Haha looks like my journals been hijacked! Better take it back...
SEPTEMBER REVIEW - WEEK 1
Today is DAY 1 in my current streak.
After my last post, my mood slipped much lower though I did not lapse or fall into relapse afterwards. I reached out to a colleague i've known for many years over the phone who i've been concerned about for awhile. Unfortunately I had a bit to drink and she had a lot to drink and there were some inappropriate propositions from her end which, while flattering, I indulged for much longer than I should. I slept on it and the next day, thinking it through, decided I couldn't risk it and given the circumstances would be the wrong thing to do. I probably did not do a good job letting her down, she was very understanding, I feel awful about it.
This however did give me some impetus to turn things around. Since then i've been exercising every day. I've meditated every morning for 5-10 minutes and i've gotten my diet back on track. I am still restricted by lockdown but my mood is better and the exercises has proved to be a good filler for the various cracks of time in my day. On top of the regular routine, i've been trying out lots of different random routines on Youtube. I'm not really fit enough for most of them but from a 'having fun & self discovery' outlook, it's been great.
I have also introduced 2 habits to my routine to address some insecurities over my weak erectile strength. The first is jump squats, an idea I took from Casanovas journal. The second is regular Kegels in the morning. I found a clip on Youtube with a real time guided workout. I won't go into too much graphic detail but I feel both have made a noticeable difference.
Now for accountability, I relapsed once yesterday which I of course regret. I fell to the end of week 'reward' trap again of course. I however have the tools I need to get me through the weekend without further issues so I will endeavor to stay clean. Other than that, I have had no issues.
I feel like I am missing the 'ignition' that Phineas & Escape so often talk about. Life and my current circumstances feel genuinely exhausting and I don't have a lot of 'fight' in me at the moment. Haven't for some times if i'm honest. I'm not really sure what to do about this.
As I mentioned earlier in August. Dating is something I have been contemplating for awhile and made the decision to start in September. It is now September and I guess it's time for me to put my money where my mouth is. Despite lockdown I am still allowed to go out and 'exercise walk' with someone else for a limited time during the day. Perhaps given my PIED issues, this is a blessing in disguise as it may give me some opportunity for low pressure rewiring.
I am highly nervous and dubious about the whole idea which may actually be a good sign. I don't expect much out of this but I feel this is an area of life I would like to become more confident in. There is intimacy anxiety and fear of rejection issues that I also need to confront so, even if I don't find anyone, this will be a productive exercise for my personal development.
Wishing you all well on your journeys today.
SEPTEMBER REVIEW - WEEK 1
Today is DAY 1 in my current streak.
PMO | P | M | O |
1 | 0 | 0 | 0 |
After my last post, my mood slipped much lower though I did not lapse or fall into relapse afterwards. I reached out to a colleague i've known for many years over the phone who i've been concerned about for awhile. Unfortunately I had a bit to drink and she had a lot to drink and there were some inappropriate propositions from her end which, while flattering, I indulged for much longer than I should. I slept on it and the next day, thinking it through, decided I couldn't risk it and given the circumstances would be the wrong thing to do. I probably did not do a good job letting her down, she was very understanding, I feel awful about it.
This however did give me some impetus to turn things around. Since then i've been exercising every day. I've meditated every morning for 5-10 minutes and i've gotten my diet back on track. I am still restricted by lockdown but my mood is better and the exercises has proved to be a good filler for the various cracks of time in my day. On top of the regular routine, i've been trying out lots of different random routines on Youtube. I'm not really fit enough for most of them but from a 'having fun & self discovery' outlook, it's been great.
I have also introduced 2 habits to my routine to address some insecurities over my weak erectile strength. The first is jump squats, an idea I took from Casanovas journal. The second is regular Kegels in the morning. I found a clip on Youtube with a real time guided workout. I won't go into too much graphic detail but I feel both have made a noticeable difference.
Now for accountability, I relapsed once yesterday which I of course regret. I fell to the end of week 'reward' trap again of course. I however have the tools I need to get me through the weekend without further issues so I will endeavor to stay clean. Other than that, I have had no issues.
I feel like I am missing the 'ignition' that Phineas & Escape so often talk about. Life and my current circumstances feel genuinely exhausting and I don't have a lot of 'fight' in me at the moment. Haven't for some times if i'm honest. I'm not really sure what to do about this.
As I mentioned earlier in August. Dating is something I have been contemplating for awhile and made the decision to start in September. It is now September and I guess it's time for me to put my money where my mouth is. Despite lockdown I am still allowed to go out and 'exercise walk' with someone else for a limited time during the day. Perhaps given my PIED issues, this is a blessing in disguise as it may give me some opportunity for low pressure rewiring.
I am highly nervous and dubious about the whole idea which may actually be a good sign. I don't expect much out of this but I feel this is an area of life I would like to become more confident in. There is intimacy anxiety and fear of rejection issues that I also need to confront so, even if I don't find anyone, this will be a productive exercise for my personal development.
Wishing you all well on your journeys today.