Time to weigh out the good and the bad:
Good:
-starting therapy again this Friday with the therapist who basically started me on this journey of self-discovery. Very important person to me and can't wait to reconnect, even if it isn't in person. Last time I saw her I was suicidal, so it'll be nice to show her how far I've come.
-pretty sure I landed a job that sounds pretty damn ideal for me
-have a date tomorrow with a smart girl (electrical engineer). As I've gotten older I realized that intelligence is very important to me when it comes to women. we'll see how it goes. not putting much pressure on myself or the date itself. Just hoping I'm in a serviceable mood when the time comes.
-situated nicely in my place. got everything, for the most part, set up
-lost ~20 pounds
-libido has never been more prevalent. I feel attracted to people quite often now, though a lot of the times it's still a lustful kind of objectifying attraction. Big difference between using a girl as an object and seeing them as a person. Porn taught me to use and to objectify. This, I feel, will be one of the last things to go. As long as the poison is still in my system I won't be able to be totally present with another human.
Bad:
-definitely back in a flatline, and I know this because my appetite, today, is non-existent. That's the easiest sign to read when it comes to flatlines
-with flatline comes anxiety and depression, though they come in waves they still rock my world
-anxiety manifests itself, on occasion, by making me feel as if I'm letting a good number of people down. I constantly feel as if I should be doing something more, though I'm not capable of doing the things I'm anxious about not doing. It's this otherworldly feeling of being constantly watched by some unknown, faceless entity whose opinions mean a lot to you.
-still can't read
-still dealing with this crap after 30.5 months
-flatline means I have, at least, a couple months of difficulty left, though I'm guessing it'll take 3+ years for it to fade. That's a long fucking time, and I'm not getting any younger. Could also be seen as a positive though, because I'm still much closer to the finish line than I am the start. Depends on the day and the mood that I'm in.
-been meditating daily but my brain still isn't very receptive to that kind of stimuli. going to keep doing it just to have the habit down, because one day it will start to affect things.
-dreams are still stuck in the past. Tired of having to relive all of that shit, though it's obviously necessary for me to do so.
-haven't been able to watch movies or fictional television in a long while