Orbiters Journal of Recovery

[Orbiter]

Thank you for the fantastic posts and showings of support Reality, Anhaedra & Phoenix. I shall endeavor to do the same in return. Lots of great points that I will have to address in a future post as it is getting late and I should turn the computer off for the night.

DAY 1

It is disappointing & embarrassing to come on here and say this but for accountability's sake I must. While everything mostly went as planned and I had a great, productive, restorative weekend, I also relapsed yesterday and the day before. Both times I have done what I can to bounce back and not become too discouraged. Both times were during the day (which is unusual for me). I couldn't really think of any reason it happened other than I perhaps got too sure of myself and slipped into a relapse. The following day being the usual 'chaser'.

I have kept myself busy with exercise, catching up on creative pursuits and spending time with friends as planned. A combination of this, healthy eating and getting enough rest has helped me somewhat bounce back. Other than that, not much that can be done now except get back on the wagon, look out over the new few days and endeavor to do better this week.

 

[anhaedra]

At least for me, exercising and nutrition are key to better self-control and discipline, yet for anyone I guess, they can act as an apt substitute for porn or masturbation. Like I wrote several times in my own journal, my porn use decreased noticeably before I even heard of rebooting, and it coincided with going to the gym and eating healthy. You'll feel much better about yourself, which I think for most of us, weeds out the most deeply rooted source of porn addiction -- self-loathing and depression.

Also, it releases neurochemicals that make you feel good, just like porn, and you'll have a new hobby that can take A LOT of your time if you get serious about it, so you'll have less time and energy to practice or even think about PMO.

(And by going to the gym I mean lifting weights. Treadmills are pretty useless.)

(And by eating healthy I mean more protein and healthy fats, less carbs, and zero fast carbs. Which boils down to unprocessed foods, basically.)

 

[Orbiter]

DAY 3

Several relapses over the previous week. The relapses were super compulsive in nature and deeply unsatisfying of course! I attribute it mostly to not handling some stressful work situations as well as I could have as well as a weekend that I was partying perhaps a bit too hard for someone on their guard not to relapse. I have been clean this week and I am hereby recommitting myself to recovery.

On a more positive note, I have managed to reconnect with some friends over the past two weeks. I think I have always taken for granted maintaining my friendships and social connections. I believe as we get older, it will require more effort and consideration to maintain these connections. It also protects someone recovering from this addiction from being isolated and I think that living among others and making these connections is an important part of recovering.

I have also maintained my diet and exercise throughout. As a result, not only do I feel more physically resilient but mentally and emotionally as well. One by one, I hope to start substituting pornography and the dependency on it as a coping mechanism with more positive things in my life. I think my life, and frame of mind in general, need to go such changes if I am to make any progress.

 

[RealityCheck]

Love your last post, Orbiter.  I think that being aware as to WHY we look to porn is essential to overcome it. 

 

[Orbiter]

SINCE I LAST POSTED:

* First made lots of progress with exercise, socializing & confidence.

* Discovered 'gooning' and online porn & edging communities.

* Feel deeper into porn addiction than I ever have in my life.

* Hopelessly addicted & engaging in shameful, depraved edging sessions for literally hours.

* Gave up on ever being free or being in a relationship ever again.

* Things began to turn around with a positive and social Christmas & New Year holiday

* Got my first girlfriend in almost ten years two weeks later

* Spend almost every day together & fall head over heels for eachother

* ED first two times having sex which slowly improves over a month

* Look at almost no porn in this time

* Lots of sex with strong erections but almost impossible to cum

* Girlfriend is upset but after talking agree to work through this together

* Relapse two days ago

* Have sex with girlfriend next day. Go soft inside her. She is devastated

* Relapse again today. Feel terrible, frustrated, guilty.

* Recommitting to reboot process from now!

Day 0

More to come soon...

 

[Orbiter]

DAY 2

Day 1 was busy and tiring, therefore urges or chaser effect was minimal to non-existent.

