Orbiters Journal of Recovery

[Orbiter]

Thanks for the support guys, it really helps at times like this. Looking back on it, this particular relapse could have been averted. I let my guard down at the wrong time, I still have a lot of work to do.

DAY 1

I made a special effort to get out of the house today and keep myself busy. A bit too much time on the computer but at least it was with productive things and not aimlessly browsing the internet, or Youtube, or PMO etc. Back to the 2 hour limit tomorrow.

Though this is obviously quite disappointing to me that the weekend ended up like this, I am taking some comfort in the fact that I have done much better at getting back on the wagon than I did say, a couple of weeks ago when I relapsed for days in a row after a similar stint. A big problem I feel is that I am still too reliant on the internet as a sole source of entertainment. There are many other things I can and should do with my time. I want to feel more involved in my own life, rather than sitting and blankly ignoring it in front of the computer (or PMO-ing) while it all passes by.

 

[anhaedra]

Lol, that was funny, KittyHawk.

Yes, we can't reward ourselves for doing good because we'll choose the bad rewards. We need to be patient and let life reward us.

This is a recurring element in everyone's journal. Short-term vs. long-term. It intrigues me. I believe living in the moment is the epitome of happiness. Yet if we truly do we'll masturbate our asses off, probably.

We must remove the artificial urges in our lives until only the natural, primordial needs remain. This also means freeing ourselves from society's demands. Then we can live in the moment.

Got that y'all? 

 

[a_better_tomorrow]

Orbiter:

The computer is a dangerous place for me too.  I've been thinking about it like you have.  You've laid out some pretty good rules for yourself and I especially like the one with no computer in the bedroom.

I am also installing a porn blocker today.  If my will power fails, there will be one more line of defense.  I'm fortunate enough to be flatlining and I have not been so easily tempted.  I know this wont last, and I need to be ready when those "shields" drop.

I'm also thinking about a good computer rule.  We all need to use computers, it's 2017.  I can't banish the computer.  I will force myself to state my reason to use it.  Sometimes I play strategy games and other times I'm on there looking for other jobs.  I need to answer the question: "what is the purpose of this visit?" before sitting down.  Then I am not allowed to deviate from my purpose.  If I do deviate, I will at least have a way of catching myself drifting away.

Thanks for posting your struggle.  I'm new and I'm learning a little more with each passing day.  Let's beat this!

 

[Orbiter]

Yes, we can't reward ourselves for doing good because we'll choose the bad rewards. We need to be patient and let life reward us.

This line really stuck with me as it presents presents a dilemma you do not often hear discussed.Does life really reward us if we're patient, or is life's reward something we have to seek out ourselves? And if we as addicts cannot be trusted with good rewards, how are we to find any reward in life or this process? Perhaps freeing ourselves from this creates an openness to the opportunities life throws at us that as addicts we're blind of? Or are we simply better able to choose them? Something to think about.

Also the short term vs long term nature of recovery. Do we have a long term vision of what comes after, or what we're supposed to be aiming toward with this process. When it is time to think about that and when is it time to knuckle down and do what it takes to get through the day.

DAY 2

I've been feeling unusually tired for some reason all day. Once I got home, I lay down and feel asleep for two hours shortly after. I feel like I can barely keep my eyes open as I post this right now. I think an early nights sleep is in order. Though I feel drained, I also feel strangely calmer than usual. I'm not entirely sure why. I don't have much to add other than i'm getting myself back on track and doing what I can to stay alert and on top of this.

I'm also thinking about a good computer rule.  We all need to use computers, it's 2017.  I can't banish the computer.  I will force myself to state my reason to use it.  Sometimes I play strategy games and other times I'm on there looking for other jobs.  I need to answer the question: "what is the purpose of this visit?" before sitting down.  Then I am not allowed to deviate from my purpose.  If I do deviate, I will at least have a way of catching myself drifting away.

Agree with all of this. And though in all honesty i'm not sure i'd personally have the self discipline to stick to something like this, I think there is certainly something in paying closer to attention to what reasons exactly we go on the computer and where and when we deviate from that point. It's not often you hear, when someone relapses, what they were doing on the computer in the first place. I will try and incorporate it into my own journaling.

 

[anhaedra]

I like to believe that if we act on our intuition, life will reward us. But that's damn hard. Because our intuition often isn't as strongly developed as our reason. Our reason, which is so vulnerable to outside influences. Society. And our intuition is numbed by society's artificial rewards. Porn, for instance.

It isn't natural to worry about the long term. But by making bad decisions in the short run, we've ruined our long term. So we must think long-term long enough, i.e., reboot, until we can think short-term again. How's that?

