Day 3 today as I relapsed twice after I last posted.
Hey Imsor, thanks for dropping by.
Re the difficulty getting hard, it seems it's either the case of me relapsing at the beginning of a flatline or, if you are correct, the symptoms & addiction are actually getting WORSE despite the work I have been doing or days i've been clean. That is a depressing thought.
You're right in that there clearly needs to be a number of clean days for the addiction to weaken. 7 days here, 3 days there, 14 days here, 21 days there etc. clearly is not enough to make a difference and even one relapse right now has a profound effect. The MO-ing last time around clearly did not help either and I will have to stop that for a period. Unfortunate as it is my only sexual outlet.
So if we assume that the cause for the relapse is that the addiction has become too strong, clearly what needs to occur is a long, sustained streak of days clean to weaken the hold it has over my brain.
It seems I am unable to do this at this point. Do I simply dust myself off and try again or do I need to stop and consider why?
A common narrative I have noticed reading the journal of rebooters more successful than myself on this forum is they often seem to have families, partners or generally are in situations in life where they have quite an active life that, through rebooting, they gradually 'rediscover' over the course of their time being clean. They have this life that they are neglecting as a result of their addiction and reconnecting with it becomes it's own reward.
I feel like this is not the case with my own. It is despite my efforts over the years, quite empty in many respects. There is no GF, wife or partner to devote my attention to, there is no family waiting for me to spend time with them. There is no strong career or creative/musical happenings that are awaiting my attention & focus.
What the addiction has robbed me of is the promise of this.
It sometimes feels like there's nothing tangible to look forward to on the other side of recovery. Perhaps this is why it's so easy in times of stress, depression & fatigue to, in a crucial moment, simply give up and relapse yet again, try again tomorrow etc.
Granted I think there is a 'chicken-egg' element to this in that the addiction, as well as close to a decade trying and failing to recover from it, has meant I have not addressed any of this this and perhaps i've been stuck on 'recovery-ism' and procrastinating on improving other things.
I was quite tired after work yesterday. I got home and lay in bed. While there, there was an overwhelming urge to get the laptop and waste a couple of hours watching Youtube (which would probably lead to a relapse). I did not do so but I think this highlights a problem of my recovery which is - even without PMO I am still living the same life & repeating the same bad habits & cycles that I was an addict. Most people at my age would not even have the time for such a situation.
If there is no life for me to reconnect with, I have to create one.
Part of this I think is I have to make some changes to my routine and lifestyle. The first change is I have started getting up an hour earlier & going to bed an hour earlier. I am using the extra uninterrupted time in the morning to get all of my internet & journaling things out of the way as well as fit in some exercise. If I can get some of these things out of the way in the morning and begin the day with some positive momentum, i'm hoping this will free up the latter part of my day to socializing & engaging with new activities & routines in ways I haven't in the past.
Porn is most definitely NOT an option to me. The different is, in my case at least, I think there are some other changes that need to occur so I can meaningfully stand behind that commitment.
Hey Imsor, thanks for dropping by.
Re the difficulty getting hard, it seems it's either the case of me relapsing at the beginning of a flatline or, if you are correct, the symptoms & addiction are actually getting WORSE despite the work I have been doing or days i've been clean. That is a depressing thought.
You're right in that there clearly needs to be a number of clean days for the addiction to weaken. 7 days here, 3 days there, 14 days here, 21 days there etc. clearly is not enough to make a difference and even one relapse right now has a profound effect. The MO-ing last time around clearly did not help either and I will have to stop that for a period. Unfortunate as it is my only sexual outlet.
So if we assume that the cause for the relapse is that the addiction has become too strong, clearly what needs to occur is a long, sustained streak of days clean to weaken the hold it has over my brain.
It seems I am unable to do this at this point. Do I simply dust myself off and try again or do I need to stop and consider why?
A common narrative I have noticed reading the journal of rebooters more successful than myself on this forum is they often seem to have families, partners or generally are in situations in life where they have quite an active life that, through rebooting, they gradually 'rediscover' over the course of their time being clean. They have this life that they are neglecting as a result of their addiction and reconnecting with it becomes it's own reward.
I feel like this is not the case with my own. It is despite my efforts over the years, quite empty in many respects. There is no GF, wife or partner to devote my attention to, there is no family waiting for me to spend time with them. There is no strong career or creative/musical happenings that are awaiting my attention & focus.
What the addiction has robbed me of is the promise of this.
It sometimes feels like there's nothing tangible to look forward to on the other side of recovery. Perhaps this is why it's so easy in times of stress, depression & fatigue to, in a crucial moment, simply give up and relapse yet again, try again tomorrow etc.
Granted I think there is a 'chicken-egg' element to this in that the addiction, as well as close to a decade trying and failing to recover from it, has meant I have not addressed any of this this and perhaps i've been stuck on 'recovery-ism' and procrastinating on improving other things.
I was quite tired after work yesterday. I got home and lay in bed. While there, there was an overwhelming urge to get the laptop and waste a couple of hours watching Youtube (which would probably lead to a relapse). I did not do so but I think this highlights a problem of my recovery which is - even without PMO I am still living the same life & repeating the same bad habits & cycles that I was an addict. Most people at my age would not even have the time for such a situation.
If there is no life for me to reconnect with, I have to create one.
Part of this I think is I have to make some changes to my routine and lifestyle. The first change is I have started getting up an hour earlier & going to bed an hour earlier. I am using the extra uninterrupted time in the morning to get all of my internet & journaling things out of the way as well as fit in some exercise. If I can get some of these things out of the way in the morning and begin the day with some positive momentum, i'm hoping this will free up the latter part of my day to socializing & engaging with new activities & routines in ways I haven't in the past.
Porn is most definitely NOT an option to me. The different is, in my case at least, I think there are some other changes that need to occur so I can meaningfully stand behind that commitment.