Orbiters Journal of Recovery

Orbiter

Well-Known Member
Haha looks like my journals been hijacked! Better take it back...

SEPTEMBER REVIEW - WEEK 1
Today is DAY 1 in my current streak.
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After my last post, my mood slipped much lower though I did not lapse or fall into relapse afterwards. I reached out to a colleague i've known for many years over the phone who i've been concerned about for awhile. Unfortunately I had a bit to drink and she had a lot to drink and there were some inappropriate propositions from her end which, while flattering, I indulged for much longer than I should. I slept on it and the next day, thinking it through, decided I couldn't risk it and given the circumstances would be the wrong thing to do. I probably did not do a good job letting her down, she was very understanding, I feel awful about it.

This however did give me some impetus to turn things around. Since then i've been exercising every day. I've meditated every morning for 5-10 minutes and i've gotten my diet back on track. I am still restricted by lockdown but my mood is better and the exercises has proved to be a good filler for the various cracks of time in my day. On top of the regular routine, i've been trying out lots of different random routines on Youtube. I'm not really fit enough for most of them but from a 'having fun & self discovery' outlook, it's been great.

I have also introduced 2 habits to my routine to address some insecurities over my weak erectile strength. The first is jump squats, an idea I took from Casanovas journal. The second is regular Kegels in the morning. I found a clip on Youtube with a real time guided workout. I won't go into too much graphic detail but I feel both have made a noticeable difference.

Now for accountability, I relapsed once yesterday which I of course regret. I fell to the end of week 'reward' trap again of course. I however have the tools I need to get me through the weekend without further issues so I will endeavor to stay clean. Other than that, I have had no issues.

I feel like I am missing the 'ignition' that Phineas & Escape so often talk about. Life and my current circumstances feel genuinely exhausting and I don't have a lot of 'fight' in me at the moment. Haven't for some times if i'm honest. I'm not really sure what to do about this.

As I mentioned earlier in August. Dating is something I have been contemplating for awhile and made the decision to start in September. It is now September and I guess it's time for me to put my money where my mouth is. Despite lockdown I am still allowed to go out and 'exercise walk' with someone else for a limited time during the day. Perhaps given my PIED issues, this is a blessing in disguise as it may give me some opportunity for low pressure rewiring.

I am highly nervous and dubious about the whole idea which may actually be a good sign. I don't expect much out of this but I feel this is an area of life I would like to become more confident in. There is intimacy anxiety and fear of rejection issues that I also need to confront so, even if I don't find anyone, this will be a productive exercise for my personal development.

Wishing you all well on your journeys today.
 

Orbiter

Well-Known Member
SEPTEMBER REVIEW - WEEK 2
Today is DAY 5 in my current streak.
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After the last post, I did follow through on my word and signed up for a dating app. I was highly hesitant in doing so but faced my fears and pushed through. I can vouch for the numerous drawbacks, criticisms and awkwardness of it but has been beneficial in these times of isolation. I went for one 'date' (i.e meetup & walk) with someone yesterday. I'm not sure if there was any romantic or sexual chemistry but she was a lot of fun to talk/hang out with. Was nerve-wracking leading up to it but overall a positive experience.

A strong negative of these apps is they are highly addictive. This is compounded by the 'numbers game' attitude you need to take to actually match someone on these things. I believe this lead to the two PMOs on the weekend though it has been easy to stay clean since. If anyone has some advice on how to navigate this issue I would be very appreciative.

Other than that, little to report. Still in lockdown, still exercising, working on projects and doing what I can to stay occupied. Feeling okay today.

Wishing you all well on your journeys.
 

Phineas 808

Respected Member
Hey, Orbiter! Glad you 'got out there' and met someone, even if for the one time.

My advice is simple, 'Know Thyself'. Go on there only with the single purpose in a 'laser-focus' type way toward finding your match...

I don't know myself how they work, but if they use the basic habit encouraging science as all social media do, just watch out for all the little 'bells and whistles' that spike your dopamine. Don't play into their game. Use it, but smartly. Don't allow it to 'use' you, addict you, or be a cue toward PMO.

