Orbiters Journal of Recovery

Orbiter

Well-Known Member
I don't have much time to post this morning unfortunately but it is DAY 3 and I am here once again renewing my commitment to staying clean & PMO free. Things feel a little turbulent urge & mood-wise but I must admit I feel much better than I would've had I chose to PMO on Sunday. I fell this is a good lesson to learn for me moving forward.

Wishing you all well today.
 

Escapeandnevercomeback

Well-Known Member
I don't have much time to post this morning unfortunately but it is DAY 3 and I am here once again renewing my commitment to staying clean & PMO free. Things feel a little turbulent urge & mood-wise but I must admit I feel much better than I would've had I chose to PMO on Sunday. I fell this is a good lesson to learn for me moving forward.

Wishing you all well today.
Great, man! Keep going.
 

Orbiter

Well-Known Member
Thanks Escape!

DAY 4 today. It's been a very busy week so far, which has been great for this stage of rebooting though perhaps not so much for thoughtful, involved journaling. Mood & energy has been somewhat up and down but with my morning exercise & meditation routine I am managing it much better than I have in the past. Anyway I am here once again renewing my commitment to staying clean & PMO free.

Wishing you all well.
 

Orbiter

Well-Known Member
NOVEMBER - WEEK 4
Today is DAY 5 in my current streak.
PMO
P
M
O
5
1
0
0

No PMOs this week or anything apart from that instance of looking at P on Sunday. This morning was really one of those 'woke up on the wrong side of the bed' kind of mornings. Just opened my eyes and didn't feel like it at all. Dragged myself out of bed anyway and did most of my routine, came on here to recommit with you all as witness to staying clean & PMO free. I'll do the rest after. I don't think it's anything particularly worrisome, just feeling a little more tired than usual at the end of the week.

These choices I believe are more important, at least to me, than they may at first seem. I was forced to decide between:

A) Something that would better my life and meaningfully improve my situation but would feel absolutely awful at the time (exercise, meditation, making time for myself by getting out of bed)

B) Something that would feel good/comfortable and make me feel better in the moment but ultimately not improve the day or maybe even make it worse (sleeping in, PMO, lazing on the couch, aimless Youtube etc)

I think when you invest yourself in a commitment like that and reach a certain point of mastery, it's hard to turn back because the decision is so clear and the proven benefits so far outweigh the odds. So in this case, it not a matter if or whether I was going to exercise or not, the only real question was when.

This is the kind of mindset I need cultivate to say no to this addiction in moments of weakness. I don't need it and it doesn't make me feel better. I know this. The more times I make the choice not to, especially in moments of weakness, the weaker the habit becomes and the stronger my resolve is to say no.

In every moment and every one of the many stages of a lapse, there is a choice and (though it isn't an excuse to do these things) even if you just watched an hour of P or if you're just about to, heck even if half way into a full-blown PMO session there is ALWAYS the choice to stop, there is always the choice to say no.

Wishing you all well today.
 

Phineas 808

Respected Member
This is the kind of mindset I need cultivate to say no to this addiction in moments of weakness. I don't need it and it doesn't make me feel better. I know this. The more times I make the choice not to, especially in moments of weakness, the weaker the habit becomes and the stronger my resolve is to say no.

Good job, Oribiter! Consistency is key. Repetition is what got us into this mess, and repetition is what's going to get us out.

In every moment and every one of the many stages of a lapse, there is a choice and (though it isn't an excuse to do these things) even if you just watched an hour of P or if you're just about to, heck even if half way into a full-blown PMO session there is ALWAYS the choice to stop, there is always the choice to say no.

I definitely agree with this, Orbiter! Being able to hack into our habit is key to understanding ourselves, regaining that sense of control, and breaking down the [former] ritual.

In that direction I've worked with ERP (Exposure Response Prevention) in order to learn how to dismiss urges, I've set timers (3 minutes max) even in the process of acting out to PMO! Instead of fighting it, which only strengthens it, I've set a timer to at least interupt the obsessive compulsions that were my addiction.

For me, while I've never been diagnosed with OCD, I've studied that disease and how folk overcome their rituals in order to understand my own addiction. I've found such an affiinity between eating disorders, OCD, and other addictions or anxiety disorders that helped me to understand my situation, and hack into it.

You got this, Orbiter!
 

Escapeandnevercomeback

Well-Known Member
Good job, Oribiter! Consistency is key. Repetition is what got us into this mess, and repetition is what's going to get us out.



