Conquering the Beast - My Daily Journal

jtgeorge

Member
I was keeping a physical journal but I stumbled across this forum indirectly through the NoFap Reddit and figured it might be even better to have some added accountability along with the benefits that come along with keeping a journal. Considering I slipped up today after abstaining from PMO for a week, I also figured that this was as a good a time as any to start.

With that having been said, I'm not sure where to start. I've been at this habit for way longer than I care to think about (but to put a number on it, it's been over 10 years now). I've tried what feels like a million different tips and tricks to try to quit, and all have come up short. But I keep trying new tactics and techniques because I feel like I'll only ever really be defeated by this horrible habit when I stop trying to beat it.

Anyways, it's late here now and I'm not sure what else to write at this moment, but I'll try to share some more details in my upcoming entries. For now, here's my status update:

Did I use porn today? - Unfortunately, yes.
What were my triggers? - Today I honestly think part of it was the mental and physical fatigue I'm feeling from dieting down and cutting water for an upcoming event, although I could definitely feel the urge to PMO developing over the past couple days, likely just because it was getting closer to a week, which is right around when I usually start to feel the urges get stronger.
How did I soothe my anxiety or stress? - Unfortunately again, today I soothed my anxiety/stress with PMO.
What am I grateful for today? - Today I'm grateful that I found this forum so that I can journal and hopefully have an added measure of accountability, and I'm also grateful that I got to spend some time with some friends.
Day counter! - Day 0 and counting!
 

HowElse

Member
Welcome! I joined because of a relapse as well and honestly I think that the simple feeling of having a place to go to for support is important.

You've taken a big step and I hope you stick to it, next time you get an urge maybe just revisit your journal and see what your experiences have been. It's all about taking the right steps.
 

Card

Member
Good luck, George. I'm only a couple weeks in and I can already tell you this forum is very helpful for accountability and encouragement. Stress can be rough, but I'm sure you can get through it without PMO.  :)
 
D

d2222

Guest
One thing that has really helped me with this forum is that the same thing you use to access porn also accesses this site. If I'm feeling tempted while I'm on a computer, I just go here and start reading the updates and replies. So far, that's been enough to change my mind and keep me on track.

Good luck!
 

jtgeorge

Member
Thanks for the responses guys, it really is nice to actually feel like part of a community and know that there are people who are in this with you.

Here's a question for you guys: Do you ever get to the point where it feels like you're almost on autopilot when it comes to PMO? Depending on the situation, I can sometimes go over a week and other times only a few days before I start to feel like I'm not in full control of my actions. That probably sounds like a cop out, which is what it feels like after I've slipped up, but it really is the weirdest thing. Even sometimes while I'm in the midst of a PMO episode, it's almost like a war going on in my mind, with what I like to call the "real" me trying to convince me not to go down this path once again, while the "PMO" me tells me that I deserve it, or I've earned it, or it'll make me feel better. Of course as soon as I actually slip up, the "real" me takes over again, and I can often go numerous days or more than a week remaining in rational control of my actions, but eventually I start to feel that control slipping away.

I've done enough reading on this subject to know that there are obviously psychological and neurological forces and patterns at play here, but my question to you is this: What do you personally do to snap out of it when the "PMO" you is really starting to take over? Hopefully you guys are still reading and feel like sharing your thoughts. I look forward to hearing them :)

Did I use porn today? - Nope
What were my triggers? - I can say that right now I'm feeling a bit of an urge to PMO, but that's probably because I'm exhausted right now, and it was a fight to actually stay up long enough to write this journal entry.
How did I soothe my anxiety or stress? - Today, I didn't do a good job of this, although I do start every day with a bit of mindfulness meditation.
What am I grateful for today? - Today I'm grateful that I completed the final photoshoot for my online fitness coaching program and was pretty happy with the results. It's nice to have completed this after a year of work.
Day counter! - Day 1 and moving on to Day 2 in about 15 minutes!
 

Card

Member
I can see what you mean about having periods where it's incredibly easy or really hard, George. Best thing for me to "snap out of it" is to do something that distracts my mind until the urges pass and/or try to remind myself that doing PMO is a temporary plastic kind of relief that only harms me in the long run.

I think that the further in you get, the easier it is to see the contrast between how you're feeling now and how you were feeling under the haze of porn addiction, which helps to bolster that sense of "I don't want to go back to feeling shitty again."
 

dwenjang1218

Active Member
Yeah the psychological war is definitely the hardest part of this game.
And that's coming from me who is allowing myself to masturbate, so I can let off the steam from time to time.
I imagine no PMO would be 5 times more difficult.

Personally, to win this war, I go lift weights.
(although I started training way before realizing I was addicted to porn)
Not only does it have the killing time effect,
body building is a sport that shows a very strong correlation between self-discipline and success.
I like to think that I train and monitor my psychological strength along with muscles in the gym.

Other than that, I come to this site and update posts to kill time :)
 

jtgeorge

Member
Thanks for sharing your thoughts guys!

Card said:
I can see what you mean about having periods where it's incredibly easy or really hard, George. Best thing for me to "snap out of it" is to do something that distracts my mind until the urges pass and/or try to remind myself that doing PMO is a temporary plastic kind of relief that only harms me in the long run.