But it's great you're doing something to meet 'real' women, who are more or less real, lol...! At least they exist outside of the false pixalized world.

Wishing you well, and wishing you strength!
 

Orbiter

Well-Known Member
SEPTEMBER REVIEW - WEEK 3
Today is DAY 12 in my current streak.
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Thanks Phineas and EarthWalker! Having a sort of internal briefing before logging on, reminding myself why i'm there and mindfully using the site for it's intended purpose is yielding improvements. I'm still uncomfortable with the habit encouraging mechanisms but need to remember this is a means to an end of personal development and perhaps even connection! I don't use any social media at all so it's quite eye-opening to me how normal society thinks this stuff all is. Mildly horrifying to me but that's besides the point.

As you say Phineas, 'Know Thyself'.

Due to chats online, walks with friends, projects, work and efforts towards arranging the 'social distanced walking' dates, PMO hasn't been a strong temptation and I have been able to avoid it, even through the dreaded weekend. I am also exercising every day and still meditating every morning upon waking (thanks forceisstrong!) I feel like i'm growing in myself day by day and that's just the way I like it!

Perhaps the dopamine hit from dating sites is somewhat of a sub? Perhaps all the positive activities are giving me a healthier dopamine boost? Perhaps now that i've allowed myself the chance of actual real connection, PMO loses some of it's appeal. Either way, whatever i'm doing seems to be working for now.

I have two dates this weekend that I am incredibly nervous about. Anxieties and doubts about myself, my appearance, experience & value as a person are through the roof but I am reminding myself they are just that. These are some deep fears i'm facing but, no matter how good or bad a job i'm doing, i'm still doing it and that's what matters the most to me right now.

Wishing you all well in your journeys today!
 

Orbiter

Well-Known Member
Thanks Force! I appreciate the encouragement & support. You're a great source of motivation and i'm glad to have you 'in my corner' so to speak.

SEPTEMBER REVIEW - WEEK 4
Today is DAY 19 in my current streak.
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It looks like another 7 days being PMO free has come and gone and, if nothing else, that's always something to feel good about! My libido, MW or anything like that are all more or less non-existent at the moment. As Gabe would say, it's a feeling similar to resting a broken bone. In a way it's a relief but it's also not exactly a comfortable feeling either. Like there's a part of me that should be there but is missing and it throws everything else off.

The problem is not so much the low libido itself (if anything thank goodness for the break) but the low energy, motivation and drive that's associated with it.

I think this is a big part of why I often stumble. Once the chaser urges go, I fall into a tired & depressive slump, give up all the good habits and let myself go. In that place & moment a depressing, half-hard flatline PMO session is just around the corner.

There's also a vague point of anxiety regarding how I will feel once I am out of this flatline and how I am going to handle the urges once they hit. There's not much I can do about that now so i'm trying to focus on more useful considerations.

So this is kind of where i'm at right now. Last week I was going pretty strong but this one I feel drained, empty & overall not that good. While work has been going well enough and i've gotten on top of some good life admin. Exercise has been harder, i'm not taking as good care of myself or doing as much as i'd usually do. I also have not been as pro-active on the dating sites in arranging the walk dates and 'getting out there'. Just not feeling this week...

So what now right?

As tough as it may feel, I know I need to keep pushing now more than ever. I feel like this weekend could be a turning point and staying clean & strong throughout is going to be necessary if i'm to keep going forward.

What i'm doing at the moment seems to be working so far so I think it's a case of making sure I keep doing what i've been doing, even if it doesn't feel good at all. I just need to keep that up until my head feels a bit more balanced. Hopefully that point is only a little while longer away.

All that aside, i'll be 3 weeks clean by the end of this weekend and am excited about more to come. Keep going & stay strong guys!

Wishing you all well on your journeys today.
 