I definitely agree with this, Orbiter! Being able to hack into our habit is key to understanding ourselves, regaining that sense of control, and breaking down the [former] ritual.

In that direction I've worked with ERP (Exposure Response Prevention) in order to learn how to dismiss urges, I've set timers (3 minutes max) even in the process of acting out to PMO! Instead of fighting it, which only strengthens it, I've set a timer to at least interupt the obsessive compulsions that were my addiction.

For me, while I've never been diagnosed with OCD, I've studied that disease and how folk overcome their rituals in order to understand my own addiction. I've found such an affiinity between eating disorders, OCD, and other addictions or anxiety disorders that helped me to understand my situation, and hack into it.

You got this, Orbiter!
Definitely. Discipline in making the break of habit repetitive. This porn habit has an element of repetition. I look how I tend to relapse and I see the same things in it, my routine is actually pretty much the same all the time. So, yes, I definitely agree.
 
Last edited:

Orbiter

Well-Known Member
Hi all. I really didn't want to make this post but unfortunately I PMOed twice, more or less in a row yesterday. It was actually relatively early in the day that it happened. I think I was just really tired and didn't really have my defenses up.

I think this highlights a pitfall of this routine. There will inevitably be days where I need to actually rest. The question I need to ask now is how can I do this in a way that doesn't endanger my reboot? Should I instead be on managing energy during the week in some way so I don't get to that point in the first place? Maybe I just need to not be near a computer when I am that tired...at least for a while.

Anyways DAY 1 here and i'm renewing my commitment to this once again. Here's to today being a PMO free day.

Wishing you all well.
 

Escapeandnevercomeback

Well-Known Member
I'm
It's DAY 2

Nothing to report today other than staying clean hasn't been a problem so far. Hope you're all doing well too.
Yes, staying clean might not be a problem on day 2, it rarely is for me when alcohol isn't involved, our problem is day 20 or whatever. What day 20? I can't even go past a week lately. I like to say this: When the mind moves from being uncomfortable to being comfortable again, it refuses to go back to being uncomfortable. This describes me. I went 50 days without porn but I suffered with massive urges. I relapsed and then my mind didn't even want to touch that again, I haven't been able to even equal that streak. Since then I've been dreading the idea of going days and days with massive urges. I know there is no other way out without this. I know this very well. I guess, It's easier to keep going when things are uncomfortable than to get out of there because it gets super hard to jump back in.
 

Orbiter

Well-Known Member
Hey Escape, thanks for dropping by!

Re your point about days, personally I choose to deal with day 20 when i'm at day 20. If we're worrying about something that hasn't happened yet, it is most likely the case that our brains are already making it into a bigger problem than it is. You get what I mean?

Thoughts like "how am I going to do ___ number of days when i'm feeling like ____ and I am only at day ___ and I can't even make it to day ____" are basically one of the first steps towards relapsing into old patterns of behaviour. And i'm not being high and mighty about this either. I've been there! Many posts in my journal to prove it.

The mind creates a false narrative that it's just too hard to do and, in a moment of weakness, this provides the perfect excuse to give in and give up. I've talked about this in this journal many times before.

This is known as catastrophizing, you can read up on it here - https://www.healthline.com/health/anxiety/catastrophizing

I mean, what's really going to magically happen when we reach 90 days anyway? Are we going to wake up at 90 days with a beautiful wife, family, amazing job, shredded physique or some other ideal of what a dream life is?

90 days is just a number and there is living proof everywhere on this site of that.

Life doesn't start after 90 days. It's now, it's fleeting and I worry sometimes reading your posts that you're waiting to reach some milestone of being clean before you can live your life. If this is true, don't!

Instead, perhaps look at the example of someone like Phineas and adopt a 'set & forget' strategy. Once that's done do some pushups or a minute of planks before brushing your teeth or having breakfast. Get on a dating site and meet some real women. Get on Youtube and learn a skill you've always wanted. Read up on psychology, get a therapist and proactively work on your problems. Learn a language. Visit a place you've always wanted to go. There are so many things you could do today if you chose.

Live your life, manage the urges when they arise and if you lapse or PMO, post here with a how, a why & what you will do differently next time.

Your life is yours and yours alone Escape, don't let it slip away.

P.S. - DAY 3 today. I am committing to staying clean today no matter what comes my way. Looking forward to returning here tomorrow and posting that i've successfully done so.

