Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel
- Thread starter zander13
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zander13
Respected Member
Thanks man, appreciate it very much.
zander13
Respected Member
Thanks my good sir. Really happy with the decision. Hope all is well with you.
zander13
Respected Member
Update: tomorrow I hit the 41 month mark.
I'm very happy with my decision to get rid of the internet within my apartment, just like how I'm happy with my decision to get rid of my smartphone years ago. My boredom levels have increased quite a bit, but it helped me get through some dicey times. I don't think that the little blips caused any damage, but I think my brain is just ultra sensitive to triggers at the moment. Probably a good thing in terms of long-run improvement, but it caused some major scares for me. I'm going to shoulder some of the blame, because I should have known better. Those illegal streams always have pop-ups, and popups usually contain garbage.
I'm sitting in a coffee shop writing this, and it just FEELs safer to be online in public. The combination of loneliness and internet is the most dangerous. In fact, I'm relearning the idea that loneliness is perhaps the worst thing of all. Since my emotions are getting more and more heightened, I now experience the suffering involved with loneliness much more acutely. I agree with all of the pandemic talk about how humans were meant to interact. Unless I am able to bury myself in a book (which I still cannot really do, sadly), then loneliness creeps in rather quickly when I'm sitting in my apartment alone. I'm guessing the lack of internet allows me to become aware of it too, because the internet can act as a kind of surrogate companion. When I'm on Reddit or whatever I sort of feel as if I'm interacting with people, though we all know that isn't true.
A full desire to be with people will bring my heart such joy. It's already sometimes there, and I know that it will grow larger and larger in the coming months.
I have so much to say right now, but I want to put a lot of it on hold until I have more data to confirm things. There have been numerous windows throughout this reboot where I thought I was sure of something, only for it to change, or go away completely, so I'm to not wait until I'm 100% sure of a revelation I'm trying to describe is valid and long-lasting. No more snap judgments for this cowboy.
That's it for now. Thanks for any and all support.
I'm very happy with my decision to get rid of the internet within my apartment, just like how I'm happy with my decision to get rid of my smartphone years ago. My boredom levels have increased quite a bit, but it helped me get through some dicey times. I don't think that the little blips caused any damage, but I think my brain is just ultra sensitive to triggers at the moment. Probably a good thing in terms of long-run improvement, but it caused some major scares for me. I'm going to shoulder some of the blame, because I should have known better. Those illegal streams always have pop-ups, and popups usually contain garbage.
I'm sitting in a coffee shop writing this, and it just FEELs safer to be online in public. The combination of loneliness and internet is the most dangerous. In fact, I'm relearning the idea that loneliness is perhaps the worst thing of all. Since my emotions are getting more and more heightened, I now experience the suffering involved with loneliness much more acutely. I agree with all of the pandemic talk about how humans were meant to interact. Unless I am able to bury myself in a book (which I still cannot really do, sadly), then loneliness creeps in rather quickly when I'm sitting in my apartment alone. I'm guessing the lack of internet allows me to become aware of it too, because the internet can act as a kind of surrogate companion. When I'm on Reddit or whatever I sort of feel as if I'm interacting with people, though we all know that isn't true.
A full desire to be with people will bring my heart such joy. It's already sometimes there, and I know that it will grow larger and larger in the coming months.
I have so much to say right now, but I want to put a lot of it on hold until I have more data to confirm things. There have been numerous windows throughout this reboot where I thought I was sure of something, only for it to change, or go away completely, so I'm to not wait until I'm 100% sure of a revelation I'm trying to describe is valid and long-lasting. No more snap judgments for this cowboy.
That's it for now. Thanks for any and all support.
Experiment1996
Member
That's the only way. I agree.
Experiment1996
Member
Do not masturbate.
zander13
Respected Member
My brain is just so tuned into triggers right now. I was watching the movie Knocked Up. When I began I reminded myself that I knew that there was only one sex scene, and that I'd mute it and look away before it even began.
This, in and of itself, was a mistake. I know better. But I got cocky.
Anyways, the scene approached, I turned the volume down, and looked away for what I thought was MORE than enough time.
The scene after the sex scene is funny to me, so in the back of my head I wanted to make sure I didn't miss it. This was the major fuck up.
I turned my head back to the T.V. too soon, and saw the worst possible part of the sex scene from my kitchen.
I turned away again and waited until it was over, but the same thing happened to me again. My brain turned into a beehive. All the chemicals and neurons and electrical wiring went crazy. Possibly even more severe than before.
I am really upset with myself. I didn't relapse, and had ZERO intention of seeking out any sort of erotic material, but I still made a mistake. I still have no internet, but the cable TV got me.
For ~2 hours I did my best to ride out the wave of cravings. I drove, I walked around, I stretched, I wrote in my journal, I punched my pillows. But it wouldn't go away. So now I'm at my brother's house. I drove here because I had to get the fuck out of my apartment and stay out for however long I need to.
I don't know if I caused any damage. I know for a fact that the last lapse(s) didn't do anything, but this one was different. The urge to relapse was STRONG. It was the most frightened I've felt this entire reboot in terms of loss of control.
What I'm learning is that my brain, at this particular point in time, REALLY wants relapse. Its reminding me of how difficult it is/was to stay sober during the first 15-60 days of a reboot. Exact same sort of yearning going on in the background of my mind.
I'm sorry if I'm letting anyone down. I so badly want to be a success story. I didn't relapse, but this is still a bad example. I'm usually so fucking good with this stuff, but I guess I need to be even better.