Orbiter

Well-Known Member
OCTOBER REVIEW - WEEK 1
Today is DAY 26 in my current streak.
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Another 7 days being PMO free! Almost 4 weeks clean in the bag. Though the circumstances surrounding it have been less than ideal, September has actually been a pretty good month for me in terms of staying clean. I'm definitely still in a flatline as my mood/energy is still low and there is nothing happening downstairs at all. This for is not a problem to me at the moment though, my current focus is the habit change. I'm sure libido, flatlines & all that will sort themselves out in good time.

The daily exercise, being pro-active about seeking connection through the dating apps, diet, working on projects, the psychological work i've done over this year and everything i've learnt about addiction all seem to have helped towards getting me here. Urges currently feel much easier to manage than they did even two or so weeks ago. Deceptive thoughts creep in but it's so much easier to 'see the forest from the trees' so to speak and dismiss them. Even little bad habits like idle image searching or looking at passing windows for a bit too longer seem to be easier to manage.

Without going into too much detail, the Covid & lock down situation in my city shows no sign of improvement and I fear things will only get worse over the coming weeks. My work hours have been further reduced as well. Also all the people I was in contact with on the apps seem to have gone silent this week. In short, it feels like the world is not being kind to my efforts at recovering at this particular point.

Perhaps in a way this is a blessing in disguise, as this will truly test the resolve of my current commitment. Afterall, if I am to realistically live a life PMO free, I need to have a drive & mindset that is 'world proof', that can't be derailed by the inevitable problems in life that come my way. It needs to be no longer an option and I feel like I am way past ready to be living a life free of it.

I'm thinking of updating the journal twice a week instead of once. I feel the mid-week check in, particularly with my life situation at the moment, would be beneficial for sustaining this momentum during what is still in a fragile infancy.

Wishing you all well in your journeys today.
 

Tylrt09

Member
Hey fellas and orbiter! Congrats on tour progress and journey! I’ve read a few of of your entrys and thought maybe you guys could should some light..

im having trouble really knowing if I have pied or just a mental block.. it’s kinda weird I guess this is really the first time I’m experiencing this I’m 30 .. I’m wondering if medications that I’ve taking have messed me up I was on a haladol shot every month for about 6 months in prison not to mention other psychoactive medications.. that I no longer take.. I guess I noticed it one time a couple years ago but went away when I got comfortable enough but happened with the same girl recently.. anyways I get aroused and erect during foreplay hj and bjs always get me there but the problem now is as soon as I go to put it in I mean like seconds after the decision is made and I’m aware I’m about to stick it in there my guy just dies.. it’s devastating.. now through foreplay I can get hard again I mean pretty quickly too.. but I still get the same results.. I don’t know what to think besides after I got home from prison I started masturbating a lot and of course looking at P a lot and that was normal for me like my whole life since I was 14 ish I’ve been into porn no fetish or anything crazy.. but the worst it’s gotten is like 3 to 4 times a day 5 minute sessions.. so idk I’ve always looked at porn always masturbated sometimes without it too.. I can get O through M without porn.. MW some days .. I guess I don’t know if it’s a mental thing or what.. but I have tried to quit porn and just lost my 7 days .. so tried silidinifal that viagra stuff 60 mg and it’s worked we got there but I did lose my erecrtion when she was on top but that’s common for me.. I guess idk what to do guys I feel at an utter lose.. idk what to do about my brain. So do you guys think I really have pied? Idk thank you so much for all your time reading this for those of who you did.. and good luck everyone .. grateful to have these kind of communities ..
 

46and2

Active Member
Orbital man I feel your struggle. I too wonder what lies beyond the flatline and loss of libido. It does, as you say, feel like losing a part of yourself. I believe recovery is not just an act of hope but an act of faith; some days, weeks or even months we may lose confidence in ourselves, may feel old thoughts and ways of Being crying out for us to come back but thats why faith is so important because faith doesn't necessarily mean blindly following an idea....faith is a choice, a choice that no matter how bad things may get, no matter how shitty we feel and no matter how much the worl feels cold and lonely, we choose to believe that a programme of recovery will give us the power we need to realise a better version of ourselves. Keep your faith and hope alive as they will nourish you in difficult times.....I know one thing for myself, my life has never been good with porn, in fact its been a fucking disaster fraught with pain and selfishness. And so my faith lies in believing that my life, at the very least, can't be any worse without porn and the hope that it can indeed be so much better. You're doing great work my friend. Much love my man.

