Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel

zander13

Respected Member
Yesterday was a great day, but then I had another lucid dream this morning that was fucked up and sexual. They'll always scare the shit out of me man, and I think it's because the dream is lucid so it seems like I'm playing a fantasy reel in the back of my head. Who tf knows what' going on but I hope this shit goes away soon.
 

Simon2

Active Member
Can you control your actions in your lucid dream? Maybe with conscious work during the daytime you can be ready to steer yourself in a different direction next time you have a lucid dream? Toward another activity you love? Flying away? (I always love flying in lucid dreams)
 

zander13

Respected Member
Can you control your actions in your lucid dream? Maybe with conscious work during the daytime you can be ready to steer yourself in a different direction next time you have a lucid dream? Toward another activity you love? Flying away? (I always love flying in lucid dreams)
@SimonM Yeah man funny you say that because I decided that I'm going to get back into meditation again. Good suggestion. The more frontal lobe strength the better.
 

zander13

Respected Member
Got hit by a rough case of food poisoning. That shit's intense. 3 days of intense fever, nausea, and puking. Was in a Twilight Zone, and slept a shit ton.

Got no idea where I'm at recovery-wise. Still able to sporadically watch movies, and a fair amount of fictional T.V. Unignorable good signs. That means I'm able to experience empathy and a spectrum of emotions (though not a full one).

Still stickin' by the notion that as long as things progress I'll hit a finish line. This thought grounds me incredibly.

Had a wet dream this morning but it didn't occur in a lucid state and it wasn't dirty or pornographic. It was blurry, but it was sexual in a normal way. I was the main character--nothing voyeuristic or fetish-laced. Another positive sign.

I've said it before and I'll say it again: in like a knife, out like an arrow. That's how porn operates. Sadly, I'm still in the process of pulling the arrow out, but I can't see it lasting another 3+ years.

Whata fuckin' journey man. Shit's unreal. Can't wait to recover so I can look back and put it all into context.
 

zander13

Respected Member
Got some meditation in. Helped a bit. Will see where it leads.


Still majorly confused by everything. Can't wait for the clouds to dissipate so I can see everything for what it is/was. Still so many unanswered questions.

Had a span of 7 easygoing days. They were very much welcome. Think today will be a tougher one, so I'm buttoning up the defenses and preparing the house for a storm. Boarding windows and whatnot. Buying rice.

I started reading pages I wrote back in January-April of 2022. I'm so happy I have this thing and that it's so detailed because it's so fucking interesting to be able to look back and see where things were at. Great for measuring progress. I highly recommend that people be honest on this site, and thorough. It'll only add to the experience and help you out down the road.

Last year, I talked about my spirit "breaking" quite a few times in a 3-4 month span. I'm glad I was honest enough to write those words down back then because these days those thoughts haven't really crossed my head. Maybe during a couple of brief windows, but they passed quickly and were nowhere near as dire as the descriptions I put down last year. My spirits have been in fine form for over a month now. As I've said before, I'm finally able to put some space between the symptoms and my soul (if you're Buddhist, then the word would be "Self", with a capital "S").We'll see if this holds up, but it's been the case for a while now.

I have so much to say, actually.

So one major observation I've made involves a process I've spoken about many times before. It begins with the notion that my recovery occurs in cycles. Think of them as flatlines within the flatline. For the past 2 years, they've been lasting anywhere from 70-100 days. The longest one was ~109 days, and it was the one that happened before the one I currently find myself in (which is within 5 days of being over with). The one that's about to end has lasted 50 days on the nose. That's huge fuckin news for me. I once had a therapist tell me that the PAWs heals is by a shortening and flattening of waves, aka the cycles get shorter and less severe. Well, the past 50 days have proved that theorem. This has been, without question, the easiest cycle I've encountered over the past 3+ years, barring the first 90 days, which were a breeze, as all beginnings of these reboots go.

What a finding, eh? MY diligent stat and note taking is paying off: I'm able to glean improvements that I otherwise wouldn't be aware of in the slightest. The length and difficulty of this current cycle has me extremely, extremely excited. If the next one (sadly, I'm counting on at least one more) follows the trend then my optimism levels will explode off the charts. An easy flatline will be fucking nothing to me. Nothing. I've endured such immense, hellish, cataclysmic difficulty over the past 3+ years that minor disturbances don't do shit to me. Just the facts. My armor is thick.

More good news: my self control keeps improving. I'm as frugal as an accountant. No more impulse grubhub, amazon trinkets, etc. etc. I hold my temper, mull over words I use, and try and put people and thoughts in perspective. I also no longer play video games, and keep a steady to-do list and cleanliness schedule. I grocery shop at the cheapest place around, and pay attention to the prices. I've developed some sort of consistency in my life, which is a completely new phenomenon. It's crazy to think back to who I was at the age of 21: a little boy. I was a fuckin blob filled with desires and impulses. No accountability, no pride, no responsibility. Now I have a home, a schedule, a framework. It's pretty nuts.

My memory is better, though still spotty asf. Large swaths of time go by without me really knowing what transpired. Compared to when I started the reboot it has gotten much better, but it's still pretty wild when I think about how oddly time passes in my life.

Sexually, I'm getting much less desperate. My standards are returning. I feel like I can walk away. Say "no". Before, I was a simp. I had no power to walk away, because women were an extension of my addiction. It wasn't about anything other than fulfilling an obsession, so I objectified and deified since they had the only thing I truly desired. A complete sickness, it was. Now, it's still somewhat there, but to a much, much lesser degree. The ability to simply walk away from any given relationship is a requirement if you wish it to be a healthy companionship. This applies to friends and family as well. Fear of abandonment is a killer. Most people will use you without you or them realizing it. You have to stand your ground and be okay with something ending. It's a subtle yet vital component of relationships. And I'm basically at the point where I can brag about my health in this area. And it only came with abstinence. Time healed. No amount of self help books, maxims, journaling, etc. etc. will take the place of abstinence. The brain needs to heal.

