All good thoughts above, Orbiter!
Hope you're feeling better!
Hope you're feeling better!
Orbiters Journal of Recovery
- Thread starter Orbiter
- Start date
Thanks Escape & Phineas!
So today is day 6 and i'm overall feeling good so far. I haven't experienced any significant chaser effect or urges. I can't say one hundred percent, but I would like to think it has something to do with the necessary changes in perspective I am addressing at the moment. I also feel like some of the reflections i've had in counseling as well as the wealth of wisdom & advice from this community so far also seem to be making a positive difference on the conversations I am having in myself as well as the outlook of life. Work, sickness & circumstances have challenged me this week but I have gotten through almost all of it without temptation to PMO. It's early days but I feel like there's something about my internal script this week that has changed it.
One thing I am unhappy with this week however is my idleness. Due to being sick I needed to rest so i'm not going to beat myself up about it but I would like next week to be more productive, returning to some of those positive habits I have been addressing the previous couple of weeks. I may also need to be more vigilant next week as I will be back to work so therefore more tired & perhaps stressed than this week. Whatever challenges may come, I will remember that, like the cigarettes, PMO is no longer an option to me and I will manage them or any urges that come up one way or another without it.
Wishing you all well in your journey today.
So today is day 6 and i'm overall feeling good so far. I haven't experienced any significant chaser effect or urges. I can't say one hundred percent, but I would like to think it has something to do with the necessary changes in perspective I am addressing at the moment. I also feel like some of the reflections i've had in counseling as well as the wealth of wisdom & advice from this community so far also seem to be making a positive difference on the conversations I am having in myself as well as the outlook of life. Work, sickness & circumstances have challenged me this week but I have gotten through almost all of it without temptation to PMO. It's early days but I feel like there's something about my internal script this week that has changed it.
One thing I am unhappy with this week however is my idleness. Due to being sick I needed to rest so i'm not going to beat myself up about it but I would like next week to be more productive, returning to some of those positive habits I have been addressing the previous couple of weeks. I may also need to be more vigilant next week as I will be back to work so therefore more tired & perhaps stressed than this week. Whatever challenges may come, I will remember that, like the cigarettes, PMO is no longer an option to me and I will manage them or any urges that come up one way or another without it.
Wishing you all well in your journey today.
Day 10 today.
I have been meaning to check in for a few days but my attention has been focused on work and some creative projects. While this is perhaps not great for my accountability, it was ultimately helpful to take a break from focusing so intensely on rebooting for a few days and address some other areas in life.
In terms of withdrawals, my mood & energy have felt a bit low which is fine because I had anticipated this would be the case for a couple of weeks at this stage. I have had a couple of somewhat disturbing PMO dreams but I had anticipated them too and haven't felt the need to give them any further thought until now. I am feeling a low level amount of stress due to some difficult upcoming issues with work but they should be resolved one way or another by the end of the day tomorrow so that should be fine. Although the work situation is annoying, this is a good training opportunity to be pro-active and either deal with the problem, find acceptance if I cannot solve it and, most importantly, not try to bury the feeling by PMOing as it's simply not an option anymore.
I haven't been actively working on good habits as much as I had planned to but saying that, I have actually been socialising, working on music & creative projects, exercising and generally doing good things. Perhaps not quite as much as when I was on my 7 day plan (which I still intend give another go) but what I have been doing lately has been effortless & enjoyable. I have been slipping into using the computer more than I would like but I have been trying to get into the habit of using it for more productive pursuits such and music, budgeting & organizing, stuff like that.
Overall, apart from some annoying matters (which is after all a part of life) things are okay. I am enjoying being PMO free and, whenever urges enter my head, I consider the urge, remind myself that i've already made the choice to leave it in the past and every day clean I feel better without it. Urges feel super weak to me at the moment though i'm not sure if it's because they are or this is a benefit of re-framing my attitude towards withdrawals & rebooting. Either way, i'm feeling good at a point in time where I in the past would not.
Another reflection I have been having on my reboot is a change in intention. Previously up to this point my mindset was:
Need to cure ED > Quit PMO, MO & artificial stimulus to heal > Rewire > Victory???