No more R rated movies. That's always been a rule, but, apparently, today, it didn't apply to me. This addiction is so fucking sinister that I don't doubt that it's fucking with my decision making in these subtle ways. Normally I'd never fuck with this shit.
I'm going to communicate these issues with someone in my life so that they can walk beside me. I don't think I can do this last portion of the reboot alone. It's too treacherous. I've had more scares in the past month than I've had in 3+ years. That's no coincidence. My brain is turning on. It's becoming sensitive, and its wanting porn more than it has in a long ass time.
Wish me luck gents. Tonight was fucking terrifying.
I'll report back when I have enough info to decide whether or not this mistake caused any sort of damage or setback. This addiction is so fucking imprinted in my brain that its hard to fathom.
This, in and of itself, was a mistake. I know better. But I got cocky.
Anyways, the scene approached, I turned the volume down, and looked away for what I thought was MORE than enough time.
The scene after the sex scene is funny to me, so in the back of my head I wanted to make sure I didn't miss it. This was the major fuck up.
I turned my head back to the T.V. too soon, and saw the worst possible part of the sex scene from my kitchen.
I turned away again and waited until it was over, but the same thing happened to me again. My brain turned into a beehive. All the chemicals and neurons and electrical wiring went crazy. Possibly even more severe than before.
I am really upset with myself. I didn't relapse, and had ZERO intention of seeking out any sort of erotic material, but I still made a mistake. I still have no internet, but the cable TV got me.
For ~2 hours I did my best to ride out the wave of cravings. I drove, I walked around, I stretched, I wrote in my journal, I punched my pillows. But it wouldn't go away. So now I'm at my brother's house. I drove here because I had to get the fuck out of my apartment and stay out for however long I need to.
I don't know if I caused any damage. I know for a fact that the last lapse(s) didn't do anything, but this one was different. The urge to relapse was STRONG. It was the most frightened I've felt this entire reboot in terms of loss of control.
What I'm learning is that my brain, at this particular point in time, REALLY wants relapse. Its reminding me of how difficult it is/was to stay sober during the first 15-60 days of a reboot. Exact same sort of yearning going on in the background of my mind.
I'm sorry if I'm letting anyone down. I so badly want to be a success story. I didn't relapse, but this is still a bad example. I'm usually so fucking good with this stuff, but I guess I need to be even better.
No more R rated movies. That's always been a rule, but, apparently, today, it didn't apply to me. This addiction is so fucking sinister that I don't doubt that it's fucking with my decision making in these subtle ways. Normally I'd never fuck with this shit.
I'm going to communicate these issues with someone in my life so that they can walk beside me. I don't think I can do this last portion of the reboot alone. It's too treacherous. I've had more scares in the past month than I've had in 3+ years. That's no coincidence. My brain is turning on. It's becoming sensitive, and its wanting porn more than it has in a long ass time.
Wish me luck gents. Tonight was fucking terrifying.
I'll report back when I have enough info to decide whether or not this mistake caused any sort of damage or setback. This addiction is so fucking imprinted in my brain that its hard to fathom.
Good job on damage control. Stay strong. It will get easier.
zander13
Respected Member
I need to remember that this is a journal, and its main purpose is to help me express myself. I still get caught up in worrying about how other's will react to what I say, and that isn't healthy. Sorry, self.
So tonight has been pretty rough for me. And the scary thing is the timing of the pain almost perfectly mirrors the timing of the mistake I made last night.
I still don't know for certain, but yeah, that doesn't sound like a coincidence. It sounds like a rebound effect--what goes up must come down.
I'll use the next couple days to either confirm or deny this hypothesis.
I'm already starting to try and wrap my head around the after effects of the lapse. I need to accept it in order to stave off the shame. Shame is not useful in any sense, it will only cause me to spiral. A lot of my binges, in the past, were fueled by intense shame.
If I did cause damage, then it won't be life-threatening. Who knows, maybe tonight will be the worst of it, and I'll continue on as scheduled. I was really starting to see slivers of normality before it happened, so I have to figure that seeing a non-nude sex scene for ~2-3 seconds won't bring me anywhere near the beginning of the journey. I still am very far along in the journey, no matter what the viewing did to my brain. I didn't touch anything. I didn't even get aroused. It was all just the neurons and electrons and all that brain jazz. I saw something and my pathways responded. That was the extent of the event.
Now that he weather is getting nicer I've been hiking almost every day. I've also started meditating and taking cold showers again. My body is also in the best shape its been since I was in high school. I have things to keep building on. I just can't lose the path. I cannot let whatever damage this episode caused ruin the entire thing.
I don't know if I peaked at the sex scene because my addiction was in control or if it was truly a 100% innocent mistake. Dwelling on that question won't solve anything at this point. It already happened. It's now up to me to learn from this. No R rated movies, for at least another 1-2 years. Meditate daily. Keep the frontal lobes strong and my awareness levels high. I learned that I still cannot behave like a normal person. Concessions need to be made, and I can't spend time feeling pity for myself. Yes, they are concessions, but many other people in this world sacrifice a helluva lot more. My aunt has bone cancer for fuck's sakes. She is about to have to give up everything.
I have more to say but I keep losing my train of thought. I've been locked in a quagmire of confusion for the past 48 hours.
To reiterate, Zander, you need to start accepting the consequences. You need to rebuild yourself and continue to build upon the foundations you already have in place. You aren't at square one, and if you keep fighting you will get out of it eventually. You're so fucking close and the zillion micro-observations you've been making over the past month were very real. The enjoyment of the music, the keener vision, the sharper sense of smell, the bursts of energy, the intellectual curiosity, the occasional optimism. These are all things that you tasted, and saw. Even if you did set yourself back, you now know that they are there for the taking.
