Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel

[zander13]

I know I turned down meds but it’s like what other options do I have, It sucks that these things give side effects. I tried Ketamine and it give me relief but for a hour.

Hey man--how is the Wellbutrin treating you? Any good news?

The way I look at meds is as follows: it's very personal. If you find something that works for you then that'd be great. I would never blame anybody for doing their absolute best to make themselves feel as comfortable as life will allow. These withdrawals are fuckin' brutal, and I applaud anyone who has the nuts to endure them.

Excited to hear about what's been going on with you.

 

[zander13]

I don't get erections at all. No morning wood since one year. Libido is dead, no sexual thoughts. If i get an erection it's 20% hard only and viagra doesn't get it up. I ejaculate in the first 20 seconds when i try sex. 1 year and 2 months in

Yeah man that's just how it is for some of us. I truly believe that as time goes on there will be more and more cases that are similar to yours (1+ years of withdrawals). Porn is everywhere, and the genres have only gotten more fucked up. Dopamine has never been more easily squirted. Modernity is clashing with people's brains.

How are you doing now? The fact that you're this far in is already quite the accomplishment. Only you know how much psychological pain you've already had to endure.

As far as below-the-belt issues are concerned, it kind of is what it is. Your body is sorting itself out. It's just starting to take longer because a lot of us started very young. A child's brain doesn't stand a chance against tube sites.

 

[zander13]

I had the following problem, a year of hard regime has passed and my penis has become so sensitive that emissions occur both day and night. Do you have any such problems? With penis sensitivity?
After the emissions, I feel powerless, apathy.
I have two ways: to continue the hard mode further or to start masturbating once a month to remove the constant emissions?

How often do the emissions occur? Never heard of daytime emissions before. That's pretty wild.

I say no to masturbation. Always. For me, it only served as a tool for my addiction to claw its way back to the forefront.

I've been having a lot of nighttime emissions lately, and though they seem catastrophic immediately after I wake up, they never do any sort of damage. They're, quite honestly, harmless. Why take the risk of replacing a harmless occurrence with one that might actually cause severe consequences?

Good luck dude. If anything, I'd be pretty excited about the sensitivity. Sounds like true healing is right around the corner for you. I wouldn't mess with it--the hard work is already almost done.

 

[zander13]

I'm at 40 months clean.

More and more progress, accompanied by the all-familiar psychological pain. I feel more human than ever before, but I still have days where I feel like I'm a character in the Twilight Zone.

I've said this before and I want to say it again: relapses would split my soul (or whatever you want to call it) in two. Every time. After 1,000 of them (relapses), I was left with an existence that was akin to a shattered glass window. Shards were scattered across the floor, and each one held a part of who I was at the time of the relapse. My essence splintered off into a million little pieces.

Recovery, I'm learning, is the process of gluing the fragments back together until I become a whole person again.

Memories, emotions locked in time, mood states, and psychological conditions from my past are constantly resurfacing--memories and pieces of my past I didn't even know I'd lost. It's nutty to think about.

 

[arcana]

Four ejections in the last week, the first and second were very painful, the following are milder but debilitating. I stick to the hard mode further, and then we'll see what happens…
Before that, there were no emissions for a month.

 

[arcana]

I'm at 40 months clean.

More and more progress, accompanied by the all-familiar psychological pain. I feel more human than ever before, but I still have days where I feel like I'm a character in the Twilight Zone.

I've said this before and I want to say it again: relapses would split my soul (or whatever you want to call it) in two. Every time. After 1,000 of them (relapses), I was left with an existence that was akin to a shattered glass window. Shards were scattered across the floor, and each one held a part of who I was at the time of the relapse. My essence splintered off into a million little pieces.

Recovery, I'm learning, is the process of gluing the fragments back together until I become a whole person again.

Memories, emotions locked in time, mood states, and psychological conditions from my past are constantly resurfacing--memories and pieces of my past I didn't even know I'd lost. It's nutty to think about.

Is your penis shrunken and small for long periods, or do you notice the growth of the penis and its sensitivity?

 

[zander13]

Is your penis shrunken and small for long periods, or do you notice the growth of the penis and its sensitivity?

For the first 2 years it was shrunken and dead for almost the entire time. Nowadays it's only like that ~15-20%. This is one of those symptoms you never hear about, but it really fuckin' sucks to have it.

 

[Escapeandnevercomeback]

I'm at 40 months clean.

More and more progress, accompanied by the all-familiar psychological pain. I feel more human than ever before, but I still have days where I feel like I'm a character in the Twilight Zone.

Hey, man, I want to tell you that's outstanding success. 40 months clean! You're one of the OGs, man! Very inspiring for me. I've read about your struggles with this recovery process and to not relapse anymore in 40 months and keep going despise all the bullshit, that's hardcore shit, man! (no pun)

I've said this before and I want to say it again: relapses would split my soul (or whatever you want to call it) in two. Every time. After 1,000 of them (relapses), I was left with an existence that was akin to a shattered glass window. Shards were scattered across the floor, and each one held a part of who I was at the time of the relapse. My essence splintered off into a million little pieces.

Recovery, I'm learning, is the process of gluing the fragments back together until I become a whole person again.

