Becoming a complete human being

[EarthWalker]

Background:

Passive-aggressive parents. Never felt loved. Never felt love. Worked my way trough university. Lost a bit of sanity on the way. Spent way too much time playing computer games and lost myself in P way too many times. Virgin at 31. Ruminated a lot. Now time to become a complete human being.

I am grateful for P. It put me in a place where all bets are off. I cannot hide anymore. I need to face myself.

Current situation:

Have a well paying, low stress but extremely unfulfilling and boring job (software engineer). I live in a rented apartment. I own a small car. I have a little money saved up.

Long term plan:

1. find a fulfilling job. I don't care about money that much. It is important but feeling good is more important.

This is pretty much it. I want to get up in the morning and be like....fuck yeah...lets do something....fulfilling. Sitting at the office and punching the keyboard is not it.

In the past QiGong (standing meditation) helped me a lot trough some rough patches. As crazy as it sounds I'll explore becoming a QiGong master as a full time job. There is some jedi stuff in the real QiGong. I stared doing it again. I think it does make my life a lot better.

I plan on going to China for 3-6 months to study QiGong full time. I plan on going to China this Winter.

Short term plan:

1. Dressing style // buy some new clothes
2. Eating habits // I got breakfast down, now need to figure out lunch and dinner
3. Apartment // I am not happy with my rented apartment, but should keep it tidy and clean
4. QiGong // keep on practicing
5. Fitness // should start the Mark Lauren You Are Your Own Gym program again

Basically I'll focus on my short term plan before I go to China. I'll reevaluate my situation when I get back.

Tools:

I am reading https://www.amazon.com/Craving-Mind-Cigarettes-Smartphones-Hooked/dp/0300223242/ref=asap_bc?ie=UTF8

Why I can't let go of P.

Still the pleasure feels so real. Do I want to feel good? Yes! PMO. Crap. I am better off if I don't PMO.

Basically the in the moment pleasure wins over my knowledge of how this behavior is actual bad for me in the long run. I am in N-day streaks mode. When I am OKish, it is not a problem to see clearly how P,M,O is bad fore me. But when I am very tired and stuff, the pleasure wins over my logical thinking.

The Urge Surfing (google it) works great when I am committed. I need to work on strengthening my commitment to stay away from P and excessive MO (imho 1-2x per month vanilla MO is fine, anything more is excessive).

 

[EarthWalker]

Day 0.

I relapsed today. I lost my commitment. Short term pleasure won over long term benefits. I decided to start journaling again and keep track of the days.

After the PMO I felt like I am better off not PMOing. I am better off not doing this. Why can't I see this clearly before I start to PMO? I was tired.

Here we go again. From the top.

 

[anhaedra]

So you held out like 4 minutes?



PMO is like any addiction, it makes you feel good while you're at it, rest of the day you feel worse. Ingrain this. Think long-term. You'll un-learn the tendency to PMO, because it's learned behavior. Then you'll be able to live in the moment again, like you should. You already know this if you meditate. But for now you'll have to make do with living in the future.

Also, try to have a sense of humor. Especially of the self-deprecating kind.

 

[EarthWalker]

I relapsed earlier in the day. I made the posts after decided to start journaling again.

Day 1.

Lots of urges. Tired AF. Barely got out of bed. FML. But it will get better. It must get better.

When committed it is somewhat straightforward to not give in the urges. Reading Jud Brewer's book some more.

System 1: The autopilot. Evolutionary conserved process. Tying shoes. Driving a bike. Driving a car for that matter. PMOing for that matter. It consumes low energy.

System 2: The rational mind. Making logical decisions. It consumes a lot of energy.

When tired System 2 powers down a bit. While System 1 is always operating at full capacity.

Basically it is Kramer (from Seinfeld) vs Mr. Spock (from Star Trek). Impulsive child not thinking anything trough vs logical being.

I want to be more like Mr. Spock. When the urges hit I want to

Clearly see the outcome of my actions.

Always without exceptions after relapse I feel like I am better off not doing this. Will focus on this some more.

