Another 'rock bottom'

Day 1  - not sure if I want to count days really. I've been here before, both at 'rock bottom' and on this forum, with a different name, some time ago. Twice I have done really well and got on top of this addiction. It has lasted but not permenantly. I have relapsed and it has spiralled each time. I'm 47 and this has been going on too long.
What's my thing? It's hard to pinpoint. I really get off chatting/connecting with women on-line - it has to be webcamming where I can see them. I'll use cam sites that you pay for but you would be surprised what you can get for free. I think I use porn to stop doing this - it's less risky, cheaper and easier. In the past I used porn and would cheat if I could get away with it. The cheating stopped when I met my wife 16 years ago.
I run my own business and I'm a writer - so I am alone and on a pc. Far from ideal but I did get an office to keep me away from the problem. This helped but I have been working at home lately and the problem is back big time. I can waste hours/days looking for the right connection. Even when I am not doing this I seem to have lost the ability to concentrate and get anything meaningful done with my work.
I think I know why I do it and it goes right back to my childhood - may be that's something for another post?
I know about what's going on in my brain - the triggers for me.
I have a huge range of opportunities and a great life - I can see this getting wrecked slowly.
However it's happened again.
What has worked in the past - this forum, meditating, setting up a routine that works.
What am I going to do? My routine. Wake up (and after I've helped my wife get ready and get out to work) meditate, post here and read some Steven Pressfield. I already train/exercise a lot and have done since I was a boy so this is part of me and it helps to keep me grounded.
What doesn't work - Feeling sorry for myself, feeling angry about something my wife has or hasn't done, surfing the web, thinking about why I am an addict.
That's all for now........
 

workinprogressUK

Well-Known Member
You've squashed it before and you appear to have a decent understanding of your own cycle of addiction and triggers. I guess there's just something lurking back in your past that you've never resolved. Wishing you every success this time around. Execute your plan, address the unresolved gremlin, and never go back. Best of luck.
 
Hi Working ProgressUK
Thanks for that - it all helps!
I think there is quite a bit lurking back in the past that I've never resolved. Do you think we have to address these things to move forward? Some people have told me that it's not important but I'm not so sure. It's been on my mind a lot. Also I am not sure how to address these things from the past.

Today - I got up had breakfast and 'worked my program' - meditate, read Steven Pressfield and come on here.
Good day yesterday - only a few thoughts of going online for the wrong reasons. A few triggers caught. It's frustrating but I need to spend time sorting myself out before I can really get on with things. Small steps!
The Steven Pressfield books are really good, the non-fiction ones, I've never read his fiction. He writes about overcoming 'resistance'. I'm starting with the first book again 'The War of Art' ......
"Most of us have two lives. The life we live, and the unlived life within us. Between the two stands resistance"
Rest of today for me - finsih up here, gym, lunch, zero air rifle (we have a rabbit issue!) then do one hour of work - focused and not getting distracted online. This sounds ridiculous but it would be one hour more than I have achieved in the last month.
 
Good day y'day. Followed my 'program' and it helps.
Mountain biked and worked. Did more work in that afternoon than in the last few months. It's a fantastic feeling. I forget how good it feels to not feel so subconsciously negative about myself 24/7 - it's there but I don't realise it.

I was thinking what is it that I do that means I can reboot as I have done it 3 times before and stayed 'clean' for a while?
It's the commitment to it all I think - I come on here, meditate, read. It's a regular commitment to staying clean - like training for an event is.
However in the past I have slipped and it's got hold of me again and I have let it really get hold. So this time I need to work out what to do to not let happen.
Come here for longer not just 30/90/100 days but 360+?
Deal with some of these issues that lurk from the past. I am not sure what dealing with them means but it's something I haven't investigated.
 

humbull

Member
Samarkand Searcher said:
Deal with some of these issues that lurk from the past. I am not sure what dealing with them means but it's something I haven't investigated.

Yes Yes Yes S! Remember Porn is not the problem, it a symptom.

