One woman's view

Bibbity

Bibbity

Active Member
Wanttobebetter said:
I struggle with whether I should or should not tell my wife what I've been doing for so many years. I don't know if it is a secret I should keep,  or if it will do more damage than good. What do you think?
If we can heal without it coming up should I leave it that way. Should I leave the topic alone?  Is part of the healing for our relationship that she knows the whole story? Do you think she deserves to know? Will it be therapeutic for her, me, us? My wife is very happy lately with the redevolpment of our  relationship. My feeling is I should not hurt her with this info. The guilt I feel is the cross I must bear for the rest of my life, which I will.
I'd really be interested in any thoughts.  Thank you!!!
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Hopefully it is ok for me to chime in as a wife as well.  I would of course encourage total disclosure to her.  It will always be a deep dark secret in your heart and getting it out in the open is the only way for true love to really come back and blossom.  she will learn a great deal about you, herself and her relationship.  The discovery of this secret was a catalyst for our change as individuals and as a couple.

I am a firm believer that lying by omission is still lying.  Your new relationship is still based on a lie for her.  I don't want to be harsh but the only person you truly want to protect is yourself.  You are not protecting her from anything.  She deserves to know the truth because she has been betrayed and she deserves to make her future decisions with you based on this truth.
 
W

Wanttobebetter

Member
Bibbity,
I really appreciate your reply and perspective.  I admit I will not make a decision on this until I am further along in the process, but your points are all well taken and will be part of my decision. I'm glad you chimed in and thank you very much.  I welcome all opinions.
 
Rainiegirl

Rainiegirl

Member
so we have restarted this journey again and its been going ok for the last week or so. We are trying karezza and he has been useing a councling program called overcoming pornography. Part of the program deals with toxic shame and how it contributes to pornography addiction. After they were done listing all the feelings of shame and the cycle it puts you on he turned to me and said that he couldnt understand it. He says that he dosnt feel any of the emotions described. He thinks he might be a sociopath because he cant feel much emotions. I tried to tell him that he's not because I have seen him show emotions, like crying, in the past and I reminded him of such times, but he could not remember them. I have lived with a sociopath so I can honestly say he shows none of the characteristics but it is hard to see how badly this addiction has affected him. Its also difficult to find a way to help if he cant see what emotions are triggering his PMO habbits. I dont know how to help him and thats very hard. Im hopeing that once his brain starts rebooting that he will start to feel again. He has been using porn since he was very young so he might never have had a chance to feel certain things before his brain was desensitized. I have read some posts from others that felt like him and how they discovered that they never realy knew themselves until they quit porn, so I have hope.
 
W

Wanttobebetter

Member
Serious question here. Not joking.  I have never considered that sociopaths might recognize they are sociopaths. I didn't even think that was a possibility. So, my question...if your guy thinks he may be a sociopath, does that pretty much rule out the possibility that he actually is?
Hope that question makes sense.
 
Rainiegirl

Rainiegirl

Member
a real sociopath dosnt wonder if they are a sociopath. My ex has every single trait used by psychiatrists to determine if someone is a sociopath, but he would never reconize it and would react badly if someone suggested he was one. My SO does not show any of the traits other than missing emotional resposes or inability to reconize emotions within himself. He says he feels love and compassion and Ive seen him get very emotional in upsetting situations.
 
S

SO Reboot Partner

Guest
Rainiegirl said:
so we have restarted this journey again and its been going ok for the last week or so. We are trying karezza and he has been useing a councling program called overcoming pornography. Part of the program deals with toxic shame and how it contributes to pornography addiction. After they were done listing all the feelings of shame and the cycle it puts you on he turned to me and said that he couldnt understand it. He says that he dosnt feel any of the emotions described. He thinks he might be a sociopath because he cant feel much emotions. I tried to tell him that he's not because I have seen him show emotions, like crying, in the past and I reminded him of such times, but he could not remember them. I have lived with a sociopath so I can honestly say he shows none of the characteristics but it is hard to see how badly this addiction has affected him. Its also difficult to find a way to help if he cant see what emotions are triggering his PMO habbits. I dont know how to help him and thats very hard. Im hopeing that once his brain starts rebooting that he will start to feel again. He has been using porn since he was very young so he might never have had a chance to feel certain things before his brain was desensitized. I have read some posts from others that felt like him and how they discovered that they never realy knew themselves until they quit porn, so I have hope.
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This is temporary. If he sticks with the program, he will feel again. Don't get too obsessed with what he says right now, he's out of his mind.
 
Bibbity

Bibbity

Active Member
The main reason he was choosing PMO was this disconnect to emotions.  Most men have it and in our society are raised this way.  Emotions are for sissys right?  :(

It's a process of opening up slowly over time and really feeling what's inside instead of distracting himself.  This is why meditation helps rebooters so much.
 
Rainiegirl

Rainiegirl

Member
Well, we've been trying to use Karezza for about a week and a half now. I think he's just starting to understand it. Even though we havent done all the steps right, it seems to be helping. Im feeling better about myself and he says he hasnt felt much of an urge for porn for about a week. He has been a little more tuned in and Ive noticed him doing things like calling me from work and saying "I love you" more often. Im hoping things just keep going in this direction. Stress turned me into a big slacker, but today I felt good enough to accomplish more than Ive done in weeks.  :)
 
Rainiegirl

Rainiegirl

Member
Having a bad day today. I feel like things have been going too well so I must be missing something. This constant parinoia is so hard to cope with. I can't fight what I don't know. It's as if I'm so used to pain and conflict that I don't know how to live without it. I'm wondering if this will ever end. Will I live in this parinoid state forever. What kind of life is that? Even a good day can't be enjoyed anymore. So frustrating!
 
Viper

Viper

Well-Known Member
hang in there.
Sometimes that happens to me when i wake up.
I don't know what to expect or how i will feel.
 
Rainiegirl

Rainiegirl

Member
As far as I know, things are still going good. Getting a little worried about the chaser effect after sex though. We try to keep orgasim to once a week but I'm wondering if we should stretch it out a bit more or take it off the menu. If anyone has any advice I'd love to hear from you.
 
Rainiegirl

Rainiegirl

Member
Because orgasms increase PMO cravings and can cause depression-like symptoms for the next day or two afterwards. The less orgasms you have, the faster your brain rewires.
 
Bibbity

Bibbity

Active Member
Did he have those symptoms?  Some men don't get them as bad.  How long is he into the reboot now?
 
Bibbity

Bibbity

Active Member
Rainiegirl said:
One month since last relapse. He says that he has noticed the chaser effect
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Can he come to you when he notices the chaser affect?  This is what worked for us.  I basically told him he could come to me whenever he felt an urge to masturbate.  This ensured that the urge to M would be transferred to an urge to have sex instead.  Of course everyone is different and if you want to abstain then by all means.  We abstained after 9 months because of PIED. 
 
Gabe Deem

Gabe Deem

Administrator
Staff member
Admin
Moderator
@ Rainiegirl
his addiction is way worse than i thought. I dont know what to do. our relationship is over.
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So sorry Rainiegirl... I don't have words to say other than we are here for you. 
 
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