Orbiters Journal of Recovery

Orbiter

Well-Known Member
Day 1 :/

Unfortunately I PMOed once last night right at the end of day 6. I am more unhappy with this than the previous lapse as it is indicative of the 'end of the week, life sucks, reward yourself, it doesn't really matter anyway' cycle and that I am still well and truly trapped in. Dissapointing.

I have found that, in returning to the forums, I am falling into old patterns of checking in more often than I should, reading more into peoples responses (or non-responses) than I should, and am using 'recovery' and this website as yet another means to procrastinate.

This is also counter-productive in that it is giving the addiction too much power in my mind and in turn instilling a false belief that quitting porn is this huge, terrifying, difficult and, in my subconsciously mind, impossible thing to do. You don't have to look to far on this forum to see examples of others doing this too. A recipe for failure if I ever saw one.

This ties in to what you were asking about leisure. Though I prefer to think of it as a passion rather than leisure, making/producing music is my main non-work interest. I also like drawing & art, reading, cooking, exercise, electronics, messing around with computers (was getting into a lot of Linux stuff in my break and I have a Raspberry Pi I like to experiment with), film, working on developing martial arts into an interest too. There's probably some i'm forgetting but i'm a naturally curious person, I get bored easily and I like to try new things so I have developed a lot of interests over the years.

It honestly frustrates me, I have SO MANY better things to be doing, that I like doing, that I should be doing, instead of PMOing or browsing garbage on Youtube but I have unfortunately conditioned myself to live like this and it is normalised by the way most of modern society lives.

I should be using this time that I am sober and away from work doing these things. Not pulling my hair out over relapses or day counters.

Recovery-ism is a well known trap that a lot of us fall into. I have a tendency to become quite obsessive over projects & goals I invest myself into and you can tell by the now 32 (!!) pages of this journal (which is in itself a mere snapshop of 9 years of trying/failing/trying/failing/trying/failing) rebooting is no exception.

In an effort to turn my focus more towards life beyond recovery, I am going to try something different which is reduce my posting to weekly instead of daily. Posting daily has served me well in the past but I feel it's become a crutch in itself and that every post I make or reflection I have is a repetition of something 2 or 3 pages back.

So...

* I'm going to make today my weekly recovery day from this point and see if I can bring some balance back into my life.

* If I am having some sort of personal or recovery emergency, I can break this rule and post.

* I will keep a spreadsheet of P, MOs & PMOs from here on out as well and I will report progress weekly. (NOTE: Though they are not necessarily helpful, I do not consider MO or any other form of O a lapse).

Wishing you all well. See you in a week!

EDIT: Grammar
 
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EarthWalker

Well-Known Member
You'll figure it out. No worries. Be kind to yourself. We get to try and try again until we get it.

Much love
EW
 
Day 1 :/

Unfortunately I PMOed once last night right at the end of day 6. I am more unhappy with this than the previous lapse as it is indicative of the 'end of the week, life sucks, reward yourself, it doesn't really matter anyway' cycle and that I am still well and truly trapped in. Dissapointing.

I have found that, in returning to the forums, I am falling into old patterns of checking in more often than I should, reading more into peoples responses (or non-responses) than I should, and am using 'recovery' and this website as yet another means to procrastinate.

This is also counter-productive in that it is giving the addiction too much power in my mind and in turn instilling a false belief that quitting porn is this huge, terrifying, difficult and, in my subconsciously mind, impossible thing to do. You don't have to look to far on this forum to see examples of others doing this too. A recipe for failure if I ever saw one.

This ties in to what you were asking about leisure. Though I prefer to think of it as a passion rather than leisure, making/producing music is my main non-work interest. I also like drawing & art, reading, cooking, exercise, electronics, messing around with computers (was getting into a lot of Linux stuff in my break and I have a Raspberry Pi I like to experiment with), film, working on developing martial arts into an interest too. There's probably some i'm forgetting but i'm a naturally curious person, I get bored easily and I like to try new things so I have developed a lot of interests over the years.

It honestly frustrates me, I have SO MANY better things to be doing, that I like doing, that I should be doing, instead of PMOing or browsing garbage on Youtube but I have unfortunately conditioned myself to live like this and it is normalised by the way most of modern society lives.

I should be using this time that I am sober and away from work doing these things. Not pulling my hair out over relapses or day counters.

