My future is awesome!

[TakeActionNow]

A personal list of all the factors relating to how i see PMO.
Any additional opinion/points are greatly appreciated !


WHY I PMO / TRIGGERS
Emotional
anxiety management. need to feel safe and loved  -> need to deal w root
depression. need to feel good about myself -> need to deal w root
coping. need distraction or numbing -> deal with the issue !
needing to feel accomplished. -> set a goal and do something !
low confidence/esteem. need to feel good about myself -> set a goal and do something !

Social
man needs. need female interaction -> go socialize
alone/lonely. need to feel loved -> go socialize

Mental
boredom. something to do -> learn/read/do something new
mind empty. wondering to old thoughts -> learn/read/do something new
habit. old practices -> learn/read/do something new


ALTERNATIVES (Actions)

go do the opposites immediately
get out of the house
talk to people
go to the forum and contribute
practice a hobby/new interest
go read a book/write a blog/article/do a podcast/film a video etc
do something you can be proud of/ feel accomplished
smile, laugh, be empathetic and forgiving and loving to yourself

DETERRENTS (Mental)

Read your VISION statement
What you want FOR THE REST OF YOUR LIFE
Look at your clean days NUMBER
Remember the PRICE
Get out of the PMO environment
accountability , role model and honesty to my community
VISUALIZE the CLEAN SUCCESSFUL HONEST YOU !

REAL PRICE OF PMO

no life motivation and focus
mind fog, uncertainty
unhappy / depression / desensitized / dissatisfied / uninterested in life / negative / fault finding / blaming / irresponsible
escaping/avoiding/denying attitude
odd unrealistic world view, poor judgement, indecisive
ungrounded. always seeking,
no self confidence/esteem. always self critical and seeking external endorsement
no social attraction / loneliness
no idea of real passion and interests

BENEFITS OF BEING CLEAN

people attraction
stable mentality. Grounded. Realistic. Balanced
happiness.
confidence.
clarity. certainty
motivated. focused. decisive. driven 
Goal oriented. accomplished.

HOW TO STAY CLEAN

community accountability. Be a role model
keeping busy
personal branding
make the choice to manage the emotions , ego and inner voice

Special thoughts

love, respect and interest in myself. have empathy for all

remember the 4 neurotransmitters
Dopamine - Focus and motivation. Goals/new/risk/accomplishment
Endorphin - Tolerance and anti anxiety. Exercise
Serotonin - Confidence and self esteem. Chocolate/Sun/happy time
Oxytocin - Social connection. Touch/gifts

do the opposites to the negative symptoms  !!!

 

[TakeActionNow]

My energy is waning.
it started on friday night
and peaked on sat evening
Perhaps its the trail run this morning.
The run wasnt comfortable, and i can already feel some drive leaving me.

When out goes energy, in comes darkness.
in darkness there will be cravings.

Tomorrow is monday.
It will be mind over matter.
I must stay focused and engaged.
I must get that fire burning bright again

 

[Coffeenut]

Hi, read the top of the post and you match me almost perfectly. My journey started today.

 

[TakeActionNow]

It was dark last night
I felt weak
I felt I needed the comfort and refuge of my "old coping ways"
I wanted badly to cum to the image of the girl I still love very much but lost, or the cam girl i adored.

The camgirl was on.
I took a few quick peeks and turned it off.
This cycle went on a few times.
Though I did not reach for myself.

And then some happened.
I got angry
very angry
Energy is arising !!!

And suddenly i realized what I've been doing wrong all these years.

When I am down and PMO, I rob myself of the opportunity to do whats right.
If I bloody want a girl, i should go out and win one.
Not wallow in my stupid self pity and wank like a loser in a dingy small dark room
WTF !

Wake up !
Take my energy and action and do whats right !!!!

 

[js2004]

Awesome TAN, you pulled yourself from the brink. Stop wowing in your own shit and find a good women if that is what you truely want. I can assure you you won't find one on a cam site. Get into a bar or a dating site and have some fun. Stay out of the dark place and get into the light so to speak. You can do this just keep your mind focused on what's important.

