My Story and The Beginning

js2004

Active Member
Hey All,
I'm starting my journal here today.  I had been on Porn Addiction Info on their forums but they are shutting down as of tomorrow 6/23. I have been in reboot mode since October but had a few set backs, one as recently as June 8 but have been PM free since then and feel great about it. 

My story, much like others, goes back a bit but my real issue occurred about 10 years ago with the arrival of my first born. Not sure why but the stress of fatherhood started me down the daily PM path.  It started out innocent enough but soon became a real problem. I would go a few days without but would always find my way back.  It finally escalated back in October 2016 when it lead me to Craigslist and an encounter that went horribly wrong. Needless to say I opened up about everything to my SO a few days later and have been rebooting since.  I attend SA calls on a regular basis and also see a therapist about every two weeks.

I'm here because I found keeping a journal to be therapeutic and really liked posting on PAI's boards.  I'm looking forward to sharing stories and chiming in on others posts and generally looking for simple straightforward advice on how to stay free of the garbage that got me here in the first place.  Thanks for reading.
 

js2004

Active Member
Early Evening Thoughs

Was home by myself and didnt even think about PMO.  Looking forward to vacation with my family and much needed time away from work. I am craving my wife right now, but not likely anything will happen as we have way to much to do tonight. I can honestly say that I do not suffer from any PIED so I guess I am lucky in that respect. Blown away by the amount of stories on here that have that issue.  Even more motivation for me to stay in recovery and PM free.
 
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Numez

Guest
you are very lucky. i dont know how you managed to figure out how much porn is bad if you did not caught yourself some PIED symptoms. i was an addict before PIED but i was blind to it. problems were always unrelated to porn use and i would lie about it just so i can keep doing it.. because i thought its a blessing, like a stress reliever.

good luck have fun.
 

js2004

Active Member
Sorry you feel that way man, but life is always worth living.  When I had those thoughts as a teenager, I found something to look forward too.  Metallica was always worth looking forward too. 
 

js2004

Active Member
Bed Time Thoughts.

Well another day another dollar.  PM free and happy to stay that way. Looking forward to vacation beginning tomorrow.  Low hits today, in fact didn't really think about PM for the better part of the day. Stay safe and thanks for reading.
 
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AndyNJ

Guest
Sounds like you've got the right attitude, JS, and you're very self aware.  Stay calm and on the path. 
 

js2004

Active Member
Evening Thoughts

Thanks for the positive feed back.  I have a lot to be thankful for and to stay PM free as well.  It has been a really long day on the road and I am pretty tired. But I'm still PM free so I'm thankful.  Looking forward to tomorrow and finally arriving at out final destination. More to come and thanks for reading.
 

js2004

Active Member
Early Morning Thoughts

Day 17 PM free - feels good actually.  Now that I think about it I can't remember when my SO and I had sex last. The temptations are still there but I keep pushing myself through them. My triggers are definitely boredom/free time and stress. There are to many good things in my life to be happy for, P will take all that away. I know the ultimate issue in my life is dealing with the emotions that lead me to PMO so at some point I need to deal with those too.  Thanks for reading.
 
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AndyNJ

Guest
Congrats on another clean day, JS.  I'm hoping that the emotions that lead to PMO can be curtailed by ending my addiction.  PMO functions in a way as a means for allowing them to exist (because they can be "relieved"), but I think by ending PMO the emotions get exposed and potentially weakened.  For example, if I know that morning stress thinking about work leads to temptation for PMO, and I don't do PMO, I'm confronted with that stress right there and then and have to deal with it in some other way. 
 

js2004

Active Member
Mid Afternoon Thoughts

Thanks AndyNJ. Stress is always an emotion that leads me to PMO. It is one I have to be careful with and keep in check. Finally arrived in TN and now it's time to relax. I'm feeling really good and not really tempted at all. Although I do need to keep my eyes to myself. Thanks for reading.
 

js2004

Active Member
Afternoon Thoughts

Feeling full.  Although I have no desire for PM right now, keeping my eyes to myself is a challenge.  The first look is on God, the rest is on me, but damn is it a constant struggle.  Just need to stay focused and remember what is important. Thanks for reading.
 

js2004

Active Member
Bedtime Thoughts

Another day clean. Had a few emotional out bursts though, but to be expected when one is on vacation surrounded by way more people than I like to be around. Actually kept my eyes to myself for the most part.  Feels good though not thinking about P. Thanks for reading.
 

js2004

Active Member
Morning Thoughts - Day 19

Rejection blows. It's one of the hardest emotions I have to deal with. I feel like it totally demoralizes me. I have always felt that way about rejection as for as I can remember.  Oddly enough it was this emotion that I used to push me higher up the corporate ladder.  Channeling it into success but relieving it through PM. Now the problem is I'm topped out at my job and rebooting so I have to deal with it for the first time in my life and it sucks. Anyways thanks for reading.
 

js2004

Active Member
Bedtime Thoughts - Day 19

Made it another day PM free.  Extremely tired right now and not tempted, in fact the exact opposite, feeling like I'm not interested in O at all.  I'm certain this is all part of the process but it is a strange feeling indeed.  Thanks for reading. 
 

js2004

Active Member
Lunchtime Thoughts - Day 20

Tough to keep my eyes to myself in the summer months which then leads me to P of the mind. Today I feel ok though just tough to focus. I definitely like being outside of the P fog I just wish the urge to obsess over every damn attractive women that walked by me would subside. It's like my imagination takes hold and boom, I have to make a conscious effort to bring myself back out of it. The constant struggle I suppose. Anyways that's why I'm here posting. Thanks for reading. 
 

js2004

Active Member
Morning Thoughts - Day 21

Another day another dollar. Heading out today to a theme park so I so I need to keep my eyes to myself. Especially since I'm feeling lonely and frustrated. Does anyone else feel that way when their SO rejects them physically. What do you do, how to you cope?  PMO used to be my method to feel better but that's not an option any more.
 

js2004

Active Member
Morning Thoughts - Day 22

Well another day free of P. I really don't feel to badly. Yesterday was a little rough but to be expected when you are around scantily dressed women in a hot amusement park. Should be more of the same today though. Really for me right now the P is easy to stay away from, it's really my imagination that I'm struggling with, P of the mind. Also I don't feeel like my libido has decreased nor do I have any real issues with erections.  Both have come and gone over the last few years but I always chalked it up to entering my forties.  My performance has waned, but again though I don't have the body of my 22 year old self anymore.  Interesting reading these journals, as maybe I'm not that deep into any physical issues, which is good but it is still a struggle nonetheless. Thanks for reading.
 

js2004

Active Member
Bedtime Thoughts - Day 23

Not interested in P. Have a really long drive tomorrow so feeling very bla right now. Long day a head. Not much else. Spent a crap ton of money on junk shopping and kept my eyes to myself. Other than that, really not much else.  Thanks for reading.
 
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