Rediscovering reasons to live

[vigilantwarrior]

Day 1

I have been here once before, and there's no more time I can waste or postpone on this. I am stuck in a vicious cycle, one that I think even those who are prone to say "anything goes" might say "you need some help". I'm scary-addicted to porn. Within a weekend it wouldn't be surprising for me to spend 15 hours taking it in. I do it for a reason, obviously, or else this cycle wouldn't be happening. It half-fills a need, or gives me an escape. But in the meantime I feel my soul dying. I let addiction ruin plans, ruin my self-confidence, ruin any hopeful or purposeful light inside of me, etc.

It all sounds pretty dramatic, but, honestly, you can tell when a destructive habit is killing you. I know many people in this forum are rebooting to use their sexuality in a more real way, with real people, and in a way I can connect to that in the sense that it would be nice to have that kind of energy and confidence that I could use to meet girls and maybe find someone meaningful and get rid of the loneliness that i subject myself to on a weekly basis.

I plan to post here every day about how I'm feeling, if I'm dealing with urges, and what I'm doing to stay healthy. I haven't done this in far too long and I need it badly. I don't expect it necessarily but I appreciate any support. Fundamental loneliness is one factor that draws me back to porn, so I dig this forum as a small step to break away from that. I can have no P and no subsets of P. I am not against MO but I do not intend to do that very regularly.

As Tony Litster says, when we get excited to make a major change, all hell breaks loose, emotions, doubts show up and we don't keep it together. We need better tools of coping with life, stresses, and temptations, because life's not going away. I know this is going to be very difficult and very painful, but I've been sitting on this and wasting away too long. If there are any suggestions on how to handle cravings, emotional crashes, dark thoughts and such, please feel free to share. I'll need anything I can get.

So the journey begins.

 

[vigilantwarrior]

Day 2

I'm doing quite alright today. Yesterday I tried to move some of my stuff out of storage into my new place and apparently my storage unit closes at 5 on weekends and 6 on weekdays now, which is ridiculous. Still, it wasn't horrible, just an annoyance.

Work is my safe haven during the week that gives me purpose, but when it gets chaotic and/or unproductive it can wear on me, which is important to keep in mind. Today it was a little helter skelter but not insanely busy so it was good overall. I will try to stay mindful of my feelings. 0 urges so far.

~siphus

 

[vigilantwarrior]

Day 3

I had another weird day at work where my backup project manager just confused himself and us trying to give direction. I feel bad because working with him is not easy and may not ever be, but I remember being in that position at my last job of being over my head and stressed and concerned with my quality of work and my future.

I'm grateful now for where I am secularly. I'll be seeing a good friend tonight and we'll be doing some spiritual study; maybe it'll be a booster. I feel fine so far but Friday/Saturday is always dangerous for me, so I'm keeping close track to my mood and feelings during this week.

"You gotta constantly purify yourself, living in the city, around human beings. There might be people close to you who affect you inside yourself in such a corrupt way that it screws with your ability to do what you do. But if you make sure that the people who are close you are good people who are there for you and love you, you can create your temple everywhere you go." -John Frusciante

~siphus

 

[Spiritseeker]

Hello, siphus.

Dealing with people can be a big trouble sometimes. I try being sincere and kind towards them in order to get shit solved. Even if some of them don't even care, I can sleep conscious I tried to do the best I could. Regarding Friday/Saturday potential problems, I would try to schedule some activity with my friends. Go out. Considering my experience, nothing better to kill fantasies and urges than a good time out with dear ones. Anyway, congratulations for your progress so far. Keep going, mate.

 

[vigilantwarrior]

I like that, SS. Kindness and sincerity are always important and I want to keep the kindness part in fact as work frustrations easily knock that out.
Going out is important. Unfortunately on the weekends I've felt like I've hit depressive lows where I've even cancelled on plans, which is unlike me. I'm hoping that with this journal I can keep everything updated and avoid sinking that low.
Thanks so much for your feedback! Glad to be progressing alongside ya

 

[vigilantwarrior]

Day 4

Okay, so work was again a drag but not stressful. However, tonight is my first semi-free evening this week so before I left work my urges did flare up. I have plans -- a couple chores and watching a movie (Logan) with a white Russian haha (a tradition of sorts), and it's really nice to have an outlet on this journal because if I did act out, I'd probably stay up til midnight or later and be even more ridiculously dead than I was the rest of the week. I need my sleep. Why would I do this to myself?

