Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel

[arcana]

Now I have been rebooting for 2 years and recently started a hard mode and I see a striking improvement in communication, in minimal depression, in flat line jumps.
Previously, I couldn't even eat normally, after eating I experienced small headaches. Now sleep and appetite are much better, the emissions now do not cause me much damage.

 

[arcana]

Recently, I had 4 emissions in 6 days and I experienced only a slight indisposition, although earlier from 2 emissions I remained an antisocial worm for a long time. Even on a 2-year reboot. Until I turned on the hard mode for 6 months.

 

[arcana]

For more than 3 years I lay and cried every night because I still masturbated from time to time even though I hadn't watched porn already. In my difficult case, only 3 rules helped: 1. No porn 2. No masturbation 3. No fantasies

 

[zander13]

Recently, I had 4 emissions in 6 days and I experienced only a slight indisposition, although earlier from 2 emissions I remained an antisocial worm for a long time. Even on a 2-year reboot. Until I turned on the hard mode for 6 months.

Sounds like you're coming out of it man. You may even be further along than I am. All I can really say at this point is good luck. If you'd like to discuss things further you should message me.

 

[zander13]

Couldn't get an appointment with my doctor until next Tuesday.

I think I'm really starting to get to a place where my mind can be molded. I dono. Could be wrong though. I'd love to feel some agency and actively take part in some sort of rewiring process, but there is also this whisper in my sub and regular conscious that tells me that no matter what, the past must be processed. Damage needs to be healed on its own.

No matter what, I'm going to give my new med its full due. At least a month. If anything, it may help alleviate the sharper edges of the pain.

The highest hope is that it'll speed up the process by forming new pathways instead of healing the old. I'm very much tired of the current routine, though I also believe that no matter what, I'll get through this. Improvements are constantly taking place. There is only forward momentum, even though the valleys are still there.

There is another mode of thought that I entertain that thinks the valleys are tolls for forward momentum. Enduring a valley allows me to travel further down the wooded path. This line of thinking believes that pain is a prerequisite for healing. But the idea of adding an SSRI indulges in the hope that the pain can now be avoided by introducing a new agent. That my brain is now fertile ground for the new, and that the old can slip away much faster.

I so badly want to build the new man. I'm fuggin sick of the past, though I'm also open to the processing of said past will always be essential in order to acquire complete freedom from the withdrawals.

One thing I want to note is that my libido has never been higher. It's still corrupted by porn-y tastes I developed through binging, but libido is libido. Feeling desire is wonderful.

 

[zander13]

I'm starting to get really excited about my psych appointment. I've been reading a lot about the med I intend to start (Prozac), and the more I read the more I look forward to starting it.

I need to temper my optimism because there is a shot that this particular med won't work. But, if that's the case (I'll give it ~1.5 months), then I'll just start another one.

At this point, I am VERY MUCH CONVINCED that this is the last piece of the puzzle. Some of the symptoms that people are using to describe thier anxiety and depression are very much similar to my own. And they aren't withdrawals-based symptoms, but stuff that depressed people apparently feel. There are definitely 2 sides to the coin for me. The withdrawals, and the depression. I've mostly defeated the withdrawals, so now it's time to kick the fucking shit out of the depression. I just want to be me. I want to feel like a human being. I'm not going to give up, either. It's fucking time man.

 

[zander13]

Day 7 of SSRI treatment.

One thing I have noticed after the first ~3-4 days is that there is far less background noise in my head. My anxiety seems to be the first thing that is getting taken care of, which is nice, and on par with what I've read about the drug.

Takes most folks 2-6 weeks for the depression to start lifting. Excited to witness what happens as I start hitting those benchmarks.

I still experience my symptoms, but the edges have been dulled.

I've been in the midst of the longest flatline of my reboot. ~215 days in total. I know I'm at the end because I'm experiencing some clarity, energy, and desire to be around others.

Sadly, I think I have a week or so left to endure. The end is usually the roughest.

I wish I had better news, because I'm exhausted by all of this. It's been too long man. Doesn't seem fair, but I've learned that life is like that.

Nothing to do but keep pushing forward and hope for better days.

Edit: I really do believe that I'm close to the end. I think this SSRI thing will really kick things into high gear. I really, really do.

 

[Scorpio1990]

Day 7 of SSRI treatment.

One thing I have noticed after the first ~3-4 days is that there is far less background noise in my head. My anxiety seems to be the first thing that is getting taken care of, which is nice, and on par with what I've read about the drug.

