Zander Reboot - Light at the end of the tunnel

[zander13]

I think the porn is one of the bigger reasons that we feel bad about ourselves, but It is not the biggest one. Sometimes we just put everything we hate about our life on one thing. I think the biggest reason we are fucked up in life is our laziness and not doing enough to get our shit together. That's my biggest problem, I don't know do you feel that way sometimes. I know I can get my dick back if I abstain from porn long enough and rewire, but getting my shit done, studying, doing something to improve myself it's harder part for me. Not having my own income, not being my own boss, I think it's the biggest reason why I'm depressed and not feeling confident sometimes, besides this porn addiction.

Don't relapse man, just think about all the pain it will cause and do you want to fall back in it

Yeah man I definitely have some stuff to improve. But honestly, I'm not worried about my work ethic or anything like that.

I just need to get this addiction out of my life. Period. It has been nothing but a negative force, and that's the truth. I'm not blaming anything on it, but in a way, maybe I am. It REALLY has done some serious damage to my life. It's science man. THe chemicals in oyur brain are responsible for EVERYTHING> Dopamine is the seeking chemical. When our dopamine is messed up, we don't seek the proper stuff. We believe that porn is the ultimate biological advantage, so our brains point us towards porn, as opposed to life. I have felt what it feels like to be close to rebooted, and I know how great it is. I have proof. It's night and day. The world starts to open up in ways I couldn't have even imagined, because I've been addicted my ENTIRE adult life.

Which is why I'm stopping at NOTHING when it comes to beating this thing. And my parents know this, and are now helping me. I am a talented writer and a enthusiastic, charismatic person, and all I need to do is beat this fucking addiction and I won't worry about the rest of life.

Sounds arrogant maybe, but those are the facts that I'm dealing with. I fucking hate this addiction, and I know how serious it is. To me, it is very, very serious. Akin to the serpent that fucked over Eve. The devil if you will. To me, porn addiction and porn in general is the devil. And trust me, I'm not a religious person. I don't read the bible, I don't go to church. It's just done so much damage to me as a person. Made me into a person I'm not proud of. My number 1 priority is beating it. No question.

I am talking in general, The most journals I read I see that shit happening. I told you once, just keep journaling. I wish you all the best my brother, you gon beat this

You're right though. I think you're in a healthier place, because you know that you're going to recover. It's like a forgone conclusion to you. I need to have that mindset. Instead of "if" I reboot, it should be "when" I reboot. I gotta start seeing these withdrawals as tools to help me become a better person. They make me tougher as a person, if nothing else.

 

[zander13]

Day 25

My new medication is helping me so much. I didn't realize how depressed and anxious I was until I'm just not now.

 

[K-Dot]

Day 25

My new medication is helping me so much. I didn't realize how depressed and anxious I was until I'm just not now.

I'm thinking about getting therapy also. Sometimes I'm so anxious I hardly can focus on anything else in life

 

[zander13]

Day 25

My new medication is helping me so much. I didn't realize how depressed and anxious I was until I'm just not now.

I'm thinking about getting therapy also. Sometimes I'm so anxious I hardly can focus on anything else in life

I was always an anxious kid, but as I got older, the anxiety started turning into something called rumination and circular thinking. Basically, I obsess over stuff over and over again, and it gets to the point where I'm immobilized by my obsession. If that sounds like you then I would go and see someone.


Day 26

In a flatline. Been here before, right? I can't lose hope. All I need is time. Meditation is my best friend right now. That and my medication. And video games. Because video games help time go by faster.

 

[zander13]

Had this crazy dream where my best friend from when I was little was gay, and he was trying to bang me or something. And before that, I was like on a porn set, watching these people do it, and almost had a wet dream (was somehow able to stop myself). It was vivid as hell, all of it.

Seems as if my psyche is combing through my younger years, when this addiction started. I have a feeling that all of this is interconnected. Like, the deeper I get into my reboot, the further back I go in my past, until I get to where it all began. And, obviously, porn helped me cover up a lot of emotional occurrences, so now that the porn is gone, my brain is now facing those occurrences. So weird how all this works, but it lets me know that I'm doing exactly what I should be doing and that the end is not as far away as I initially imagined 26 days ago.

I am doubling down on my efforts to thwart this thing. It is, obviously, paramount to my growth as a human. I simply cannot wait to reach my goal of 365 days. I can't even imagine what life will be like a year from now. I have so much hope.