I realise the problems with this are:
* It implies I am only quitting PMO to recover from ED with no real plan of what happens after
* Because I don't know how long it will take, there's obsession over how many days is enough and the focus
becomes about white-knuckling the reboot until I am 'cured' which will lead to premature fatigue & relapse
* Because it's tough to gauge progress, there's temptation to test, fantasize & peek which leads to relapse
* If it has been X number of days and I still have ED issues, I will be tempted to give up and relapse
* Testing might lead to fantasies about testing with sex workers which will lead to looking at ads which will lead to
relapse
* If I am 'cured' I may be tempted to PMO in moderation which will lead to relapse
* If I don't find a partner, I can't rewire so I can't reboot so I might as well relapse
* Because I am treating urges & cues as triggers which set my ED recovery back, I am avoiding them rather than
facing them and dealing with them. This makes them overwhelmingly strong until I run out of willpower and relapse
And probably plenty of others I am not remembering off the top of my head.
So the way I am re-framing this is, generally speaking as follows:
COMMIT TO QUITTING P & PMO FOREVER > Face the withdrawals/effects of this decision > ENJOY AN INCREASINGLY BETTER LIFE AS A DIRECT RESULT (which will include an inevitable recovery from PIED at some point along the way)
Focusing on ED progress is kind of like a smoker quitting cigarettes and saying "It's day 32, why aren't my lungs healed yet? I have some sense of smell back but not as much as other quitters. This is pointless and it's making me miserable but i'm trying hard not to relapse oh wait whoops I did hmm sure didn't see that coming etc." which is totally the wrong way around.
When you quit smoking, you quit. There's no trying to quit, no counting days beyond maybe the first week or two of withdrawals, there's no 'testing' or anything. You realise there is no real benefit to them, they only harm you and over time and so you make a commitment to stopping and then you stop. Some time shortly after, the benefits of quitting gradually become more apparent. Once you truly see there's no benefit and no reason to return, the appeal is gone and in theory so is much of the power that cues & urges have.
This is probably becoming a bit repetitive to those reading this but I feel this re-framing of things has been beneficial to me so far.
Wishing you all well in your recovery today.
I have been meaning to check in for a few days but my attention has been focused on work and some creative projects. While this is perhaps not great for my accountability, it was ultimately helpful to take a break from focusing so intensely on rebooting for a few days and address some other areas in life.
In terms of withdrawals, my mood & energy have felt a bit low which is fine because I had anticipated this would be the case for a couple of weeks at this stage. I have had a couple of somewhat disturbing PMO dreams but I had anticipated them too and haven't felt the need to give them any further thought until now. I am feeling a low level amount of stress due to some difficult upcoming issues with work but they should be resolved one way or another by the end of the day tomorrow so that should be fine. Although the work situation is annoying, this is a good training opportunity to be pro-active and either deal with the problem, find acceptance if I cannot solve it and, most importantly, not try to bury the feeling by PMOing as it's simply not an option anymore.
I haven't been actively working on good habits as much as I had planned to but saying that, I have actually been socialising, working on music & creative projects, exercising and generally doing good things. Perhaps not quite as much as when I was on my 7 day plan (which I still intend give another go) but what I have been doing lately has been effortless & enjoyable. I have been slipping into using the computer more than I would like but I have been trying to get into the habit of using it for more productive pursuits such and music, budgeting & organizing, stuff like that.
Overall, apart from some annoying matters (which is after all a part of life) things are okay. I am enjoying being PMO free and, whenever urges enter my head, I consider the urge, remind myself that i've already made the choice to leave it in the past and every day clean I feel better without it. Urges feel super weak to me at the moment though i'm not sure if it's because they are or this is a benefit of re-framing my attitude towards withdrawals & rebooting. Either way, i'm feeling good at a point in time where I in the past would not.
Another reflection I have been having on my reboot is a change in intention. Previously up to this point my mindset was:
Need to cure ED > Quit PMO, MO & artificial stimulus to heal > Rewire > Victory???