I still don't really understand wet dreams, morning wood, boners, or anything like that. I find myself easily getting them now, but I still don't trust them. Morning wood comes and goes, as it has done since the very beginning. Same thing with wet dreams, though my most recent one was the healthiest one I've had so far.

I have more to say but I'm tapping out because I'm getting bored of writing this. My ability to focus for long stretches is still a work in progress.

Shit's getting better, as always. Curious to observe what happens over the coming months. I love new occurrences. Any break from this boring PAWs routine is exciting as all hell.
 
I have bad brain fog and can't read through it all. It just does not work. It hurts when I read your texts. Thinking hurts xD

I have some questions that I will ask very easily and understandably.

1. When was the last time you watched porn ?
2. When was the last time you masturbated ?
3. When was the last time you had sex ?
4. When was the last time you had a conscious, intentional ejaculation?
5. At what month are you now ?

6. Do you drink alcohol?
7. Do you take drugs?
8. Do you take medication?

I am at month 37 and have published a new post in the New Year.

Thanks and greetings ;)
 

zander13

Respected Member
I have bad brain fog and can't read through it all. It just does not work. It hurts when I read your texts. Thinking hurts xD

I have some questions that I will ask very easily and understandably.

1. When was the last time you watched porn ?
2. When was the last time you masturbated ?
3. When was the last time you had sex ?
4. When was the last time you had a conscious, intentional ejaculation?
5. At what month are you now ?

6. Do you drink alcohol?
7. Do you take drugs?
8. Do you take medication?

I am at month 37 and have published a new post in the New Year.

Thanks and greetings ;)
I'm 38.5 months without porn, masturbation, and orgasm due to those two things. The other stuff is irrelevant to me. Good luck sir.
 

zander13

Respected Member

Just showed up on my Youtube feed. I used to study Buddhism quite a bit, but a lot of it was lost in recent years when my brain got completely fried. Slowly returning to it. This video is a great example of why I love it so much, and it directly applies to what I am going through.
 

zander13

Respected Member
After the morning things got hairy. Today has been the rough shit I've been preparing myself for. Knew it was coming.

I need to remind myself how far I've come. 3 years ago I was a husk.

Ready for all of this shit to be over with, but I always feel like this when times are at their roughest. I mean, I'm always wanting PAWs to end, but I really get sort of angry about it not being over when I'm getting assfucked by symptoms.

I deeply, deeply damaged by brain and body. I don't blame myself, but I am not entirely innocent either. It is what it is. As the monk in the video said, I need to welcome the pain and see it as a tool. I'll be able to look back nd know that I made it through some really tough obstacles.

This addiction saga is what has happened, and at this point the trajectory of my life could not have gone any other way. Porn addiction is not a glamorous affliction, but it's a modern one. Grist for the writing mill.

Sadly, when things are most painful is when I feel the most lonely. The addiction is cunning: it knows what buttons to push. "Let's isolate this dude until he breaks. Let's starve him of happiness and bring on every negative emotion in his arsenal. Let's cause him headaches and constipation and fuck with his thoughts. Let's completely warp his worldview." Those words are what withdrawals, essentially, are to me.

My spirit still isn't broken. Let's hope that I don't dip back into the devil's den. I'm worried that I will, so we'll see. Prepare for the worst and hope for the best.
 

Scorpio1990

Active Member
After the morning things got hairy. Today has been the rough shit I've been preparing myself for. Knew it was coming.

I need to remind myself how far I've come. 3 years ago I was a husk.

Ready for all of this shit to be over with, but I always feel like this when times are at their roughest. I mean, I'm always wanting PAWs to end, but I really get sort of angry about it not being over when I'm getting assfucked by symptoms.

I deeply, deeply damaged by brain and body. I don't blame myself, but I am not entirely innocent either. It is what it is. As the monk in the video said, I need to welcome the pain and see it as a tool. I'll be able to look back nd know that I made it through some really tough obstacles.

This addiction saga is what has happened, and at this point the trajectory of my life could not have gone any other way. Porn addiction is not a glamorous affliction, but it's a modern one. Grist for the writing mill.

Sadly, when things are most painful is when I feel the most lonely. The addiction is cunning: it knows what buttons to push. "Let's isolate this dude until he breaks. Let's starve him of happiness and bring on every negative emotion in his arsenal. Let's cause him headaches and constipation and fuck with his thoughts. Let's completely warp his worldview." Those words are what withdrawals, essentially, are to me.

My spirit still isn't broken. Let's hope that I don't dip back into the devil's den. I'm worried that I will, so we'll see. Prepare for the worst and hope for the best.
I feel your pain man, your not alone.
 

zander13

Respected Member
Hit 39 months yesterday. Baffling that I'm not done yet. What I rely on is the minuscule improvements that keep happening. Lows are still rough.

Good news is that my mind and body don't crave porn in the same way they used to. The memories of past scenes are getting fainter, though I still have to block that part of my mind up on a constant basis. I dare not dip my toes into that well.

I'm encroaching on the longest recovery case I've ever read about. Hard to wrap my head around the length of this scourge, but what else is there to do but endure it as gracefully as I can?

Still waiting for the grand change. The major corner turn.
 

Honey98$

Member
I don't get erections at all. No morning wood since one year. Libido is dead, no sexual thoughts. If i get an erection it's 20% hard only and viagra doesn't get it up. I ejaculate in the first 20 seconds when i try sex. 1 year and 2 months in
 
Top