Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel

zander13

Well-Known Member
You're a strong dude at 30. Today is my 34th birthday and I am in hell - that is how it feels.

Have you encountered PIED issues or with dating in general? That's my biggest issue with this.
PIED isn't really an issue for me. I've had it in the past, especially when I was younger, but over the past ~4 years I haven't had much of a problem with it.

Dating, on the other hand, is definitely an issue. The psychological symptoms make it very hard for me to be as sociable as I would need to be to date someone the way I would want to. I'm getting better as time goes on, but I would say that I definitely have issues with it. I had a gf during the beginning of this reboot, but once the heavy stuff kicked in the idea of finding another one was completely lost.

I will say that the prospect of dating, these days, is no longer too far from my grasp. I'm getting close.
 

zander13

Well-Known Member
Experiencing rough patches followed by increases in quality when it comes to my connection with life. Clearer vision, clearer appetite, clearer sense of smell, clearer thoughts. Have been able to read nonfiction in sporadic bursts. Things still constantly improving, though I still endure many an hour when all I desire is for time to go by. I think it'll keep going like this until I'm fully present in the moment. Restored.

Very much want all of this to be over. The clearer I feel the more I realize how much I want out. Feels like it's just outside my grasp.

Hope I'll be out within the next 3-6 months, though I have no true control over the reboot's length of time, and it'll take exactly the amount of time it needs to take.
 
D

Deleted member 28870

Guest
PIED isn't really an issue for me. I've had it in the past, especially when I was younger, but over the past ~4 years I haven't had much of a problem with it.

Dating, on the other hand, is definitely an issue. The psychological symptoms make it very hard for me to be as sociable as I would need to be to date someone the way I would want to. I'm getting better as time goes on, but I would say that I definitely have issues with it. I had a gf during the beginning of this reboot, but once the heavy stuff kicked in the idea of finding another one was completely lost.

I will say that the prospect of dating, these days, is no longer too far from my grasp. I'm getting close.
I wish I never had PIED.

what are you doing to recover and get through it all?
 

zander13

Well-Known Member
I wish I never had PIED.

what are you doing to recover and get through it all?

I'm almost through it I would say. It's never going to be a fun, or easy process. The only way I can make sense of it, cosmically, is to tell myself that the hardship is guiding me down the path I should have been on all along. It's a way to self-awareness. And to confidence.

Anyways, the best way to get through is to not relapse, and to do your best to take advantage of any and all windows of grace. Try and squeeze as much out of the shitstorm as possible. You'll learn a lot, and you will develop character. Hardship is like a forge: gotta spend time in the fire in order to build something worthwhile.

When it comes to the nitty gritty of recovery, you'll learn a lot through your own experience. Also, there are plenty of success stories and pieces of information to mine. That's how I began: I read a shit ton. Gabe has a bunch of videos on youtube, and so do many other guys who made it through to the other side.

Use the journal as it is intended: to express yourself, and with brutal honesty. Painting a too rosy picture doesn't help folks as much as reports of the day-to-day truth of this kind of existence. There is a goldmine of catharsis in identification. I gain more from reading people's stories than I do anything else.



32.5 months for me. Things haven't been easy over the past ~1.5 weeks. Whenever I make predictions about timelines I am always, always wrong, yet I continue to do it anyways. I think it's my subconscious pretending that it has any sort of control over my PAWs.

Not much else to share. Chugging along. Trying to live as fully as I can, given the circumstances.

Feel free, anyone and everyone, to post questions. It feels good to pass down some of the wisdom that I have accumulated. I said this before, but I see why AA helps so many folks: the guys who make it through the initial inertia get to turn around and help others. Helping people makes me feel good, and fuck, the amount of time I've spent in this process shouldn't be in vain when it comes to the betterment of others.
 
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zander13

Well-Known Member
Just about 33 months. Tomorrow is 1,000 days.

Going to start up a master's in mental health counseling within the next 3-5 months. Still not all the way there mentally but I'm at a point where my feet are getting itchy. It's time to start taking the bigger steps. I think the final section of my reboot is forcibly rewiring my brain by truly being out in the world. Finding a lady might be required.