This may be random but I'm a huge film fan. There are lots I haven't got to but it's one of my favorite pastimes. I don't know why I trade it for porn so often on weekends or so. I can't imagine how much time I could spend on my other recreation if I got rid of this habit. Maybe the bigger problem is that recreation and distractions don't fill my soul. The only thing I've found that way is connecting with friends. Beyond that, I tend to lack purpose.

While I'm sure more of those feelings will come up in the next week or so, right now I'm coasting. Good for the night

~siphus

 

[IAddict]

hye siphus, today i accomplished day 4 as well. What helps me not think of bad thoughts or anything is making sure i am busy each night and even being in public helps too. For me the chaser effect is going to start hitting hard and it started to grow a little today as well but that is great if you haven't felt any urges at all so far. I believe you said your best streak was 10 days for a long time in a whiile now right? well I just say goodluck m8 and wish all the best, it will get harder before it gets easier just letting you know so youll be ready for it. Anyways, work is also a big help for me as it is to you, hopefully you stay busy at work m8. Best of luck!

 

[Grandson_of_Thatcher]

Hello Siphus,

Great work, especially seeing where you came from!

Why would I do this to myself?

Well, if you didn't exactly hit the right string there! As long as you keep asking youself that, you know porn has no meaning. When I ask that and reflect on porn, it disgusts me.
How was your spiritual session yesterday?
By the way, amazing tradition, those habits are pure value.

All the strength for you this weekend, keep asking yoursel that question,
Grandson_of_Thatcher

 

[vigilantwarrior]

Iaddict thanks for the encouragement and for someone to walk alongside at about the same place. Definitely keeping busy and not idle is important, that I'll keep trying to do.

Grandson, way to focus on a significant line there... it's a paradox that I still can't answer but it helps to remember that it has no value in the end. The spiritual session was good! Not great. I don't feel connected with spirituality lately but every little bit helps, especially with friends

 

[vigilantwarrior]

Day 5

Urges come up from time to time in the day. I'm very grateful to have a rare week without deadlines at work, because my mind doesn't go there quite as much without the pressure. In fact, thankfully, maybe the sun is helping in my area but I haven't thought of dying or sunk into serious depression this week. Maybe you guys all rejuvenated me? either way I am grateful for it, however long it lasts.

Yesterday I had a brief malfunction of sorts. My parents are hosting an exchange student who has to report on "Of Mice and Men", basically a depressing book on the nature of man and situations in life. My Dad asked me if I could sum it up and I explained it in the nihilist terms that I've become so comfortable with this year. I think it shocked our exchange student, lol. Following this embrace with hopelessness, I felt a sense of existential dread, but I went to bed, went back to work, and normalized.

BUT.... it's little things like that (however silly) that I need to keep close attention to. I let enough of those build up over a few days and then I've lost it. That's how it works. So I'm getting it out here, and letting it go.

Thanks y'all

~siphus

 

[vigilantwarrior]

Day 6
Doing alright. Long day at my start of an early 3 day weekend. No urges really at all, just didn't want to forget a post!

 

[vigilantwarrior]

Day 7

I actually fought through some major urges today. I didn't feel like making it through successfully but I did and now I have an enjoyable night with old college friends so I will be good. But at this point I'm getting close to having my first successful weekend in months..

~siphus

 

[Spiritseeker]

Congratulations for your streak, siphus. I'll soon be hitting 14 days and I'm feeling next week is gonna be tough. My plan at the moment is keeping exercising and doubling my schedule so I can get very, very far from my room. What do you think of this?

 

[Grandson_of_Thatcher]

Well done Siphus! How does the streak feel?

 

[vigilantwarrior]

Spiritseeker, I love the idea; also just be regular about sharing what's going on. Being busy can be great but can sometimes pull you away from little beneficial things like this; like this weekend did for me lol. But I dig, let me know how it goes!
Grandson, it feels great.. I mean I finally feel successful and not like crap but... see below

Day 8
This is for yesterday. And I plan to get another one in today. I had a great time with friends over on an island this weekend. I felt alright, albeit slightly awkward and forcing some interaction, but on the way home I just felt uneasy, maybe because most of my relationships feel like half-relationships where they don't really honestly enjoy time with me, it's just something that they used to like when I was more fun, and they hold onto that.