 

[mjery]

Hey buddy,

Having read your story, I think you're doin great. We are almost at the same age and I feel you. You said that you almost had a wet dream!!! That's very good news: your buddy is kinda disappointed about receiving external stimuli (i.e. porn), so it has started to figure out a solution to get rid of sperms  ;D ;D. Wet dreams are the intrinsic feature of our body to provide us with fresh and powerful sperms. so, you get it!!!!

Spring is coming.

Wish you luck

 

[zander13]

Hey buddy,

Having read your story, I think you're doin great. We are almost at the same age and I feel you. You said that you almost had a wet dream!!! That's very good news: your buddy is kinda disappointed about receiving external stimuli (i.e. porn), so it has started to figure out a solution to get rid of sperms  ;D ;D. Wet dreams are the intrinsic feature of our body to provide us with fresh and powerful sperms. so, you get it!!!!

Spring is coming.

Wish you luck

Yes, Spring is coming. I love the simplicity of that statement, because it contains so much meaning within so few words. And thank you my friend, good luck to you as well!

 

[zander13]

Day 28

My meds are making this reboot a lot easier, because I'm no longer depressed, and stuff makes me happy. Funny how that works. I think that depression mixed with PMO addiction just totally effed me up, and I'm now on the verge of overcoming both.

I'm approaching a golden age of Alex.

 

[zander13]

Day 30

Had a great dream last night, it was sexual and I was involved. It was vivid as hell. Then I woke up feeling great, only to be disappointed by the afternoon, in which I experienced terrible withdrawals. I figured that I could make them easier by masturbating an hour ago, but that only made me feel worse. I don't understand the science behind masturbating, but I guess I've been open to trying new things to make my withdrawals easier. No matter. Tomorrow is another day, and I still haven't watched any porn.

I'm also ready for winter to be over. The gloomy, dark, gray skies and by depression don't mix very well.

No matter how bad things get, I need to always remember that my goal is to make it to 365 days, and that I don't even know how great life will be once I accomplish it. I've never been there before. I've never gotten over this addiction. Not since it first began, which was a long, long time ago.

 

[zander13]

Also:

My new plan is this:

For the next couple months, until flatline (hopefully) goes away


Meditate in the morning
Workout
Cardio
Eat
Play League of Legends during the afternoon, when my withdrawals are at their worst
Spend time with people
Hopefully begin my class in advertising, finish my portfolio, and get a job.

 

[zander13]

Experiencing a major chaser effect because of the masturbation session. I'm no longer going to masturbate anymore. Came very close to relapsing. My brain is devious when it comes to this shit, I mean, seriously. It's insane how it tricks me. It all started by me thinking that my life is shit because of my cirucumstances, not PMO withdrawals/addiction. Untrue. But I believed it today. I also felt bad because I had such a good dream this morning, followed by such terrible withdrawals. I felt the weight of the coming months on top of me--all the wasted days and painful withdrawals. So I masurbated, lying to myself by saying it would make the flatline easier to endure. And that has since snowballed into worrying about my future, worrying about my careeer, friends, money, etc. Like the world was dropped on top of me like one of those cartoon anvils. Which is all horseshit. As I said earlier, I know of my potential. I know that I have talent and charm and cahrisma. THIS addiction has been the major thing that's wrong, not my work ethic, or my drive, or any of that shit. I'm a good person. Porn is my vice, and it has tricked me into thinking that I'm not. My Mom also had her part to play, during her old bit of saying that my life is shit, even though she and I agreed that it would take some time for me to come out of the flatline.

Regardless, I think I've beaten the chaser, and I've come back to my original plan of weathering this storm before I try and figure out my life. If I take my eye off this addiction for ONE MOMENT, it starts to trick me.

And again, NO MORE MASTURBATION!

The one thing I wish is that I could talk to people about our addiction in person. The internet will never replace one on one conversation. Never.

 

[zander13]

The one thing I wish is that I could talk to people about our addiction in person. The internet will never replace one on one conversation. Never.

Have you thought of confiding a friend that you trust? I have, and it is relieving to say the least... You could also go to a SA meeting. It's a thing I consider at the moment but I fear, I'm the only one with severe PIED and a P addiction there.  ;D

I emailed a therapist. Just for a human outlet to speak with.

 

[zander13]

I've relapsed 6 times in the last two days. I'm officially going to a facility in North Carolina to treat both my depression and my addiction. They don't allow electronics, so I see this as a chance for me to get a fresh start. I won't be posting on here for a while, which is probably good. I'm tired of obsessing over this addiction. I'm tired of this life. I need change. Major change. I just want to be happy.

