Samarkand Searcher
Member
Day 1 - not sure if I want to count days really. I've been here before, both at 'rock bottom' and on this forum, with a different name, some time ago. Twice I have done really well and got on top of this addiction. It has lasted but not permenantly. I have relapsed and it has spiralled each time. I'm 47 and this has been going on too long.
What's my thing? It's hard to pinpoint. I really get off chatting/connecting with women on-line - it has to be webcamming where I can see them. I'll use cam sites that you pay for but you would be surprised what you can get for free. I think I use porn to stop doing this - it's less risky, cheaper and easier. In the past I used porn and would cheat if I could get away with it. The cheating stopped when I met my wife 16 years ago.
I run my own business and I'm a writer - so I am alone and on a pc. Far from ideal but I did get an office to keep me away from the problem. This helped but I have been working at home lately and the problem is back big time. I can waste hours/days looking for the right connection. Even when I am not doing this I seem to have lost the ability to concentrate and get anything meaningful done with my work.
I think I know why I do it and it goes right back to my childhood - may be that's something for another post?
I know about what's going on in my brain - the triggers for me.
I have a huge range of opportunities and a great life - I can see this getting wrecked slowly.
However it's happened again.
What has worked in the past - this forum, meditating, setting up a routine that works.
What am I going to do? My routine. Wake up (and after I've helped my wife get ready and get out to work) meditate, post here and read some Steven Pressfield. I already train/exercise a lot and have done since I was a boy so this is part of me and it helps to keep me grounded.
What doesn't work - Feeling sorry for myself, feeling angry about something my wife has or hasn't done, surfing the web, thinking about why I am an addict.
That's all for now........
What's my thing? It's hard to pinpoint. I really get off chatting/connecting with women on-line - it has to be webcamming where I can see them. I'll use cam sites that you pay for but you would be surprised what you can get for free. I think I use porn to stop doing this - it's less risky, cheaper and easier. In the past I used porn and would cheat if I could get away with it. The cheating stopped when I met my wife 16 years ago.
I run my own business and I'm a writer - so I am alone and on a pc. Far from ideal but I did get an office to keep me away from the problem. This helped but I have been working at home lately and the problem is back big time. I can waste hours/days looking for the right connection. Even when I am not doing this I seem to have lost the ability to concentrate and get anything meaningful done with my work.
I think I know why I do it and it goes right back to my childhood - may be that's something for another post?
I know about what's going on in my brain - the triggers for me.
I have a huge range of opportunities and a great life - I can see this getting wrecked slowly.
However it's happened again.
What has worked in the past - this forum, meditating, setting up a routine that works.
What am I going to do? My routine. Wake up (and after I've helped my wife get ready and get out to work) meditate, post here and read some Steven Pressfield. I already train/exercise a lot and have done since I was a boy so this is part of me and it helps to keep me grounded.
What doesn't work - Feeling sorry for myself, feeling angry about something my wife has or hasn't done, surfing the web, thinking about why I am an addict.
That's all for now........