I realise the problems with this are:
* It implies I am only quitting PMO to recover from ED with no real plan of what happens after
* Because I don't know how long it will take, there's obsession over how many days is enough and the focus
becomes about white-knuckling the reboot until I am 'cured' which will lead to premature fatigue & relapse
* Because it's tough to gauge progress, there's temptation to test, fantasize & peek which leads to relapse
* If it has been X number of days and I still have ED issues, I will be tempted to give up and relapse
* Testing might lead to fantasies about testing with sex workers which will lead to looking at ads which will lead to
relapse
* If I am 'cured' I may be tempted to PMO in moderation which will lead to relapse
* If I don't find a partner, I can't rewire so I can't reboot so I might as well relapse
* Because I am treating urges & cues as triggers which set my ED recovery back, I am avoiding them rather than
facing them and dealing with them. This makes them overwhelmingly strong until I run out of willpower and relapse
And probably plenty of others I am not remembering off the top of my head.
So the way I am re-framing this is, generally speaking as follows:
COMMIT TO QUITTING P & PMO FOREVER > Face the withdrawals/effects of this decision > ENJOY AN INCREASINGLY BETTER LIFE AS A DIRECT RESULT (which will include an inevitable recovery from PIED at some point along the way)
Focusing on ED progress is kind of like a smoker quitting cigarettes and saying "It's day 32, why aren't my lungs healed yet? I have some sense of smell back but not as much as other quitters. This is pointless and it's making me miserable but i'm trying hard not to relapse oh wait whoops I did hmm sure didn't see that coming etc." which is totally the wrong way around.
When you quit smoking, you quit. There's no trying to quit, no counting days beyond maybe the first week or two of withdrawals, there's no 'testing' or anything. You realise there is no real benefit to them, they only harm you and over time and so you make a commitment to stopping and then you stop. Some time shortly after, the benefits of quitting gradually become more apparent. Once you truly see there's no benefit and no reason to return, the appeal is gone and in theory so is much of the power that cues & urges have.
This is probably becoming a bit repetitive to those reading this but I feel this re-framing of things has been beneficial to me so far.
Wishing you all well in your recovery today.
Nothing seems repetitive to me!
You?re going in a positive direction with good momentum!
Keep up the good work!
You?re going in a positive direction with good momentum!
Keep up the good work!
Day 14 today.
Two weeks PMO/P free & counting and feeling pretty good about that! For accountabilities sake I did MO again three days ago. I've been on a 'low-level chaser alert' and while i'm not sure what effect if any it had if any on my mood, energy or progress, I have not experienced any difficult urges and I feel fine enough.
I do need to make sure i'm mindful though of the MO's, potential chaser urges or P thoughts, pathways to relapse etc that can come from this but so far I feel it's been okay. After all P is not an option to me anymore so whatever I do, I will do without it.
My mood has been a bit low over the last few days. I feel a familiar sense of emptiness inside that comes with quitting an addiction. Like a yearning for 'something' to fill the emptiness quitting for good has opened. Motivation to do things is also feeling low and it has been a bit of a struggle willing myself into things like sorting out the washing or the shopping. Along with this I am experiencing some considerable brain-fog and focusing on anything for a period of time feels quite difficult.
I have to remember these feelings are a regular & natural part of withdrawal, they will pass and that at this point in the days I would expect to feel this way anyway.
On the other hand, nameless yearnings aside, I have not had any real P urges which has been great. I don't feel the tension in my chest, the stress or the over-excitement that can come with urges at this point. Anytime the rare image or memory of a P thought enters my head, I also remember how bored & tired I was/am of it and how good it feels to escape that terrible cycle of addiction. Not only do I never want to go back but when I think about never going back, I feel GOOD about it. Instead there's a genuine excitement about what the future holds.
Years ago, around 2007-2008, I went through a challenging but very rewarding point in my life. I was studying, making & playing music, had a GF who I was crazy for, had beaten DE which had been a problem up until then, was making friends, going to parties etc. There were bad parts too but all of these things were happening and overall, I felt like I was moving towards the life that I wanted. Coincidentally, I semi-intentionally did not PMO for most of this time and things also coincidentally started going wrong when I started again. My GF did not approve of P and I was in hindsight not respectful of her feelings on the matter. Around this period of time I also experienced the beginnings of ED & performance anxiety as a result.