 

[a_better_tomorrow]

Something is wrong with your approach.  Let's try to figure it out.  You shouldn't be relapsing everyday.  There must be periods during the day that you are most vulnerable.  Let's start there. 

You are at war with yourself.  That's what this is.  Your opponent is just as smart as you, and knows everything about you and will use those things against you when you are most vulnerable.  This is not going to be an easy fight.

Can you place yourself in public spaces when your brain is expecting a dopamine hit?  What I'm saying here is, can you move your schedule around a little bit?  For me, it's the late night.  That's when I need to be vigilant.  It can happen anytime though.

Also, install the K9 blocker software on your computer.  I'm fairly new here, and I am learning from the community.  I'm told it works great. 

If you have any porn on your computer, TERMINATE it.  I can't even see the thumb nail without being triggered into a rabbit hole of damaging day dreams.  On Day 0 you need to go on a Crusade against porn in your home.  Get it out.  A few days in, you will not be so strong.

You need to be planning and thinking a few steps ahead.  For some of us, this may be the most epic battle of our lives.  Do not allow yourself an alternative to victory.

 

[EarthWalker]

Day 1.

Weekend is the weakest. I relapsed Sunday evening. System 1 won over System 2. Autopilot. I am not even mad. I had a lot to do. Was very tired and ate poorly.

Weekdays are OKish. Had some cravings earlier but could see clearly what are the benefits of giving in to the urge.

I come home pretty tired from work. I don't do much after coming to the apartment from work. Lots of work is left for the weekend then.

 

[a_better_tomorrow]

When on the weekend are you weak?  Have you identified any triggers?  Everyone is different, but weekends are probably hard for most people.  I'm guessing you have more alone time on weekends?  I know I do.  If I'm at home I may fall into an old pattern too.  If you have patterns that lead to porn, you should identify them.  I used to game on my computer and then at some point I would switch to porn, relieve myself and go to bed. 

I'm fairly new here and I'm learning lots of tips from the community.  Let us know what patterns and triggers you find and what ever solutions you come up with.  Let's learn together.

 

[EarthWalker]

Day 2.

Workday. SNAFU. Urges under control. When I showered interesting enough it was easier to handle when I was mentally expecting cold water. Like ok, water will get colder, you can handle this, you are going to feel a change in temperature. As opposed to just going fuck, fuck, fuck, turn the water to cold, fuck.

I'll start to expect urges and be ready for them instead of handling this in the moment. I'll experiment with like pre-deciding or mentally simulating how to handle urges before they happen. So I am ready when it happens. Visualise the weekend already.

@a_better_tomorrow, I recommend you read https://www.amazon.com/Craving-Mind-Cigarettes-Smartphones-Hooked/dp/0300223242/ref=asap_bc?ie=UTF8 Porn is not any different from any other addiction. What I think makes is so hard to quit is ease of access, Coolidge effect and the insane amount of dopamine released when sexually stimulated.

The other day I was thinking about P addiction. It dawned on me. We get all this pleasure from sexual stimulation for the purpose of feeling pleasure from being with a partner. Now when that partner is a computer screen...things get fucked up. I digress.

System 2 FTW!

 

[EarthWalker]

Day 3.

I watched a main stream movie yesterday. A thousands words. Came up when doing "Movies to motive you" google search. It is nice movie except for 1 very triggering scene. I found it easier to deal with the trigger when I mentally prepared myself to expect triggers in the evening.

Had nightmare. Slept poorly, feel like shit, massive brain fog.

I expect to be triggered. I expect urges to come. I expect to be tempted by the urges. The System 1 will, lie, steal and beg for me to give in. But I know 2 things.

When not caught up by the urges they always get away.
After giving in to the urges I always feel I am better of doing something else.

Time to be Mr Spock when it comes to this.

Right now this P scene is lurking in the background. When I feel super tired, System 1 wants to cheer me up with P. But P is the source of why I feel like shit all the time. Pyramid scheme. Feel super tired, depressed -> System 1 -> I have an idea. Do P it will make you feel better! -> give in -> feel even worse and repeat.