Best to you!
 

gymaddict

Member
Prayers for  you bro.

On your past failures that haunt you, confessing them to another guy that you trust will free you from their power.  This is all part of step work of SA, SAA, Celebrate Recovery, etc.

I can truthfully tell you that confessing to another guy or a deeply confidential support group of men in recovery, will help you.  It did for me.  It freed me on the power of those scars on my soul.

Dr Ted Roberts encourages men to list the ten worst things that have happened to them in their lives.  He says that when  you do this, and confess and discuss them with another man or a support group of sexually/porn addicted men in recovery, you will be healed.  I can say from personal experience that Dr. Roberts is correct. 

We men all have lots of baggage in our lives and it is normal for a man to hide this baggage.  Freedom comes from bringing that baggage into the light of truth and the support of other men who are just as flawed as you and me. 
 

Firstbigstep

Active Member
Hi Samarkand Searcher.

Bizarre that I have been away from here for a while, then pick up your thread. Serendipity maybe.

A lot of what you describe sounds horribly familiar - the inability to just get on with life, to focus, to apply oneself. I've battled that for years without ever knowing what was at its core.

November last year gave me the clue as to the fact that my porn use might be part of the root. I've given up porn since (apart from the last week - hence my return here) but I too feel there is something deep in my past that I need to resolve. It would be great if I knew what it was!

If you want a non judgmental sounding board to work through any of this, feel free to message me.

I need to get back into my good routines, including visiting here. I think I had become complacent.

Good luck with your reboot - I'm considering the last week (triggered by some painful personal rejection) as a temporary diversion. I'm still within sight of the path I should be on, so I'm going to cut across country and get back on the original route.
 
Hi

THANKS Humbull, gymaddict and Firstbigstep - it's feels really good to be supported!

I probably do need to look at the past as it's something I have only done internally and never with a counsellor or anyone like that. There have been things that I don't think I have ever dealt with.

Firstbigstep - I read all your posts and I think the fact that I havent dealt with these things is why I feel like a kid stuck in an adults body sometimes. I may be stuck back there at times - I think you said something similar? I know what these things are. Some of them are big and obvious. Some were more subtle I had to go back to when I first saw porn, then my relationship with girls etc to work them out. I think they are related and just needed picking apart.

I think I had become complacent in the past when I have fallen right off the wagon. I am thinking now that it's something that I need to work at all the time.

The meditation seems to help me concentrate and not following every sexual thought I have does too.

My wife works away during the week Mon-Thu so this is my challenging time. When I was driving earlier today and I'd see an attractive woman my mind would wander and I'd thinking about getting online when I got back home. I managed to catch myself and remind myself what a huge waste of time that would lead to. Aim for tonight - get to bed early'ish.

I think you're right to see any slips as a temporary diversion. The mistake I see with people trying to lose weight is that when they have one slip they think the diet is over, beat themselves up and then give it up as a failure. Rather than accepting the short term slp and getting back on it. This is good......

"I'm still within sight of the path I should be on, so I'm going to cut across country and get back on the original route."

Are you still running?
 
A good day today - busy and a bit stressful but I was with people and that's good.

It's funny now that I am home and I'm Hungry, Lonely and Tired (I'm just missing the Angry from the HALT trigger acronym. Thoughts have turned to what I could do before I go to sleep. I came on here to re-inforce the fact that I don't need to go online for PMO or to 'connect' for the wrong reasons.