I think that the further in you get, the easier it is to see the contrast between how you're feeling now and how you were feeling under the haze of porn addiction, which helps to bolster that sense of "I don't want to go back to feeling shitty again."

See that's the funny thing, is you mention reminding yourself that PMO is only a temporary kind of relief that is totally not worth it in the long run, which I completely agree with. But then I get to the point where it's like a switch is flipped and suddenly I don't even care, I know it's not worth it but the discomfort of not giving in weighs heavier on me than the fear of giving in. Or something like that.

But you do raise a really good point, that when you actually have those moments of clarity when you can actually live in the moment and realize how awesome life is, you really do get a boost and a feeling of 'why would I ever want to do that again?' I think it comes down to keeping that state of mind going for as long as possible, living as much in the present moment as you can, which for me has always been tough, considering I swear I have undiagnosed ADD.

Oh, and PS, not that it really bothers me, but my first name is actually Jordan, not George (which is my last name). Figured I'd mention that now instead of having to awkwardly bring it up later :p

VforVictory said:
Yeah the psychological war is definitely the hardest part of this game.
And that's coming from me who is allowing myself to masturbate, so I can let off the steam from time to time.
I imagine no PMO would be 5 times more difficult.

Personally, to win this war, I go lift weights.
(although I started training way before realizing I was addicted to porn)
Not only does it have the killing time effect,
body building is a sport that shows a very strong correlation between self-discipline and success.
I like to think that I train and monitor my psychological strength along with muscles in the gym.

Other than that, I come to this site and update posts to kill time :)

Man, I've read so many times that weightlifting is a good fix or distraction from PMO, and boy do I ever wish that was the case for me, because if it was I'd have kicked this habit a LONG time ago. Do you find that just working out in general helps give you better self-control over your habit or do you actually force yourself to get up and go to the gym for a workout whenever you find yourself facing some crazy urges? I've only really ever done the former, so maybe I really need to make myself get up, go out and do something when I'm feeling like PMOing, because I swear being cooped up in the house when you're in that state of mind is a disaster waiting to happen.
 

jtgeorge

Member
Oh right, almost forgot my daily update!

Did I use porn today? - No way Jose, still going strong!
What were my triggers? - Today I actually didn't feel too much in the way of urges or triggers, so I guess this was a good day for whatever reason. No point questioning it, I'm just going to enjoy the peace and quiet while it lasts.
How did I soothe my anxiety or stress? - I started off the day by meditating, and that was about it for today
What am I grateful for today? - Today I'm grateful that even a couple people have taken the time out of their lives to post comments in this thread.
Day counter! - Day 2, which is almost 7% of the way to my first goal - making it 30 days without PMO.
 

dwenjang1218

Active Member
jtgeorge said:
Do you find that just working out in general helps give you better self-control over your habit or do you actually force yourself to get up and go to the gym for a workout whenever you find yourself facing some crazy urges?

In the gym, I keep reminding myself that I have authority over myself (if that makes any sense).
The bigger authority i have, the easier it is to contain myself from watching porn.

I don't go to the gym spontaneously, but I know that if I didn't go at all, I would have quit quite easily.
 

jtgeorge

Member
VforVictory said:
jtgeorge said:
Do you find that just working out in general helps give you better self-control over your habit or do you actually force yourself to get up and go to the gym for a workout whenever you find yourself facing some crazy urges?

In the gym, I keep reminding myself that I have authority over myself (if that makes any sense).
The bigger authority i have, the easier it is to contain myself from watching porn.

I don't go to the gym spontaneously, but I know that if I didn't go at all, I would have quit quite easily.

That definitely makes sense, because you literally are taking physical control of yourself and your surroundings. Definitely a cool way of looking at it.

Unfortunately I left my journaling to way too late today, so it's just going to be my brief daily entry for now:

Did I use porn today? - Nope, still doing ok
What were my triggers? - Today my trigger was getting off on random fantasizing, which isn't even always sexual in nature, but often leads down that path. I need to start better calling attention to when my mind starts to wander like this. Also, I drank moderately for the first time in a while (I don't drink very often), and that always makes me want to act out. Fortunately I didn't drink too much, or I might have actually followed through with the urge.
How did I soothe my anxiety or stress? - Didn't necessarily do a great job of this today.
What am I grateful for today? - I'm grateful for being somewhat busier with work, which makes me feel more productive.
Day counter! - Day 3, feels like a lot longer than that, which probably isn't a good thing, but oh well.
 

jtgeorge

Member
Well today has definitely been a tough one. It's so weird, I spent the whole second half of the day at my girlfriend's fitness competition, so you'd think that seeing a seemingly endless stream of girls in bikinis on stage would be what triggered me, but for some reason, that doesn't seem to be what got me in this state. I don't really know why I'm feeling such strong urges right now, but it certainly is testing my limits.

I also really need to stop leaving my journaling to the end of the night, because at this point I'm just too tired to write anything too lengthy or overly meaningful, because I just want to go to bed (and PMO, if I'm being completely honest).

Anyways, I better go for now, but here's hoping tonight is another night on the path to success, and not a detour off the road I want to be on.
 
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