Giving in will only temporarily make me feel better. But I will be worse off in the long run.

Hold the line!

 

[EarthWalker]

Day 4.

Felt like shit yesterday. Went to bed early. Slept a lot. Bad sleep. Woke up in the middle because of the shitty loud neighbours. Shivers. Like having a cold. Joint pain. Pretty annoying neck pain. FML.

Oh, forgot to mention I feel like anxiety. Like I cannot breathe. Like my breathing is fine (physically) but I feel like not having enough air. I feel like I am going to throw up. FML.

Nothing personal

There is nothing personal or special with P addiction. I remember when I was a kid. I used to fap to MTV music videos (sexy clothed females). This was done pretty infrequent. Then when I got computer I fapped to pictures of girls in bikini and when I got internet to some vanilla P. Then things spiralled out of control. More time spent on the computer and more fapping and moving away from vanilla to fetish stuff.

This is just "normal" result of how brain's reward system works. Do something pleasurable -> PMO, the brain just wants more of it. Nothing personal. Take ingredients, cook and you get a predictable result.

I find it easier to not take P addiction personally. It is just a mechanical result of years of conditioning.

Expect to be triggered. Don't get caught up in fantasy. Know clearly what I get from P - short term pleasure, long term suffering.

Onward! There is a long road ahead to day 90 and beyond.

 

[EarthWalker]

Day 5

This is where I enter the danger zone. Usually fuck up Saturday morning/evening and Sunday evening.

So far it has been pure streak. No bullshit. No google image search, no watching sexy YT videos, etc. No bullshit.

I did google image search yesterday evening but for: "motivational quotes". One stuck.

When you feel like quitting think why you started.

I started noP, noFap because I want to stop feeling like shit all the time, I feel like only living half a life.

But the thought of never ever watching P or PMOing ever in my life. Still will take time to get used to it.

What do I get from P? A short term pleasure and long term suffering.

Can I find pleasure in not using P?

I am confused...

To be continued.

 

[rebooter96]

we need to re-learn enjoying life, finding pleasure in life. We wired our brains, we wrapped our brain pleasure centers around specific pixels on a scree. We need to re-wire, re-learn, re-live, re-condition ourselves to "real" pleasure, enjoyment and life. As you say, we need to become complete human beings. Living for PMO is just robbing us from real life and real pleasure and real enjoyment.
I know it feels strange. I feel it too. Here I am on day 12, something that has not happened for over 16 years, and I feel so strange, so lost, so confused; but a te the same time I know this is what I need to go through if I want to be a complete human being, if I want to enjoy the real pleasures of life.
I agree, focusing everyday of this journey on our goals and the reasons we gave the first step away from PMO, is key. We need to have those very present. They are one of the best weapons of our arsenal against P.
Keep it up man!

 

[EarthWalker]

Day 1.

I got caught up Friday evening (yesterday). One good thing lately when triggered is I know I am triggered. I go PAUSE/TIMEOUT. Then I went for a walk. Still urges. Went to grab something to eat from a fast food joint close to my apartment. Still urges. My mind was clouded. I could not see clearly. The autopilot. Total loss of cognitive control. System 1 won over System 2.

Today is new day. Went to a local food store. There is this cute girl working there. She totally freaked out when her cash register screen went dark. She asked me for help (the store was packed, lots of old people). It was just that the electricity cable was unplugged. Easy fix. Then her screen resolution was wrong. Fixed this as well. We chatted a bit. Got 20% hard. She is really cute. Wow. Feels a lot better than P. No shit, Sherlock! What I like the most is that I didn't expect this to happen. Such a nice positive surprise.

I want this not P. Hopefully I will be able to remember this the next time I have strong urges.

After coming back to my apartments some urges, but they are easy to dismiss. When System 2 is operating at 100% no problems.

 

[EarthWalker]

@rebooter96, weapons against P... Imho violence only makes things worse. For me it is about acceptance and letting go.

