Disheartend by constant relapse?

Billy B

One fella wrote to me privately (at YBR), lamenting the negative psychological effects of constant relapse and how he feels so despondent sometimes that he feels like he will never be free.

My response, below, I thought I would share in the hope that it might offer encouragement to others in the same predicament.


I'm sad to hear that you can't seem to get over the hump or whatever... I wish that I could offer something to help inspire you.

The only thing I can really do is to encourage you to keep trying. I can totally relate to that self-depreciation that comes from constant failure, though. You've seen me do well here but I went through the same cycles myself, many times before I got this clean-streak rolling. I encourage you to stay here, read widely, support others and journal every day or so (even while you're using), analysing yr triggers and yr attempts to side-step them and all the rest. Ain't nobody here (except the odd fuck-wit) who's gonna offer anything but total support. The forgiveness and patience the other fellows offer may help you to be less hard on yourself. Coming here regular, even if yr still using has got to have a cumulative effect.

I encourage you also to keep trying different strategies (and try them again, if they don't seem to work as, sometimes, a strategy may not work sometimes but, at other times, be helpful). I think it is absolutely possible for you to get clean. That you just haven't perhaps found what works for you.

I suspect that there are many tools and strategies that you've yet to try, and none of these require that you be clean to get started. Some of these may include:

SLAA - Sex and Love Addicts Anonymous. I find the groups I attend to be extremely supportive and talking about my addiction out loud, in a safe environment, hearing other peoples stories has taught me much about myself. If the whole god/higher-power thing happens to be an issue, it need not be.

God - I can't remember if you're a man of faith or not, but if so, I imagine there is much strength and forgiveness that could be found there, either in your personal relationship with, or through your fellowship.

Therapy - Almost any addiction equates to a mal-adaptive strategy to cope with uncomfortable feelings. Sorting out ones baggage and learning to cope in healthy ways with stress, grief, loneliness (whatever) is likely crucial to any kind of success - in the long term, but even getting in over the initial hump. Perhaps an actual sex-therapist that might help, or one who works with Mindfulness. Again, if it doesn't seem to be working, try a different strategy, a different therapist, a different approach.

Internet porn-blockers - there's much debate over their usefulness, I know, but it's certainly true that they have helped many folks to at least get through the first few months or so, to a point where they can feel strong enough to start making that choice for themselves.

Meditation, nutrition, physical fitness, engaging a new hobby - reading widely here will give you many ideas/examples of what has helped others to get clean. And it really is a whole-life-style approach to recovery (not simply abstinence) that seems to be the key.

Have you had a look at the hack-book based on Allen Carrs non-willpower method?

Please don't give up on yourself: the alternative doesn't bare considering as far as I'm concerned - that is to stay stuck in one's shit, miserable and disconnected, indefinitely.

Posi-vibes to you, Bro.

I hope to see you back here and engaged, once again.


Big H

Active Member
I had given up for 4 years but the right moment came along and now I've gone 128 days without porn. You have to find something that works for you. I remember hearing a story by a guy who was addicted to cocaine. When he had a daughter he no longer wanted to do cocaine because he knew it would ruin her life. So he was able to quit it at the click of a finger.

Billy B

Yes, for me, i turned a corner psychologically: I realised that I no longer wanted or needed it my life, that there was nothing to 'give up' and that gave me the strength to commit and the ability to let it go.


Well-Known Member
I was relapsing every few days for the last 6-8 months. But 21 days ago something just switched after 2+ years... I haven't gone this long in ages pmo free. I managed to resist early cravings which seems to have made my decision making power a lot better. I haven't been close to relapsing yet and don't think i will. You need to reach a point where you realize that porn is not sustaining you. The hackbook for me i think helped but i didn't read most of it so it's hard to know.
I am a sex therapist and have extensive experience treating men with sexual dysfunctions. I offer Skype and phone appointments. You may contact me through my website at or email me directly at [email protected]. I would be happy to help you.