Said this earlier but I think I'm close to graduating from this forum. I'm at a place where, most of the time, I reach out to people in my life as opposed to this forum. I actually desire to socialize.

Still going to have some bumps, but I'm definitely towards the end. Don't think I'll be completely free of the symptoms in a snap, but I'm at a place where I really want to start living fully. Going to force it.

I'll come back when other momentous things happen, but, otherwise, this is a half goodbye.

I appreciate Gabe Deem for starting this forum. Dude has helped out a fuckton of people. Hell, he introduced me to this whole process. Way back when.

Good luck to anyone who reads this.

If I could give one piece of advice it would be this: Learn yourself. Figure out why the addiction began in the first place. Start at the "why?", as opposed to the "how?" or the "when?" Read a lot, learn what's happening. When you do so, you tell yourself that you are taking this addiction seriously whilst turning a phantom boogie man into something scientific and within your grasp.
 
D

Deleted member 28870

Guest
Just about 33 months. Tomorrow is 1,000 days.

Going to start up a master's in mental health counseling within the next 3-5 months. Still not all the way there mentally but I'm at a point where my feet are getting itchy. It's time to start taking the bigger steps. I think the final section of my reboot is forcibly rewiring my brain by truly being out in the world. Finding a lady might be required.

Said this earlier but I think I'm close to graduating from this forum. I'm at a place where, most of the time, I reach out to people in my life as opposed to this forum. I actually desire to socialize.

Still going to have some bumps, but I'm definitely towards the end. Don't think I'll be completely free of the symptoms in a snap, but I'm at a place where I really want to start living fully. Going to force it.

I'll come back when other momentous things happen, but, otherwise, this is a half goodbye.

I appreciate Gabe Deem for starting this forum. Dude has helped out a fuckton of people. Hell, he introduced me to this whole process. Way back when.

Good luck to anyone who reads this.

If I could give one piece of advice it would be this: Learn yourself. Figure out why the addiction began in the first place. Start at the "why?", as opposed to the "how?" or the "when?" Read a lot, learn what's happening. When you do so, you tell yourself that you are taking this addiction seriously whilst turning a phantom boogie man into something scientific and within your grasp.
God bless you, bro and good luck to your future.
 

zander13

Well-Known Member
34 months of abstinence


Wish I could report a complete success story, but I'm currently in the midst of a lull. I'm guessing that it'll last for another couple weeks or so.

When I'm in a good place interacting with the world is easy. I'm strong, masculine, perceptive, intelligent, positive, optimistic, funny, and artistic. I'm honestly shocked by how quickly my mind works. I'm glad to brag about it. I love it. I love who I am.

When I'm in the current state I'm in I'm negative, dark, depressed, anxious, feminine, sterile, hateful of the world, and sometimes lonely (though nowhere NEAR as much as I used to be.) I've come to the conclusion that I only have a couple of ears in my life that will truly listen without judgement or a plan to fix me. No worries. Is what it is.

Before this down period I was able to read fiction! I'm close. I wrote a small story as well. And I liked the voice I had whilst telling it. I'm really honing in on my fictional "style". All of the work I've done over the years hasn't been lost. My brain still has it locked away. This addictive personality of mine has a good side. It stores information rather well. It's just ridiculously impressionable, so porn lodged itself in the wiring deeply. Explains the extended timeline.

As long as I stay on this path I'll get there. It's simple math: improvements happen as time passes, so the train can't help but get to the station if it keeps moving forward. If anything, the world is round, so it'll make a full circle. To a start. Childhood version of me. Factory settings, but with the experience of having gone all the way around the blue orb that is our planet.

The most important thing I can do is a twofold plan: don't relapse, and reconnect with the world around me. They are, the both of them, intertwined, yet equally important. I need to remain vigilant because as I progress I've noticed that everything sexual has become more alluring. My brain now reacts to stimuli. Had a few days where I wasn't completely locked in (watched some kissing and stuff on Seinfeld.) Need to restate my goals in writing.

My sleep has gotten vastly better. What a win that is. God damn.

