One woman's view

[Rainiegirl]

I would like to start off by saying that I am surprised by how few women are on here for a few reasons
- women can be porn addicts too
- soo many women are hurt by a family members porn use
- the porn industry is affecting the new generation in a very negative way and any educational support should be welcomed.
I say these things based on personal experience. I was once in a distructive relationship when I was in my twenties and I began masterbating to porn as a stress relief and to compensate for my missing sexual needs. I started with basic porn but it soon stopped doing it for me. I began looking into more and more extream types of pornography and orgasims became harder to obtain. When I started looking at things that I would normaly find offensive or disgusting I suspected that porn was ruining me and my mental well being. I stopped using porn and my confidence and sence of self worth slowly returned. I left the horrible boyfriend and started going out more. Also my ability to orgasim without extra stimuli returned.
Fast forward to today. I'm with the love of my life. I knew he watched porn befor we started dating but he had been single for a long time so I know this is common. I thought he had stopped using it when we started dating because he had the real thing now. We bought a house and moved in together two years into the relationship and I became pregnant a few months later. Early into my pregnancy we were sitting in bed and he grabbed his phone to look something up and a porn site popped up when he turned it on. He said he was looking at it while he was in the bathroom. I was immediately sick to my stomach over the idea that he needed to look at other women while on the can. I told him it was offensive and hoped he would stop but it wouldn't leave my mind and ruined my self image for my entire pregnancy. I felt fat and ugly and couldn't enjoy sex anymore. After our daughter was born I was on the computer and noticed porn sites marked as favorites. I confronted him and asked him to delete all his porn and stop. Maybe it's because of my use during an unhappy relationship or just a romantic ideal but porn feels like cheating. I am not interested in looking at other men because I am happy with what I have. If I was turned on by some oiled naked pic of perfect man It would be a sign that I'm not attracted to who I'm with anymore. A few days ago I  decided to search through his computer and found more porn. It hurts that he not only finds me not enough for him but is continuing a behavior that he knows is hurting me. I believe he is an addict. I told him that and I also made it clear that if the porn continues our relationship will not be able to survive. A behavior can be fixed but hurt, betrayal and secrets kill. I'm an understanding person so I won't give up without a fight but to have the person you love make you feel so low is hard to recover from. I've read a lot of posts on other web sites from women who feel the way I do and was repulsed by the amount of times they were told to get over it or to get counseling because they obviously have poor self-esteem.  My self esteem was fine befor this. If he had a addiction to anything else an it caused him to sneak and lie and betray my trust would it be a problem with my self-esteem to find it hurtful? Emotions don't change no matter how much therapy. Hurt will always hurt.

As for my last point. I've noticed a huge increase of very young girls disrespecting themselves online. Youth today are blasted with sexual images at much younger ages. The television now has shows with full nudity and the intranet shows them what girls attract men with nasty sidebar ads and live cam popups without anyone having to even search it out. I know of other moms discovering that there 11 year old daughter has demeaning and illegal pics of herself online. I have read stories from teen boys that are porn addicts. I want to say a big thank-you to every young man on here. You are making a difference in not only your lives but in the lives of young women. More attention needs to be brought on the affect of unfiltered youth in the age of high speed intranet. Also a big thank-you to all the men who had the courage to recognize this problem and take action. Hopefully the medical community will start to take notice and be able to help others with addiction problems. Women need to be educated on this issue for the sake of there boyfriends husbands sons daughters and themselves.

Thank-you

 

[Gabe Deem]

Hey Rainiegirl,

Welcome to RN!

First off to answer your first statement of why there are few women. The main reason is this site is brand new (3 weeks old). I am thankful for courageous women like you and the others here who took the time to post what's on your heart. We need that here. As you know porn cuts deeply both male and female.

I began looking into more and more extream types of pornography and orgasims became harder to obtain.

You are right in that this is happening to way more people than we know about. A girl I know personally went through this same experience, took her a few months off PVO (porn, vibrator, orgasm) to be able to orgasm with a partner. I am glad you were able to reboot and get back to normal. If you are interested you might find this article handy to reference to fellow ladies going through this:

http://yourbrainonporn.com/vibrators-and-other-pleasures-when-moderation-fails

Not sure if you even used one but you might find it interesting.

Maybe it's because of my use during an unhappy relationship or just a romantic ideal but porn feels like cheating.

I don't think it is from an unhappy relationship at all. Almost everyone feels hurt if a partner has a desire to consistently look at other bodies and gets sexual gratification from them. This is not your fault, and you feeling pain is not one of "your issues." Porn can jack up the healthiest loving relationship. I have broken several girls hearts because of my selfish desire to please myself with porn all the time. Neglecting their needs at times to live out my porn-induced fetishes. I'm thankful I can see it now...

but it wouldn't leave my mind and ruined my self image for my entire pregnancy.