Recovery-ism is a well known trap that a lot of us fall into. I have a tendency to become quite obsessive over projects & goals I invest myself into and you can tell by the now 32 (!!) pages of this journal (which is in itself a mere snapshop of 9 years of trying/failing/trying/failing/trying/failing) rebooting is no exception.

In an effort to turn my focus more towards life beyond recovery, I am going to try something different which is reduce my posting to weekly instead of daily. Posting daily has served me well in the past but I feel it's become a crutch in itself and that every post I make or reflection I have is a repetition of something 2 or 3 pages back.

So...

* I'm going to make today my weekly recovery day from this point and see if I can bring some balance back into my life.

* If I am having some sort of personal or recovery emergency, I can break this rule and post.

* I will keep a spreadsheet of P, MOs & PMOs from here on out as well and I will report progress weekly. (NOTE: Though they are not necessarily helpful, I do not consider MO or any other form of O a lapse).

Wishing you all well. See you in a week!

EDIT: Grammar
Wow!
That's quite a list of things that you're passionate about. Most of those things excite my spirit too. Pursue one of those each week and if possible maybe write about it here.

Point you made about how we give the addiction false power in our minds is spot on. During initial days of my addiction, some 20 years back I thought of it as a tragedy that had befallen me. I was never taught that sex, masturbation are normal behaviours. And that there was no need to give it that kind of hype. It's no forbidden fruit but by thinking that it was I created and associated it with this imaginary sweet bliss.
I failed to see it for what it was... A mundane pleasure feeling of a few milliseconds, and nothing more.

The addiction indeed feeds and grows on the hype that we give it. You make really insightful observations dude. Looking forward to reading your weekly posts✋🏻
 

Orbiter

Well-Known Member
Today is Day 1

In the previous week, I have:

PMOed 2 times
MOed 2 times


Not great but could be worse I suppose. I had my second Pfizer shot this week which might have had an impact but i'm very dubious of that possibility. I suppose I could go into establishing the cues that lead to this but that would merely be retreading old ground really. I know why I do it, the situations & thoughts that lead me to do it and things that I need to be doing regularly to avoid doing it. What I don't know is why I can't bring myself to do the work anymore that quitting this takes.

The lockdown is starting to take it's toll on me this time. The stress and uncertainly of this situation is becoming increasingly difficult for me to deal with. Even putting aside the idea of coping mechanisms, i'm struggling with the reality that i'm not really left with a lot of healthy, meaningful ways to enjoy life and connect. Almost my entire life, including my work at the moment is lived alone inside a small one bedroom apartment. It has been for some time and will continue to in future. Not much to connect with, not much to look forward to. I try to motivate myself with the many things that I like doing but as i'm unable to enjoy anything, it all seems futile and forced. Not only that, there's a possibility that as this situation continues, work may be reduced to the point where I can't afford to keep even what little I have now going.

This feeling of powerlessness is a huge, long-established emotional PMO cue for me. I just don't know what do about PA or any of it at the moment. Even when I have been PMOing, I am consciously thinking even during the act of PMO how awful & pointless it is and asking myself how much longer I am prepared to put up with living like this for. I'm so sick of being stuck with this addiction, sick of ED, sick of wasting life & everything i've built PMOing. Just watching the days and weeks go down the drain.

This probably isn't helpful but I honestly just needed to vent.
 
Let's assign each other immediate tasks to do just before we start PMOing. We can indulge if we still wish to after the task. It'll give us a pause to reflect right before the act. And we may indulge, we may not but atleast we'll be mindful and aware, and that's a step forward.

I'm not sure if you're gonna read this today or next week so I'll do this same task.

Here it is.

Just before you decide and start PMOing, just count to 10 and with each count think of a thing that you really really wish to do. Could be anything, like make music, learn to play a new instrument, travel the world etc.

Let me know how it worked out. I will to.
 

EarthWalker

Well-Known Member
Almost my entire life, including my work at the moment is lived alone inside a small one bedroom apartment. It has been for some time and will continue to in future. Not much to connect with, not much to look forward to.
I know how you feel. I am in a similar situation.

What is helping me is intending to connect with my heart and my soul. I've started again with daily meditation practice. Also helps going for walks in nature.

Are you seeing a psychologist or someone like that?