Good luck. Hope I'll have a success story posted soon enough.
 

Blondie

Respected Member
You're killing it man. Always an inspiration!

As long as I stay on this path I'll get there. It's simple math: improvements happen as time passes, so the train can't help but get to the station if it keeps moving forward. If anything, the world is round, so it'll make a full circle. To a start. Childhood version of me. Factory settings, but with the experience of having gone all the way around the blue orb that is our planet.
This.

I'm getting there myself, although it's a little slower than I would wish!

Just one day at a time.

Best
 

kokenone

New Member
Hi man.
Congratulations on your progress.
I have been following your story since a year ago, you are an inspiration.

I'm in paws for around a year now and I'm just now starting to be able to do some work.
It's much better than it use to be but it's still very difficult.

The duration of this thing for me is going to be measured in years for sure.
Can you tell me how much progress did you make since the beginning, to put it another way, how much better do you feel now?
Tnx
 

zander13

Well-Known Member
Hi man.
Congratulations on your progress.
I have been following your story since a year ago, you are an inspiration.

I'm in paws for around a year now and I'm just now starting to be able to do some work.
It's much better than it use to be but it's still very difficult.

The duration of this thing for me is going to be measured in years for sure.
Can you tell me how much progress did you make since the beginning, to put it another way, how much better do you feel now?
Tnx

Damn man nice job on hitting the one year mark. Not an easy thing to do, at all.

I'm trying to think of a good way of putting it. When I first started this current streak, I was completely and utterly broken. I wanted to leave the earth. My mind started mulling over thoughts of how/when/where I'd end my own life. I'll never forget the feeling.

If we are operating on a scale from 1-100, then I started at a 1. I'm now at a 75-80. And it's going up faster than ever before.

I feel ridiculously, unequivocally, and breathtakingly better. I still have a ways to go, but I've gotten to a place where I like being around people, I crave the company of women, and I have a sincere desire to explore life. I really, really appreciate every minute I have on this earth now.

Great job on the one-year mark. I know what you're goin' through right now and I know that it takes a large amount of fortitude to endure it.
 

WinkTinkTillium

Active Member
I'm still traveling back in time. I now kind of understand what has been going on with me. As I progress further and further I travel back in time. For example, there was a one month period where I randomly got the craving to listen to a certain genre of music. A genre that I hadn't listened to in ~5 years. It came out of the blue, and it happened quite organically. My mind was sorting through the files of that time period. Same songs, even.
I found your journal today and started reading through the last few pages. Firstly congrats on all of your progress and everything you share! The above quoted section really stood out to me because its been one of the most surprising aspects of the forward progression that i have also noticed lately. Im finding it with music and memory/recall of the past. Its almost like little buried pockets of the mind just spring back into action almost, pretty wild.
 

zander13

Well-Known Member
I found your journal today and started reading through the last few pages. Firstly congrats on all of your progress and everything you share! The above quoted section really stood out to me because its been one of the most surprising aspects of the forward progression that i have also noticed lately. Im finding it with music and memory/recall of the past. Its almost like little buried pockets of the mind just spring back into action almost, pretty wild.

Isn't it? Feels sort of mystical sometimes. Sounds like you're really fuckin' doing it. When stuff like that started happening to me I began to see that something really quite profound was taking place.

Also feels nice to know that it has been happening to someone else.

Good luck man.
 

arcana

Member
I have also been rebooting for a long time, hard mode.
And for the last few months I've been getting dreams, vivid, memorable dreams that haven't been there for many years before.
Flat lines are still hard, but not as long as before.
Sometimes fractals of light in the midst of darkness, after hard flat lines and back into the plane... I'm 26 but I've been addicted since I was 13 and never felt like it was normal before. I do not know myself as an independent.
 

zander13

Well-Known Member
I have also been rebooting for a long time, hard mode.
And for the last few months I've been getting dreams, vivid, memorable dreams that haven't been there for many years before.
Flat lines are still hard, but not as long as before.
Sometimes fractals of light in the midst of darkness, after hard flat lines and back into the plane... I'm 26 but I've been addicted since I was 13 and never felt like it was normal before. I do not know myself as an independent.
If the flatlines are getting shorter than that's great news, at least that's how I would view it. From my eyes, that would mean you've made it through the worst of it.