Know this. For most guys the porn we watch isn't always about the "looks" of the girls. As brain changes set it, the root desire for porn is that dopamine hit it provides, and we get that by watching novel, shocking, surprising, or anxiety producing stuff. It eventually becomes stricly an arousal thing and not an attraction thing. That is why people get into all kinds of crazy fetishes over time. They simply are escalating into harder and harder material to get the same high.

Not sure if you have read this but this is a paragraph covering this in my HuffPost blog.

Misconception #2 -- "Guys who claim they have porn-induced ED are just not attracted to their partner."

Many guys on porn recovery forums say they are extremely attracted to their partners and find it very confusing that they cannot get aroused. I was one of those guys. I had a beautiful girl who I found very attractive, yet I could not physically feel any arousal when going for sex. Why is this important?
The partner may feel she is not attractive enough or "can't compare to the porn stars." It is very important to let these heartbroken girls know that it is not always an attraction thing, but rather a brain-wiring thing. If a guy has wired his sexual arousal to a screen and porn, it does not matter how sexy or attractive he finds his partner... he may not be able to get it up. Once I made it clear to my girlfriend that she was very attractive but my brain had just been numbed, and wired for porn, it helped her feel a lot better about waiting and less devastated when Mr. Happy looked sad.

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/gabe-deem/porn-addiction_b_4495344.html

So understand that it is not about your attractiveness at all. But rather his pursuit of dopamine. I have dated beatiful girls who would do anything with me sexually, yet I continually ran to porn with girls far less attractive than they were. I literally just wired my desire to a screen and novelty. Never realized it until I had porn-induced ED.

I've noticed a huge increase of very young girls disrespecting themselves online.

This is true and very sad. I have been going around talking with middle school counselors if the Dallas/Fort Worth area and they repeatedly say that sexting and sending nude pics is a frequent and growing problem. I have also talked with a 15 year old who was very open about what porn culture is like in teens these days.

http://legacy.rebootnation.org/index.php?page=Teens_Talk_Porn

The good news... Is that word is spreading and eventually everyone will know the possible harm porn can cause and younger kids can make informed decisions about what route to take.

I believe he is an addict. I told him that and I also made it clear that if the porn continues our relationship will not be able to survive

I hope he wakes up and sees the pain he is causing you and himself. I suggest showing him our videos or Yourbrainonporn.com as that usually wakes guys up once they realize porn is holding them back physiologically from being the best man they can be.

Glad to have you here!

Much Love

 

[Rainiegirl]

Thank you for your support. I'm glad to have found this site. I didn't realize it was so new. I hope more women seeking help will find it too.

 

[Rainiegirl]

We had a good talk yesterday and I feel much better today than I did yesterday. He admitted that it was a huge problem that he's had since a teen. He is sure he can handle it on his own. He's not a very open person so looking for help is hard. Advise on anything that helps for the closed off antisocial type?

 

[LTE]

We had a good talk yesterday and I feel much better today than I did yesterday. He admitted that it was a huge problem that he's had since a teen. He is sure he can handle it on his own. He's not a very open person so looking for help is hard. Advise on anything that helps for the closed off antisocial type?

Get him to visit Your Brain on Porn to learn the way this problem works and how to get out of it. Then, drag him here, if you must, but get him into a group where there's accountability and support.

You are well within your rights to feel that it is cheating, IMO that is exactly what it is. It's not you that is lacking, it's the porn addiction. He can recover, if he follows through. Without external help he may find it hard to break out of it.

 

[Jverhoye]

Welcome Rainiegirl,
My belief is that most guys who say they can handle it on their own say that because they don't want to be perceived as weak.  The truth is actually the opposite.  It takes a ton of strength to admit there is a problem (which he appears to have done), reach out to others (which he appears somewhat reluctant to do), and get help beyond what you can offer him (perhaps he'll do that soon).  The weak thing to do is to stay stuck.  The heavy lifting of rewiring the brain is worth it, but it takes work.  I hope he's willing it do what he needs to do.  Best of luck to you both, and keep posting.  You need and deserve support too!

 

[SO Reboot Partner]

Welcome, Rainiegirl - You've got friends!

First, congratulations on posting. I strongly suspect there are a lot of us out there that don't, for whatever reason. The more truths that can be told, the better.

Several of the guys here have a lot of insights that will really make a difference.

SORP

 

[Viper]

We had a good talk yesterday and I feel much better today than I did yesterday. He admitted that it was a huge problem that he's had since a teen. He is sure he can handle it on his own. He's not a very open person so looking for help is hard. Advise on anything that helps for the closed off antisocial type?

Welcome-
I would say that first, it's a very big step that he has accepted he has a problem. Easier said than done. Any inkling of sexual dysfunction to a man is a huge blow to his ego and self esteem. Because we always think that it could never happen to us and we're always in control. Or, we're the exception.
I would just point him to this portal and he can read some journals. He will more than likely catch some that he can totally relate to regardless of his social capacity.