Until the end of last year I was keeping up a regular exercise schedule that I feel the need to restart again. I also feel like my mental health, libido, focus and energy were far better during this period then they are now.

Woke up this morning with strong morning wood that must've lasted for close to 30 mins. This is has been happening more often lately that i've been 'rewiring' with my new girlfriend and while it doesn't mean much, it still feels good to know that, at least physiologically speaking, everything still works.

I'll do my best to make today a positive one.

 

[Orbiter]

DAY 3

Exercised yesterday, it felt good to get back into it. I went out for drinks later that day with an old friend who was visiting from overseas.

Very hungover today with little to no libido.

 

[chiefmitch88]

Hey Orbiter,

Your efforts to be free of this addiction do matter. There is no quest more noble than bringing light to the internal darkness. Its the only thing we have any real control over in this world. Keep your chin up, I've had dozens of slips. You see the problem, keep journaling and tracking progress. One day at a time.
If you're a reader I recommend The Slight Edge by Jeff Olson or Breaking the Cycle by George Collins. Both great places to start on your journey. The former is about creating healthy daily habits (not addiction focused), the latter is about dealing with all forms of sex based addictions. Reading and guided meditation helps get my mind off of the obsessive overthinking that underwrites my addiction.
Best of luck, I'm rooting for you!

 

[Orbiter]

Hey Orbiter,

Your efforts to be free of this addiction do matter. There is no quest more noble than bringing light to the internal darkness. Its the only thing we have any real control over in this world. Keep your chin up, I've had dozens of slips. You see the problem, keep journaling and tracking progress. One day at a time.
If you're a reader I recommend The Slight Edge by Jeff Olson or Breaking the Cycle by George Collins. Both great places to start on your journey. The former is about creating healthy daily habits (not addiction focused), the latter is about dealing with all forms of sex based addictions. Reading and guided meditation helps get my mind off of the obsessive overthinking that underwrites my addiction.
Best of luck, I'm rooting for you!

Hey thanks so much for dropping by chiefmitch88. All wise words and good recommendations. I read The Slight Edge 3 or 4 years ago, it's fantastic and i'd actually entirely forgotten about it so thank you for reminding me. I haven't read Breaking the Cycle but I shall have to check it out.

DAY 5

Asexual, dead dick, tired, over it! That's today and yesterday as well. I attempted sex with my girlfriend 3 times over the weekend. First time I went soft in her almost instantly. Second time I remained hard but abstained from PIV and stuck to oral, could not cum. Third time I felt completely asexual and uninterested, no response downstairs whatesoever. She has been so understanding about it and said several times we can work through it together, but I know it hurts her and I just hope I can even return to having erections again. It's so disturbing personally to be with her and suddenly feel no sexual desire at all.

Alas I think I may have fallen into a flatline. If it weren't for my girlfriend, it would be a relief to not feel constant urges and sexual frustration for a change. Also I feel stressed and exhausted from work and other dramas in life. All I want to do is go to bed and sleep for the next 3 weeks.

 

[Orbiter]

DAY 6

Tired, frustrated, nothing downstairs. Seeing GF tonight.

Wish me luck!

 

[Orbiter]

DAY 7

Last night was very uneventful, I was too tired to really do anything so we made dinner and watched some Netflix instead. My libido feels like it's beginning to return but I feel that it may be merely urges for porn. I must stay away, for her and for myself!

I have restarted my exercise routine and, if nothing else, it has been a welcome boost for my mood, discipline and self esteem. I will avoid using the computer tonight as I can feel the urges rising and I cannot afford to relapse again. Luckily I have many other activities to occupy myself with this evening and I have cut down my computer & internet time considerably since being in a relationship. I still feel a bit down about everything but there has been a lot of personal demons I have had to face over the last few weeks and I should be kinder to myself about feeling exhausted from it.