I can make the right choices. Off to bed now.
 

fr0thing

Member
Read "Feels Like Redemption" - this is a huge help - you can also get the audiobook
https://www.amazon.com/Feels-Like-Redemption-Pilgrimage-Healing/dp/0692217355/

I'm 49 and I was on the same treadmill for many years - tried to stop and couldn't. The physical and mental urges were just too strong. One night I was watching YouTube videos on NDE's - near-death experiences. Hundreds of people - average citizens from all walks of life gave testimonials of the afterlife - yes the afterlife is real, yes heaven is real and yes eternal torment in hell is real. For example:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kJoXttpnmS8
Upon the realization that porn and really any unrepentant sin jeopardizes your salvation I immediately stopped all porn from that day forward and found salvation in Jesus Christ. God loves us and wants us to be with Him.
Since that day I have had zero desire to even think of porn. I've had a few dreams and a few flashbacks but I fight them off with every fiber of my being. It's been over 90 days and things have gotten much easier. The memories and dreams have faded and I'm replacing the negative thoughts with positive new experiences.
Some people have defeated their addiction by other means but for me faith in the Lord Jesus Christ is the way.
'Jesus said to him, ?I am the way, the truth, and the life. No one comes to the Father except through Me."' (John 14:6)
?Christ died for our sins according to the Scriptures, that he was buried, that he was raised on the third day.? (1 Corinthians 15:3-5)

Replace pornography with positive things. Try to avoid the computer except for work. Connecting with real people is a great cure - family and friends. Look to help others. Get a New King James Version Bible and read the book of Mark and Philippians. Both are relatively short and easy to understand. Seek and you shall find. Go hiking, biking, take long walks. I would hike everyday in the hills. Listen to sermons. Fill your life with everything good and pure.

Peace
 

workinprogressUK

Well-Known Member
Samarkand Searcher said:
I think there is quite a bit lurking back in the past that I've never resolved. Do you think we have to address these things to move forward? .

I absolutely do, my friend. Otherwise we're just bottling up the original source of anxiety that caused us to take refuge in porn, and sooner or later, the pressure will build up enough and that anxiety will force its way out. Maybe in a porn relapse, but perhaps in some other self-destructive behaviour. It's why you see guys like me holding down a recovery for 2-3-4 years and then falling off the wagon when they thought they had it beaten. Got to resolve those underlying issues.
 
Thanks guys - support is great.

NewMe48 - thanks for the book tips!

workingprogressUK - is resolving past issues something you've done? I genuinely don't really know what this process would look like?
I know what they are and why they make me the way I am sometimes - both good and bad but other than that I'm not sure.

In other news, as they say, I think it's been a whole week with no P-M or O and no acting out on-line more importantly. Can I have a badge?
I have noticed triggers and little thoughts that have crept in but I haven't acted on them. I have been really busy and oddly really tired.
I haven't really trained either (my knee went a bit wobbly a week ago)

The forum has been great - I would like to spend more time here.
 

workinprogressUK

Well-Known Member
Samarkand Searcher said:
workingprogressUK - is resolving past issues something you've done? I genuinely don't really know what this process would look like?

It's something I've tried, with varying degrees of success. I won't go into the gory details, but here's a bit of a tell. My sex and porn addictions were in part down to feelings of inadequacy that had developed since puberty. I have always felt utterly unattractive to the opposite sex and inferior to everybody of my own gender, regardless of any rational analysis to the contrary, even down to thinking that the only reason I was married was because my wife couldn't find anybody less of a loser. Porn was my hiding place and that escalated to a more physical sex addiction. When I stopped acting out and stopped using porn, life started to regulate. But I still felt like a total loser. I still didn't wholly trust my marriage, because I still considered that my wife only married me because nobody else wanted her, which is a horrible way to think. I still had difficulty managing my place in the pecking order of guys and felt regularly belittled and resentful. But I no longer had my porn habit to hide in. That comfort blanket was removed. So the next time I felt belittled by a guy at a party, with a few drinks inside me, instead of scurrying away and taking refuge in friendly porn, I smashed him in the face. All sorts of pandemonium ensued, quite rightly. That's unacceptable behaviour. And a year later, whilst still off the porn, a similar thing happened, and I punched another guy in the face for what I perceived was his humiliating me when I was full of drink. Only this time I got arrested and charged with assault, thrown out of the family home by my wife, and banned from the sports club that was my social hub - a pariah. And quite right too. So I'd kicked my porn habit, but hadn't addressed the self esteem issues, petty resentments, alcohol problems and relationship issues that were underlying my addiction all along. It was a couple of years after I kicked porn that I finally started to analyse these deeper problems, get help and find appropriate coping strategies. I'm not fully fixed yet, but I'm safe and functional and much more respectful of the brilliant marriage I'm very fortunate to have.

