Hey, man, I want to tell you that's outstanding success. 40 months clean! You're one of the OGs, man! Very inspiring for me. I've read about your struggles with this recovery process and to not relapse anymore in 40 months and keep going despise all the bullshit, that's hardcore shit, man! (no pun)
Yeah, I know very well how this goes, as I'm in the middle of binging my brains out. This fuckin shit takes your soul. I don't even know who I am anymore and what should I want and expect from my life. I hope I can be free one day.
I can definitely relate to this. I have this feeling that so much porn and PMO and edging have erased a part of my memory and re-arranged some of my memories as well. My problem is that I can remember things happening but I almost never could tell people when they happened, not even the approximate period. I would say something happened when I was in 4th grade only for my dad to come say "No you were in 7th grade, I know for sure." And this keeps going. If you had a conversation with me about past, you would hear me a lot saying: "But I don't remember exactly when that was." And I've heard at least one other porn addict saying the same thing on another forum or maybe nofap reddit. It's ridiculous. Also, I used to have a very impressive memorization ability, I was that "freak" that if the Physics teacher gave us the solution of some very hard problem and said "So you are going to get this on your next test" and everybody freaking out, I could learn it all without understanding how to solve it and write it on test. The teacher knew I did this but there was no rule to forbid me doing that
What porn did was take my amazing memory and turn it into a joke. Now I can't retain shit. I have to read something 1000 times to retain a little... I can't concentrate because of brain fog. I don't know if I digressed too much but anyway. After months of fuckin around, I've finally reached out for help. Tomorrow I've planned a conversation with someone from SA and I hope to start going to meetings.
Take care. I'm rooting for you. I hope you heal soon.