My Story and The Beginning

[Strike a true path]

Hello, js. Like you, I have very low (in fact fairly non existent for me) libido this lately and my response to that is the same: to not allow myself to get stressed or dwell on it. Seems it comes with porn withdrawal and is a (hopefully) short term price we have to pay in order to free ourselves. I am trusting that things will get better in time. Luckily my girlfriend has quite a low sex drive herself at the moment -I am so lucky it coincides with mine.
Good to read your journal, I specially like the way you have got your priorities so well sorted. Its clear how you value your family so much and how powerful an incentive this is to keep on track with your recovery

 

[js2004]

Late Afternoon Thoughts - Day 39

Thanks STP.  My libido has wained a tad but I feel good about things. The temptations are much easier to deal with now than they were a few weeks back.  Generally speaking I am definitely glad I am getting my head out of my ass when it comes to P&M.  I do feel good about where I am at.  My head is certainly much clearer and that in and of itself is a good thing. Thanks for reading.

 

[js2004]

Morning Thoughts ? Day 40

Still P&M free although yesterday was a tough one.  My son can be extremely negative sometimes and it is super stressful for me when he gets that way.  It?s even worse because he is only 9 years old . . . so trying to build his self-esteem before he really has problems is becoming a priority for me.  That?s kind-of where I am at right now.

As for P&M I didn?t really think about it much this weekend, was too busy keeping occupied with yard work.  Was a hot for the SO Sat night, a huge win in my mind, although nothing happened it was a good experience because I didn?t really feel rejected . . . second huge win in my mind!  I feel like my libido is coming back slowly and that?s a good thing because I am solely interested in my SO as P&M are really a turn off for me at this point, another huge win in my mind.

Lots of good sharing on the SA call this morning.  I really feel like this reboot/recovery is different from my last two attempts.  Not that I didn?t take them seriously but this time around I feel more empowered about staying P&M free.  I am opening up more on my SA calls and really making a connection with my therapist.  I really feel like I am on the right path.  Thanks for reading!     

 

[js2004]

Evening Thoughts - Day 40

A good day, not much else other than that. Still P&M free. 

 

[Strike a true path]

Good to hear things are going so well for you at your 40 day mark.

 

[js2004]

Late Morning Thoughts - Day 41

Thanks STP. I have been thinking that the flatline I think I am in at this point is actually pretty good. It's nice not to be craving P&M or sex 24/7. I was reading a success story on here yesterday and the author talked about how he used to embrace them as they gave him an opportunity to let his mind relax from all of the garbage. It makes total sends to me as well. I do feel like my mind is at rest with all of it like some part of my brain has basically shut down. Anyways just my take on it. Other than that it's good to be free of the shit and I hope to stay that way. Thanks for reading.

 

[js2004]

Afternoon Thoughts - Day 41

What an aweful disease this is. I spent some time reading through the women's journals and the story is the same. It's hard to wrap my head around it sometimes how this thing gripped me for so long and in the end I allowed to be put in harms way and almost lost the things most dear to me.

As side from that I'm feeeling pretty good. I'm ready for the weekend though, sadly it's only Tuesday.  It much else to say, so thanks for reading.

 

[Johnnieknu]

Congrats on making it through day 41.  I'm only with day 2 but find inspiration through you guys.  Thanks for posting regularly as it helps to see the day to day from others.

 

[Strike a true path]

Hi js Your near miss at losing all that's dear to you was your big wake up call and your very powerful incentive to stay away from the  porn. I'm sure you very much regret things getting to that stage, but the really important and very positive thing is that you have learned from it and chosen to reclaim your life and to be there for the people you love. You found the courage to face the situation and from your posts its obvious that you are absolutely determined.
Another day nearer to that weekend...

 

[js2004]

Mid-Morning Thoughts ? Day 42

Thanks for the support John and STP, that?s really what this forum is about for me.  I try to keep my mind occupied and try not to think about P&M to much during the day.  In fact the thoughts of P&M are getting less and less with each passing day.  My own mental and emotional state right now is pretty sound . . . things are going very well and I feel like this reboot/recovery has a better foundation than my last two attempts.

I am traveling for work next week and that was a big time P&M issue for me. I would also search Craigslist to chat.  I am getting a plan in place for the down time in my hotel room and I am seriously considering asking the desk clerk to take my phone from me for the evening.  Anyone have any thought/suggestions I would love to hear them.  Thanks for reading.       

 

[TakeActionNow]

Hi JS, thank you for helping me all this while.
Thank you for giving me a chance to reciprocate.

1. Keep a note book and keep with you always
- write whatever is meaningful for you in your life ( wife/family/ loving home etc)
- list down all the alternative measures you can take
- refer to the note book often whenever you need to
- remind yourself that you are accountable to God, your wife and family. Visualize them in the room with you.

2. bring a big photo of your family and place it in front of your phone or wherever you can see it easily

3. call your wife whenever you have challenges. Tell her you love her and how much she means to you. Call her often.