 

[Orbiter]

DAY 8

I think this is the longest I have been without porn in at least three years...which is a depressing thought but also a nice milestone to pass. Some mild urges this morning but my resolve has not waned. It's easy to relapse again and again when you feel like you have nothing to lose, which I guess is the vicious cycle that porn addiction leads us all towards.

Still little to no interest in sex, it's like I feel completely exhausted with it. I suppose masturbating to hundreds of hours of hardcore pornography, for hours at a time, over several years will do that to a person. It really is the most depressing, empty habit. It hollows us from the inside out. I wish that I had been able to put more effort last year before things got so desperately bad. Then at least my poor GF wouldn't have to share the burden of this as well. Hopefully it is not too late.

Must stay strong!

 

[Orbiter]

DAY 9

The first wave of serious temptation hit me today. I was tired, I woke up in a bad mood, I was sporting erections all through the morning, my GF wasn't answering her phone even though we were supposed to meet up and I felt the familiar pull towards the computer with the usual rationalizations going through my head. But I did not cave in, instead I pushed through with my exercise and steered my thoughts in a positive direction throughout the day. The urge subsided and I am still clean!

I can't remember the last time I was nine days clean of pornography. I know better than to rest on my laurels as this is far from the last time I will have to face days like this, but I can't help but feel a little proud of myself. I know numbers are not all that important, but it's nice to say that i'm one more night from the double digits of being clean.

 

[Orbiter]

DAY 13

It's amazing how even when you do not consciously feel the urge, habits have a way of creeping back when you least suspect it. As I was typing in my username to log into here, I began typing in the username of a reddit account I used for porn automatically and stopped myself halfway through. The addiction is deceptive, bad habits die hard and will often strike in the most unexpected of ways!

Last weekend I had sex with my GF where I managed to cum twice out of several times and managed to sustain a workable erection. I still clearly have a long way to go but it is an encouraging sign that I am able to do this when I was literally barely able to maintain an erection with her just under two weeks ago when I relapsed. I am unfortunately also coming down with a cold at the moment but my mood is ok. My mind has focused on other things and the withdrawals have not hit me as hard as I thought they might. I have decided it is okay to ejaculate PIV with my girlfriend as I feel it is beneficial to my rewiring, being able to sexual connect with others and weaken the emotional grip that porn has on me.

I am feeling cautious but encouraged so far.

 

[Orbiter]

DAY 17

Mood has dropped over the previous few days. Libido is quite low and I have been having sex with mixed success. Urges for porn have been minimal but I have been noticing I have been slightly missing porn, or perhaps more specifically the instant sexual gratification and lack of pressure and/or necessary effort that comes with porn. I also still feel a very long way away from being attracted to real people in the same way I am to porn. Of course all this is totally normal with giving up a habit like porn, and the sad reality is recovery is both non-linear and not a process that will happen overnight. We just have to persevere.

 

[Orbiter]

DAY 20

Spent the weekend with my GF. Slowly but gradually, I seem to be gaining more consistency and strength in my erections during sex. I am still having mixed success though, but the signs are indeed quite reassuring. Porn urges are coming on very strong at the moment, I think I will need to avoid the internet for the rest of the day if I am to stay clean.

 

[Orbiter]

...to DAY 0

Relapsed. Watched porn for 2 1/2 hours but did not masturbate.

 

[Orbiter]

DAY 1

Argh! PMOed for 10 minutes max last night as I was worried I would later in the week if I didn't. Found myself starting to peek as soon as I turned on the computer but quickly stopped myself. Not in a good state right now.

 

[Orbiter]

DAY 0

Can't stop!

 

[Orbiter]

DAY 2

Finding it so hard to stay away from porn at the moment. I went from zero urges to urges basically every time I am near a computer. I have been finding myself peeking and then stopping myself, I know it only makes things worse and I may need to stay away from the computer for several days until I can get my urges back under control.