The other period I can pin-point was 2012-2013 which was (though GF-less) very similar. Back then I had just discovered rebooting and was determined to make a positive impact on my life. At the beginning there were several streaks of 30-40 days and one or two beyond and I did a lot of good things in life & music at that time. When life started to go wrong though, I slowly ran out of faith & willpower and, while never giving up on quitting, I was in all honesty stuck in bad habits of old and failed to adapt to some of the challenges I was facing.
One of the negative thought distortions I sometimes experience beyond the first 7 or so days of recovery, is that because I have to invest so much energy into 'staying clean' I don't have the energy to live or work on anything other than recovery until I am 'rebooted'. When this thought comes up, I need to remember some of the best experiences & achievements in my adult life happened when (and at least partly because) I was not PMO-ing.
Life's too short to waste on an addiction like this so i'll just keep moving towards freedom and make sure to enjoy the rewards & victories that come my way.
Wishing you all well in your recovery today!
Two weeks PMO/P free & counting and feeling pretty good about that! For accountabilities sake I did MO again three days ago. I've been on a 'low-level chaser alert' and while i'm not sure what effect if any it had if any on my mood, energy or progress, I have not experienced any difficult urges and I feel fine enough.
I do need to make sure i'm mindful though of the MO's, potential chaser urges or P thoughts, pathways to relapse etc that can come from this but so far I feel it's been okay. After all P is not an option to me anymore so whatever I do, I will do without it.
My mood has been a bit low over the last few days. I feel a familiar sense of emptiness inside that comes with quitting an addiction. Like a yearning for 'something' to fill the emptiness quitting for good has opened. Motivation to do things is also feeling low and it has been a bit of a struggle willing myself into things like sorting out the washing or the shopping. Along with this I am experiencing some considerable brain-fog and focusing on anything for a period of time feels quite difficult.
I have to remember these feelings are a regular & natural part of withdrawal, they will pass and that at this point in the days I would expect to feel this way anyway.
On the other hand, nameless yearnings aside, I have not had any real P urges which has been great. I don't feel the tension in my chest, the stress or the over-excitement that can come with urges at this point. Anytime the rare image or memory of a P thought enters my head, I also remember how bored & tired I was/am of it and how good it feels to escape that terrible cycle of addiction. Not only do I never want to go back but when I think about never going back, I feel GOOD about it. Instead there's a genuine excitement about what the future holds.
Years ago, around 2007-2008, I went through a challenging but very rewarding point in my life. I was studying, making & playing music, had a GF who I was crazy for, had beaten DE which had been a problem up until then, was making friends, going to parties etc. There were bad parts too but all of these things were happening and overall, I felt like I was moving towards the life that I wanted. Coincidentally, I semi-intentionally did not PMO for most of this time and things also coincidentally started going wrong when I started again. My GF did not approve of P and I was in hindsight not respectful of her feelings on the matter. Around this period of time I also experienced the beginnings of ED & performance anxiety as a result.
The other period I can pin-point was 2012-2013 which was (though GF-less) very similar. Back then I had just discovered rebooting and was determined to make a positive impact on my life. At the beginning there were several streaks of 30-40 days and one or two beyond and I did a lot of good things in life & music at that time. When life started to go wrong though, I slowly ran out of faith & willpower and, while never giving up on quitting, I was in all honesty stuck in bad habits of old and failed to adapt to some of the challenges I was facing.
One of the negative thought distortions I sometimes experience beyond the first 7 or so days of recovery, is that because I have to invest so much energy into 'staying clean' I don't have the energy to live or work on anything other than recovery until I am 'rebooted'. When this thought comes up, I need to remember some of the best experiences & achievements in my adult life happened when (and at least partly because) I was not PMO-ing.
Life's too short to waste on an addiction like this so i'll just keep moving towards freedom and make sure to enjoy the rewards & victories that come my way.
Wishing you all well in your recovery today!
Good thoughts, Orbiter! And congrats on the 14 days!
I appreciate the long journey you've been on, much like myself.
My thoughts on how I understood your post is, that having our goals in mind, doing whatever we do toward our recovery, afterward we just put it out of our mind for the rest of the day.
In other words, we do what's in front of us for habit change, but afterward, we just simply live our lives.