No R rated movies.
P.S. Zander, you're still at your brother's house for one more night because you care deeply about yourself. You're doing the best you can at this point in time, and you need to stay strong. You gotta beat this thing. You made a mistake. Take responsibility and begin grieving, whilst looking forward to what lies ahead.
So tonight has been pretty rough for me. And the scary thing is the timing of the pain almost perfectly mirrors the timing of the mistake I made last night.
I still don't know for certain, but yeah, that doesn't sound like a coincidence. It sounds like a rebound effect--what goes up must come down.
I'll use the next couple days to either confirm or deny this hypothesis.
I'm already starting to try and wrap my head around the after effects of the lapse. I need to accept it in order to stave off the shame. Shame is not useful in any sense, it will only cause me to spiral. A lot of my binges, in the past, were fueled by intense shame.
If I did cause damage, then it won't be life-threatening. Who knows, maybe tonight will be the worst of it, and I'll continue on as scheduled. I was really starting to see slivers of normality before it happened, so I have to figure that seeing a non-nude sex scene for ~2-3 seconds won't bring me anywhere near the beginning of the journey. I still am very far along in the journey, no matter what the viewing did to my brain. I didn't touch anything. I didn't even get aroused. It was all just the neurons and electrons and all that brain jazz. I saw something and my pathways responded. That was the extent of the event.
Now that he weather is getting nicer I've been hiking almost every day. I've also started meditating and taking cold showers again. My body is also in the best shape its been since I was in high school. I have things to keep building on. I just can't lose the path. I cannot let whatever damage this episode caused ruin the entire thing.
I don't know if I peaked at the sex scene because my addiction was in control or if it was truly a 100% innocent mistake. Dwelling on that question won't solve anything at this point. It already happened. It's now up to me to learn from this. No R rated movies, for at least another 1-2 years. Meditate daily. Keep the frontal lobes strong and my awareness levels high. I learned that I still cannot behave like a normal person. Concessions need to be made, and I can't spend time feeling pity for myself. Yes, they are concessions, but many other people in this world sacrifice a helluva lot more. My aunt has bone cancer for fuck's sakes. She is about to have to give up everything.
I have more to say but I keep losing my train of thought. I've been locked in a quagmire of confusion for the past 48 hours.
To reiterate, Zander, you need to start accepting the consequences. You need to rebuild yourself and continue to build upon the foundations you already have in place. You aren't at square one, and if you keep fighting you will get out of it eventually. You're so fucking close and the zillion micro-observations you've been making over the past month were very real. The enjoyment of the music, the keener vision, the sharper sense of smell, the bursts of energy, the intellectual curiosity, the occasional optimism. These are all things that you tasted, and saw. Even if you did set yourself back, you now know that they are there for the taking.
No R rated movies.
P.S. Zander, you're still at your brother's house for one more night because you care deeply about yourself. You're doing the best you can at this point in time, and you need to stay strong. You gotta beat this thing. You made a mistake. Take responsibility and begin grieving, whilst looking forward to what lies ahead.
If I may say, Zander, in my estimation this wouldn't even register as a 'slip' let alone a 'lapse'.
This is such a non-lapse, and the only thing that would make it a lapse is if you charge it with emotion, which sounds like you may've done. Like you said, 'it happened'- so just move on, and treat it like the non-event that it was.
It may have reminded you of what you've been working so hard to heal from, but that's all it was, a memory. All the feelings and thoughts that have arisen in the wake of that brief moment is all thought/feeling, easy to dismiss.
Good idea on the R-rated material, if that doesn't serve you. But ultimately, you're in control, not some external stimuli that you accidentally were exposed to.
zander13
Respected Member
So it's safe to conclude that the whatever you want to call it that occurred last week didn't do any sort of long-term damage. It was a two-day affair that caused a two-day shittiness. By day three I felt clear and relatively calmer. It was like what wet dreams and sex used to do to me back when I first began the reboot.
I've since learned from the experiences, and have been extra careful about any sort of media I consume. I've also gotten back into Buddhism quite deeply. I started studying the books I used to read, and have been meditating daily. Mindfulness, if nothing else, is a great way to gain even more control of my moment-to-moment actions. One of the most important tenets of mindfulness is the idea that our diet does not just consist of the foods we eat, but the things we decide to observe and engage with on a daily basis. Consuming dark shit like the news, I've decided, doesn't do much in the way of wellness for me. Most of the internet, I've discovered, is complete dog shit when not consumed with the aim of learning new things.
I've totally cut out video games barring the occasional "relapse" of 1-2 hours per week. Every once in a while I'll log back on and fuck around until I begin realizing that the game is fucking with my brain and causing my overall quality of existence to decrease.
I spend a lot time away from computers these days. Not having internet has kind of secured that outcome. I still use T.V., but I've never viewed cable television as a negative thing. At least, when watching cable, I feel as if I'm somewhat a part of the world at large. Using the internet is the most lonely experience in that I am the only person who is performing that activity. It's completely self-contained. With cable, I'll throw on sports center, or a golf tournament, and know, subconsciously, that there are many others involved with the programming with me, including the actual hosts or performers/athletes/audience members.
Another major breakthrough is an ability to read. Not fiction, but non-fiction. I don't have it at every moment, but over the past week and a half I've been able to consistently read words and retain them. This is huge. I remember one guy on my other forum who said that he used the ability to read as a gauge of his progress, because reading requires a certain level of brain-health and dopamine reception. I agree, though I'm not going to get too excited. It's a great addition to my life, but sometimes, throughout this reboot, good things have come and gone.
