Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel

zander13

zander13

Respected Member
The world is full of irony.

So, out of nowhere, I got hit with some of the worst psychological torture I've ever encountered. Pure hellfire. Every negative memory, emotion, thought, feeling, and psychological state hit me all at once, like a hurricane of evil. Miserable thoughts slapped me across the face. It hurt so bad that my brain was trying to get me to relapse so that it would end.

The addiction is making its final stand. It knows that if I continue down this route that it will cease to exist, so it's mounting the greatest defense its got. Like the German Blitzkrieg. A violent, violent counteroffensive.

I think I'm out of the storm, but not without paying a toll. My spirit was shook. Is shook. I doubted everything. And it lasted 5 days. The worst 5 day spree of the entire shebang.

When something that traumatic happens fear re-enters my psyche. I don't want to experience something like that ever again. I barely even want to talk about it. Hell, today is no picnic either. It's still not fully gone.

I'm just happy I made it through. And I know that there will be rewards on the other side. I'm already feeling more creative and full of energy. I'm really getting to the end dude. I'm getting so fucking close.

I hope this is the last horrific event. But no matter what I gotta keep moving forward. I don't know how to make sense of this nonsense, and I need to come to grips with the notion that I may never make sense of it.

I had 2 wet dreams during the 5-day span, and I'm not going to attribute too much meaning to that other than the pain was reboot related. I think I'm just getting to the core of things. For instance, this morning I was hit with a wave of emotions involving some of the more heinous things I did in my past. It had me thinking that my brain is finally processing the psychological repercussions of my actions. When porn is involved, pain isn't felt wholly. It's dulled. Now that I'm not actively addicted, the hurt that I should have felt years ago is finally making itself known.

I'm ready for the pain to end, but I'm also excited about the progress. I'm all over the place, yet more grounded than ever before. In short, I really, really fucked my brain up with this whole porn thing.

Glad I have this online journal to put this phenomenon into words.

If I have one piece of advice to give it would be this: stop as soon as you can. Don't allow the illusion of a future to deter you from quitting for good. Rock bottom is no fun. The pain I felt over the past 5 days was fucking terrifying. It hurt so much dude.

I need to hold onto the comforting knowledge that I'm close to the finish line, and that no matter how long it takes, this will eventual end.
 
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zander13

zander13

Respected Member
Update at month 43

I haven't had much to say lately. I think a major reason for this is the addition of another medication to my regimen: an SSRI.

I've had bad experiences in the past with these bad boys, but I decided to give a new one a chance. My anxiety was starting to get in the way of everything.

It's been 2 weeks now and after some research on Reddit I'm learning that a side effect of SSRIs is a decreased need to write for your life, so to speak. When my anxiety is at its worse I almost NEED to get shit down on paper in order to move forward. Recently, my anxiety has been softened, so the abject need to write shit down isn't nearly as strong.

Another thing this med is doing is taking some of the edge off of withdrawal symptoms. I was already on the right track with the work I've done with this reboot, but the med is making things even easier.

The world continues to get clearer, but I'm still not out of this. Still optimistic, except when I'm in the midst of the deeper troughs. Shit warps my thoughts.

God speed.
 
zander13

zander13

Respected Member
43 months today: 1309 days.

Cruising along. Just getting over a dip in form. Feels nice to be getting out of it.

Antidepressant seems to be helping still. 3 weeks in on that front.

Sleep has been stellar. Really thankful for that.

Working out consistently still. Thinking about the future a lot. Optimistic about it, too.

A guy on the PAWs forum I frequent said that he spoke with a bunch of long-termers and reported back that each one of them ended up being thankful for the reboot. Part of me understands this sentiment, but when I'm really down I can't fathom being grateful for such a long, treacherous road. I'm sure it'll be much easier to feel grateful once I no longer have to endure the flatline. Hardship is good for the soul, according to buddhists and other philosophers from the past.

All I know is that I'm a much different person than the addict I used to be. All I have to do is remember that I'm better than what I used to accept, and that I have no reason to fear anyone or return to the roles I used to play.

Once fully reincarnated I'm going to re-enter the world with bright eyes and a thirst for newness. There is so much left for me to explore. A fuckton, actually. It'll be so gratifying to feel a part of things and to feel connected to the threads of energy and liveliness that I haven't been able to grasp for so long. I want to drive into the city and feel the electric charge of humanity--the surge of human vibrancy. It'll hit me like a rapture, I just know it. Nothing will feel small or insignificant. It'll all feel like a wonder and a blessing and an opportunity to feel awake.

Godspeed out there.
 
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