Takes most folks 2-6 weeks for the depression to start lifting. Excited to witness what happens as I start hitting those benchmarks.

I still experience my symptoms, but the edges have been dulled.

I've been in the midst of the longest flatline of my reboot. ~215 days in total. I know I'm at the end because I'm experiencing some clarity, energy, and desire to be around others.

Sadly, I think I have a week or so left to endure. The end is usually the roughest.

I wish I had better news, because I'm exhausted by all of this. It's been too long man. Doesn't seem fair, but I've learned that life is like that.

Nothing to do but keep pushing forward and hope for better days.

Edit: I really do believe that I'm close to the end. I think this SSRI thing will really kick things into high gear. I really, really do.

Hey Zander, I hope you did research of SSRIs. My doctor tried to get me on anti depressants but I don’t want too because of the problems they might cause. I also heard of PSSD which is pretty much flatline when your on them or get off of them. I wish you much success bro.

 

[zander13]

Hey Zander, I hope you did research of SSRIs. My doctor tried to get me on anti depressants but I don’t want too because of the problems they might cause. I also heard of PSSD which is pretty much flatline when your on them or get off of them. I wish you much success bro.

Yeah man I read up on them quite a bit. Read a few stories of long-term guys who took them and finally started to turn the corner. I think the serotonin syndrome thing is a very rare occurrence. The internet forums and such tend to attract folks who had extreme reactions to the meds, whereas a lot of folks start taking them and just start feeling better. Maybe I'll be one of those people. It's a risk (albeit a small risk) that I'm very much willing to take. I have a kind psychiatrist who is taking part in the leap of faith alongside me, so I have that guidance going for me as well. In the end, I have a mental illness, so I kinda gotta deal with that underlying nonsense on top of the addiction itself.

Regardless, I really appreciate the concern. Trust me man, I was hesitant to take them too. Don't get that twisted. I'm monitoring my moods and such extra closely, and I'll report my findings as time goes on. It's an experiment, if nothing else.

Edit: If I could sum it up in one sentence it'd be this: It's been 3 years of abstinence and still no finish line, so it's time to try new things and explore other avenues.

 

[Scorpio1990]

Dude do what you gotta do bro, I guess at this point you have to take a risk. I’m glad you did your research just like I have done mine. I’m not prone to depression so I won’t take that risk in taking meds just yet. I wish you luck as always in your recovery man. Hopefully your recovery before the new year.

 

[zander13]

@Scorpio1990 Thanks man. I look forward to reading about your eventual full recovery. If you're willing, would love to have updates about it. God speed sir.

 

[Scorpio1990]

@Scorpio1990 Thanks man. I look forward to reading about your eventual full recovery. If you're willing, would love to have updates about it. God speed sir.

Thanks Zander. I’ll keep pushing and let time take it’s course.

 

[zander13]

Honestly, I can confidently say that this flatline has been the longest, most painful one of the entire reboot. 108 days and counting. Suicidal today. Starting to think that my brain is permanently damaged. No joke. I feel this pressure to report good news and that's stupid. I've never been more lonely in my life. I honestly cannot believe this shit. I have no words. It ain't fair. This shit isn't fucking fair. I have no good news. My life is ruined. I have nothing. This shit has taken, quite fucking literally, everything from me. Everything. I cannot make plans because I'm just fucked. My life is horrid. What a waste. What a complete fucking waste. Suicidal as fuck right now. Not going to do it, but man oh man, if I were a different person I would.

 

[Scorpio1990]

Honestly, I can confidently say that this flatline has been the longest, most painful one of the entire reboot. 108 days and counting. Suicidal today. Starting to think that my brain is permanently damaged. No joke. I feel this pressure to report good news and that's stupid. I've never been more lonely in my life. I honestly cannot believe this shit. I have no words. It ain't fair. This shit isn't fucking fair. I have no good news. My life is ruined. I have nothing. This shit has taken, quite fucking literally, everything from me. Everything. I cannot make plans because I'm just fucked. My life is horrid. What a waste. What a complete fucking waste. Suicidal as fuck right now. Not going to do it, but man oh man, if I were a different person I would.

Hang in there Bro, your not alone man. I been struggling too. I can’t relate to you because how much time you in but I definitely feel lonely even with my gf supporting me. I feel like I won’t get back to feeling normal again which I think about it every moment. I’ll keep pushing though. Definitely keep going too man. You got this.