I once read that having positive dreams is a sign that you're truly on the verge of making it to the other side. No promises, but I do remember someone saying that. I too hang onto this notion, because my dreams are also normalizing to a certain degree (though not all the way, they are still foggy and lean towards the negative).

I'm still trying to figure out the relationship porn addiction has with memory. Whenever I think I have the phenomenon figured out something weird happens. Seems to me that there's no true chronological order. Maybe we are traveling deeper and deeper into our own subconscious, and unraveling all of the things we skipped by PMO'ing our emotions into the void. As we progress, we reveal the stuff that's buried the deepest. I just watched a horror movie called "The Descent", and it became clear to me very early on that the characters were not only traveling further down into the earth, but they were also traveling deeper into their minds. By the time they reach the absolute bottom of the cave all pretenses are stripped away from the main character, and she confronts the truth about her trauma and her relationship to it. The director used spelunking as a metaphor. Think that may apply to us.

Congrats on how far you've come. I cannot wait to read your success story.

I also began very early. 12 or 13. I'm only just now learning what it truly means to desire the things that men usually desire, like a place to live that is all theirs, a companion, and deep connections with others. I had to learn how to live, because PMO kept me in a constant state on insecurity and childishness. Maybe you are getting to this place as well. I'm sure you're noticing your mind changing and maturing. It's a fascinating process, but I'm sure we both wish that it didn't require so much pain for it to happen. Withdrawals are a pain that only rebooters can understand. It's brutal, unforgiving, and unknowable. I always have said that the mystery of it is the worst part. If I knew the exact time it was going to end then I'd have a much easier time with the whole thing.

Hope this helps.
 

zander13

Well-Known Member
So fellas.. I'm 1 day away from 3 years of abstinence. Not a single relapse.

Things have improved immensely over the past 3 years. I've fought the good fight and endured pains that I wouldn't wish on a worst enemy. Truly. I was, and still am, often baffled by how rough this shit has gotten.

One thing I used to talk about but haven't mentioned in a long time is my mental illness. I suffer from a condition known as Bipolar 2, which is a different form of bipolar than the one that most of society knows about. With Bipolar 2, depression is often the worst symptom. In fact, it gets bad enough to where people take their own lives. When not medicated, I've had bouts of hypomania, which is a much lesser version of mania. I didn't spend thousands of dollars or stay up for a week straight, but I did experience some highly elevated moods and speed of thinking. My mind moved like a hummingbird. I talked loud, and a mile a minute.

I've been taking a medicine known as Lamictal for the past 2 years to combat the bipolar. Funnily enough, the med was originally created for people with epilepsy. Something about the electricity in the brain. Think of an exposed wire--sparks, chaotic charges. Anyways, they figured out that Lamictal just so happens to be a good mood stabilizer for folks with bipolar. Something about calming the shitty synapses. The brain is still a massive mystery.

So why am I bringing this up? Well, I recently came upon a forum post made by a guy who was also 3 years sober and still suffering from anhedonia and social anxiety. I'll copy and paste some of his thoughts below:

I was able to quite porn cold turkey, and haven't looked at it (intentionally) once over the past 3 years. The urges to PMO to be honest have been few and far between. For me, BY FAR the biggest issue that I've dealt with over the past 3 years has been the post acute withdrawals/ flatline that arrived about a month after stopping PMO for good.

My withdrawals manifested themselves in the form of depression, crazy anhedonia (I literally couldn't feel joy or give a flying fuck about anything), extreme mental and physical fatigue, crippling brain fog, and perhaps most damaging to me personally, the fact that I completely lost both my ability and desire to socialize. I also dealt with some pretty gnarly migraines (which I'm still dealing with) and headaches in general in addition to being sick quite often over the past few years.

I've been to multiple, multiple doctors and specialists trying to figure out what was going on with me. Nobody that I talked to from doctors, to psychiatrists, to neurologists really bought into PAWS from porn.