Wishing you all well.
 
Last edited:

Escapeandnevercomeback

Well-Known Member
Hey Escape, thanks for dropping by!

Re your point about days, personally I choose to deal with day 20 when i'm at day 20. If we're worrying about something that hasn't happened yet, it is most likely the case that our brains are already making it into a bigger problem than it is. You get what I mean?

Thoughts like "how am I going to do ___ number of days when i'm feeling like ____ and I am only at day ___ and I can't even make it to day ____" are basically one of the first steps towards relapsing into old patterns of behaviour. And i'm not being high and mighty about this either. I've been there! Many posts in my journal to prove it.

The mind creates a false narrative that it's just too hard to do and, in a moment of weakness, this provides the perfect excuse to give in and give up. I've talked about this in this journal many times before.

This is known as catastrophizing, you can read up on it here - https://www.healthline.com/health/anxiety/catastrophizing

I mean, what's really going to magically happen when we reach 90 days anyway? Are we going to wake up at 90 days with a beautiful wife, family, amazing job, shredded physique or some other ideal of what a dream life is?

90 days is just a number and there is living proof everywhere on this site of that.

Life doesn't start after 90 days. It's now, it's fleeting and I worry sometimes reading your posts that you're waiting to reach some milestone of being clean before you can live your life. If this is true, don't!

Instead, perhaps look at the example of someone like Phineas and adopt a 'set & forget' strategy. Once that's done do some pushups or a minute of planks before brushing your teeth or having breakfast. Get on a dating site and meet some real women. Get on Youtube and learn a skill you've always wanted. Read up on psychology, get a therapist and proactively work on your problems. Learn a language. Visit a place you've always wanted to go. There are so many things you could do today if you chose.

Live your life, manage the urges when they arise and if you lapse or PMO, post here with a how, a why & what you will do differently next time.

Your life is yours and yours alone Escape, don't let it slip away.

P.S. - DAY 3 today. I am committing to staying clean today no matter what comes my way. Looking forward to returning here tomorrow and posting that i've successfully done so.

Wishing you all well.
Definitely, man. I understand what you mean.
 

Orbiter

Well-Known Member
DAY 4 today and i'm happy to say i'm still clean & PMO free. Very busy & tired this morning due largely to work & circumstances out of my control. I need to start getting some better sleeps as I don't want a repeat of last weekend to happen. All the same, I am refocusing & recommitting myself this morning to making today another PMO-free day. Really want to start building some momentum again after the last couple of months.

Wishing you all well today.
 

Phineas 808

Respected Member
Re your point about days, personally I choose to deal with day 20 when i'm at day 20.

I'm a big proponent of celebrating Day 1, lol...! Any amount of days free from P, PMO, MO are a win!

As long as we're getting up and going, and not giving up and indulging, that's what we want. We may have a moment, a day, a period of days of weakness and lapsing, but can we regain control? Do we want to? Deep down inside, even while acting out, most of us know we are better than this.

At day 90, which I've been to multiple times, (even day 300+), there were inner issues and brokenness that kept completely healing from this addiction difficult for me. But the lengthier streaks are definitely part of breaking up this habit and a sign that progress is being made.

Today, I can't say that I won't ever use again. But I am serious toward myself enough to try. I would however work against myself if I don't believe that I can. We have to believe we can, and therefore celebrate even the smallest of victories.

If we seem stuck around a certain day of the week, or seem to always lapse after the same amount of time, we can reevaluate our methods and our motivation. But we should always approach this thing with a positive attitude, and ourselves with compassion, as if we were our best friend.

Using pornography encourages us to hate ourselves, so to beat this thing, love yourself no matter what!
 

Orbiter

Well-Known Member
END OF NOVEMBER REVIEW
PMO
P
M
O
7
1
0
0

Another November has come to a close and, while the stats are far from ideal, I think it is still a considerable improvement on October. Though there only a few 'lapses' this month, most involved 2 or so PMOs in succession hence the numbers being what they are. I am bouncing back from the lapses much quicker as I tend to be completely clean 6 out of 7 days of the week but the weekend is still proving to be problematic. This clearly needs to be my next point of focus.
 

Orbiter

Well-Known Member
DECEMBER - WEEK 1
Today is DAY 6 in my current streak.
PMO
P
M
O
0
0
0
0

And so a new month begins. Early days yet but no lapses or issues here. Due to the exercise, early mornings, work and the busy end-of-year schedule, i'm definitely feeling higher levels of exhaustion than I have before. Interestingly, that in itself doesn't seem to be as much of a trigger/cue as it has been. Idleness/procrastination on the weekend mixed with this exhaustion seems to be where things start to really go wrong these days.