 

[zander13]

Hang in there Bro, your not alone man. I been struggling too. I can’t relate to you because how much time you in but I definitely feel lonely even with my gf supporting me. I feel like I won’t get back to feeling normal again which I think about it every moment. I’ll keep pushing though. Definitely keep going too man. You got this.

Thanks for the support. Hope things turn around for you.


So I just had a productive chat with my mother. She can be good in moments of crisis.

I'm headed to the hospital tomorrow. My mental health is too fucked up right now, and it's not good to be alone. It'll act as a restart of sorts, and will help me with my meds situation.

I've restructured my goals. I'm putting everything lofty aside. My mother explained to me that there are stages of grief. We all know that, but it's one thing to read or hear about something and another to experience it for yourself. The pain has forced me into the acceptance portion of the ladder. My bipolar and addiction have rendered me disabled. I simply cannot hold a job or go to school for more than a week or two at a time. I've tried a zillion things, and I've always failed. And it's not laziness. I just can't do it. Depressions are too deep.

I'm also applying for medicare. It just is what it is. I'm tired of the stress and the undue pressure I put on myself. It's time to face facts and attempt a life of relative peace. I don't think I'll ever be "normal". My brain is just flat-out damaged. By this addiction and by the bipolar. 37 months is past the threshold of normality. I need to take the correct course of action now. I'm 31 years of age and my brain is no longer that of a teenager.

No judgments please. If it ain't supportive don't post it.

That is all.

 

[zander13]

So I decided against the hospital today. I'm feeling good enough to where I'd feel as if I was wasting time.

Yesterday was a catastrophe. Top 3 worst days of my life.

Today ain't no picnic, but it's an improvement.

I'm going to keep screaming into the void. Who knows who reads this shit and who doesn't.

I'm very scared at this point. Living this way is not easy. I get no rest. It's constant. I've always had hope, over the past 3 years, that it would go away. I still have hope that it will lessen, but I'm also starting to consider the alternative. Perhaps this is it. This is my homeostasis.

I have a large to-do list set up for tomorrow. I need to call a lawyer, call a therapist, call an IOP program, and pray that I'll have the stamina and courage to follow through on all of it.

Dang man. This shit blows.

 

[Scorpio1990]

Zander, you been in and out of flatline though right? Shouldn’t that give you some encouragement. It definitely sucks man. Keep going dude.

 

[zander13]

Zander, you been in and out of flatline though right? Shouldn’t that give you some encouragement. It definitely sucks man. Keep going dude.

I will say this: I've had some times when I could watch movies/socialize/be somewhat in the moment. But, to be honest, not once have I had a symptom-free day. Even on the "good" days, they are still in the background, though not as loud as they usually are. More like white noise.

Now if we are talking about the beginning of my journal, back during my first serious reboot attempt, I had a day where I was completely out of the withdrawals. It was quite amazing. I still use that as just about my only lifeline, though I dono anymore man. As I said, I need to start considering the fact that I did some permanent damage. The anhedonia is nigh unbearable. I simply do not feel like a person.

We'll see what happens, but I do have to say that I've never had less hope. The reserves are empty, for the most part.

 

[zander13]

Scorpie was right. It's the SSRI. This happened last time I took them way back when. It's called a mixed state, and it's common for antidepressants to cause these to folks with bipolar. Here is a description:

"It feels like thoughts racing, but negative. Maybe a single negative thought or bad memory that feels like a brick in my head because is won't go away. Irritable. Tearful. Tired, but can't rest. It was bad, worse than any depression I had experienced."

These states are often the catalyst for suicide because the depression mixed with the energy cause people to act on said depression.

I took my meds not long ago and I immediately switch to the above description. I now have to ride it out for the rest of the night. They're horrible, but at least they explain why I was so suicidal yesterday.

 

[Scorpio1990]

Scorpie was right. It's the SSRI. This happened last time I took them way back when. It's called a mixed state, and it's common for antidepressants to cause these to folks with bipolar. Here is a description:

"It feels like thoughts racing, but negative. Maybe a single negative thought or bad memory that feels like a brick in my head because is won't go away. Irritable. Tearful. Tired, but can't rest. It was bad, worse than any depression I had experienced."

These states are often the catalyst for suicide because the depression mixed with the energy cause people to act on said depression.

I took my meds not long ago and I immediately switch to the above description. I now have to ride it out for the rest of the night. They're horrible, but at least they explain why I was so suicidal yesterday.

Hey Zander, how you feeling man? Hopefully your feeling better today.