Much love
EW
 

Wolfman

Active Member
Almost my entire life, including my work at the moment is lived alone inside a small one bedroom apartment. It has been for some time and will continue to in future. Not much to connect with, not much to look forward to. I try to motivate myself with the many things that I like doing but as i'm unable to enjoy anything, it all seems futile and forced. Not only that, there's a possibility that as this situation continues, work may be reduced to the point where I can't afford to keep even what little I have now going.
Are you able to get out? Go on a trip? A bicycle ride, or a hiking trip? Something to just change your surroundings? It doesn't need to be expensive, you don't need any gear, just any old rucksack and some shoes, and off you go, just walk, do something new. Just put yourself out there. It sounds to me like your surroundings are really making things super-difficult for you to beat your PMO.

Can you change work? Does work need to be the worry that it is? It sounds to me you're already living pretty minimalist, so there shouldn't be so many worries in terms of expenses (unless you have large liabilities). If you are healthy, if you are competent or willing to learn, work shouldn't stress you out, because you can always develop new skills.
 
Hey @Orbiter

Unfortunately I PMOed once last night right at the end of day 6. I am more unhappy with this than the previous lapse as it is indicative of the 'end of the week, life sucks, reward yourself, it doesn't really matter anyway' cycle and that I am still well and truly trapped in. Disappointing.

Although it's nearly 10 years ago now, when I first learnt about my PA it was the initial shock and revelation of what P had done to my body and brain (particularly the PIED and PE) that carried me through a significant and perfectly sober period of c.2 months. After the shock had worn off, I began slipping and I experienced a routine almost identical to your 'end-of-the-week' problem. Every single Friday for at least two months I would slip, without fail, and I quickly came to dread Fridays. For me it was the lack of social life (at the time) with the related lonely weekend ahead that provided the 'negative energy' to drive me towards consuming P together with knowing I had a few days to recover from my slip before returning to work on a Monday morning that provided the 'positive motivation' to justify the slip. Of course, this was at a very early time in my recovery and I know that we're both well beyond this period. However, my method of 'circuit-breaker' on one particular Friday involved going to bed extremely early - it may have been 8:30pm, possibly earlier - and it was the only way I could all but guarantee I would NOT be on my laptop and NOT inevitably be browsing for P. Going to bed early certainly wasn't and isn't a long-term fix, not to mention being extremely embarrassing for an adult, but it did help me break through the recurring Friday-night stumbling block. I felt trapped by Friday nights and no matter how many times people said, "just do this..." or "just do that..." (such as go for a walk or have a cold shower), or I thought to myself, "Just do this..." or "Just do that...." (such as watching a film or not actually going on my laptop), 'just' doing or not doing something isn't actually that easy where addictions are concerned. After going to bed early, not slipping, and therefore eventually overcoming this mental barrier of a Friday-night slip, it helped me realise that it was as much me putting this barrier in place as it was something induced by my situation. And by removing at least the former portion of the aforementioned (i.e. the mental barrier created by myself), I was able to approach subsequent Friday nights with the knowledge that a slip wasn't inevitable; I was no longer scared of Friday nights and I did manage to stay sober for a while.

I won't quote or reference anything else from your August 19th post as I think, apart from me not being musically- or technologically-minded, I can relate so closely to everything else that you have written. Frankly, if I was shown a random journal entry and didn't know the author, I would have probably thought it was an entry of mine.

Your post from August 27th again rings so true with me - did you copy and paste one of mine??? ;) . For me, lockdown just brought to the surface a swathe of issues (that you are well aware of) which I'd previously kept somewhat repressed through the aid of a busy job, regularly travelling to and from London to visit my family, and having a pretty busy work-related social life. Feeling powerless and feeling not in control have been my mental staples too since March 2020. I want to be more social, I want to be able to enjoy myself more, I want to just go and do all manner of different things but somehow I seem to hold myself back. I don't really know why but it does feel like I am very much powerless and not in control of these above things, as if some greater cosmic force is pulling the strings. I don't know how to change this and all I ever picture is the Johari Window - a staple in its own right within work-based team building and personality profiling - and my thoughts around my problems always fall into the 'I don't know what I don't know' category. And this is what frustrates and annoys me - how can I solve a problem when I know neither what the real problem is nor what the answer might be. The result is my brain just stews and festers.