Yeah, I know very well how this goes, as I'm in the middle of binging my brains out. This fuckin shit takes your soul. I don't even know who I am anymore and what should I want and expect from my life. I hope I can be free one day.

Memories, emotions locked in time, mood states, and psychological conditions from my past are constantly resurfacing--memories and pieces of my past I didn't even know I'd lost. It's nutty to think about.

I can definitely relate to this. I have this feeling that so much porn and PMO and edging have erased a part of my memory and re-arranged some of my memories as well. My problem is that I can remember things happening but I almost never could tell people when they happened, not even the approximate period. I would say something happened when I was in 4th grade only for my dad to come say "No you were in 7th grade, I know for sure." And this keeps going. If you had a conversation with me about past, you would hear me a lot saying: "But I don't remember exactly when that was." And I've heard at least one other porn addict saying the same thing on another forum or maybe nofap reddit. It's ridiculous. Also, I used to have a very impressive memorization ability, I was that "freak" that if the Physics teacher gave us the solution of some very hard problem and said "So you are going to get this on your next test" and everybody freaking out, I could learn it all without understanding how to solve it and write it on test. The teacher knew I did this but there was no rule to forbid me doing that What porn did was take my amazing memory and turn it into a joke. Now I can't retain shit. I have to read something 1000 times to retain a little... I can't concentrate because of brain fog. I don't know if I digressed too much but anyway. After months of fuckin around, I've finally reached out for help. Tomorrow I've planned a conversation with someone from SA and I hope to start going to meetings.

Take care. I'm rooting for you. I hope you heal soon.

 

[Androg]

Well, you have a lot to look forward to as you recover. Restoring your brilliant mind, for one.

 

[zander13]

Hey, man, I want to tell you that's outstanding success. 40 months clean! You're one of the OGs, man! Very inspiring for me. I've read about your struggles with this recovery process and to not relapse anymore in 40 months and keep going despise all the bullshit, that's hardcore shit, man! (no pun)



Yeah, I know very well how this goes, as I'm in the middle of binging my brains out. This fuckin shit takes your soul. I don't even know who I am anymore and what should I want and expect from my life. I hope I can be free one day.



I can definitely relate to this. I have this feeling that so much porn and PMO and edging have erased a part of my memory and re-arranged some of my memories as well. My problem is that I can remember things happening but I almost never could tell people when they happened, not even the approximate period. I would say something happened when I was in 4th grade only for my dad to come say "No you were in 7th grade, I know for sure." And this keeps going. If you had a conversation with me about past, you would hear me a lot saying: "But I don't remember exactly when that was." And I've heard at least one other porn addict saying the same thing on another forum or maybe nofap reddit. It's ridiculous. Also, I used to have a very impressive memorization ability, I was that "freak" that if the Physics teacher gave us the solution of some very hard problem and said "So you are going to get this on your next test" and everybody freaking out, I could learn it all without understanding how to solve it and write it on test. The teacher knew I did this but there was no rule to forbid me doing that What porn did was take my amazing memory and turn it into a joke. Now I can't retain shit. I have to read something 1000 times to retain a little... I can't concentrate because of brain fog. I don't know if I digressed too much but anyway. After months of fuckin around, I've finally reached out for help. Tomorrow I've planned a conversation with someone from SA and I hope to start going to meetings.

Take care. I'm rooting for you. I hope you heal soon.

Wow I really appreciate this post. Means a whole lot to me when someone takes the time to address things that I've said. Makes me feel heard.

I did SA for a while. It really helped me at a time when I could not string together more than 60-90 days. Takes guts to announce this addiction to strangers. Something powerful in that (at least that's how it was for me, don't want to speak for everyone).

As far as retaining info, that has gotten better for me with each passing month. I'd bet it will for you, too.

Good luck and it's nice that we could relate to one another. Makes me feel less alone.

 

[zander13]

Well, you have a lot to look forward to as you recover. Restoring your brilliant mind, for one.

Thanks for paying a visit and saying something nice like that. Made me feel warm. I hope to one day have a similar role to you on this site. I don't know your story, but thanks for turning around and giving back to those still roughing it.

 

[zander13]

So I was watching an illegal stream of the UFC earlier this evening (I know that's bad but that's a sin to be discussed at a later date) and a popup came up that was extremely pornographic. The weirdest fucking thing was I must have clicked on the page when I was moving my laptop from the countertop to my spot on the couch, because I looked away from my computer while I moved it. The moment my glance returned there the image was. Out of the blue. I was enjoying the shit out of the fight, and then I got hit with a howitzer. I've been feeling so fucking good this past week too.

To be honest, the cravings that ensued were so unbelievably strong that I got into my car and drove to the gas station and then the corner store to get food. While pumping gas, I had TO FIGHT WITH EVERY OUNCE OF MY BEING to combat the thoughts that were trying to break through to the other side. As I type this, the battle is not fully over. The thoughts are still there, though not as aggressive. Holy motherfuckin' shit. Is this a test from the universe? Or is shit just not fair?

I'm scared shitless. As I drove around I cursed God with all of my might. I didn't click on the fucking screen man. Like, what the fuck?