Whatever our efforts look like, I saw/see them as training for life, anyway. So the more we can 'get out there' and just live our life, as if we were on the other side of recovery/rebooting, the better. In other words, we don't need to wait to live that life we always wanted if at least we're doing what we can to further our abstinence and recovery.
Does this make sense? It's like, we're not letting our former habits get in our way any longer- we're going to live! But, we don't have to wait for some process to be completed before we live.
Wishing you well.
I appreciate the long journey you've been on, much like myself.
My thoughts on how I understood your post is, that having our goals in mind, doing whatever we do toward our recovery, afterward we just put it out of our mind for the rest of the day.
In other words, we do what's in front of us for habit change, but afterward, we just simply live our lives.
Whatever our efforts look like, I saw/see them as training for life, anyway. So the more we can 'get out there' and just live our life, as if we were on the other side of recovery/rebooting, the better. In other words, we don't need to wait to live that life we always wanted if at least we're doing what we can to further our abstinence and recovery.
Does this make sense? It's like, we're not letting our former habits get in our way any longer- we're going to live! But, we don't have to wait for some process to be completed before we live.
Wishing you well.
stepbystep
Active Member
Hi Orbiter, congrats on 14 days and keep up the great work. It?s really great how deep you work through your experiences. Recognizing that the best times and fulfilling moments in life happen when we are not engaged in porn is eye opening. Keep breaking the beliefs that propagate the addiction. Ultimately it?s the beliefs that make us keep going back to the addiction.
imsorrynotsorry
Active Member
Hey Orbiter.
Thanks for checking with me in my journal.
Imsor
Congratulations to this insight. Hold on to this curiosity and trust that your future is going to be positive and you can manage all upcoming difficulties without PMO.
We can't have it all at the same time. We/you must now do everything to get out of this dark forest at first. This is necessary to free yourself of PMO and create new capacities. I know some people know who experience addiction and this is for sure a thing that's definitely true. At one point everything possible must act in the direction of recovery for some period. After that you will be more free of the thrills.
Thanks for checking with me in my journal.
Imsor
E
escapeandnevercomeback
Guest
Orbiter said:
Recovering from porn addiction is very hard in itself and it's understandable if this happens. Right now we should focus on quitting porn and everything that it takes to do it. After this we will get our brains back and this will give us a chance to use the energy for other things that matter.
Rescuing my journal from the cliff face of page 2!
Day 19 today.
It actually took me a little while to remember exactly what day it is which is I feel shows a positive focus away from some of the white-knuckliing mentality I usually have at this point. There has been some dramas at work and at home but I have managed & sorted the former and will do my best to do the same to the latter. None of these issues has given me the temptation to reverb to P/PMO behaviours and I think I am framing these issues in my head in a far more practical manner. This is probably a good time to remember what I was saying in earlier posts that I actually handle life problems better when P/PMO is not a part of my life.
On the other hand, mood has been very low over the last few days and I have been dealing with a lot of urges & flashbacks over the last few days in particular.
When the urges hit, I remind myself that these urges are unsurprising, that I gave P/PMO up & that it is no longer an option to me, how bad it feels after, how average it feels during, how sick I am of being held back by this addiction etc. and slow breathe my way through the physical aspects. So far so good on that. The challenge is not so much not relapsing but dealing with the empty, anxious feeling of 'starving' inside from giving this up. It will pass though, this I know.
Mood is low, low, low. This is making everything more difficult and I am really struggling to find the energy to keep everything going at the moment. Even the most basic tasks for the day have felt like a chore this week.
I know it's just part of the process and it will most likely be over in a few days but I needed to get that out of my system.
P/PMO is still not an option to me and I really don't miss it or want to return. This has not changed over the last 19 days. I will keep going until this passes & beyond.
Day 19 today.
It actually took me a little while to remember exactly what day it is which is I feel shows a positive focus away from some of the white-knuckliing mentality I usually have at this point. There has been some dramas at work and at home but I have managed & sorted the former and will do my best to do the same to the latter. None of these issues has given me the temptation to reverb to P/PMO behaviours and I think I am framing these issues in my head in a far more practical manner. This is probably a good time to remember what I was saying in earlier posts that I actually handle life problems better when P/PMO is not a part of my life.
