My Story and The Beginning

TakeActionNow

Respected Member
JS,
you're doing great.
dont be afraid, even if you dont have solutions now, it will come to you gradually.
dont punish yourself, and take each step with a deep breath.
after many deep breaths you'll feel calmer
Like a flu, you'll get better. I promise you.
 

js2004

Active Member
Morning Thoughts-Day 62

Thanks TAN. My emotions are pretty much in check today so I'm feeling much better. Anyways, I got hot this morning thinking about my wife so I had to push that out of my mind. Other than that no real thoughts for P&M.  My libido is hot and cold. Not sure if that part of the reboot process or age but it is kind of nice to go into a flatline very so often.  I'm heading to the beach for vaca on Sat and I'm really looking forward to the down time. I'm debating checking out of here for a few days as well just to let my mind rest from it all. But we will see what happens. Thanks for reading. 
 

js2004

Active Member
Evening Thoughts - Day 62

Feeling okay. No real urges and sitting around relaxing in front of the TV. Looking forward to the beach and not worrying about P&M. Thanks for reading.
 

js2004

Active Member
Bedtime Thoughts - Day 62

Feeling good about where my Reboot is at but not so much with my weight. Feel off the exercise wagon.  Anyways I see my therapist tomorrow so that should be thought provoking to say the least.  Not much else to say, so thanks for reading.
 

js2004

Active Member
Bedtime Thoughts - Day 68

Still P&M free but it's been a struggle these last few days. Being at the beach around women dressed in next to nothing, not good to say the least.  Caught myself fantasizing this morning but jumped out of bed just to get it out of my head. Anyways I'm beat so off to bed. Thanks for reading.
 

TakeActionNow

Respected Member
JS,

attractions and distractions are all attentions the mind gives to keep itself occupied.

Please try these few things:
1.
Set hard goals : read 3 chapters of a book/ walk 1 mile / swim for 30 mins
Once your are focused on completing your tasks you will not be distracted
Of course celebrate your achievements thereafter and feel great about yourself !

2.
Be mindful
Slow down all your actions and observe what your mind and actions are doing.
Study yourself intently and do the things you think are beneficial to yourself.

take care my friend
 

js2004

Active Member
Early Evening Thoughts - Day 73

Been a while since I've been on here.  I wanted to check out for a little bit while I was on vacation Anyways, had several up days and down days.  The urges hit a few times and were significantly worse than they have been in a while. Not sure why, but they were much like the were at day 5, stronge and intense.  I think some of it was being on vacation and out of my routine and the lack of bedroom activities with my wife.  So looking forward to getting back into the normal grind of work.  Thanks for reading. 
 

js2004

Active Member
Early Morning Thoughts - Day 76

I have to admit I have really been struggling lately. I think it is a combination of several things. Frustration with me SO, my career my life, a general feeling of not having joy. It hasn't lead me down the PMO path but I feel like I'm close. I'm s not an urge as opposed to that general feeling of helplessness perhaps. Thankfully I'm sitting in a vet empty airport terminal waiting to board a plane so no chance of using but I can't help but to dwell on it he feeling. It's like I'm in this hole feverishly trying to climb out.

The bitten line is I'm tired of feeling this way and I need to get out of the whole. What I need to do is stop worrying about the things I can't control and focus on what I can fix. I need to make it a point to get back on here and be engaged. I find when I am reading and supporting others in their journals that it helps me focus on healing and moving forward as well. So thanks for reading and more to come.
 

aquarius25

Respected Member
Your journal is very amazing. You describe yourself well. As I read through I could really see how much you desire to change. You seem to be really trying to find your root causes and if sounds like the need to be liked and not rejected coupled with the need for joy seem to be at the heart. (Just from what I read) DO you have any hobbies? DO you have a craft or something you have always wanted to try? Have you talked to your wife about this need for more joy? Maybe she is feeling the same? Maybe this is an opportunity to discover a whole new part of yourself and your relationship? To show your kids that when you start to feel stagnate in life you can push to further places than you ever imagined! Show them you never stop learning and improving. Accept yourself completely because you will alway look to other for validation when you are uncertain if you are enough. When you are confident and ok with who you are, then you don't need others to validate you. I struggle with myself, so I understand it is not easy. I believe that we are all special and unique though, so pouring into discovering the uniqueness within yourself is a great and empowering way to start. Also seeing and discovering that in my kids, it is amazing to see them start to really have confidence and discover the world and how they fit in it. In our house, we talk about character a ton and incorporate that into our parenting. We went online and found some character definitions and "I Will" statements for how to achieve those character traits. It helps the kids but honestly, my husband and I have learned a lot about our own character in the process too. Just a thought.

Keep up the amazing progress, you are doing really well!
 

js2004

Active Member
Thanks for the support Aquarius, your words mean a lot and you certainly have a good perspective on this.

Anyways I relapsed last night so I'm back to day 1. Not that I was really counting anymore.  I didn't use P, I just MO. But I still felt the shame and disappointment of it. I plan on reviewing my day and what lead up to it. I need to use this as a learning tool and move forward.  More to come later.
 

Strike a true path

Active Member
Well done for picking yourself up and getting back on track with what you really want js. As you say, its a good learning opportunity. Also, its still worth celebrating the amazing amount of time that you have stayed off the porn. Maybe you should keep that count going, and just start a new separate one for MO?
 

lyon03

Respected Member
Hey JS. I join the others in encouraging you to come back, share exactly what happened, and encourage your fellow rebooters. We're dealing with porn addiction and porn addiction is harder to give up than cocaine or meth. You're not a lone my friend. I look forward to your next post. PORN IS NOT AN OPTION. 
 
Hey js, for what its worth, it seems like you're considering yourself a failure for MO, please don't. We are each different and each have our own path to follow. No two paths are exactly alike and to say that you MO and you are back to day 1 can feel very defeating and may not be the best way to look at this situation.

The way I see it, you MO 1x in several months, you've made significant progress and can learn and take something from that experience, all of it, each and everyday of the months you've been on this journey. You're working to change behavior and that comes with a lot of charge to it, so it is necessary to be very compassionate with yourself.
 

TakeActionNow

Respected Member
JS,

I hope you're alright.
we are human. There is no shame in being imperfect.
what is important is to keep learning, keep getting up, keep on walking.

Stay or go, that choice always remains with you.
But know that you will always be appreciated because you have always been a good and decent man.
 
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