 

[Orbiter]

I like to believe that if we act on our intuition, life will reward us. But that's damn hard. Because our intuition often isn't as strongly developed as our reason. Our reason, which is so vulnerable to outside influences. Society. And our intuition is numbed by society's artificial rewards. Porn, for instance.

It isn't natural to worry about the long term. But by making bad decisions in the short run, we've ruined our long term. So we must think long-term long enough, i.e., reboot, until we can think short-term again. How's that?

Fair enough!

DAY 3

Tired. So tired. I seem to have no energy at all this week, don't really feel like doing much other than sleeping when i'm not at work. I've also been having lots of intrusive porn-related thoughts and urges. I was woken up by them this morning, it took me some time before I fully woke up and realized I was dwelling on these thoughts, and then I promptly shut them down. Urges to look up borderline material is also strong.

I think i'll have another quiet night tonight. Hopefully this lethargy is just a stage that will eventually pass.

 

[Orbiter]

Relapsed again. Feeling really disappointed at the moment.

I need to seriously think about what i'm doing wrong here.

 

[Orbiter]

DAY 0

Relapsed twice yesterday and once today after a seriously messed up edging session that went forever. I completely fell off the wagon this week. I think I am in a serious rut at the moment both mentally and in my life. One of the main thoughts as I fall into these sessions is "Why am I bothering staying clean anyway? What does it matter?", I don't really have any strong vision of what I would imagine or desire a 'clean' life to be. Without it, there doesn't feel like much to hang on to when the temptations hit hard.

My work is going to be closed next week, I have booked myself a small holiday along the bay which I will leave for once the weekend is over. I do not intend to bring a computer with me. I think a relaxed change of scenery, far removed from many of the stresses and familiar PMO triggers will do me some good. It should also hopefully give me some time to seriously think about what exactly i'm going to do about this problem of mine.

 

[anhaedra]

I'm sorry to hear that.

I just hope that your relapses and edging binges will only fuel your motivation, so you'll be stronger from now on. Better equipped to succeed.

"What does it matter?" It matters because you gotta get out of that rut, of course! It's the perfect motivation. But to get out you may have to improve more aspects of your life.

 

[Orbiter]

I'm sorry to hear that.

I just hope that your relapses and edging binges will only fuel your motivation, so you'll be stronger from now on. Better equipped to succeed.

"What does it matter?" It matters because you gotta get out of that rut, of course! It's the perfect motivation. But to get out you may have to improve more aspects of your life.

Spot on Anhaedra! I think that really gets to the crux of this. Though I am hesitant to write too much about my life as I don't particularly want my recovery journal to become a diary or whatever, I think there are aspects of my life that have come to a standstill, and I need to seriously think about improving if I am make a decent go of rebooting. I leave on holiday tomorrow so there won't be much journaling from me, but it should be a good time to reflect, free of some of the usual triggers of my day to day life. Also...

DAY 2

Still clean.

 

[Orbiter]

DAY 1

It's been a long, dark few months. Trying to get back on track with this.

 

[Orbiter]

If I can just make it through tonight, then I will be one day clean.

I feel over this year, I have experienced a parting-of-ways with a lot of my closest friends and people close to me. It is no surprise at the age that I am at that friends tend to split and be moved by life in seperate ways, somehow I thought I was surrounded by people who would ensure I would never lose too many.

I can't recall a time in years i've felt this isolated. I am struggling to find connections to make and form some sort of semi-regular social network out of friends and familiars but it is proving difficult. Many people I know have moved overseas or interstate, many people are married, many people have children, many people are expecting any or all of the above within the next two years.

Irrational as it is, it is difficult not to feel somewhat left behind. I know these feelings of isolation are common to men in my position of life at this age. It does make quitting much more difficult that it did when I first attempted this back in 2012. In the isolation, it's easy to forget why I decided to reboot in the first place. After all this time trying again and again, connecting with life seems harder than ever.

 

[RealityCheck]

Orbiter,

I understand your pain.  Let's take this one at a time.

First of all, regardless of what's going on in your social life, you recognize that it's better for you all around to get away from PMO.  From reviewing your triggers, I think there's a relatively easy solution to start with: no laptop or tablet in your bedroom ever.  There shouldn't be a strong emotional tie in walking your laptop into your room.  The emotional urge comes when you have the internet at your fingertips and your sex drive is hungry.

Another relatively easy simple strategy is not to touch your belt.  It sounds dumb, but you can't masturbate if you keep your belt on.  Just don't touch it.  When you find yourself starting to undo it, catch yourself, and keep your hands off of it.  Again, there shouldn't be a strong emotional tie to grabbing your belt.

