Dear @Orbiter ,Thanks for all your support.
I need to be honest that i've basically relapsed over the last fortnight. I have been PMOing almost every day since the start of the year. I haven't been exercising, I haven't been doing much of anything. My mind & body seem to have just said 'no more'. I made a decision in the end to leave it.
I actually feel like as of late, the harder I try, the worse the binge that follows.
I threw out all of my alcohol a few days ago and haven't had a drink since the planned last drinks with my friend. I don't miss it and I don't think I will.
PMO has been regular. The nature of it is habitual & unmemorable. It's pure mindless impulse at this point, like something else just takes control.
It's been a disappointing start to the year. I'm genuinely exasperated at how, especially after all the work i've done and all i've put into this over all these years, page after page of this journal and the others on other forums in the past, how I am still here.
I at a loss as to how I got here or for that matter how to get myself out of it.
This is the first time, in all the years of 'recovery', that i'm actually starting to lose hope I can beat this.
Please don’t be disheartened by your recent setbacks . These set backs are not telling you that you won’t be able to make it .
the fact that you hit 12 days clean streak , had you not been striving for it you might have been in trenches and miserable over 6/12 of those days or even worse 10/12 of those days .
I agree that we reset the counter to a big Zero each time we relapse and we should . But the point is we won so many daily battles before the big relapse .
We earned so many clean days as we peaked out into a relapse . Is that not an achievement that we actually earned may be 4,5,6 or even 10 clean days on our way to a relapse ? I feel it is some sort of achievement for sure compared to a guy who relapses every other night to PMO .
so we are all better than someone but also behind a few others Let us keep striving for the summit .
we are all headed there to the summit of 100 days clean streak.
And we will make the summit -
“One by One”
you may hit the summit after next 4 or 45,000 relapses and I may hit it after next 5 or 50,000 relapses who knows . We don’t know .
Let’s keep marching my friend . Keep up your good work as you’ve been doing last year no problem at all . Never say “No this is not for me!”
The day we say those words we loose .