 

[TakeActionNow]

Went road running this morning.
didnt feel like running it at all
took an hour to get out of bed. did some chores and left at 8
i ran because i need to train for my half mara

didnt feel good at all during the first 5k
at the 4k mark i discovered i needed to change my attitude.
i started chanting in my mind "i love running, i love running".....

Choice
Pillar & Strength
Journey & Goals
Love
No Shortcuts

Choice.
When difficulty arise, we must always remember we a have a choice:
Chose to give in to emotions or
Chose to stay focused on our goals and keep on striving

Pillar & Strength
When we are weak, where do we look for our pillar of support ?
PMO ? <-  What kind of support is that ???

Our loved ones, God, Our friends, Love and respect for ourselves...
These are the true pillars of support we need.
These will help build our strength and determination to do and overcome more.
Be very very clear what gives and builds our inner strength to keep on striving

Journey & Goals
We must not look at every moment as discrete and separate.
Life is a continuous journey, what we do at this moment has effect on the next.
Set little goals along the way and celebrate its completion, because it means we are ready for the next challenge. Have fun and learn more about ourselves along the way
So smile, enjoy and learn from this journey and keep on striving

Love
We must always, without hesitation, work hard and pursue our love, likes and interests.
If that is a woman, go forth with courage and conviction
If that is a career, go forth with courage and conviction
If that is a hobby, go forth with courage and conviction
Because we will all come out stronger, more confidence and self assured.


No Shortcuts
There are no shortcuts in life
Anything gained too quickly has little or no long term value
Take the time and effort and enjoy learning the process to improve

 

[js2004]

Good insight.  Hope all is still going well.  PM me and we can chat off the board if you want.

 

[TakeActionNow]

Everybody has issues, its how we manage them that differentiates

Apply the 5 whys to get to the root of the matter, followed by "so how" to take action
address the problem, not the symptoms

I want to PMO
why? i want to feel good (i'm not feeling good now)
why? i want the company of a beautiful woman
why? i feel lonely (i am lonely)
why? my life is empty/dull
why? I'm reclusive

So how?
Go out and meet more people
do new things/ take the challenge
be passionate
do things that interesting me


I am a failure/Not good enough
why? i have no good track record of success
why? i give up too easily
why? i cant see myself succeeding
why? the targets are too high (i'm a perfectionist)
why? i've sabotaged my own chance of success (i've thought myself out of succes)

so how?
forget perfectionism
visualize success
put in the effort
set small goals, acknowledge my achievements, regardless of outcome

stop being so negative. surely i have some milestones? I give myself too little credit. I've ignored my achievements. I'm only human. people do like me. i've set my standards too high. Stop being such a stupid perfectionist. Life is short. remember the good times! I'm good and i deserve to acknowledge that !


I hate/dislike more than i love
why? i want conformity
why? i dislike difference
why? it has to fit my expectations/way/standard
why? i'm a pampered/entitled little brat
why? i dislike myself

so how?
stop being self centered
love and forgive myself (let my self love shine in and radiate outwards)
love and respect others
learn to embrace the beauty of difference
stop comparing with others
learn to share and embrace company/attention


"All our answers are within our spoken words and desires. Just reflect and do the opposite."

There is no time to be wasted on shame. All my time must be spent on positive practice and change.

 

[js2004]

TAN I think you are doing great, but have you done anything positive today/yesterday. Try to make it a point to leave the house and do something with other people.  You have some great insight into your feelings and can certainly recognize what you need to do to be successful.  My point though is go and do it, whatever "it" is and tell us about it.  Socrates said "the unexamined life isn't worth living" but if all we do is pick ourselves apart we aren't really living either.  Self examination is great to a certain point, but at some point during the examination we need to act and not reflect anymore.

 

[TakeActionNow]

thank you JS, I'm glad and grateful for your concern, and I would like to share:

this daily gratitude thing is something i've been working on
i have an android app to list it down. but the novelty does wear thin after a while.

yes there were some highlights today:
1. went to a job fair and completed my little goal: issue out 5 resumes. yeah!
2. found the one friend i wanted to talk with from an earlier career class and learn from her. We talked for 5 hours ! We both feel that its so hard to find people our age who has drive and a bright outlook in life. Most have mellowed and its not easy to build a community of like minded and ambitious people (we're both looking for permanent jobs). I've learnt a lot from her on positivity, energy and internalizing what we've learnt. yeah !
3. spent time talking with an ex-client on life. good to have nice friends. yeah!