 

[Rainiegirl]

Thanks guys and gals. I have told him about the site and that I'm a member because I don't want to hide anything. Hope he tries it out.

 

[Viper]

Hi there Rain,
any new developments?

 

[Rainiegirl]

We are doing pretty good. My so has been bike shopping so he has something to burn off steam with. I've been making him face his problem. He still thinks he can do everything on his own. I've been turning on the cybersex jungle radio show and leaving it on beside him in the morning. Lol he realy is a great man just stubborn! I gave him all my boundaries and he agreed without any fuss. My city dosent offer any help for p addiction so I've been studying a lot and we are commuted to help each other through rough spots. Hope all goes well.

 

[LTE]

If he gets a bit of time behind him and realizes how good he feels that should be enough to convince him.

 

[Jverhoye]

How is your week going, R. G.?

 

[Rainiegirl]

Things have been going well. My other half seems to be doing well also. I put k9 on his phone and the laptop but I still worry sometimes. He's very computer smart so if he wants to get around it he can. I know that if he relapses it will probaly crush me and I don't know how to handle that if it happens. I'm hoping I won't have to. I know that's probaly unrealistic. I've been trying to get him to educate himself more but he dosent see how that might help him. Frustrating!!

 

[Jverhoye]

K9 is definitely better than no K9, speaking from experience.  You are right that there are ways smart/savvy computer people try to work around it.  Ultimately, he has to want sobriety.  He has to claim it for himself, and if he doesn't I can see how that can be very difficult on you.  Hopefully the addiction will lose its hold on him.  Keep us posted and know that you have a lot of folks pulling for you and for him!

 

[Rainiegirl]

Having a rough day for some reason. Nothing bad has happend but I'm becoming very parinoid lately. Trust is so difficult to regain. I once was in a relationship with a drug addict who refused to quit and I think that experiance is making it worse. I was totally taken advantage of and played for a fool in that relationship. I worry so much that it could happen again. I know that my SO is not anything like my ex and that he values our relationship in a way that my ex never did but my stupid negative parinoia is getting the better of me at times. I wish there was a way to make my SO more open. He can't talk about his feelings with anyone. It's very frustrating but I don't take it personally. It just makes things harder. Sorry for the rant, just needed to vent.

 

[LTE]

Having a rough day for some reason. Nothing bad has happend but I'm becoming very parinoid lately. Trust is so difficult to regain. I once was in a relationship with a drug addict who refused to quit and I think that experiance is making it worse. I was totally taken advantage of and played for a fool in that relationship. I worry so much that it could happen again. I know that my SO is not anything like my ex and that he values our relationship in a way that my ex never did but my stupid negative parinoia is getting the better of me at times. I wish there was a way to make my SO more open. He can't talk about his feelings with anyone. It's very frustrating but I don't take it personally. It just makes things harder. Sorry for the rant, just needed to vent.

Sadly, we carry the baggage from relationships forward as life goes on. Just try to keep in mind that your SO is a different person and not likely to make the same mistakes as your ex.

 

[SO Reboot Partner]

Having a rough day for some reason. Nothing bad has happend but I'm becoming very parinoid lately. Trust is so difficult to regain. I once was in a relationship with a drug addict who refused to quit and I think that experiance is making it worse. I was totally taken advantage of and played for a fool in that relationship. I worry so much that it could happen again. I know that my SO is not anything like my ex and that he values our relationship in a way that my ex never did but my stupid negative parinoia is getting the better of me at times. I wish there was a way to make my SO more open. He can't talk about his feelings with anyone. It's very frustrating but I don't take it personally. It just makes things harder. Sorry for the rant, just needed to vent.

Ranting I think is part of the process.

You know how those fancy little beta fish can't be in the same tank without tearing each other apart? Well, a lot of the ideas that support partners have to put in the ol' think tank are just like beta fish. They conflict and fight each other. Psychologists call this cognitive dissonance, when two conflicting ideas are in the same brain.

It is very frustrating and exhausting.

For example, we all want a relationship with trust with a partner that has already betrayed our trust. It sounds contradictory because it is, but so is preferring PMO over a real partner.

Just has he has to claim and decide to quit, you have to decide and claim the relationship you want.

You both can do this.

 

[Viper]

That's what a journal is for. Express what's going on in your life
that suits the narrative.

 

[Rainiegirl]

I had a bad day yesterday. I found out he was watching anime that has horribly objectifying images of women. Yes they stayed clothed but the intention that they were sex objects in the show was obvious. I broke down. He got upset. He says its a funny cartoon and no one was naked so he dosent see the problem. Using an overly sexualized image of women that are potrayed as airheads is not funny. women dont have to be naked to be pornographic. It is painfull to see that someone I love thinks so little about how such a thing is harmfull. Images and veiws of women like this is dehumanizing and offensive. Its heartbreaking to know that a father of two girls cant see that.