Anyways, I'm going to keep fighting until I fall asleep. I've been very good about not playing video games, but I plan on playing them tonight in order to distract myself for as long as I need to. Jesus christ man.

When I wake up tomorrow I'm going to assess my brain. I sincerely hope there is no lasting damage. I've worked so motherfuckin' hard dude.

That's it I think. This addiction is truly, truly sinister. All it needs is a SLIVER of light.

Hopefully I'll have good news tomorrow morning. I don't feel shitty or anything as of now but you never know. Man oh fucking man, the thoughts were so powerful. Urges are beyond unfathomably insane.

 

[Blondie]

Hang in there brother. Good job just running like hell. That's all you could have done.

When I wake up tomorrow I'm going to assess my brain. I sincerely hope there is no lasting damage. I've worked so motherfuckin' hard dude.

It's hard to say what damage a few moments could do, but I don't think a mere second could screw your progress over, and you weren't looking for it either, which is the real issue in my opinion, because that's what gets those neurons racing. I know it's mind blowing to see something so fucking stupid and random like that (I've seen it myself), but like you said, assess the situation tomorrow once you've gained some control.

It will be all right.

You got this.

Best

 

[Androg]

Triggers are part of the challenge. Think of it as a challenge. Try pushups when they strike, and turn your attention elsewhere. As Blondie says, they're just neurons firing, and that circuit will fade the less attention you give them.

 

[zander13]

Hang in there brother. Good job just running like hell. That's all you could have done.

It's hard to say what damage a few moments could do, but I don't think a mere second could screw your progress over, and you weren't looking for it either, which is the real issue in my opinion, because that's what gets those neurons racing. I know it's mind blowing to see something so fucking stupid and random like that (I've seen it myself), but like you said, assess the situation tomorrow once you've gained some control.

It will be all right.

You got this.

Best

Thanks for the support my friend. Really appreciate it.

Like you said, I don't think it did much in terms of damage. I'm going to wait until tomorrow to make a concrete conclusion, but I know what it feels like when you've mangled your brain with a relapse, and that's not how I feel this morning.

No more streaming for me. Good christ that was quite the experience. This addiction runs deep. That brain pathway lit up like the 4th of July.

 

[zander13]

Triggers are part of the challenge. Think of it as a challenge. Try pushups when they strike, and turn your attention elsewhere. As Blondie says, they're just neurons firing, and that circuit will fade the less attention you give them.

Yeah I got in my whip and rode it like a solemn cowboy, headed West.

 

[Blondie]

How you doing @zander13 after that little scare last week?

Best

 

[zander13]

How you doing @zander13 after that little scare last week?

Best

I don't think it set me back at all, really. Still feel like I'm on the same exact timeline I was on before the scare happened. I guess seeing the picture was more of a test than anything.

Funnily enough, today I was googling something about the Oscars involving Michelle Yeoh and one of the first sites to pop up was the web address of a porn site that had one of those porn-y taglines we are all so familiar with. No pictures or vids or anything, just the web address. But still. Cannot fuckin' believe I had to see one of those abominations again. The mere thought of those web addresses denotes pure evil to me. It's poison.

Felt like another scare in the sense that my heart rate jumped up a bit, though it was nowhere near as powerful as the other incident. I took a second shower, made myself a meal, and the thought slowly slipped from my mind as newer, healthier ones piled on top of it.

I stepped up my inner security measures after that UFC debacle, and then this happens. I don't think it'll do anything, but I'm just stressed out by this nonsense. Porn is now taking over the entire fucking internet.

I'm going to have to devise some new plans and take these two events quite seriously. I've come too fucking far for seedy, greed-stricken strangers to fuck shit up for me. If a bunch of scumbags want to post porn online and ruin the minds of thousands of people that's on them, but it's up to me to ensure that their "conent" won't get anywhere close to my brain and body. I need to be better, because my brain is nearing relative health. Improvements have doubled. I'm nearing the end. I really am. And this shit is fucking up what should be a time of celebration.

I'm thinking about going internet-less for a while. Even though I'll have moments of extreme boredom, I think that's the right move for the time being. I cannot trust the internet anymore, and my whole streak is on the line this late into the game. I figure that when I need it I'll go to a coffee shop down the street and only use it for goal-oriented purposes. No mindless googling anymore. It's too dangerous.

One of the most important things in regard to rebooting is being able to adapt your life around abstinence, not the other way around. I'm tired of this unneeded stress. I know it's an overreaction to get pissed about seeing a web address, but I just don't want to have to deal/think about any sort of loss of progress. This reboot is everything to me, and my soul is so frayed at this point that the thought of tacking on unneeded months of recovery is truly disheartening.

Wish I could tell ya'll that things are perfect, but I'm going to take meaningful steps to avoid this kind of thing so I can continue moving forward and prove to people that even the worst cases can be fixed.

Much love,

Zander

 

[zander13]

Yup. After typing that out I've decided to go ahead and go through with the internet thing. Sounds and feels like the right thing to do. I'm going to hand my modem or whatever it's called to my brother.

Wish me luck fellas.

 

[Androg]

Good call. Good luck!