I'm trying to think of what else. For a hot second there I was hiking every day, and enjoying nature, but I haven't had the same cravings over the past couple days. I could see it coming back though, especially as the weather get's nicer. Nature is perhaps the most positive influence on my mental well being, especially when I'm in the woods.
The most noticeable and permanent change are my energy levels. During the first wave of PAWs, which happened after the ~9 month mark, I spent 80% of my days horizontally. This didn't change for ~3 years.
After the 3 year mark, I only lie down to watch T.V. and sleep. This is a big one. I now want to move. To be active. I just feel better when I'm traversing across space. Even driving feels nice. Humans, on a biological level, needed to constantly skedaddle. To get the fuck to places other than the ones they were already at. The simple act of leaving my apartment makes thing better.
Overall, I still experience moments of pain. In fact, they've been pretty fucking sharp lately. I attribute that to my proximity to humanity. Things hurt more because I feel harder. I also think I'm nearing the core of the whole thing. At least I hope I am. Those first, intense porn viewings. The ones that started this fucking mess.
I don't think the rough shit is going to fade until the final moments. That's just how my brain heals itself I guess. Some of this rebooting business is super personal. My guess is that my addiction involved long periods of abstinence followed by intense, intense binges (the worst way to be, don't fucking do this). Kindling, they call it.
I have no timeline. I'm still super confused and scared a lot of the time. I still spend a lot of my day thinking about the symptoms. I think a major sign of recovery will be an ability to be completely in the moment, without having to fucking ruminate on the withdrawals and how severe they are.
Still have a lot of healing to go, but I think that the final bits and pieces will come fast. Fuck, I'm near 3.5 years of abstinence. Something's gotta give in a major way soon. I guess the energy thing is pretty major, but I want something massive. Something like what I described above--not having to fucking think about this shit all of the time.
That's it for now. Good luck folks.
I've since learned from the experiences, and have been extra careful about any sort of media I consume. I've also gotten back into Buddhism quite deeply. I started studying the books I used to read, and have been meditating daily. Mindfulness, if nothing else, is a great way to gain even more control of my moment-to-moment actions. One of the most important tenets of mindfulness is the idea that our diet does not just consist of the foods we eat, but the things we decide to observe and engage with on a daily basis. Consuming dark shit like the news, I've decided, doesn't do much in the way of wellness for me. Most of the internet, I've discovered, is complete dog shit when not consumed with the aim of learning new things.
I've totally cut out video games barring the occasional "relapse" of 1-2 hours per week. Every once in a while I'll log back on and fuck around until I begin realizing that the game is fucking with my brain and causing my overall quality of existence to decrease.
I spend a lot time away from computers these days. Not having internet has kind of secured that outcome. I still use T.V., but I've never viewed cable television as a negative thing. At least, when watching cable, I feel as if I'm somewhat a part of the world at large. Using the internet is the most lonely experience in that I am the only person who is performing that activity. It's completely self-contained. With cable, I'll throw on sports center, or a golf tournament, and know, subconsciously, that there are many others involved with the programming with me, including the actual hosts or performers/athletes/audience members.
Another major breakthrough is an ability to read. Not fiction, but non-fiction. I don't have it at every moment, but over the past week and a half I've been able to consistently read words and retain them. This is huge. I remember one guy on my other forum who said that he used the ability to read as a gauge of his progress, because reading requires a certain level of brain-health and dopamine reception. I agree, though I'm not going to get too excited. It's a great addition to my life, but sometimes, throughout this reboot, good things have come and gone.
I'm trying to think of what else. For a hot second there I was hiking every day, and enjoying nature, but I haven't had the same cravings over the past couple days. I could see it coming back though, especially as the weather get's nicer. Nature is perhaps the most positive influence on my mental well being, especially when I'm in the woods.
The most noticeable and permanent change are my energy levels. During the first wave of PAWs, which happened after the ~9 month mark, I spent 80% of my days horizontally. This didn't change for ~3 years.
After the 3 year mark, I only lie down to watch T.V. and sleep. This is a big one. I now want to move. To be active. I just feel better when I'm traversing across space. Even driving feels nice. Humans, on a biological level, needed to constantly skedaddle. To get the fuck to places other than the ones they were already at. The simple act of leaving my apartment makes thing better.
Overall, I still experience moments of pain. In fact, they've been pretty fucking sharp lately. I attribute that to my proximity to humanity. Things hurt more because I feel harder. I also think I'm nearing the core of the whole thing. At least I hope I am. Those first, intense porn viewings. The ones that started this fucking mess.
I don't think the rough shit is going to fade until the final moments. That's just how my brain heals itself I guess. Some of this rebooting business is super personal. My guess is that my addiction involved long periods of abstinence followed by intense, intense binges (the worst way to be, don't fucking do this). Kindling, they call it.
I have no timeline. I'm still super confused and scared a lot of the time. I still spend a lot of my day thinking about the symptoms. I think a major sign of recovery will be an ability to be completely in the moment, without having to fucking ruminate on the withdrawals and how severe they are.
Still have a lot of healing to go, but I think that the final bits and pieces will come fast. Fuck, I'm near 3.5 years of abstinence. Something's gotta give in a major way soon. I guess the energy thing is pretty major, but I want something massive. Something like what I described above--not having to fucking think about this shit all of the time.