One thing I do notice quite often is that this forum is a very safe space in which to share, discuss and vent, be it our general musings, our frustrations or those things we would never dare share with someone else out of shame or embarrassment. However, sharing virtually can only take us so far and the next step may be to have a verbal conversation with someone. This need not be a friend or family member, and PA need not be a topic of discussion but with all the other items you mention, as well as myself I know a few other people experiencing similar things. And these 'things' all seem to fall into a broader existential grouping so I'm confident a lot of other people would relate to your (our) situation(s). The most difficult thing is actually taking the initial plunge and opening up to someone, be it a friend, a work colleague, the Samaritans, a mental health charity or your GP etc.. Conversations can be kept off-the-record but sometimes actually speaking makes the situation feel more true to yourself because it's your voice saying the words, rather than your fingers typing them; the pen isn't always mightier than the sword! I do need to take my own advice because I struggle to talk to people about my issues. Just thinking about talking with someone fills me with feelings of embarrassment because I'd be showing someone that I have a weakness. I also worry about 'unloading' on someone because they'd be taking the brunt of my problems and I think I wouldn't want to be in their position or would want to listen to me. In the few moments I have opened up to others, however, it's surprising (or not) how reasonable people are, and how that once you start sharing they start sharing back a whole bunch of stuff that they often haven't shared with anyone else.

For seasoned recovering addicts, I don't like given specific advice because by now, we've heard it all, and by now we would have done all the things advised to us already if we wanted to do them. So right here, right now, my comments are really suggestions or things to consider. My current employer is very focused on mental health, due to the pretty poor stats related to our industry's high levels of male suicide, depression and loneliness, and as is always reminded to us at work, "It's ok to not be ok". The negative stigma around showing mental weakness is nowhere near as prevalent as it once was and if you do decide to talk with someone, you can always caveat it by saying you just want to talk and for the other person to just listen and say nothing. Sometimes the emotional weight of actually saying things to another human being can be enough to help make progress, with progress determined by whatever criteria you choose.
 

Orbiter

Well-Known Member
I know how you feel. I am in a similar situation.

What is helping me is intending to connect with my heart and my soul. I've started again with daily meditation practice. Also helps going for walks in nature.

Are you seeing a psychologist or someone like that?

Much love
EW

Thanks for dropping in EarthWalker,

I have been going for walks and meditating during the working week but seem to start slipping once the weekend arrives which is something I could probably quite easily change.

I've discussed it here and there in this journal but i've been seeing a Psychologist since February this year. It has brought up some challenges and skeletons in the closet for me but I find it has become a consistently positive & important part of my life & long term recovery.

I like what you say of connection with the heart and soul. It goes back to a lot of what we were discussing with connect awhile back I think. Afterall, we can't connect with others until we are able to meaningfully connect with ourselves right?
 
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Orbiter

Well-Known Member
Are you able to get out? Go on a trip? A bicycle ride, or a hiking trip? Something to just change your surroundings? It doesn't need to be expensive, you don't need any gear, just any old rucksack and some shoes, and off you go, just walk, do something new. Just put yourself out there. It sounds to me like your surroundings are really making things super-difficult for you to beat your PMO.

Can you change work? Does work need to be the worry that it is? It sounds to me you're already living pretty minimalist, so there shouldn't be so many worries in terms of expenses (unless you have large liabilities). If you are healthy, if you are competent or willing to learn, work shouldn't stress you out, because you can always develop new skills.

Hi Wolfman, thanks for dropping in and for your advice.

The rules of stage 4 lockdown restrictions in my city dictate that people are allowed 2 hours total outside (with respect to curfew) for the purposes of exercise, shopping or essentials like going to the doctor...that's basically it! No social activities indoors or out apart from walking/exercising with one other person. With some exceptions, it is currently illegal to travel outside a 5km radius of home. I can still visit my dad under compassionate reasons but apart from that, I and everyone else are currently stuck in our homes. Since the end of May I have been living alone.

Although I am currently working from home for the time being, I work in the community sector and until recently was doing front line work with high-risk individuals so I take Covid safety & restrictions very seriously.

Everything's shut and the job market has been pretty bleak since the start of the pandemic. In many respects i'm quite lucky to still have the job and hours I do. I know many people who are struggling to find work or enough hours to make ends meet. Perhaps I am being overly conservative but times are tough and jumping jobs is not a risk I am prepared to take at this point.

With all that said, I appreciate what you are saying and generally speaking this is really good advice. I look forward to being able to act on it in some way in the future!
 