I made great use of the rest my Sunday by starting on a long-overdue move to my apartment, and after that, just doing recreation and not pushing myself too much. I started a game -- Metroid Prime -- and watched a movie with my pop -- The Thing. I enjoyed them both. But it's definitely hitting me. The urges are subtle yet underneath my skin at any moment, just poking me and reminding me of what could be.

That 2nd or 3rd week -- does anyone have any huge tips on how to handle that? It's like a parasite in my skin. I know I can't miss posting on here since it lets me defuse a bit, but it's definitely not getting easier.

~siphus

 

[Grandson_of_Thatcher]

Really good to hear that from you, man!
Do keep in mind that those uncertainities are universal with friendships in the form of friend groups. I don't know your situation, but try looking how much you can relativate the feeling.
The urges are the real cancer, they can throw you so strangely out of balance. What keeps me standing, are two different things that are kind of in each other's extend:

• No rebooter said ever: 'wow that was totally worth it' ten minutes after a relapse. Whatever I feel, I know with certainity edging onto scientific, that a relapse does not satisfy. Really being able to trust in that point, helped me a lot.
• I try to live by the values my examples show me. Right now I'm typing it, I realise I need to do it more. I try to look at what I want to be and what I want to do, because if I want to be something but I do not do the things necessary to achieve me being that, I do not want to be that. I do not want to be a porn addict, I want to be wise, fit, healthy, happy, righteous and so much more. That means there is more than enough things to do and there should be way too little time for porn

I know these things can sound easy, sorry about that. I do not know your exact situation. I hope these things will help you!

I wish you more support than I could ever give to you,
Grandson_of_Thatcher

 

[IAddict]

Siphus,

Stay strong, we are on the same streak remember that buddy, today is day 11 for me and I don't plan on relapsing any time soon, try not to let relationships bring you down, I am the same way with my relationships because they feel like half relationships. Just stay strong and don't give yourself a reason to relapse, keep the streak going and I promise you, it will get easier after 2 weeks. Depression is a common thing from rebooting because your brain has low dopamine since it gets the majority of it's dopamine from pmo, delta fos b is the protein inside your brain that wants you to relapse to create more dopamine. Delta fos b levels lower around day 45 and dopamine starts getting increased from simple activities after two weeks. Those are the two big markers that make fighting this addiction easier. Stay strong and don't fall back into the relapsing spiral!

- IAddict

 

[vigilantwarrior]

I wish this was all as simple as it sounds. I haven't gone for more than a week or so for several months. Maybe for me to make it 9-10 days is an acceptable success, or maybe it's just a facade to hold on because in my soul I can never give up, and this will just be an endless cycle of hope and hopelessness.

Honestly.

But despite those questions, I'm back to day 1. I've seen some different ones on here have relapses and then just focus on making more progress and go even stronger, so that is my desire. I haven't gotten to 14 days in a long day, so that's my initial goal so perhaps I can reach something achievable.

I don't really have any brilliant ideas, but just with posting here and the encouragement of other excellent supporters here and planning my days differently I had a successful weekend and I felt really good about it. It was awesome. So that's what I plan for as well.

Sorry I just don't make sense sometimes.

~siphus

 

[Grandson_of_Thatcher]

Not making sense is part of our human nature, luckily and sadly. It can give so much happiness, but also so much sadness. I hope you learned something from this streak you had and that you keep posting.
Don't stop because you have relapsed, even tough it all can feel meaningless,
Please.

Fortes Fortuna iuvat,
Grandson_of_Thatcher

 

[vigilantwarrior]

I appreciate the paradoxical validation, Grandson. And the realistic encouragement. I also hope the same thing.

Day 2
I've had occasional feelings of legitimate contentment during the past couple days. We're having more sun where I live so maybe I've just been missing the Vitamin D. Next week is going to be crazy busy at work, so maybe I can make good use of this weekend to lessen the chaos.

I will have certain temptation this weekend but i can make it. Between my next post and today, I plan to workout tonight, play some games, then watch The Godfather then tomorrow, do some quick volunteering, then attend a going-away event, then arrange my new place for a couple hours, then a concert with some friends.

I plan to remain enriched for the next 24 hours, and I believe in all of you as well. May peace prevail.

~siphus