That's it for now. Good luck folks.
zander13
Respected Member
So at first I reacted positively to what you said, and I still think some of the points you made hold some weight, but after further thought I have to say that I disagree with a lot of it.
I think it's presumptuous to assume you know what is happening within someone's mind at any given moment. They were not just thoughts and feelings, but rather direct brain responses to what I saw. I had to actively fight rather intense urges. All three times. Overall I'm happy with how I responded to everything, and happy about what I said about it.
This goes back to my comment about treating this place like a journal. At the end of the day it's my space to speak truthfully, and I need to continue to say what I believe to be true.
"But ultimately, you're in control, not some external stimuli that you accidentally were exposed to." Yes, this is technically true. But I'm still going to avoid R-rated movies.
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zander13
Respected Member
I had a nightmare about an ex-girlfriend of mine and I woke up this morning with strong emotions--mostly negative.
After spending 5 minutes lying in bed I realized that my brain was finally processing the guilt and shame I should have felt after the way I treated her the last time I saw her.
Without getting too detailed, I called her over to use her body as a masturbation device after I'd broken up with her. I used a poor girl's body. thus crushing her soul (at the time). The worst part was that I woke up the next morning and pseudo bragged about it to my roommate. Since the floorplan of my apartment was quite open she heard every word, and stormed out crying. I know. I'm a total asshole, or at least was.
She's married now, with kids, and I like to believe happy, but I'm glad that the withdrawals are forcing me to feel the pain of that moment. It was, I believe, the worst thing I've ever done to a person that I used to love. I really loved her, and with her, I learned what it was like to feel a desire to have kids. I was seriously considering starting a family with her. And then I broke up with her and did what I did.
Anyways, that was a long time ago, but only now am I feeling the consequences at their most vivid. I'm happy about that. Emotions are good. They'll come and go, just like everything else.
I don't want to talk about how well I'm doing overall because I don't want to jinx it. But this dream was something else. I used a person. I put some of the blame on the porn addiction, but I also put some of it on myself. I'm just glad that I'm finally getting rid of it completely.
Easter was interesting. Some good, but also a reminder that my thoughts about my parents and generational rot are valid. It's a fine line--they're all just insecure, damaged people. Everyone is just trying to get by--but that doesn't mean I should try to re-establish relationships that caused me similar amounts of damage. It's one thing to observe people as they are--it's another to make yourself emotionally available to them and indulge their insecurities. I don't want to play the role I used to anymore. I like who I am when I'm alone, or with people I recently met. That's the most updated Zander--and the one that I like best.
After spending 5 minutes lying in bed I realized that my brain was finally processing the guilt and shame I should have felt after the way I treated her the last time I saw her.
Without getting too detailed, I called her over to use her body as a masturbation device after I'd broken up with her. I used a poor girl's body. thus crushing her soul (at the time). The worst part was that I woke up the next morning and pseudo bragged about it to my roommate. Since the floorplan of my apartment was quite open she heard every word, and stormed out crying. I know. I'm a total asshole, or at least was.
She's married now, with kids, and I like to believe happy, but I'm glad that the withdrawals are forcing me to feel the pain of that moment. It was, I believe, the worst thing I've ever done to a person that I used to love. I really loved her, and with her, I learned what it was like to feel a desire to have kids. I was seriously considering starting a family with her. And then I broke up with her and did what I did.
Anyways, that was a long time ago, but only now am I feeling the consequences at their most vivid. I'm happy about that. Emotions are good. They'll come and go, just like everything else.
I don't want to talk about how well I'm doing overall because I don't want to jinx it. But this dream was something else. I used a person. I put some of the blame on the porn addiction, but I also put some of it on myself. I'm just glad that I'm finally getting rid of it completely.
Easter was interesting. Some good, but also a reminder that my thoughts about my parents and generational rot are valid. It's a fine line--they're all just insecure, damaged people. Everyone is just trying to get by--but that doesn't mean I should try to re-establish relationships that caused me similar amounts of damage. It's one thing to observe people as they are--it's another to make yourself emotionally available to them and indulge their insecurities. I don't want to play the role I used to anymore. I like who I am when I'm alone, or with people I recently met. That's the most updated Zander--and the one that I like best.
zander13
Respected Member
So all I can do is speak on my experiences over the last 7-14 days. Maybe 21? I don't know how long it's been.
I'm not going to make any guarantees to myself. And I'm going to refrain from saying any of this is permanent.
I have said, multiple times on this journal, that I wanted the kind of change that would be game breaking. A major shift.
Over the past however many days (let's say 21), that time has come. I don't know if it will last, I don't know if I still have to go back down to the depths, but I do know that the past 21 days have made me more optimistic that I've been since the first year of this reboot (back when I thought it'd take less than a year to recover fully).
So, what has changed?
#1. Sleep--My sleep schedule has been so unbelievably fucked for the past 3+ years that I didn't even bother getting into it. Otherwordly stuff. There were many, many, many days where my brain would not allow me to fall asleep until 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9 in the morning. I've covered every hour when it comes to bedtime ranges. Every hour. Pure torture, and one of the loneliest, most alienating symptoms. I don't know if the fucked up sleep will come back, but so far so good.
#2. Energy--I've been touching on this one for a while now. This was the first major installment. My energy started to return the past month or two, and that hasn't changed at all, really. I do stuff now. I hike and workout consistently. I run errands.
#3. Optimism--Over the past 1-2 weeks I've had at least an hour's worth of true-blue optimism each day. Times where instead of having to force myself to do something to pass the time, my imagination activates and my emotions draw me to decisions that I have to make--multiple options of maximizing the moment. Multiple avenues of happiness. 1-2 hours is huge for the spirit. Makes it so much easier to continue onward.