Orbiter

Well-Known Member
Hey Happydude, thanks for dropping in and for your advice & thoughts!

Your situation with Fridays sounds quite similar to mine. I do know the feeling of that lack and, even before Covid shut everything down, felt a feeling of emptiness, negativity & stale repetition towards the weekend. I often felt this even when I was out with others. I like this idea of using the circuit breaker not as a way to avoid triggers but a means to actually break the 'mirage of power' that this Friday relapse routine has. I'll give it a go!

The post from August 27th actually started from my most recent reply in your journal but I decided my journal would be a more appropriate place to vent these feelings of mine. Although I find these lockdowns difficult to manage, I personally feel fortunate that at least where I am at they have not been lifted prematurely at the expense of potentially thousands of lives. That aside, I feel for the situation in your country and appreciate how stressful that must be to live with. I hope better days are in store for all of us soon.

I think there is a lot of growth and you, I and many of us here have experienced but not yet had the chance to properly 'road test' so to speak due to the complicated circumstances we live in. There are so many lessons we can only get from going out and experiencing something for ourselves. Perhaps there are some lessons that we've gotten all we can from thinking alone at this time? There is always work to be done within ourselves but I think many of these important issues surrounding confidence & self-esteem really need some real life experiences to reinforce some of these learnings. I think this also applies to the discussion on connecting with others on our problems in a real conversation. I find others to often be surprisingly accepting & empathetic though often not really understanding in the way I feel people do here. I agree with your point though. I think it does tie back to a lot of unhelpful fear of rejection mechanisms and negative self-beliefs that hold us back from taking a chance. Pandemic aside though, I feel the other side of that is where we will find a lot of the things we are looking for.

Food for though with plenty of time to think it over! Thanks for the reflections and your support. It is appreciated.
 
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Escapeandnevercomeback

Well-Known Member
This feeling of powerlessness is a huge, long-established emotional PMO cue for me. I just don't know what do about PA or any of it at the moment. Even when I have been PMOing, I am consciously thinking even during the act of PMO how awful & pointless it is and asking myself how much longer I am prepared to put up with living like this for. I'm so sick of being stuck with this addiction, sick of ED, sick of wasting life & everything i've built PMOing. Just watching the days and weeks go down the drain.
Get mad and determined. A few days ago I was ready to give up on my life and live like a porn junkie. I didn't know what to do anymore, I had no motivation to do this and I thought I was going to stay the same for the rest of my life. But there is always that 1% inside of me, that "splinter in my mind" (shout out to my man Morpheus) that tells me, "You know you don't honestly want this." So I started reading around the Internet and I found a post. A guy started talking about how his life was when he was a porn addict and it sounded as if I had written it myself. A loser, let's not sugarcoat this shit. He was a loser (in that period of his life) and I knew I was (am) too. Then he talked about how his life was after quitting porn and something happened in my brain, a chemical reaction, I got so mad right there. I had read stories like that but I didn't give a fuck to pay attention, I thought I knew what to do but then I had to tell myself I was not determined enough, I was not ready to suffer and do everything it takes to change. I remember when I read a transformation before/after story, I thought the guy was lying. "A guy can't change that much after quitting porn." But then I found other stories like that around the Internet and I had to admit that only the simple fact of not being a porn addict anymore does wonders to your brain, to your energy level, to how you carry yourself and how you speak. People register that and then your life has a chance to improve. Do we want to be the best versions of ourselves? Do we want to talk to someone 20 years from now and tell them: "I have no regrets cause I've lived my life to the full?" Or do we want to lie about it, say we lived our lives but we ain't lived shit? Just the thought of being a 50 years old frustrated, bitter old man with regrets makes me even ready to die for this shit.
 
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Orbiter

Well-Known Member
Get mad and determined. A few days ago I was...

Sounds like you've been able to tap into some new found motivation as late. Great going Escape!

Some advice I would have would be to be wary of leaning on 'getting mad' or a willpower based method for too long. I would say after the first month or so, be prepared to reach a point where you may have to leave the 'embracing the suck' mentality, as you have put it in the past, behind and start building something in place of the addictions you've given up. Can't stay mad forever.

Definitely don't take this as a criticism though, rather an observation that might help build a more sustainable recovery. Good to see you're back on track once again. Best of luck!
 

Escapeandnevercomeback

Well-Known Member
Sounds like you've been able to tap into some new found motivation as late. Great going Escape!

