Day 1 :/
Unfortunately I PMOed once last night right at the end of day 6. I am more unhappy with this than the previous lapse as it is indicative of the 'end of the week, life sucks, reward yourself, it doesn't really matter anyway' cycle and that I am still well and truly trapped in. Dissapointing.
I have found that, in returning to the forums, I am falling into old patterns of checking in more often than I should, reading more into peoples responses (or non-responses) than I should, and am using 'recovery' and this website as yet another means to procrastinate.
This is also counter-productive in that it is giving the addiction too much power in my mind and in turn instilling a false belief that quitting porn is this huge, terrifying, difficult and, in my subconsciously mind, impossible thing to do. You don't have to look to far on this forum to see examples of others doing this too. A recipe for failure if I ever saw one.
This ties in to what you were asking about leisure. Though I prefer to think of it as a passion rather than leisure, making/producing music is my main non-work interest. I also like drawing & art, reading, cooking, exercise, electronics, messing around with computers (was getting into a lot of Linux stuff in my break and I have a Raspberry Pi I like to experiment with), film, working on developing martial arts into an interest too. There's probably some i'm forgetting but i'm a naturally curious person, I get bored easily and I like to try new things so I have developed a lot of interests over the years.
It honestly frustrates me, I have SO MANY better things to be doing, that I like doing, that I should be doing, instead of PMOing or browsing garbage on Youtube but I have unfortunately conditioned myself to live like this and it is normalised by the way most of modern society lives.
I should be using this time that I am sober and away from work doing these things. Not pulling my hair out over relapses or day counters.
Recovery-ism is a well known trap that a lot of us fall into. I have a tendency to become quite obsessive over projects & goals I invest myself into and you can tell by the now 32 (!!) pages of this journal (which is in itself a mere snapshop of 9 years of trying/failing/trying/failing/trying/failing) rebooting is no exception.
In an effort to turn my focus more towards life beyond recovery, I am going to try something different which is reduce my posting to weekly instead of daily. Posting daily has served me well in the past but I feel it's become a crutch in itself and that every post I make or reflection I have is a repetition of something 2 or 3 pages back.
So...
* I'm going to make today my weekly recovery day from this point and see if I can bring some balance back into my life.
* If I am having some sort of personal or recovery emergency, I can break this rule and post.
* I will keep a spreadsheet of P, MOs & PMOs from here on out as well and I will report progress weekly. (NOTE: Though they are not necessarily helpful, I do not consider MO or any other form of O a lapse).
Wishing you all well. See you in a week!
EDIT: Grammar
Unfortunately I PMOed once last night right at the end of day 6. I am more unhappy with this than the previous lapse as it is indicative of the 'end of the week, life sucks, reward yourself, it doesn't really matter anyway' cycle and that I am still well and truly trapped in. Dissapointing.
I have found that, in returning to the forums, I am falling into old patterns of checking in more often than I should, reading more into peoples responses (or non-responses) than I should, and am using 'recovery' and this website as yet another means to procrastinate.
This is also counter-productive in that it is giving the addiction too much power in my mind and in turn instilling a false belief that quitting porn is this huge, terrifying, difficult and, in my subconsciously mind, impossible thing to do. You don't have to look to far on this forum to see examples of others doing this too. A recipe for failure if I ever saw one.
This ties in to what you were asking about leisure. Though I prefer to think of it as a passion rather than leisure, making/producing music is my main non-work interest. I also like drawing & art, reading, cooking, exercise, electronics, messing around with computers (was getting into a lot of Linux stuff in my break and I have a Raspberry Pi I like to experiment with), film, working on developing martial arts into an interest too. There's probably some i'm forgetting but i'm a naturally curious person, I get bored easily and I like to try new things so I have developed a lot of interests over the years.
It honestly frustrates me, I have SO MANY better things to be doing, that I like doing, that I should be doing, instead of PMOing or browsing garbage on Youtube but I have unfortunately conditioned myself to live like this and it is normalised by the way most of modern society lives.
I should be using this time that I am sober and away from work doing these things. Not pulling my hair out over relapses or day counters.
Recovery-ism is a well known trap that a lot of us fall into. I have a tendency to become quite obsessive over projects & goals I invest myself into and you can tell by the now 32 (!!) pages of this journal (which is in itself a mere snapshop of 9 years of trying/failing/trying/failing/trying/failing) rebooting is no exception.
In an effort to turn my focus more towards life beyond recovery, I am going to try something different which is reduce my posting to weekly instead of daily. Posting daily has served me well in the past but I feel it's become a crutch in itself and that every post I make or reflection I have is a repetition of something 2 or 3 pages back.
So...
* I'm going to make today my weekly recovery day from this point and see if I can bring some balance back into my life.
* If I am having some sort of personal or recovery emergency, I can break this rule and post.
* I will keep a spreadsheet of P, MOs & PMOs from here on out as well and I will report progress weekly. (NOTE: Though they are not necessarily helpful, I do not consider MO or any other form of O a lapse).
Wishing you all well. See you in a week!
EDIT: Grammar
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