He later states the following:

I was a shell of myself even 2.5 years after I quit PMO. I was beginning to lose hope and then about 4 months ago, I decided to try the one thing that scared me the most and the thing that I had been stubbornly resisting trying with everything I had...antidepressants.

...So, like I was saying believe it or not the thing that really turned it around for me was the SSRI Prozac. I'm on 20 mg (the lowest dosage) and it has done more to make me feel like myself than anything else has in a long, long time. SSRIs deal mainly with serotonin so how or why it helped me so much, I'm really not sure. I stopped trying to understand the science of this thing a while ago, because it was driving me crazy and wasn't really helping. The only thing that I would say is that depression and paws have a lot of overlapping systems, and dealing with underlying depression can definitely help symptoms that you assume were attributed to withdrawal.


To me, that's a beacon. Yes, lamictal has kept me stable. My mood is fairly constant. Not much suicidal ideation, no overreactions or extreme anger. But I think what this guy is saying is important to my story. Though I've tried antidepressants in the past, I've never given them their proper due. You see, a symptom of bipolar is the fact that antidepressants can turn on you. The last time I was on one by itself, I was plunged into complete darkness. But this time can be different. Once on a mood stabilizer, many folks with bipolar are able to take antidepressants. The stabilizer makes sure that things are, well, stable. And because of this, it's time to try them again. And I'm not going to give up after 2 weeks. I'm going to give them their proper due.

So, my next grand move is to call my doctor on Monday and take the plunge once again.

I read another article online that further encourages me when it comes to SSRIs:

Scientists have long known that SSRIs rapidly increase the available amount of the neurotransmitter serotonin, leading to changes that go well beyond brain chemistry: Research suggests the drugs help reverse the neurological damage associated with depression by boosting the brain’s innate ability to repair and remodel itself, a characteristic known as plasticity. Yet the molecular details of how SSRIs work their magic remains a mystery.

Interesting, right?

Now I'm not advocating this to others. I'm an extreme case. I have bipolar. But the idea that SSRIs can help rewire my brain sounds really, really nice. Like a warm blanket.


To finish, I don't think all of the time spent without an SSRI has been a waste. I've improved immensely. I've processed years and years of ignored pain. I've learned who I am, what I'm capable of, and how resilient I can be. But it's time to try something completely new.

Wish me luck. I'm so close to the finish line, and perhaps this med shit will push me to the end.

There's a chance that it won't do much, and that's also okay, because no matter what I know this will end. As long as the train keeps moving forward I'll get there. I firmly believe that.
 

arcana

Member
How do you separate bipolar disorder from the symptoms of chronic porn use?
You've been addicted since you were young. Isn't it?
How do you differentiate it?
 

Blondie

Respected Member
Congrats on 3 years @zander13, I'm so happy for you.

That will be interesting to see if that new medication will work out for you, I hope it does. No matter what though, thanks for being an inspiration to me!

Best
 
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zander13

Well-Known Member
How do you separate bipolar disorder from the symptoms of chronic porn use?
You've been addicted since you were young. Isn't it?
How do you differentiate it?
You're correct, my addiction began when I was 12-13. My bipolar stuff didn't really kick in until ~junior/senior year in college. So the span between the start of the addiction and the bipolar stuff was pretty long, allowing me to have a rough idea of what was the porn stuff and what was the bipolar stuff.

I will say that the two ended up compounding one another. Once the bipolar stuff hit, each relapse sunk me further down than before, to that point where I was suicidal. Who knows if I would have gotten there without the relapses, but at this point it doesn't really matter. The rock bottom was probably the only thing that spurred me to combat both will all that I have. You either give up, or you start fighting as you've never fought before. That kind of darkness scared the living hell out of you. It's pure trauma.

So I've bitched about my parents on here a lot, and I still stand by my qualms. But I do need to attribute some of my issues to the depressive stuff. I was, without question, self-medicating. Perhaps I had shades of the bipolar stuff even when I was younger because I took to porn like a fish to water. The combo of insecure, childish parents along with the possible minor beginnings of the bipolar had me addicted to pornography almost immediately. I'm sure a lot of you guys can relate. My friends were able to watch it occasionally, without it taking over their lives. Not me. It got bad, and it got bad fast.

