severe pied? feel like giving up - any guidance much appreciated

H

Hockey14

Member
I thought I would share my very sad sad story. Any words of wisdom/encouragement would be much appreciated.

I am an athletic 20 yr old straight male. Had been seriously addicted to jacking it to fully clothed instagram models (and extremely embarrassed about it) since I was about 17 years old. I only did this because I was a fool and did not know the harm i was causing myself. Instagram models are all i really ever used to get me going, but sometimes just used my imagination. Experienced somewhat weak erections for a couple months leading up to my flatline, until sometime in march when it felt like a switch flipped in my head and I could no longer get it up to anything at all. I am almost sure the problem isn't below the belt because I get very occasional morning wood and maybe once every couple days after 10 minutes of playing pocket pool (without using imagination) ill feel signs of life in my pants, but this is very infrequent and rarely occurs.

I have a girlfriend who I love very much, we started going out after my initial flatline. Spending time with her feels rehabilitating, but I feel immense guilt whenever I'm around her. Were taking things slow, mostly because I feel too much shame to be able to tell ANYONE (even my doctor) about my problems let alone her. It feels like I am intentionally pushing her away at times and I hate myself for it. It adds to the guilt keeping quiet about my condition, but I know it would bring me to tears no matter who I told and I am just not prepared to do that.

I started going to the gym with old friends and running long distances almost every day to blow off steam but it doesn't ease the pain much. Now I am more fit than ever before, but it honestly makes me feel even worse knowing how broken i am on the inside.

I am now about exactly 3 months in to my reboot with basically zero improvement. I had some pretty severe depression for about the entirety of the 2nd-3rd month and that feels slightly less severe now, but it still has been coming back in cycles. That is about the only thing that has changed.

Thanks for reading
 
C

CROUS

Member
Hi Hockey14,

I think the first step to improve your mental condition is to leave these misplaced feelings of guilt and shame behind. You feel these negative emotions for what reason exactly? Masturbating to models with clothes on? Masturbating is natural. Could be that those feelings or the depression are giving you some form of PA or ED.
Second, from my experience it is way better to tell your girlfriend about your ED and your struggles. That way she can make sense out of your behavior and might not be tempted to project it onto her. Who knows, she might even support you and help you out. Whether she is going to do that or not, you will have to go through a reboot and you will have to work through your negative emotions. Might as well do it together.

(I don't know much about your cultural background though, and it might be the case that masturbation is seen as something morally wrong in your country -  from religious or anther cultural influence. Also I don't know your gf and cannot predict her reaction to your "confession".)

However, you love her very much and at the same time push her away. And that is something that's most probably not going to end well. Those are ingredients for misunderstandings and a tragic (because preventable) break-up, if you ask me. Also, it sounds to me that you isolate yourself in the sense that you try to tackle the problem alone. A good step is coming here and seek help and advice. But a forum can only do so much.
And lastly, do not obsess about the situation. I think everyone of us felt inadequate and/or broken at some point. But trust me, there is light at the end of the tunnel. Seek physical closeness to your girlfriend, rewire, reboot, and talk your negative emotions off the chest. You won't be "broken" forever. And you sure will have a fulfilled (sexual) life.

You can do it! Good luck!

Peace.
 
H

Hockey14

Member
CROUS said:
Hi Hockey14,

I think the first step to improve your mental condition is to leave these misplaced feelings of guilt and shame behind. You feel these negative emotions for what reason exactly? Masturbating to models with clothes on? Masturbating is natural. Could be that those feelings or the depression are giving you some form of PA or ED.
Second, from my experience it is way better to tell your girlfriend about your ED and your struggles. That way she can make sense out of your behavior and might not be tempted to project it onto her. Who knows, she might even support you and help you out. Whether she is going to do that or not, you will have to go through a reboot and you will have to work through your negative emotions. Might as well do it together.

(I don't know much about your cultural background though, and it might be the case that masturbation is seen as something morally wrong in your country -  from religious or anther cultural influence. Also I don't know your gf and cannot predict her reaction to your "confession".)

However, you love her very much and at the same time push her away. And that is something that's most probably not going to end well. Those are ingredients for misunderstandings and a tragic (because preventable) break-up, if you ask me. Also, it sounds to me that you isolate yourself in the sense that you try to tackle the problem alone. A good step is coming here and seek help and advice. But a forum can only do so much.
And lastly, do not obsess about the situation. I think everyone of us felt inadequate and/or broken at some point. But trust me, there is light at the end of the tunnel. Seek physical closeness to your girlfriend, rewire, reboot, and talk your negative emotions off the chest. You won't be "broken" forever. And you sure will have a fulfilled (sexual) life.

You can do it! Good luck!

Peace.
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Thank you for this - Means a lot.
 
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