and I can feel an inner desire to compulsively use them. Pretty darn upset with myself. Hope I didn't do any long term damage. Time will tell.

Going to return to a flip phone. I had one for 2.4 years and only recently started using a smart phone. I think it all began there. That was the choice that lead to where I'm at at this very moment. I remember the moment vividly because I had clear doubts as I inserted my SIM card. Part of me knew that I was playing with fire. There's a reason I've gone so long without one.

The first thing I'll do when I wake up is get the flip phone and destroy the smart phone. It's a hand me down iphone 6 that was sitting in my brother's junk drawer so nobody will miss it. Good riddance.

Man, I really hope I can bounce back from this quickly. It's been a scary day today. That shit really affected me. It's 4:42 a.m. and I still haven't slept.

I'm never going to use those apps again, and I doubt I'll ever use an iPhone again. I'm too compulsive of a person, and this addiction runs too deep.

Edit: Got the flip phone today. Still very much feeling the effects of the choices I made. We'll see what happens moving forward. Can't say I'm too happy at this moment. At least I get to actually move into my apartment tomorrow. Been staying with Uncle in the meantime and on days like today it's no fun feeling this low.
 
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zander13

zander13

Well-Known Member
Funny thing is, I've noticed that lately I'm finding it easier to talk to strangers anyways. As long as this escapade hasn't set me back It'll become easier and easier to meet women out in the world. I'm fully confident that as I heal more and more it'll get easier and easier. I'll begin to radiate the positive, masculine energy I know I'm capable of.

Just gotta make it through these next couple days. The apps definitely have me keyed up so to speak. I can easily see how they lead to full blown relapse. Shit's not good for your brain.
 
Blondie

Blondie

Well-Known Member
Hey Zander,

I'm glad you figured that out and have decided to move on from the dating apps. I hope I didn't encourage you in the wrong way. And you're right, it's not fucking worth the risk, nothing is.

I'm kind of old-school and obviously older, but I know women really like a guy who has the balls to talk to her in person, probably because no one does that these days - they're all too busy looking down at their phones!

Either way, keep it up, you're killing it.
 
zander13

zander13

Well-Known Member
@Blondie Nah man it was completely my decision. Don't worry another minute. The chain of events started when I took that iPhone and, by proxy, went against my better judgement. A part of me knew it was not a smart move, and I ignored its warnings.

You are also killing it my good sir. Thanks for all the input and support.
 
zander13

zander13

Well-Known Member
2 more big steps to take:

-drive 5 hours to Asheville for buddy's wedding. I'm in the wedding so I'm praying to God that I don't have a bad flare-up. 5 hours back on Sunday. A lot of driving lately.
-move in furniture to my new apartment, set up internet, and get some more pieces as needed on Facebook Marketplace. Uncle has to help me and I'm sort of sick of having to rely on others to set this thing up.

Today is rougher. Probably going to get worse. Think I'm about to enter another flatline. Good news is I don't think the Tinder stuff did any long term damage. Just made me feel crappy and keyed up for a couple days.

Really want to regain my ability to read/watch movies.
 
zander13

zander13

Well-Known Member
Got through the wedding. Now just have to move my shit into the new place and I'll feel like I got to some sort of finish line.
 
zander13

zander13

Well-Known Member
I said I'd report breakthroughs: well today was the first time I've cried in about ~2 years. I'm startin' to feel things again. Might go away but now I remember what it feels like and I'll never go back. It's amazing. Music is making me cry like nonstop and it's just amazing. Thinking about life and all of this shit man. A lot of tears today.
 
Blondie

Blondie

Well-Known Member
Damn man, that is really beautiful. Thanks for sharing that. I know what you mean, I've had moments like that as well recently, and it makes me happy to know it will only get better from here on out.

Onward!
 
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