So that's how I see it, my friend. I had stopped using porn for two years, but I was still a total fuck-up and a ticking bomb, because I was fixing the outcome, rather than the issue. Hope that makes some sense  :eek:

Never intended to pour out an essay, so I apologise for that!
 

Firstbigstep

Active Member
Hey S S...

No need to apologise - your "essay" is very helpful. Where did you start with identifying and resolving some of the issues you faced  (which sound SO familiar! )

I genuinely don't know where to turn at the moment.

The good news is that I have found a great group of people through my running. They accept me as I am and I've been running 2 or 3 times a week. It's going pretty well - 5k Park Runs on a Saturday morning,  a social run on a Tuesday evening and I did my first 10k in 20 years last Sunday.
 
Hi WorkinginprogressUK

Thanks for sharing that. Did you get 'professional' help for this? or work it out on your own?
I think you explained it all really well there. It's helped me.

Firstbigstep - the 'essay' (that was short for an essay) wasn't  mine but WorkingprogressUK. Running - that's great!!!!
I honestly believe that physical activity is the one thing that has stopped me from completely going off the rails at times. I have only realised that in the last few years I think. I've been running on and off since I was 9 and beginning to creak at bit (actually my knees do audibley creak on the stairs!)

When I have more time I'll come here and write out what I think my issues are and how they show themselves. I saw it all as clear as day when I was meditating once and I wasn't even trying to bring them to mind - they all just appeared along with the links to my behaviour.

I am really looking forward to next week now. I have a busy one but there are a couple of afternoons where I should be able to get on here and think.

Thanks again you two!

 
Hi FBS (can I call you FBS?)

23 hours - whoa that's huge! What do you do?

All good here. Nice weekend with friends. I notice how when I am not in the grip of this addiction I don't seem to get dragged into moaning about stuff and I can see why people say the things that they do. It's like I'm looking down on the situation rather than being stuck in it. The effects of it run deeper than  I think sometimes.

Busy 10 days ahead - just got to keep 'running the program' - meditate, come here, post, read.


 
Well it will be 2 weeks tomorrow - no PMO or 'acting out' online. The difference that it makes to so many aspects of my life is huge. Confidence, eye contact, articulacy (if that's a word), self- esteem, enthusiasm and it goes on. Things just have a habit of just working out better too. May be I am seeing more opportunities? Who knows?

I need to remind myself that this work is something that I need to keep on doing, basically in one form or another, for ever. Maybe if I can sort out my past issues it could be less? When I have worked out how to do that, I'll see if it could be less frequently but for now it has to be daily.

One thing that is odd, is that I can stay not using quite easily when I am not using, but when I do use it's feels alomst imposssible to stop.

Anyway I can''t get complacent - this journey needs to be down a very long road this time. There are real triggers and some have happened as I type this. Got to keep on keeping on!
 
2 weeks today.
Tough evening - long travel then I have to work late. Feeling a bit lonely and sorry for myself. Nervous about work tomorrow. In the past I'd 'cure' all this by going on-line. BUT I should remember that would lead to no sleep, insecure feelings and foggy head which adds up to a bad day tomorrow.

Tonight it's a chai tea and coming on here! Thank you.
 
Well on Monday I 'slipped' and it resulted in a bit of a binge for an afternoon.
Not relapsed since. So that's once in 3 weeks - going to forgive myself that one and strive to make sure it doesn't happen again.
I can see why it happened - I was under a lot of stress, was really tired and there were several triggers.
Had a few urges this week but it has come to nothing - probably a bit of a bounce after Monday.
Really looking forward to using my time constructively next week. When I think of slipping then it really turns my stomach.
 
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