Thanks Phineas & Escape, I really appreciate the support. My natural tendency leans so strongly to an all or nothing mindset that when things like this happen, I always just give up and binge. Such perfectionism, when scrutinized further, could appear to be little more than a convenient excuse to binge instead of minimizing or abstaining from PMO entirely. Maybe that's part of my cycle? Sabotage by wilful exposure to cues and then, once i've sufficiently failed to live up to the standards set, and free to binge until I start from scratch once again tomorrow.
In that case, true accountability would mean two things, dismissing the urge and stopping at any point no matter how bad it got, even if you are already half-way towards PMOing or lapsing. The second would be recording the incident and resetting the counter. The counter is for accountability and treating such things as a near miss, at least for me, emboldens the addict part of my brain that is pushing for more and more.
Phineas - I am actually a Cancer but funnily enough, both my mother, my sister and in fact many family friends are all Virgos. Perhaps I have absorbed their influence over the years lol!
That said I do need to reflect further on HOW it happened and how it can be avoided next time.
DAY 1 this morning and I am happy to let you know I did not PMO, peek, watch, edge, M or engage in any addict behaviour for the rest of yesterday. The rest of the day actually went pretty well and I honestly I feel much better for not lapsing even if I did look. It just goes to show, abstaining at any point is still better than the alternative. I have never regretted not PMOing and yesterday was no exception.
So once again I am here to renew my commitment to staying clean & PMO free.
Wishing you all well today.