#4. I want more--As each improvement arrives, I find myself getting spoiled. I'm no longer satisfied with having energy--now I want the ability to read fiction whenever I want to. I want to be able to have as teady libido, and to watch movies from beginning to end with 100% immersion. I want to feel completely stable. I want the minor symptoms to completely fall away. Many times I told myself that I'd be perfectly okay with only having a stable sleep schedule. Now that I have it, I want it all. I want to be completely recovered. I want to build a full, vast life for myself.
#5. Vision--My vision is at an 80% clarity level. Maybe 90. I almost see the world the way normal folks see it. Details are more defined. The horizon seems clearer. It's like I finally bought a pair of glasses. Still not perfect though. And it still wavers.
#6. Nature's effect on me--I now feel better, as a human, when I'm outside. Pretty simple. Hiking makes me feel better. Trees make me feel better. My mind calms down immensely.
#7. Computer screens effect on me--computer screens make me feel pretty fucking shitty. Browsing the internet is nothing but bad. I just don't think my brain was meant to be in front of a computer. It's too sensitive to stimuli. Maybe this will change once I completely recover.
I'm not perfect at keeping it (the internet, computers) out of my life, since I still get bored enough to where I use computers to pass the time. Anhedonia is still present in my life, though to a lesser degree. It's this weird thing where I feel like I need them to get by, but I feel guilty and anxious while using them.
#8. Emotions--I feel things. Anger. I get angry more. Think it's a mixture of a re-engagement with my emotions along with abnormal anger levels caused by withdrawals. I'd rather feel anger than nothing at all. I also think it's just normal to feel anger. I wasn't allowed to experience that many emotions when I was growing up so it's kind of new to just have it come up, express it, then move on quickly.
I stood up and walked around before sitting back down to write again and what I came up with whilst doing so is this: the more I get better the more clear the purpose of my life becomes. I was able to read ~10 pages of actual fiction yesterday and the whole time my subconscious was the happiest its been since the last time I was able to read like a normal fucking human being. Fiction is my everything. I want to die in front of a book or while in the middle of a sentence. It's the only thing I want to do. It's the only activity that feels truly worthwhile. Always has been that way.
This truth has been my drive to recover since the jump. I wanted to see how talented of a writer I was. I wanted to read all of the books that I had on my shelf. I wanted to attempt true mastery of something. I'm tired of being an amateur. I've tried a lot of things in this life, and the more I tried the more I now realize that the only thing I want to become a master at is writing and reading. Even if I don't sell a novel or whatever I still want to be involved in that realm. Teaching. Editing. Whatever.
That's where my head is truly at. I want this shit to be completely done so I can close this chapter and start the one that will sustain me until I die. I'm trying to force it these days, but I'm only able to get glimpses. I'll read some author interviews or do some research on shit I want to read. Or, like yesterday, I'll get through 10 pages of actual fiction. But this is all piddly shit compared to my ambitions. I'm going to read every single fucking book I can get my hands on. Every one. I'm going to spend at least 5 hours a day reading. Every day. I did it before when I was ~24 or 25, and it was fucking awesome and felt like exactly what I should have been doing.
I still have symptoms. I still have time between now and full recovery. But the pain is a shadow of itself. Anhedonia is a shadow of itself. Anxiety is shadow of itself. And none of it ever lasts that long. Even on the rougher days I still get those windows of goodness.
As I said at the beginning, this amazingness could disappear, but even if it does it won't be for long. I'm near the end. The very end. I really am. I'm trying to hold myself back from celebrating, but it's unavoidable. I'm at 3+ years. 1269 days to be exact. A week short of 3.5 years. Makes sense man. Fuck. Unheard of. About damn time the major swing arrived. What's messed is that even though I just typed all that out I'm still not allowing myself to feel it. I'm not there yet. I'm not at the end. I won't pump my chest until I finally sit down and write that first page of fiction. Until I finish reading that first classic Tolstoy book, start to finish. In one sitting, like I used to be able to do.
I can't wait to post that success story. Only thing that I'm truly anxious about these days is triggers. Those moments were scary because my brain is coming back online, and it's super sensitive to anything sexual. I avoid most everything now. It's just not worth it.
I'm glad I typed this out because it's reminding me to double down on my defenses. I'm going to tighten up the belt even further. Meditation helps with self-control, but I always need reminders to be on top of shit.
Hoping I only have 1-3 months left. Once I start having days where I don't think about PAWs at all is when I'll really start coming online.
God speed out there.
I'm not going to make any guarantees to myself. And I'm going to refrain from saying any of this is permanent.
I have said, multiple times on this journal, that I wanted the kind of change that would be game breaking. A major shift.
Over the past however many days (let's say 21), that time has come. I don't know if it will last, I don't know if I still have to go back down to the depths, but I do know that the past 21 days have made me more optimistic that I've been since the first year of this reboot (back when I thought it'd take less than a year to recover fully).
So, what has changed?
#1. Sleep--My sleep schedule has been so unbelievably fucked for the past 3+ years that I didn't even bother getting into it. Otherwordly stuff. There were many, many, many days where my brain would not allow me to fall asleep until 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9 in the morning. I've covered every hour when it comes to bedtime ranges. Every hour. Pure torture, and one of the loneliest, most alienating symptoms. I don't know if the fucked up sleep will come back, but so far so good.