Some advice I would have would be to be wary of leaning on 'getting mad' or a willpower based method for too long. I would say after the first month or so, be prepared to reach a point where you may have to leave the 'embracing the suck' mentality, as you have put it in the past, behind and start building something in place of the addictions you've given up. Can't stay mad forever.

Definitely don't take this as a criticism though, rather an observation that might help build a more sustainable recovery. Good to see you're back on track once again. Best of luck!
Sure, man, I know what you're saying. I don't really want to do it "Rambo style through urges" again because I've done it once and it's hard. I need to think and see what I could do.
 

Phineas 808

Respected Member
Sure, man, I know what you're saying. I don't really want to do it "Rambo style through urges" again because I've done it once and it's hard. I need to think and see what I could do.

Keep that angst, Escape! Though Orbiter is right, we can't depend on anger alone. Habit is what habit is, however, habit can be hacked, lol...!

There's all kinds of ways and approaches to hack into our self-created habits, and overcome them. I would suggest (not to diss anyone else's approach) to avoid any disease-models of recovery, and go into the latest science of habit-change, especially regarding mindfulness.

I know it may seem to be difficult to grasp, but maybe because it's actually 'easy'.

Blessings.
 

Escapeandnevercomeback

Well-Known Member
Keep that angst, Escape! Though Orbiter is right, we can't depend on anger alone. Habit is what habit is, however, habit can be hacked, lol...!

There's all kinds of ways and approaches to hack into our self-created habits, and overcome them. I would suggest (not to diss anyone else's approach) to avoid any disease-models of recovery, and go into the latest science of habit-change, especially regarding mindfulness.

I know it may seem to be difficult to grasp, but maybe because it's actually 'easy'.

Blessings.
Okay, I understand what you and Orbiter mean about the anger, I won't probably be in this state for too long. That was how I felt at that time, you know. I got mad after reading a post on reddit nofap describing life on a longer streak away from porn. My streak is not challenging yet, the urges haven't started but I'll figure out something. Last time it didn't work but I can't repeat the same thing.
 

Phineas 808

Respected Member
That was how I felt at that time, you know.

Definitely! Whatever sparks the forest-fire, right? Eventually, the forest-fire creates it's own weather, and doesn't need too much fuel.

You will learn new approaches and ways to hack into this, and eventually, your recovery will take on a life of its own. You won't even need to think about it all the time, and yet still be vigilant.
 

Escapeandnevercomeback

Well-Known Member
Definitely! Whatever sparks the forest-fire, right? Eventually, the forest-fire creates it's own weather, and doesn't need too much fuel.

You will learn new approaches and ways to hack into this, and eventually, your recovery will take on a life of its own. You won't even need to think about it all the time, and yet still be vigilant.
I understand. It's true, something needs to spark it. You know, I've only had 2 moments of "mad motivation" so far in 10 years, the one that led me to 50 days and this one, this one is even stronger. With the first one I made a mistake not to continue with my alcohol sobriety but now I will, I haven't drunk in 2 weeks and I will quit everything that could sabotage me, I will avoid everything only to make this work. It's taken me a good period of time to be able to gather the strength back after that relapse. I was depressed for days, some deep depression like back in high school. Then I read that post on nofap and, this doesn't usually happen to me, I found myself saying, "I want that, man! I want to experience that, I don't like my life at all, I want that life. I want to be done with porn and do all the things I want to do."
 

Phineas 808

Respected Member
I understand. It's true, something needs to spark it. You know, I've only had 2 moments of "mad motivation" so far in 10 years, the one that led me to 50 days and this one, this one is even stronger. With the first one I made a mistake not to continue with my alcohol sobriety but now I will, I haven't drunk in 2 weeks and I will quit everything that could sabotage me, I will avoid everything only to make this work. It's taken me a good period of time to be able to gather the strength back after that relapse. I was depressed for days, some deep depression like back in high school. Then I read that post on nofap and, this doesn't usually happen to me, I found myself saying, "I want that, man! I want to experience that, I don't like my life at all, I want that life. I want to be done with porn and do all the things I want to do."

Definitely, Escape! You will do it, and whatever tries to stand in your way, you'll go through it! Congrats on the alcohol front, and that's going to help you keep that laser sharp focus.

You deserve that life you're now envisioning. It's time.
 
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