On the other hand, mood has been very low over the last few days and I have been dealing with a lot of urges & flashbacks over the last few days in particular.
When the urges hit, I remind myself that these urges are unsurprising, that I gave P/PMO up & that it is no longer an option to me, how bad it feels after, how average it feels during, how sick I am of being held back by this addiction etc. and slow breathe my way through the physical aspects. So far so good on that. The challenge is not so much not relapsing but dealing with the empty, anxious feeling of 'starving' inside from giving this up. It will pass though, this I know.
Mood is low, low, low. This is making everything more difficult and I am really struggling to find the energy to keep everything going at the moment. Even the most basic tasks for the day have felt like a chore this week.
I know it's just part of the process and it will most likely be over in a few days but I needed to get that out of my system.
P/PMO is still not an option to me and I really don't miss it or want to return. This has not changed over the last 19 days. I will keep going until this passes & beyond.
Congrats on 19 days and beyond, Orbiter!
You're doing great, especially with dismissing urges.
I can totally relate to this empty feeling, and the low, low mood you're in. This is the challenge for me, right now, too. To confront the lingering needs, the deeper spiritual and emotional needs that P/MO used to mask and medicate as best it could (albeit, creating it's own cycle of negative feelings).
We can do this: not only change our habits, but also the why of our former behaviors.
You're doing great, especially with dismissing urges.
I can totally relate to this empty feeling, and the low, low mood you're in. This is the challenge for me, right now, too. To confront the lingering needs, the deeper spiritual and emotional needs that P/MO used to mask and medicate as best it could (albeit, creating it's own cycle of negative feelings).
We can do this: not only change our habits, but also the why of our former behaviors.
Phineas 808 said:
Thanks Phineas,
Day 21...to Day 0
Unfortunately I have to report I was tempted in a moment of weakness by some suggestive Youtube videos and reached the point where I made the choice to intentionally PMO to some soft core pictures on the photography website I was having troubles with. I feel that is less severe than videos/hardcore material but I must not diminish the fact that I made a poor choice and chose to PMO, breaking the deal with myself that porn is no longer an option.
I think I became overly reliant on this agreement that I made to myself and was perhaps neglecting some of the other habits I have used in the past to get through difficult times.
So I made a poor choice in response to temptation and had a lapse. This choice can't be undone so I need to focus on what I can do. I have another choice to make which is whether I let this lapse turn into a relapse into the regular cycle of PMO. The urge is present right now as i'm typing this but I need to remember I have a choice in this.
So today I recommit to myself that porn is no longer an option. I will be more vigilant in future with excessive computer usage, aimless Youtube scrolling and activities that have historically been the first step to temptation. A balanced approach to this combined with my previous commitment I feel is a strong way forward.
Wishing you all well in your recovery today.
Good run on 21 days, Orbiter! Sorry for your lapse...
To recommit with the same kind of strength as before, despite the lapse, is to keep in mind that now I am a man who does not use porn.
Always default to 'now'- despite yesterday, because 'now' is who you really are, the man who wants to change, to be different. Instead of re-lapse, we re-commit.
You're doing it, brother.
To recommit with the same kind of strength as before, despite the lapse, is to keep in mind that now I am a man who does not use porn.
Always default to 'now'- despite yesterday, because 'now' is who you really are, the man who wants to change, to be different. Instead of re-lapse, we re-commit.
You're doing it, brother.
Thanks for the support Phineas. Your support & observations are very helpful and very relevant to how I have been feeling since. Impeccable advice as always!
Day 2 today
Feeling as I usually feel on day 2. I took some time yesterday to meditate on some of the thoughts that were going through my head after the lapse the previous day. The highest amongst these was:
* Memories of the last picture I saw and if I went back and PMOed one last time I could just recommit tomorrow
* How dissapointing it was throwing away progress & having to start from scratch i.e typical AVE thoughts
* Whether my commitment was really as strong as I thought it was. Am I capable of ever comitting strong enough? Will I ever do this etc.
Typical mixture of desire and disappointment that would usually lead to a streak of bingeing until I am so depleted I have to recommit. My answers to these thoughts were
* The picture isn't special and the thirst for novelty will mean that it will soon not be enough anyway and i'll get stuck in the same
downward spiral of addiction. If I resist the image TODAY, the day after that etc. then I will have resisted a strong urge which will
weaken the addiction and put me a few steps towards the direction of recovery. If I give in, I will binge and go several steps in the
WRONG direction towards addiction.