#2. Energy--I've been touching on this one for a while now. This was the first major installment. My energy started to return the past month or two, and that hasn't changed at all, really. I do stuff now. I hike and workout consistently. I run errands.
#3. Optimism--Over the past 1-2 weeks I've had at least an hour's worth of true-blue optimism each day. Times where instead of having to force myself to do something to pass the time, my imagination activates and my emotions draw me to decisions that I have to make--multiple options of maximizing the moment. Multiple avenues of happiness. 1-2 hours is huge for the spirit. Makes it so much easier to continue onward.
#4. I want more--As each improvement arrives, I find myself getting spoiled. I'm no longer satisfied with having energy--now I want the ability to read fiction whenever I want to. I want to be able to have as teady libido, and to watch movies from beginning to end with 100% immersion. I want to feel completely stable. I want the minor symptoms to completely fall away. Many times I told myself that I'd be perfectly okay with only having a stable sleep schedule. Now that I have it, I want it all. I want to be completely recovered. I want to build a full, vast life for myself.
#5. Vision--My vision is at an 80% clarity level. Maybe 90. I almost see the world the way normal folks see it. Details are more defined. The horizon seems clearer. It's like I finally bought a pair of glasses. Still not perfect though. And it still wavers.
#6. Nature's effect on me--I now feel better, as a human, when I'm outside. Pretty simple. Hiking makes me feel better. Trees make me feel better. My mind calms down immensely.
#7. Computer screens effect on me--computer screens make me feel pretty fucking shitty. Browsing the internet is nothing but bad. I just don't think my brain was meant to be in front of a computer. It's too sensitive to stimuli. Maybe this will change once I completely recover.
I'm not perfect at keeping it (the internet, computers) out of my life, since I still get bored enough to where I use computers to pass the time. Anhedonia is still present in my life, though to a lesser degree. It's this weird thing where I feel like I need them to get by, but I feel guilty and anxious while using them.
#8. Emotions--I feel things. Anger. I get angry more. Think it's a mixture of a re-engagement with my emotions along with abnormal anger levels caused by withdrawals. I'd rather feel anger than nothing at all. I also think it's just normal to feel anger. I wasn't allowed to experience that many emotions when I was growing up so it's kind of new to just have it come up, express it, then move on quickly.
I stood up and walked around before sitting back down to write again and what I came up with whilst doing so is this: the more I get better the more clear the purpose of my life becomes. I was able to read ~10 pages of actual fiction yesterday and the whole time my subconscious was the happiest its been since the last time I was able to read like a normal fucking human being. Fiction is my everything. I want to die in front of a book or while in the middle of a sentence. It's the only thing I want to do. It's the only activity that feels truly worthwhile. Always has been that way.
This truth has been my drive to recover since the jump. I wanted to see how talented of a writer I was. I wanted to read all of the books that I had on my shelf. I wanted to attempt true mastery of something. I'm tired of being an amateur. I've tried a lot of things in this life, and the more I tried the more I now realize that the only thing I want to become a master at is writing and reading. Even if I don't sell a novel or whatever I still want to be involved in that realm. Teaching. Editing. Whatever.
That's where my head is truly at. I want this shit to be completely done so I can close this chapter and start the one that will sustain me until I die. I'm trying to force it these days, but I'm only able to get glimpses. I'll read some author interviews or do some research on shit I want to read. Or, like yesterday, I'll get through 10 pages of actual fiction. But this is all piddly shit compared to my ambitions. I'm going to read every single fucking book I can get my hands on. Every one. I'm going to spend at least 5 hours a day reading. Every day. I did it before when I was ~24 or 25, and it was fucking awesome and felt like exactly what I should have been doing.
I still have symptoms. I still have time between now and full recovery. But the pain is a shadow of itself. Anhedonia is a shadow of itself. Anxiety is shadow of itself. And none of it ever lasts that long. Even on the rougher days I still get those windows of goodness.
As I said at the beginning, this amazingness could disappear, but even if it does it won't be for long. I'm near the end. The very end. I really am. I'm trying to hold myself back from celebrating, but it's unavoidable. I'm at 3+ years. 1269 days to be exact. A week short of 3.5 years. Makes sense man. Fuck. Unheard of. About damn time the major swing arrived. What's messed is that even though I just typed all that out I'm still not allowing myself to feel it. I'm not there yet. I'm not at the end. I won't pump my chest until I finally sit down and write that first page of fiction. Until I finish reading that first classic Tolstoy book, start to finish. In one sitting, like I used to be able to do.
I can't wait to post that success story. Only thing that I'm truly anxious about these days is triggers. Those moments were scary because my brain is coming back online, and it's super sensitive to anything sexual. I avoid most everything now. It's just not worth it.
I'm glad I typed this out because it's reminding me to double down on my defenses. I'm going to tighten up the belt even further. Meditation helps with self-control, but I always need reminders to be on top of shit.
Hoping I only have 1-3 months left. Once I start having days where I don't think about PAWs at all is when I'll really start coming online.
God speed out there.
zander13
Respected Member
One more thing I want to touch upon:
I figured out about why I became so addicted a while ago. And i still stand by the observations. A lot of therapists and mentors helped me come to these conclusions.
Narcissism is no joke. Having narcissistic adults in your life will burn you to a crisp. Now, I don't think my parents are true narcs, but they are VERY emotionally underdeveloped and immature. Their insecurities trump everything. There are whole books written on the subject.
I'm now getting to a point where I can observe their behavior without getting triggered by it. They no longer have the power to fuck my shit up.