The question is, how can I find a way to get a restful, relaxing day in a way that doesn't lead to PMO. No solid answers just yet but I am thinking instead focusing more on the meditation aspect of the morning routine, getting some walks or a hike in, reading, doing some activities outside the apartment. Being active but doing enjoyable or relaxing things that don't involve stress or work.

I'm not putting blanket bans on computer use or anything like that but I think I need to make sure whenever i'm switching it on over the weekend, it is for a particular purpose i,e "I am turning on the computer to check my emails & do my banking" or "I am turning on the computer to work on a particular music or programming project" or "I am turning the computer on to watch this movie or tv show" and making sure I stick to the intended purpose. I think this would even, putting the addiction aside, be a good habit for me to cultivate.

Other than that, just need to dismiss the urges as they arise.

Wishing you all well today.
 

Orbiter

Well-Known Member
MOed this morning half awake in bed. While I realise that once again it's far from ideal, as it did not involve P, P fantasy, P-subs, escort sites or any form of P related artificial stimuli, I have decided I will NOT reset my counter. I do need to be somewhat vigilant that this doesn't escalate or I fall to any chaser urges but other than that, I will continue to move forward PMO free.

After the MO, I cleaned up and went back to sleep. When I woke up the second time, I began the day properly with some meditation, a nice breakfast and posting on here to renew my commitment in front of you all once again to staying clean. Today is DAY 7

Wishing you all well.
 

stepbystep

Active Member
MOed this morning half awake in bed. While I realise that once again it's far from ideal, as it did not involve P, P fantasy, P-subs, escort sites or any form of P related artificial stimuli
I struggled with this behavior a lot in the past. One thing that helped me was reading uplifting books before bed and during the night when I'm struggling with going to sleep or fantasizing. Usually, I'm very vulnerable in bed when I'm half-awake so this has always been tough for me.

I have decided I will NOT reset my counter. I do need to be somewhat vigilant that this doesn't escalate or I fall to any chaser urges but other than that, I will continue to move forward PMO free.
This is great and moves away from all or nothing thinking. I find it so easy to fall back and relapse when I'm hard on myself and engage in all or nothing thinking. Recovery is not linear and not perfect.

I've found it helpful to have multiple counters, but it's a personal choice. Whatever is most helpful for your recovery.
 

Orbiter

Well-Known Member
I struggled with this behavior a lot in the past. One thing that helped me was reading uplifting books before bed and during the night when I'm struggling with going to sleep or fantasizing. Usually, I'm very vulnerable in bed when I'm half-awake so this has always been tough for me.


This is great and moves away from all or nothing thinking. I find it so easy to fall back and relapse when I'm hard on myself and engage in all or nothing thinking. Recovery is not linear and not perfect.

I've found it helpful to have multiple counters, but it's a personal choice. Whatever is most helpful for your recovery.
Hi Step,

I'll look into the reading. Honest though I don't feel it's something I do often enough to say I struggle with. Porn addiction is the primary issue, it's why i'm here. While there are better things I could be doing with my time & energy, I don't have any issues with MOing as an activity and if it weren't for the correlation between that behaviour and PMO and the way it slows recovery, I probably wouldn't abstain. There's more than a coincidental link between 'perfectionism' and self-sabotage and sometimes I think we need to just accept that things happen and move forward a little more vigilant.

Counting is definitely important though I am finding using my spreadsheet model as the primary accountability tool with a secondary counter accompanying it more useful & constructive personally. I feel counters on their own, without anything else don't give an accurate picture of progress and can in many cases be discouraging and lead to that unhealthy all-or-nothing mentality. An additional problem i've found is it also creates an accountability blind spot to bingeing & edging as the frequency & severity isn't conveyed through a day counter. If you keep track of PMOs, edging or whatever, you have to put each time down and it means you're holding yourself truly accountable for everything you do.

Regarding the MO, I'll add it to the chart in my next weekly review.

So it's DAY 8 today and the final day of my weekend. Feeling unusually tired & drained both today & yesterday but I think that is more than anything else the week catching up with me. With one last day to make it through, I am renewing my commitment today to make it through this weekend PMO free and (almost) clean.

Wishing you all well today.
 
Top