Tylr; you need to get a journal going buddy, something that you can call your own. I would simply ask you this; if you believe that porn is making your life unmanageable then you have an issue with it and should absolutely try and find a programme of revovery that works for you. If porn is taking from your life than thats all you need to know to stop. Best of luck to you bud.
 

Phineas 808

Respected Member
Perhaps in a way this is a blessing in disguise, as this will truly test the resolve of my current commitment. Afterall, if I am to realistically live a life PMO free, I need to have a drive & mindset that is 'world proof', that can't be derailed by the inevitable problems in life that come my way. It needs to be no longer an option and I feel like I am way past ready to be living a life free of it.

This is a good and healthy perspective, and necessary! I like that term, 'world proof' your recovery efforts. In a sense, that's the whole process of taking back power from 'outside things' that used to make us cave.

This is such an important mindset that even after hitting our goals, nothing magical happens (though we do get super powers ;) ), life still goes on with all its ups and downs. That's why I always view my abstinence challenges as training for real life...

I'm thinking of updating the journal twice a week instead of once. I feel the mid-week check in, particularly with my life situation at the moment, would be beneficial for sustaining this momentum during what is still in a fragile infancy.

It would be great to see you post more often, and track how you're doing. I know I'm often silent myself, but I do come by to see how you're doing...

Congrats, too, on the 4 weeks, Orbiter!
 

Orbiter

Well-Known Member
This is a good and healthy perspective, and necessary! I like that term, 'world proof' your recovery efforts. In a sense, that's the whole process of taking back power from 'outside things' that used to make us cave.

This is such an important mindset that even after hitting our goals, nothing magical happens (though we do get super powers ;) ), life still goes on with all its ups and downs. That's why I always view my abstinence challenges as training for real life...



It would be great to see you post more often, and track how you're doing. I know I'm often silent myself, but I do come by to see how you're doing...

Congrats, too, on the 4 weeks, Orbiter!

Hi Phineas,

Thanks for dropping by. Agreed, agreed, agreed.! Life will still happen and if we don't take the power back as you say, we'll spend the rest of our lives in fear of the next 'trigger'. True recovery is sustainable & something I look forward to one day remembering as a dark & distant period of my life.

Unfortunately I did not pass the test this time as I lapsed this morning. I think the circumstances yesterday along, some cues I saw going through the dating app and a feeling of rejection with my contacts going silent all played a part but i'm not blaming that. In the end, no one had a gun to my head to do this, I did it and need to make sure I face this situation differently next time.

It's always a disappointing feeling after working so hard for a month to be back in this place but I do have a responsibility in both the lapse as well as I what I do to get back on track.

I will be posting more regularly, at least for this period of time.

Wishing you all well.
 

Phineas 808

Respected Member
I certainly know the feeling, Orbiter! But a month is awesome progress, right? It does feel disappointing, but you're not necessarily 'back in that place', as you carry your recent progress with you.

I've found the same need, when I may want to hang back and come here less often, to reverse that for a time when needed, and come more often. It's like any battle field, when the winds shift, or the circumstances change, you have to change with it and be flexible for what's needed in the moment.

Rooting for you in your new found successes!
 

Orbiter

Well-Known Member
I certainly know the feeling, Orbiter! But a month is awesome progress, right? It does feel disappointing, but you're not necessarily 'back in that place', as you carry your recent progress with you.

I've found the same need, when I may want to hang back and come here less often, to reverse that for a time when needed, and come more often. It's like any battle field, when the winds shift, or the circumstances change, you have to change with it and be flexible for what's needed in the moment.

Rooting for you in your new found successes!

Thanks Phineas. You're right, a month is certainly progress. Especially so by my standards.

It's crazy isn't it! This is an achievement I should be celebrating not beating myself up over. Not only did I do an month clean but I mustered the courage to give dating a go and met some women, i'm in great physical shape from a month of exercising & eating properly every day, the meditation is going great, work is difficult now but I am getting a lot of positive feedback from my efforts, i've been working on music. September turned out to be a good month.