I don't know if porn addiction is caused by the nature of it (supernormal stimulus), or if there are deeper roots. For me, I'm starting to think that the parental thing is only a part of it. But I do think the low self-esteem that stems from my upbringing allowed it to continue even when I wanted it to go away.
Here are some other contributing factors:
Porn is a supernormal megadicking stimulus. It's the heroin of the internet. I think it's already causing major shifts in society. I'm sure of it. ED pills are commonplace for college kids. Gamertags are full of pornstar names and fucked up porn genres. It's all part and parcel of the internet's affects on humanity, but I think porn's particular brand of fucked-upness is a MAJOR roleplayer that is getting ignored due to how embarrassing it is to bring up. Plus all of the weird political bullshit that seems to cloud any sort of discussion.
I also have a naturally addictive disposition. I'm emotional, anxious, sensitive, and a couple of other things that create very fertile soil for addictions to sprout up.
Porn got me when I was at the perfect age to get got. Smushy brains and tube sites don't mix mell.
I don't exactly know what I'm trying to say. I guess this is just me using this place as a journal, because I'm working out my thoughts in real time. This question has been in my mind since the start. It's important to me to understand my world as it is.
I wish my parents weren't emotionally stunted, but I'm also happy about many other facets of my upbringing. It's all so complicated. Rich material for a writing man. I don't think the matter will ever be closed.
Watch out for takers though. They'll mess with your self-worth. When I look back to who I was as a kid, I feel so warm. That was me. I liked to read and I liked to stage armyguy battles and i like to watch movies and I liked to explore nature. Simple shit. But for some reason, once I hit a certain age, things had to shift. I don't know what caused the shifting forces, but that was when things turned awry.
I've spent the last 10 years trying to get back to who I was when I was that little kid. I'm getting real motherfucking close. And I'm shocked by how much I've been able to recover. I'm still that same kid dude. My body is just beat up. And I have all of these memories that hurt. And many that don't.
I figured out about why I became so addicted a while ago. And i still stand by the observations. A lot of therapists and mentors helped me come to these conclusions.
Narcissism is no joke. Having narcissistic adults in your life will burn you to a crisp. Now, I don't think my parents are true narcs, but they are VERY emotionally underdeveloped and immature. Their insecurities trump everything. There are whole books written on the subject.
I'm now getting to a point where I can observe their behavior without getting triggered by it. They no longer have the power to fuck my shit up.
I don't know if porn addiction is caused by the nature of it (supernormal stimulus), or if there are deeper roots. For me, I'm starting to think that the parental thing is only a part of it. But I do think the low self-esteem that stems from my upbringing allowed it to continue even when I wanted it to go away.
Here are some other contributing factors:
Porn is a supernormal megadicking stimulus. It's the heroin of the internet. I think it's already causing major shifts in society. I'm sure of it. ED pills are commonplace for college kids. Gamertags are full of pornstar names and fucked up porn genres. It's all part and parcel of the internet's affects on humanity, but I think porn's particular brand of fucked-upness is a MAJOR roleplayer that is getting ignored due to how embarrassing it is to bring up. Plus all of the weird political bullshit that seems to cloud any sort of discussion.
I also have a naturally addictive disposition. I'm emotional, anxious, sensitive, and a couple of other things that create very fertile soil for addictions to sprout up.
Porn got me when I was at the perfect age to get got. Smushy brains and tube sites don't mix mell.
I don't exactly know what I'm trying to say. I guess this is just me using this place as a journal, because I'm working out my thoughts in real time. This question has been in my mind since the start. It's important to me to understand my world as it is.
I wish my parents weren't emotionally stunted, but I'm also happy about many other facets of my upbringing. It's all so complicated. Rich material for a writing man. I don't think the matter will ever be closed.
Watch out for takers though. They'll mess with your self-worth. When I look back to who I was as a kid, I feel so warm. That was me. I liked to read and I liked to stage armyguy battles and i like to watch movies and I liked to explore nature. Simple shit. But for some reason, once I hit a certain age, things had to shift. I don't know what caused the shifting forces, but that was when things turned awry.
I've spent the last 10 years trying to get back to who I was when I was that little kid. I'm getting real motherfucking close. And I'm shocked by how much I've been able to recover. I'm still that same kid dude. My body is just beat up. And I have all of these memories that hurt. And many that don't.
Qwertyxyz
Active Member
Thanks for post,
Yeah loneliness sucks and it my biggest concern in getting time up (11 days atm) I know how good it is to release a bit of the emotion within but I don’t do it often enough.
I’m looking at groups and things like that to help me feel more connection.
Good read your journal
zander13
Respected Member
Sounds like a great idea sir. for the first year of my reboot I was constantly surrounded by other people and it really, really helped me.Thanks for post,
Yeah loneliness sucks and it my biggest concern in getting time up (11 days atm) I know how good it is to release a bit of the emotion within but I don’t do it often enough.
I’m looking at groups and things like that to help me feel more connection.
Good read your journal
zander13
Respected Member
I'm learning that the final stretch will include a less extreme up and down experience where the details of life begin to truly carve themselves out. I'm just chiseling away at the block of shit marble.
Yesterday I had a 30 minute window where I felt a peace I haven't felt in god knows how long. Was really nice.
Can't wait until I get to a point where I start forgetting that PAWs even exist. That'll be the next great turn of events.
Good luck folks.
Yesterday I had a 30 minute window where I felt a peace I haven't felt in god knows how long. Was really nice.
Can't wait until I get to a point where I start forgetting that PAWs even exist. That'll be the next great turn of events.
Good luck folks.