Finally, from a mental perspective, just get through one day.  Then, when you feel an urge the next day, think about all the work you put in the day before.  You don't want to do that again!  Focus on not wasting the previous day's efforts.  Then, the next day, this motivation will be even stronger, because you will have put in two days of hard work.  I'm on Day 41 right now, in large part because of this strategy.  Do you think there's any chance I'll relapse today and erase the past 40 days?! Of course not.  Use this snowball effect to your advantage. 

 

[Orbiter]

Hey thanks for dropping by Realitycheck. Truth be told, this is all good advice. I can't think of a relapse in recent times that wasn't in the bedroom. I've known it all this time but for some reason I seem unwilling to adhere to the rules I set out for myself, even know I know they will work. I clearly do have some emotional attachment to using my laptop in my room. It isn't something that is necessary by any means and I need to seriously work on some alternative habits.

Finally, from a mental perspective, just get through one day.  Then, when you feel an urge the next day, think about all the work you put in the day before.  You don't want to do that again!  Focus on not wasting the previous day's efforts.  Then, the next day, this motivation will be even stronger, because you will have put in two days of hard work.

This is really good advice. For some reason i've never really thought of it this way. There's so much effort that goes in only to pull things together enough post-relapse to function. If nothing else, it would be such a welcome break from having to do that. My urge control is unfortunately zero, and I think I will need to do some soul-searching if I am going to free myself of this.

When I was on the YBR forums, one of the RecoveryNation.com was making a list of values on how I would like my life to be. Despite my continuing struggles, life has come a long way from that. Maybe it's time those values are reassessed.

 

[anhaedra]

Orbiter, so good to hear from you! Finally, a word from someone who started here the same time as I did.

And I'm so feeling you, as far as your post about "isolation" goes... I'm in the exact same position. All my friends are getting kids and are leading lives that are just so different from mine, to a point where I'm starting to look down on them for being so predictable and "married with children" kind-of-boring, you know?

I am currently learning to cherish my loneliness, turn it into a virtue, a strength, a liberty, a "being alone and self-sufficient" instead of a lonely state of being.

These people, they don't know what we're going through, or what's driving us. They would never choose this path. I've been in a long relationship, and trust me, lots of those guys are struggling with porn, and unsatisfying sex lives, and just plain boring lives, too. You gotta get rid of society's demands, like, everyone acting as if being with someone is better than being alone... that's just bullshit. Life always has its ups & downs, no matter who you're with.

This is definitely something you and I both will get out of stronger men than before, trust me on this. If you conquer loneliness... who can fucking touch you anymore? It's only natural for people to spend time alone every now and then, don't let society, or worse social media, screw with that inborn need we all have to be left alone sometimes. There's power in being alone.

So yeah... how's the reboot going? I still keep a journal here, although it's rarely updated these days.

 

[Orbiter]

Orbiter, so good to hear from you! Finally, a word from someone who started here the same time as I did.

And I'm so feeling you, as far as your post about "isolation" goes... I'm in the exact same position. All my friends are getting kids and are leading lives that are just so different from mine, to a point where I'm starting to look down on them for being so predictable and "married with children" kind-of-boring, you know?

I am currently learning to cherish my loneliness, turn it into a virtue, a strength, a liberty, a "being alone and self-sufficient" instead of a lonely state of being.

These people, they don't know what we're going through, or what's driving us. They would never choose this path. I've been in a long relationship, and trust me, lots of those guys are struggling with porn, and unsatisfying sex lives, and just plain boring lives, too. You gotta get rid of society's demands, like, everyone acting as if being with someone is better than being alone... that's just bullshit. Life always has its ups & downs, no matter who you're with.

This is definitely something you and I both will get out of stronger men than before, trust me on this. If you conquer loneliness... who can fucking touch you anymore? It's only natural for people to spend time alone every now and then, don't let society, or worse social media, screw with that inborn need we all have to be left alone sometimes. There's power in being alone.

So yeah... how's the reboot going? I still keep a journal here, although it's rarely updated these days.

Hey Anhaedra, good to hear from you too! I've lurked occasionally over the last few months and checked in yours & others journals but haven't posted as i've been too busy...well, relapsing and struggling through the previous few months. Honestly I basically gave up. I believe exhaustion from reboot attempts (my first attempt was in April 2012!), not properly dealing with stressful issues in life (work and some difficult friends specifically) not properly understanding or dealing with the emotional effect of some of the changes in life we have been talking about as well as simply not committing adequately to the process has meant i've had little good to report.

It feels good to be back and getting clean again though. I'm glad to see the progress you've been making through the months and that you never gave up on fighting the good fight!