Anyways, I guess this shit might be confusing to people. Hell, it's even confusing to me. The brain is just a fucking mystery. All I know is abstinence has helped me IMMENSELY, and that has also helped me decipher what porn did apart from any mental illness. Masculinity is a big one, which is kind of an umbrella for so many things. A man's inner drive to reproduce is his essence. The more that part of us fades, the worst things are going to get. Think about it: the primal instinct to mate brings on so many things--desire to provide (make money), desire to nest (build your own "home", desire to socialize, basic desire to have sex (we ALL know that struggle). It encapsulates so many things, and I lost all of it. That alone is a large piece of the puzzle that porn corroded into nothingness. Depression may cause similar symptoms now that I think about it, but I could just tell that porn was doing it. The fact that it got worse after relapses really helped me come to this conclusion. There's depression libido, and then there's porn libido. Oftentimes, people who are depressed use sex as their drug. I couldn't do that. Depressive people also cry often, while I was completely devoid of emotion. I wished I could fuckin' cry dude. My favorite author was a depressive who ended up taking his own life, and despite his HORRID depression, he was still able to create a fairly large body of work, alongside marrying someone, owning a house, teaching literature, and many other things that a porn addict such as myself would not be able to do.

Another thing I've learned is stuff that has already been taught to us: frontal lobe strength. I've never been more responsible. I've never been so organized and self-regulated. I keep promises to myself. I am able to do intermittent fasting. I work out when I say I will, and I do it right. It's something that I had to develop on my own in order to understand what Gary Wilson wrote/talked about. Self-control is something I never really had a grip on, at least not for a long, long time. You know how it went: the porn started, the grades started to slip, sports weren't as important, had to force it with the ladies, desired unnatural sexual stuff that mirrored the porn you were watching. That stuff is fading for me, and can solely be attributed to porn. Flaccid dick during sex is also an obvious, and terribly embarrassing one.

To summarize it quickly, the porn issues were exactly what others have reported. The science on YBOP is spot on. I just developed an extreme version whose timeline was and is outrageous. I've only seen a couple of others like me. The flatlines are longer and more brutal. That's all it really is when you break it down simply.

Sadly, I will say that I do expect longer stories to start occurring. Maybe not 3-4 years, but they will be longer than 90 days. Look at @Blondie. And look at others that aren't on this site. A quick google search will reveal that there have already been quite a few cases that took 1-2.5 years. Porn has gotten too stimulating (think of all the step-family shit. That's like the fentanyl version of porn). Also, people are relapsing and binging a lot. Binges are the worst thing you can do. It's hours and hours of chemical drains. Nothing ruined me more than a 3 hour marathon. By the end, each one did nuclear amounts of damage to me.

Hope that helps. Sometimes I think that not many people are reading this shit, but I also see the numbers and realize that a lot of folks do stop by and do so anonymously. I'll keep doing my absolute best to update shit as I move along. I do, if anything, have a wealth of wisdom. I advise people to tap into it. It makes me feel better too.

I wish I could tell you that I'm 100% better, but it is what it is. No point in lying.
 

zander13

Well-Known Member
Congrats on 3 years @zander13, I'm so happy for you.

That will be interesting to see if that new medication will work out you, I hope it does. No matter what though, thanks for being an inspiration to me!

Best
Thank you kind sir. You've been a very kind, positive influence on a lot of folks on here. Great job yourself. Can't wait until we both write a success story.
 

arcana

Member
You're correct, my addiction began when I was 12-13. My bipolar stuff didn't really kick in until ~junior/senior year in college. So the span between the start of the addiction and the bipolar stuff was pretty long, allowing me to have a rough idea of what was the porn stuff and what was the bipolar stuff.

