This thread, William, is brilliant.
What I did was:
- printed it out in whole,
- reading it page by page,
- now at page 24 out of 39 that my printer accounted for.
What I admire about your approach is your insistence on naming our problem dopamine addiction, not porn addiction.
It rings perfectly with me and on top of that I want to add a few words of my own. Words and thoughts that I reckon were with me for a very long time, but only now, after reading this illuminative stuff, have found a proper way out.
1. Porn substitutes will ruin your reboot. Full stop.
The comments you made on porn substitutes hit the nail on the head. I personally experienced that as dopamine kicking as porn are all kind of activities and material that contain significant amount of sexuality:
- perusing and searching girls profiles on Facebook,
- searching the Internet for images of women (eg. checking out actresses, famous people, wives of famous guys etc.),
- browsing gossip sites,
- plastic surgery sites,
- TV (obviously erotic movies, but not only them - lots of movies contain strong sexual imagery and references)
- reality shows (OK., Masterchef might not be in this group but you know which reality shows I mean - basically, anything on MTV),
- tabloid newspapers, magazines with racy pictures of women (obviously porn magazines, but Playboy is not a safe option either),
- news regarding sexual lives (eg. reports on infidelities),
- staring at women in public places (shopping malls, streets, public transport) a.k.a. objectifying women.
Some will say that I am a total lunatic with such ideas the above lists looks a little crazy - but hey, this what this addiction can lead to.
The list is of course made on my subjective experience. All these activities spiked my dopamine levels and put me in the hunting and craving mode.
It is a very particular feeling - you think you are not relapsing, but you notice something is drawing your attention and using your time. If you observed yourself for longer while, you would probably notice that you are doing those activities compulsively.
2. Porn substitutes must be treated as porn. Not for a limited amount of time, but forever.
I will explain why I think that is not enough to ditch porn substitutes for just 90 days.
The word that is often used with regard to above activities is "triggers".
I don't think that "trigger" is a good word. But I admit I myself used that word for many years. I started rebooting 4,5 years ago, so I have something like 54 months under my belt. I went without looking at porn for years, but read why it all did not prove so brilliant, why I did relapse and why I am back here, fighting alongside you guys.
Back when I started out I relied heavily on "Don't call it love" by Patrick Carnes, I guess the classic book on sex addictions. One of the recommended actions back then was to make a "map of behaviours" where there was a green area (good behaviours), yellow area (triggering, unsafe behaviours) and red area (relapse behaviours - center of the addiction). All of the above-listed activities were recognizing by me as unsafe and went into yellow. So I always was aware that I should not engage in those activities. My no porn streak was 2 years or longer, so it seemed pretty much great - I was relapse free for a very long time.
But then, some cracks started appearing, some jinks in the armour. I did not know what was going, but I felt I did not feel the effects of the reboot anymore. I became critical of life, of my woman. I felt less satisfied with life. Then, I noticed, started relapses with porn. No binging, no 3 week-streaks. Just every now and then. I thought that maybe it was due to extraordinary stress and that I simply must focus on the reboot armour.
In truth, at a certain point time, I think 8-10 months after starting the reboot, I started engaging in porn substitutes. Unseemingly, uncosciously. Normal stuff. What is wrong with browsing the Internet and finding out how one's wife looks like?
Well it is, if you're a dopamine addict, like myself.
I have been observing my behaviour for a very long time and I knew for a long time now that something was wrong. I knew, in principle, that I should be engaging the above-mentioned activities. I read about guys undertaking "no pixels" reboot.
I thought for a long time about a no-pixel reboot. I knew I needed it, but I hesitate and rationalized. Because I'm an addict.
And it NEVER crossed my mind that I was doing was pure sabotage - it is actually dopamine-kicking and binging my system.
Here is where your remarks, William, were just pure illumination. The coincidence amazes me, because I found out the thread 3 days after deciding to go on a non-pixel reboot. I felt almost like finding the one puzzle that went missing under the carpet. Thanks for giving me this feeling.
So these activities, if you use them as I did, cannot be really called mere "triggers". They are the ACTUAL ADDICTION.
And honestly, I think that for us, addicts, it is never safe to go back to those activities.
3. Porn substitutes are more dangerous than porn.
Because they are so not obvious. And seem so benign. Harmless. C'mon, having a look at some gossip "never killed nobody", did it?
And you will find less and less understanding. I guess people can understand not watching porn, but they might look strange at you if you tell them that you will not access the link that they just sent you, because you do not read gossip sites. Try to find out.
4. Withdrawals are hell. Staying free of addiction long-term is a challenge as well.
Withdrawal (4,5 years ago) was hell for me.
I had panic attacks. I couldn't sleep. I had problems eating. I ached. I was lone with all that.
I want everyone who has these kind of withdrawal symptoms to know that I know what you guys feel.
I would also say that the memories of the withdrawal are the single reason I stayed away from porn for such a long time and why my relapses never extended to 2-week porn binges. Those memories give me shivers.
Yet it is a time of total war. This is what is captivating about it - you are like a soldier on the front. There is a purpose, there is a need. You feel pain but you march on.
This feeling wanes with time after you free yourself and get past the biggest obstacles. It is then, I believe, where the knowledge of how the addiction works is important. It is also then where the knowledge about porn substitutes becomes handy. Because it rarely happens that after 10 months of being totally clean you decide one day - "screw it, let's watch porn".
It is a gradual process where you are engaging in more and more dopamine-enticing activities.
Be aware of that and watch out. I'm telling this to myself in the first place.
I love my renewed no-pixel reboot effort. I feel a bit like finding the Holy Grail. I do not expect heavy withdrawals (will keep you posted if anything like this happens), but I expect setting on a route of really dealing with my dopamine addiction and freeing myself for life. And really and fully loving and rewiring to my wife, just as she deserves.
Keep your fingers crossed for me, guys.