I can feel you can relate to much of what i'm saying. I don't hold it against the people I know for choosing the path that they have, but I know in my heart the road less travelled is for me. I have many personal ambitions that would not co-exist well with having a family and the family is (at least for now) not a role I could see myself in. I believe there are millions of paths & possibilities in life an individual can take, and the family is one of them.

Of course I do not look down on anyone and would never let myself look down on another person for taking a different path in life from my own. It however has hit home this year how lonely a path ours can be at our age.

I agree with you on all those points. Many people with wives and kids can and do have lonely, frustrating & isolated lives and also struggle with the same issues with porn as we do. I personally have little interest in societies demands, and quit all social media long ago as I believe it to be an insidious, emotionally manipulative platform of 'communication'. What I am trying to figure out is how I can break out of this cycle of addiction and make meaningful connections with others and the world around (I believe this is a very important part of breaking the cycle) at our period on life in a way that works with my life and values.

In the meantime, I have been focusing on the smaller picture and have worked on getting some better habits in life. I have started exercising again, I am following my rules re using computers, I am eating better and am in the process of thinking of habits and ambitions that will shift my life and frame of mind away from being a slave to porn addiction. It honestly just feels really good being 4 days clean and away from porn I gotta say.

EDIT: P.S. DAY 4!

 

[Orbiter]

DAY 6

Things are good but I can also feel things getting tougher. I have to be careful over the next few days as to how I spend my time and manage my thoughts. I have had no strong urges, libido is low and I have had very few intrusive thoughts. I am however feeling an anxious stirring in my chest similar to the feeling of quitting cigarettes (a much easier task). I will keep my computer use to a minimum over the next 2 or 3 days. Reading, creative tasks, excercise & getting out of the house, even if it's a solitary outing, should hopefully keep me in a balanced frame of mind and out of temptation.

On a more positive note, I am enjoying the feeling of being 6 days clean. My mind feels like a better place to be in. Work has been easier despite a stressful week and I feel more comfortable in my own skin and around others. I remember when I was quitting cigarettes, a strong motivator was how much better it felt to be not smoking (withdrawals & cravings aside). My motivators feel similar in this case.

One day at a time. Moving forward.

 

[RealityCheck]

Fantastic post, Orbiter!  You can now use the positive feelings are you experiencing as a result of fighting your urges as more motivation to continue.  I believe that key to quitting our habit/addiction is to build MORE and MORE incentive as time goes on.  It should be getting easier and easier for us, not harder and harder.  That way, we can know that over time, the hardest part is behind us.

With that being said, it's not realistic to think that EVERY day will be better than the last.  I'm certain there may be some days in the future that urges will be particularly strong.  But over time, they should dissipate.  Keep it going!

 

[anhaedra]

Agree with you. There are many "legit" paths to take in life, but for many including myself it takes half a lifetime to figure it out which is a waste... but better late than never.

I understand you're in a totally different position as far as your reboot is concerned. But please, if you get to the point of flatline, do everything you can to "re-wire." My current impression is that I'll be flatlined, or "de-wired," forever, if I don't reconnect with someone or something. Basically, by rebooting for months, most of the time on hard mode, I've pulled the plug from my sexual brain. So all porn urges are gone. But at some point, you need to plug it back in!

In the absence of any dating or the like, I'm using my meditation sessions to visualize romantic or sexual encounters, free of any porn elements, mind you. I think it's working. The idea of meeting women is starting to feel less alien to me. For a while, I was almost starting to think I was gay or bisexual. But it was probably an effect of being de-wired... Without a sexual brain, men and women appear the same. So relatively speaking, men appear more attractive to you than before. Which fucking scared the shit out of me.

Should probably be writing this in my own journal.. So yeah, keep it up, and you'll be surprised how easy it'll get. Instead of fighting the urges, you'll almost want the urges to come back. That's my battle right now.

 

[phoenix0015]

Hello Orbiter,

I can relate with your struggle as I am going to through similar situation.

But only not PMOing will motel work as we need to understand ABSTINENCE IS NOT RECOVERY.

So we can have 300 PMO free days and still not recover unless we change the way we think and live.

There is an excellent post on YBR about this, please read it. Here is the link.

http://www.yourbrainrebalanced.com/forum/threads/my-thoughts-on-rebooting-extremely-long-post.15558/#post-272668

So many a times, PMO is only part of a problem or even just a symptom.

So make this journey about making yourself and your life better rather than just having PMO free days.

Exercise and meditation helps a lot so try to include them as much possible in your daily routine.
I am trying to do the same.

And wish you and all the friends here all the best.

I also use with persistence and each others help, we will be able to get rid of this bad habit and make our lives better.

Smiles,

Phoenix