Goodbye. Not that a stupid forum on the internet gives any shit about other people besides themselves, at the end of the day. These forums are just another way for people to be political, in the sense of attempting to have the most replies, views, and all that stupid shit. No one is here because they truly want to help others. They want to be here to help themselves. Which I guess is fine, but for me, that isn't enough. I need to have real human contact, which is a luxury in this day and age. The internet is a terrible thing. It makes people lonely. Lonelier than ever before. Instead of talking with each other we opt for the pseudo communication of "social media". Yeah, my ass. The internet is a big lie. Social media is a lie. It doesn't help us connect. It helps us isolate. Become even less human than we already are.


I'm no longer going to be a slave to modernity. Technology can go fuck itself. And I say this as I play another LEague of Legends game and watch a DVD on my Smart TV. Ironic isn't it?

 

[zander13]

Day 146

My last post was filled with melancholy. As it should. Life has been difficult for me. I'm on day 146 and the past three days have been terrible. Just goes to show that recovery is non-linear. At this point I no longer wish to see myself as a child of God. I'm just a miasma of tissue and consciousness, doing his best to undo the years of abuse his brain underwent. All I care about is getting through the pain of withdrawal.

By the way, I was diagnosed as Bipolar II and am now on lithium. At least that part of my life seems to be better figured out.

This porn addiction continues to blow my mind when it comes to the amount of suffering I've felt while trying to rid myself of it. The withdrawals have been both brutal and, seemingly, endless.

Good luck to you all, nice to see some newcomers out there who are spreading the right sort of messages.

 

[BlueHeronFan]

Hey, man, good to see you back on the forum, and it's great to see you're still making progress. Congrats on 146 days!

I know what you mean about feeling terrible. In the last few months, I have had the most success I can remember fending off this addiction, but I've also felt about the worst I've ever felt. I would think, if anything, that getting away from porn would automatically make everything better, but sometimes it's not like that I guess.

The bright side for me is that I would normally go deep into porn to deal with stress/sadness like what I've been dealing with, so that fact that I haven't is a huge win.

Keep fighting the good fight! We'll get there someday!

 

[No regrets]

zander13, You have worked so hard. You have given so much. You have made it through countless moments of not feeling good enough. And if there are days where you still feel discouraged, remember: you have come so far, and no matter how your low moments have made you feel, they do not define who you are  ;D ;D

 

[zander13]

Good to see you back, Zander!

You too buddy.

 

[zander13]

Day 147

Shrunken dick and balls.

What's weird about this flatline is its intensity: I honestly thought I was through the worst of it. I really did.

Hopefully it's a small blip and I'll return to normal, because before this strand of bad days I was feeling very much attracted to real women, and was having days in a row of normal, low hanging dick. My little guy actually resembled what a penis should look like, and now he's gotten all shriveled again. Just goes to show you how unpredictable this crap is. All I know is that I need to stay strong. Right now my sneaky fuck of a brain is trying to wear me down. Fuck that noise, I've come too far man.

Hears to not knowing when a flatline will end! If only we could predict this garbage right? But then it wouldn't be any fun, or difficult. And I still believe that the prize at the end of this will be worth it.

Edit:

I sometimes ascribe too much credence to my addiction and not enough to my mental health. I do think that the fact that I started taking lithium less than a week ago has a lot to do with my "flatline", and that I need to remember that my mental illness is much more severe than my porn addiction.

 

[BlueHeronFan]

Day 147

Edit:

I sometimes ascribe too much credence to my addiction and not enough to my mental health. I do think that the fact that I started taking lithium less than a week ago has a lot to do with my "flatline", and that I need to remember that my mental illness is much more severe than my porn addiction.

That's fair. If there's anything I've learned through this process, it's that it's all related. Dealing with addiction is not just about fixing a part of our lives, it's about changing our whole lives. An addiction is just our brain's messed up way of trying to take care of us. Find better ways to take care of yourself, and the addiction won't seem as necessary.

Keep it going!

 

[zander13]

Day 147

Edit:

I sometimes ascribe too much credence to my addiction and not enough to my mental health. I do think that the fact that I started taking lithium less than a week ago has a lot to do with my "flatline", and that I need to remember that my mental illness is much more severe than my porn addiction.

That's fair. If there's anything I've learned through this process, it's that it's all related. Dealing with addiction is not just about fixing a part of our lives, it's about changing our whole lives. An addiction is just our brain's messed up way of trying to take care of us. Find better ways to take care of yourself, and the addiction won't seem as necessary.

Keep it going!

Well said my friend. This addiction of mine was, without question, a tool my brain used to quell the demons that were dancing around in my brain.