I guess the area of solving the PIED & making these habits consistent is where a lot of the disappointment & frustration comes from. I'm so sick of PMO, I find it so depressing to even watch it. The emotional rollercoaster of quitting/withdrawal/relapse is exhausting and it's tough to snap back when you feel like you're staring down the barrel of yet another(!!!) month of fighting through withdrawals, low energy & awful mood.

Still, it is what it is. What I need to do now is focus on the positives and remember that I now have methods & activities that carried me through (almost) one month with a lot of collateral benefit along the way. Hopefully these days clean have weakened the pathways somewhat and will make it at least a bit easier this time around.
 
Hey, Orbiter, we all slip once in a while, it's part of the recovery I think. Just get back to the life you want to life and don't be too hard on yourself.

I watched this short video recently. Legendary Italian goalkeeper Gigi Buffon talks about his fight against depression/mental illness.

It's a really inspiring video and I think a lot of it relates to the battle we're going through too. I took a lot out of it anyways.


Keep fighting the good fight, brother.
 

Orbiter

Well-Known Member
Okay so I was going to leave the mid-week update until tomorrow but I feel I need to come back sooner as I PMOed this morning again. I could wait until Friday but I need to be accountable for this. I PMOed three times on Saturday and one today, that's four times which is already more than last month. I'm not too happy about that.

So the familiar pattern repeats itself right? Relapse into old behaviours for the next two months until I find myself at square minus seven and am low enough to pull myself out of it?

Not this time!

After I PMOed again, I pulled the plug on the internet. Got off the computer and mediated, completed a lot of housework i've been putting off, got the shopping done and fit in a combined one hour of exercise. Afterwards I went out, got a coffee & some food which I had in a park as the sun went down.

I don't think there's much behind this lapse other than I haven't been handling the chaser effects as well as I can and should. I am also spending too much time on the computer in general. I need to 'unplug from the matrix' a bit and be present in life a bit more. These lapses are an unfortunate reminder of some those bad habits creeping back in.

Thanks to everybody for your continuing support, it means so much to me at times like this. It is however time to get my shit back together, I won't let you guys down.
 

46and2

Active Member
I think that was a great move from you not allowing yourself to spiral after your most recent use and just getting on witg it and getting on with it. After a lapse thats the best thing one can do! Also totally agree with limiting computer use; this whole enterprise isn't just about quitting porn, its about learning to live again. Much love man; be kind to yourself and keep moving forward.
 

Orbiter

Well-Known Member
OCTOBER REVIEW - WEEK 2
Today is DAY 0 in my current streak.
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Okay so clearly this week has not panned out as I would have hoped.

Though I have obviously not been able to stay clean at all. I have been keeping up most of the good habits I said I would. Perhaps this week would've been worse without it. I'd like to think that perhaps means this hasn’t been a complete relapse into old patterns.

I'm not sure if it's the accumulated days clean, accumulated days PMOing over the last couple of years, desensitization, constant flatlining or whatever but I am finding I don't seem to get very aroused by P anymore beyond the initial one or two minute 'hit' of looking at it at.

It's like, when I lapse, I do so seeking the memory of that immersion, escape & sustained pleasure but it's never there and I find myself getting bored halfway through.

Need to get out of this tailspin and turn things around.
 
I feel you, man. The urges promise a great porn session but after a while the high goes way the fuck down and I regret starting in the first place. How I should resist the temptation is the key.
 

Orbiter

Well-Known Member
I feel you, man. The urges promise a great porn session but after a while the high goes way the fuck down and I regret starting in the first place. How I should resist the temptation is the key.

It's madness isn't it! Falling for the same mistake a million times over and over. Still, i'm a long way from giving up and I know you are too Escape. We'll escape from this awful habit one of these days.

The longer we're clean, the easier it will get and as long as we don't give up, we will break this habit down and ultimately we will be the last ones standing.

Stay strong Escape.
 
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