Urges are just urges. They can't kill us. Some are trickier than others but at the end of the day, it's all just urges because that's
the only thing the addiction can throw at us.
* If it doesn't go beyond one mild lapse to pictures + the suggestive Youtube videos before and I have the strength to carry on, I will
have proven I am stronger than before. Plus I will be most likely back on track in a few days chaser/head-wise anyway.
* This goes to what you said Phineas about defaulting to 'now'. Yesterday is yesterday and the difference between a lapse and giving in
to a full relapse is remember that 'now' we will recommit. It is the difference between seeing ourselves as 'people quitting PMO' to
'people who have quit pmo' i.e people who PMO is no longer an option to.
So today as yesterday, I recommit to this and remember that regardless of what the day has in store for me and no matter how or what I do to deal with it, porn is no longer an option.
Day 2 today
Feeling as I usually feel on day 2. I took some time yesterday to meditate on some of the thoughts that were going through my head after the lapse the previous day. The highest amongst these was:
* Memories of the last picture I saw and if I went back and PMOed one last time I could just recommit tomorrow
* How dissapointing it was throwing away progress & having to start from scratch i.e typical AVE thoughts
* Whether my commitment was really as strong as I thought it was. Am I capable of ever comitting strong enough? Will I ever do this etc.
Typical mixture of desire and disappointment that would usually lead to a streak of bingeing until I am so depleted I have to recommit. My answers to these thoughts were
* The picture isn't special and the thirst for novelty will mean that it will soon not be enough anyway and i'll get stuck in the same
downward spiral of addiction. If I resist the image TODAY, the day after that etc. then I will have resisted a strong urge which will
weaken the addiction and put me a few steps towards the direction of recovery. If I give in, I will binge and go several steps in the
WRONG direction towards addiction.
Urges are just urges. They can't kill us. Some are trickier than others but at the end of the day, it's all just urges because that's
the only thing the addiction can throw at us.
* If it doesn't go beyond one mild lapse to pictures + the suggestive Youtube videos before and I have the strength to carry on, I will
have proven I am stronger than before. Plus I will be most likely back on track in a few days chaser/head-wise anyway.
* This goes to what you said Phineas about defaulting to 'now'. Yesterday is yesterday and the difference between a lapse and giving in
to a full relapse is remember that 'now' we will recommit. It is the difference between seeing ourselves as 'people quitting PMO' to
'people who have quit pmo' i.e people who PMO is no longer an option to.
So today as yesterday, I recommit to this and remember that regardless of what the day has in store for me and no matter how or what I do to deal with it, porn is no longer an option.
Awesome thoughts, Orbiter!
Walking with you.
Walking with you.
imsorrynotsorry
Active Member
Hey Orbiter,
i'm suggesting a different perspective on things.
You did a very good streak and that is prove that you can manage. Still, we are addicts and in the early stage of a reboot the symptoms are very strong to make us relapse. It's not that you were "not strong enough" - absolutely not. You have been sooo strong to really quit it for a respectable number of days and then relapsed. So, take your strength and tackle it again and i'm sure you can.
In comparison to our early addiction days, we have been using PMO every day and now we fight it every day. If you PMO 10 times in 365 days it's way better than 365 of 365 days, right? Remember the days we you have been free of it and take those days as your motivation.
take care
Imsor
i'm suggesting a different perspective on things.
You did a very good streak and that is prove that you can manage. Still, we are addicts and in the early stage of a reboot the symptoms are very strong to make us relapse. It's not that you were "not strong enough" - absolutely not. You have been sooo strong to really quit it for a respectable number of days and then relapsed. So, take your strength and tackle it again and i'm sure you can.
In comparison to our early addiction days, we have been using PMO every day and now we fight it every day. If you PMO 10 times in 365 days it's way better than 365 of 365 days, right? Remember the days we you have been free of it and take those days as your motivation.
take care
Imsor
Thanks Phineas!
