@particularly_respecting ,
@Phineas 808 ,
@Blondie : Thanks fellas! Support means a whole lot. Once I get through this completely I definitely plan on sticking around and returning the favor. I kind of have tunnel vision atm because I just want to get through this shit.
Today has felt very nice. Smiling a lot. Sense of humor is there. We'll see where things go from here. Cautiously, cautiously, very cautiously optimistic.
I would guess that though I'm on a higher a plane of existence than I have been, I still have some pain to endure. I'm still not fully connected to myself and the world around me, and that means that my brain still has to undergo change. Change, for me, means enduring difficulty. I have to earn every inch. That's just the nature of my addiction and the recovery from said addiction.
Whenever I start feelin' better I start thinking about the future in terms of career, but I'm writing here, at this moment, to remind myself to not get too deep into speculative thinking. I have narrowed it down to ~3 or so avenues, but it still isn't time to make any sort of definitive decision. I'm still not fully myself.
I have faith that as I approach my true self the answer will uncover itself on its own. Nature and intuition will take hold. At least I really hope it will. Either way, those are good fuckin' problems to have. I want those sorts of problems. They aren't even problems, really. And as I start to feel even better I'm sure I won't view them as problems in any sense.
Excited for what is to come, but still fearful of what lies ahead in the short term, at least in terms of remaining symptoms. At this point I'm exhausted. 2.5 years is a long time to be in a state of PAWs.
As I said, it'll prolly take 3 years, maybe more. Or maybe less, though I don't really allow myself to think that because I want to be realistic and I don't want to set myself up for an emotional let down.