4. Love and respect yourself deeply

5. spend time helping others by logging into this forum and other forums and contribute

6. spend time thinking/doing/buying back what you can for your happy family while you are away

7. spend time to help others by doing volunteer/charity work ( find out in advance where you can )

8. set a goal to read a book. Make sure you complete a chapter a day. Set a goal to share about the story with your wife when you return

9. bring an interesting hobby with you to complete that will take up a few hours. learn drawing or a second language or sign language. Make the goal of showing it when you return

10 go to the nearest supermarket and spend time studying the products/prices. You'd learn something. This is to keep you out of your room and lounges where you might chat someone up or do something you dont want to. In the meanwhile you are learning new things and keeping busy.

11. If you cannot sleep at night, get out of the room and bring a book to the lobby to read. Dont talk with anyone. Go back up after a while and turn off all the lights and get to sleep.

12 With respect, if you must M, do it to the picture of your wife only. ( i'm not sure if this is appropriate, perhaps have a word with her first how you'd like to carry this out? Its effective as it gets the issue out of your system)

13. Keep facetime on with your wife even when you are not talking with her. Turn it off only when you are going to bed.

14. Keep a hand written journal. Write that which interests you. Currently i have 2: one is my daily life, another is the summary of whatever chapter I am reading 

Hope this helps. 

 

[js2004]

Afternoon Thoughts - Day 43

Thanks TAN those are great ideas. I don't plan on M though but like the idea of the family photo. In fact I have the one picked out in my mind already. The whole travel thing is my week spot and I need to maintain my strength when I'm out for work. My last relapse was the result of a work trip and I just don't want to start over.

Aside from that it's a good day, hot to say the least but a good day. Thanks for reading.

 

[TakeActionNow]

I would like to add 2 more:

1. Greater Price
Write on a big piece of paper the number of days you've been clean, and keep it very visible.

I'm only 12 but the idea of erasing 12 long days in return for a few minutes of hand action just seems too ridiculous.

Its helped me to quickly move away from material and stay clean today.

2. Broader accountability
JS, you are my role model and your words have always been sincere and empathetic.
When faced with challenges, think of us from the reboot community. Be our role model and teacher and show us the standard and way we all can aspire to and stay clean.

I wont let you down and i know you wont let us down too. I have the strongest faith in you.

You have it in you to make it though

 

[js2004]

Morning Thoughts - Day 43

Love the sign idea with writing my days down TAN, definitely going to do that. Might even take a pick and post it here (if I don't give my phone to the front desk).

Anyways it's a good day. I broke the 40 day mark this week and I dropped 10lbs from exercising and eating right. Feeling good about my reboot but not over confident. Urges are definitely eaiser to deal with and I feel more focus on the present instead of fantasizing about P. This forum has been a big help. So I'm looking forward to another day free of P&M. Thanks for reading.

 

[js2004]

Early Afternoon Thoughts - Day 43

Thank god it's Friday. I'm so ready to go the hell home from work and enjoy the weekend. It was a long week but I made it and still remainn P&M free. Very little temptations this week too. Next week will be harder because I'm traveling but I have some good ideas on staying P&M free while on the road.

Anyways I feel really good about where I am at with my reboot. I really feel like I'm doing this and have a real shot at being successful. I keep envisioning myself P&M free at Christmas time. Not sure where this comes from but I just imagine still being P&M free on Christmas morn. I know stupid but that's what's in my head and if that what it takes then so be it. Enough ranting - thanks for reading.

 

[TakeActionNow]

JS,
you're jackpot on doing the right things.

Visualizing success is THE way to success.

You'll be clean for your trip because your mind and heart are all in the right places.
You have your goal. Now go deliver and acknowledge your accomplishment next weekend.
Remember us. I await your good news. Godspeed

 

[js2004]

Morning Thoughts ? Day 45

Thanks TAN.  Still P&M free and that?s great, but I will say the chaser effect is real and potent (the SO and I had some bedroom activities a couple of times this weekend). The temptations I had this morning were hellishly strong.  The car ride to work was more-or-less me daydreaming on and off.  I had a hard time focusing on the SA call as well.  But I made it to work and I?m feeling much better now.  Other than that it was a pretty good weekend.  Was pre-occupied most of the weekend with yard work and shopping.  Was out yesterday and really didn?t look at any other women other than my SO.  Not sure why the chaser hit me this morning but oh-well. 

To be honest I felt like I needed to check out of the forum for a couple of days, was focusing too much on the negative aspects of P&M and rebooting instead of the positives I have felt.  Sometimes reading through posts is a double edged sword and it was nice to not dwell on any of this or any of the effects.  Well that?s enough for now ? thanks for reading.     

 

[js2004]

Afternoon Thoughts - Day 45

Chaser is still there.  I'm struggling to keep P off of my mind.  I know I can't look at P as my life becomes unmanageable and I will feel like shit afterwords. Beside it's a false feeling. It's my brain tricking me.  I don't need to look at P.  I need to get control of my thoughts.

 

[js2004]

Early Evening Thoughtful - Day 45

Made it through that temptation.  Unfortunately I totally blew my diet but oh well, anything is better than P&M right now.  I fucking ate like a champ too, pizza with extra cheese, sausage and pepperoni and wings.  Tasted like heaven and I feel way f'ing better.  I don't recommend that solution for every temptation but that one was bad, full blown P craving.  Came from no where too, got me totally side tracked at work.  Anyways, thanks for reading.

 

[TakeActionNow]

You're doing great JS.
Stay focused and you'll come out of this episode unscathed and understanding yourself better.
You can do this !