I will say that the two ended up compounding one another. Once the bipolar stuff hit, each relapse sunk me further down than before, to that point where I was suicidal. Who knows if I would have gotten there without the relapses, but at this point it doesn't really matter. The rock bottom was probably the only thing that spurred me to combat both will all that I have. You either give up, or you start fighting as you've never fought before. That kind of darkness scared the living hell out of you. It's pure trauma.

So I've bitched about my parents on here a lot, and I still stand by my qualms. But I do need to attribute some of my issues to the depressive stuff. I was, without question, self-medicating. Perhaps I had shades of the bipolar stuff even when I was younger because I took to porn like a fish to water. The combo of insecure, childish parents along with the possible minor beginnings of the bipolar had me addicted to pornography almost immediately. I'm sure a lot of you guys can relate. My friends were able to watch it occasionally, without it taking over their lives. Not me. It got bad, and it got bad fast.

Anyways, I guess this shit might be confusing to people. Hell, it's even confusing to me. The brain is just a fucking mystery. All I know is abstinence has helped me IMMENSELY, and that has also helped me decipher what porn did apart from any mental illness. Masculinity is a big one, which is kind of an umbrella for so many things. A man's inner drive to reproduce is his essence. The more that part of us fades, the worst things are going to get. Think about it: the primal instinct to mate brings on so many things--desire to provide (make money), desire to nest (build your own "home", desire to socialize, basic desire to have sex (we ALL know that struggle). It encapsulates so many things, and I lost all of it. That alone is a large piece of the puzzle that porn corroded into nothingness. Depression may cause similar symptoms now that I think about it, but I could just tell that porn was doing it. The fact that it got worse after relapses really helped me come to this conclusion. There's depression libido, and then there's porn libido. Oftentimes, people who are depressed use sex as their drug. I couldn't do that. Depressive people also cry often, while I was completely devoid of emotion. I wished I could fuckin' cry dude. My favorite author was a depressive who ended up taking his own life, and despite his HORRID depression, he was still able to create a fairly large body of work, alongside marrying someone, owning a house, teaching literature, and many other things that a porn addict such as myself would not be able to do.

Another thing I've learned is stuff that has already been taught to us: frontal lobe strength. I've never been more responsible. I've never been so organized and self-regulated. I keep promises to myself. I am able to do intermittent fasting. I work out when I say I will, and I do it right. It's something that I had to develop on my own in order to understand what Gary Wilson wrote/talked about. Self-control is something I never really had a grip on, at least not for a long, long time. You know how it went: the porn started, the grades started to slip, sports weren't as important, had to force it with the ladies, desired unnatural sexual stuff that mirrored the porn you were watching. That stuff is fading for me, and can solely be attributed to porn. Flaccid dick during sex is also an obvious, and terribly embarrassing one.

To summarize it quickly, the porn issues were exactly what others have reported. The science on YBOP is spot on. I just developed an extreme version whose timeline was and is outrageous. I've only seen a couple of others like me. The flatlines are longer and more brutal. That's all it really is when you break it down simply.

Sadly, I will say that I do expect longer stories to start occurring. Maybe not 3-4 years, but they will be longer than 90 days. Look at @Blondie. And look at others that aren't on this site. A quick google search will reveal that there have already been quite a few cases that took 1-2.5 years. Porn has gotten too stimulating (think of all the step-family shit. That's like the fentanyl version of porn). Also, people are relapsing and binging a lot. Binges are the worst thing you can do. It's hours and hours of chemical drains. Nothing ruined me more than a 3 hour marathon. By the end, each one did nuclear amounts of damage to me.

Hope that helps. Sometimes I think that not many people are reading this shit, but I also see the numbers and realize that a lot of folks do stop by and do so anonymously. I'll keep doing my absolute best to update shit as I move along. I do, if anything, have a wealth of wisdom. I advise people to tap into it. It makes me feel better too.

I wish I could tell you that I'm 100% better, but it is what it is. No point in lying.
And what symptoms do you have besides the general symptoms of a flat line: depression, social anxiety, loss of energy, flat line jumps.
I also got addicted to porn from the age of 12-13 and I watched just like regular guys like Gabe deem. But I really started experiencing symptoms at the age of 16-17; when binge drinking and a long term began.
 
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