Hey Imsor, good point! It's easy to fall into such all or nothing mindsets. I think I am still finding the right balance between that and staying accountable to myself for my choices. That said i'm not planning on relapsing anytime soon so with any luck it won't be too much of an issue in the immediate future (or at all).
Day 3 today.
It's late here, work has been exhausting this week and i'm feeling quite tired so this post will be a short one just to update on how I managed those thoughts mentioned in the last post.
Firstly the image I was thinking about is fast fading from my mind. The addict brain tells us we will obsess over it for days and days until we relapse so why bother trying, but it does fade. Also the 'milder' the lapse, the stronger the temptation to have 'one more' but I have not fallen into this trap. I hope this will be a reminder to my future self if there are any lapses in the future to not worry. Any lingering images or thoughts such as this are pure chaser and will pass in a few days. I have never regretted not PMO-ing.
I feel very tired and very low today still but I am already kind of returning to a better state of mind after the lapse. Urges beyond that first day have been little to non-existent. I am being cautiously satisfied that I have not fallen into the trap of relapsing into the old habits temporarily as I usually do. Each day knowing this feels a little bit better.
What was 'yesterday' is now 3 days ago and fading into the distance. Today gave new opportunities and so will tomorrow.
Wishing you all well on your journeys today.
Hey Imsor, good point! It's easy to fall into such all or nothing mindsets. I think I am still finding the right balance between that and staying accountable to myself for my choices. That said i'm not planning on relapsing anytime soon so with any luck it won't be too much of an issue in the immediate future (or at all).
Day 3 today.
It's late here, work has been exhausting this week and i'm feeling quite tired so this post will be a short one just to update on how I managed those thoughts mentioned in the last post.
Firstly the image I was thinking about is fast fading from my mind. The addict brain tells us we will obsess over it for days and days until we relapse so why bother trying, but it does fade. Also the 'milder' the lapse, the stronger the temptation to have 'one more' but I have not fallen into this trap. I hope this will be a reminder to my future self if there are any lapses in the future to not worry. Any lingering images or thoughts such as this are pure chaser and will pass in a few days. I have never regretted not PMO-ing.
I feel very tired and very low today still but I am already kind of returning to a better state of mind after the lapse. Urges beyond that first day have been little to non-existent. I am being cautiously satisfied that I have not fallen into the trap of relapsing into the old habits temporarily as I usually do. Each day knowing this feels a little bit better.
What was 'yesterday' is now 3 days ago and fading into the distance. Today gave new opportunities and so will tomorrow.
Wishing you all well on your journeys today.
Day 6 to Day 0
I MOed once yesterday. I was tired, hungover and was only semi erect. Very unsatisfying.
PMOed twice to hardcore videos today.
I would classify this as a relapse as this is a return to the addict pattern of behaviour
I actually had difficulty getting hard even to PMO which is concerning.
The question I have is why did I do it? I feel I am at the point where I actually don't like it. So what is it about PMO that makes me return to it? What need is it fulfilling that I would return to it despite everything? What am I missing here...
I MOed once yesterday. I was tired, hungover and was only semi erect. Very unsatisfying.
PMOed twice to hardcore videos today.
I would classify this as a relapse as this is a return to the addict pattern of behaviour
I actually had difficulty getting hard even to PMO which is concerning.
The question I have is why did I do it? I feel I am at the point where I actually don't like it. So what is it about PMO that makes me return to it? What need is it fulfilling that I would return to it despite everything? What am I missing here...
E
escapeandnevercomeback
Guest
Orbiter said:
That's right, that's a question we all have to answer: Why do I use porn so much? Is it only a matter of conditioning my brain or "medicating" a deeper thing that I'm not aware of?
In my case it's simple: I've been "medicating" myself since I was 7. A quick memory journey through my life will confirm all the reasons why.
imsorrynotsorry
Active Member
Hey Orbiter,
Get back up when you feel ready again. No rush.
Imsor
This is a result of porn use. The stimulus is not enough anymore.
Maybe it felt just like the right thing to do? The brain telling you that you need PMO? And no signs of doubt before it? Then you did it just because the addiction told you to. It needs a period of no-PMO in which the symptoms weaken. I say there is a good chance after 21-90 days.
Get back up when you feel ready again. No rush.
Imsor