Day 2.

Yesterday no problems. System 2 got things under control.

Been thinking a lot about what P means for me. Why can't I see things clearly. etc.

P is essentially a sex toy. The girls on the screen they are effectively a sexy toy. Only to help me reach orgasm. Discarded after the O.

So there is the machinery of sex, hijacked by P. Satiety. It is never enough.

I will work on seeing this more clearly as just a mechanical process. Get triggered -> desire to PMO. Like a dog. Must see things clearly and not get caught up in this.

What is the alternative? I think feeling a real connection with a girl. Like being together for the sake of being together not just to get off like from a sexy toy.

Here it so seeing things clearly! Onward to a new day!

 

[EarthWalker]

My mind is a garden. Time I become a better gardener.

Must stop giving nutrition to P and focus on real life connections.

Searched YT. There is one even better than this but have hard time find it. Anyway. P is not me. It is just a vegetable in my garden gone crazy.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yV_E9ZQF0UE

 

[EarthWalker]

Day 3.

I got triggered but instead I YT searched for some motivation. As I was typing YT autosuggested some previous query (fetish related). I peeked a bit. But stopped myself before things got any further. This rarely happened in the past. If I just peeked a bit I'd go all the way. Now I was like having million questions in my head. Does this really turn me on? What is this? What do I get from this? Went like crazy with thinking.

Horny a bit in the morning. Eating breakfast, got hard and some P scenes come into my mind. I just finished breakfast and went to work.

Usually when I am horny I just PMO. This feels strange. Just not PMO? Just ignore P? I feel tired. Brainfog. Almost cause a traffic accident. FML.

See clearly what I get from P. Is this it? Only allow sexual function with real life partner?

I'd so like to use P. But I remember I always feel like I am better off not doing P.

I feel strange. Is this it? Don't do P?

Thinking some more. Just having a nice conversation with a girl feels a lot better than P.

Confused. Well. Here is to figuring it out. Onward!

 

[EarthWalker]

Fucked up yesterday. Was very super tired from work. I peeked a bit. But then still feeling horny. I MO'ed to PIV vanilla fantasy.

Even just single digit streaks are better than nothing.

A bit stressed out due to my planning of the China trip.

Day 1.

 

[EarthWalker]

Day 1 (again).

Will focus on cleaning up my diet first. I eat a very healthy breakfast. Eat shit at work. Shitty restaurant nearby. We all go there just because it is very close. Then I usually eat shit for dinner. I have a fast food restaurant nearby.

For the past few days I started to eat healthier for dinner as well. Just tuna + avocado salad. And some cocoa drink in the evening. It can't be that simple. Feeling better.

Return of some vanilla. Feels normal seeing a hot or cute girl and wanting to fuck her. As opposed wanting her to dress in latex dress and tie me up and fuck me with a strapon.

Just the other day I was at a store. Seeing a cute girl. I wanted to put my dick in her mouth and jizz all over her face! Wow! Felt manly. Felt normal. YES!

Testosterone is a big deal. It is what makes us men...men. Eat shit -> kills testosterone, increases estrogen (female hormones). Eat like a man -> increase testosterone, kill estrogen.

Will focus on making sure I eat a healthy dinner. Will focus on making some badass salad for dinner.

My relapse has been vanilla. Not where I want to be but sure beats femdom.

 

[anhaedra]

Dude, eat healthy fats if you want to increase your testosterone. Avocados, nuts, olive oil. Also, zinc supplements.

Of course, avoid added sugars and fast carbs. Basically, eat like a caveman. Avoid processed foods.

 

[EarthWalker]

There is no cheap way out.

I thought I am going to find some mental hack to allow me to free myself from P. Something that will work without any $ investment. Something that will work when not eating well, sleeping well, not happy with the job, under stress etc.

But guess what. There is no cheap way of improving my life.

I fucked up yesterday. I didn't sleep enough. 6 hours sleep. To little. Came home super tired. My brain don't work right.

I need to invest my time and my $ in change. There is no free way out.