However,
for me its not easy to see these as highlights as i've dulled myself down over the years and only see them as just a part of daily life and nothing to shout out about.
Damn the years of dopamine drain by PMO !!!

This old outlook, obviously, is not helping me.

I'll say my mood now is 55%, a little good but not fantastic.
I still have some ways to go to feel more about this world.
My friend said something wonderful today: "we need to see the world with the eyes of a 5 yr old."

What makes me really happy however is sharing my findings here on RebootNation.
Maybe i am happy helping another. Or its just knowing that a post has been completed. A clear sign of "accomplishment". Or maybe i'm attention seeking. I dont know how to weigh or judge a lot of things.

but yes.
Goals and acknowledgement is what I'm trying very hard to apply at every moment of my life now, and drill in that achievement to get a little dopamine hit.
Its ironic because i can feel happier running 3k with goal setting than 10k without.
perhaps that's why most of my life i dont quite know how to acknowledge my own achievements, and thus see myself as having not much.


OR

In the words of the girl i love a lot but lost...
"My day is GREAT !"

She's one tough cookie

 

[TakeActionNow]

Add on the why PMO is BAD

It may be me or it may be PMO:

PMO may have made me a negative person
why? I can get PMO whenever i want
why? its online, its free, its immediate
why negative? because i get upset when i can't get the things i want when i want it in normal life
why is this bad? because this response happens to every scenario. it distorts my reality on what is reasonable and what other outlooks i can have

So how?
i have to train myself to identify every little good, no matter how small, and
not dwell on what i dont have (which is infinite) but
focus on what i do have (which is precious, few and rare) and
keep bringing out the best in me and others.

There are so many good things happening around me, yet I keep choosing to focus on the bad.
I dont know why i keep punishing myself.
I need to keep up my journal of gratitude.
I need to keep focusing on doing good for others.

 

[Coffeenut]

One of the best things I have read is to love yourself. I never understood that before going on these forums. Pom involves self loathing, giving it up was wrapped up in negativity. It absolutely is not, the fact we are on this forum doing this means we are good people wanting change.
You are absolutely right about instant gratification, why should we get that all the time?

 

[js2004]

See below quote.

2. found the one friend i wanted to talk with from an earlier career class and learn from her. We talked for 5 hours ! We both feel that its so hard to find people our age who has drive and a bright outlook in life. Most have mellowed and its not easy to build a community of like minded and ambitious people (we're both looking for permanent jobs). I've learnt a lot from her on positivity, energy and internalizing what we've learnt. yeah !

This girl clearly had a positive impact on you. While I am not suggesting anything like dating or sexual, clearly she is someone you could use as a positive influence in your life, a ray of sunshine so to speak. Again, nothing sexual, rather platonic, as a means to open up more. Perhaps a deep friendship with someone of the opposite sex is really what you need right now.  Just my observation.

 

[TakeActionNow]

thanks CN and JS

1. please read this article:
https://medium.com/personal-growth/marcus-aurelius-how-to-think-clearly-c7f76026fb6
my journaling has helped me identify and understand myself and my actions better.
I encourage you to do more of the same too!

2. Our words hold all the answers. We just have to listen !
All my ranting on me being negative has highlighted to me that all i need to do now is to do the opposite, make the effort, focus and determination and be positive more !
I am now even more driven to be more positive in daily life. Screw my negativity !!

3. Thank you JS for highlight that post I made.
Looking back i do feel very fortunate.
If you have not yet read the book, "The Secret", please get a copy immediately.
People who shine brightly and give me positive influence in my life, such as you two, JS & CN, are starting to appear more in my life.
When we actively seek those who can help us, the universe will respond.
Those who want to help themselves and others will receive help in return !

BTW she is married, so I will absolutely not pursue further, but though her I now understand what characteristics and personality I would identify as attractive.
I agree having a female companion is important to me.
The girl i love but lost was the one who set my wheel in motion in May for self discovery and realization. I lost her because i was self centered and not ready for relationships. I am preparing myself now to be the opposite and ready for the next one who comes along.

I enclose here my reply in thanks to my friend. I hope it may give readers some positive ideas.

"just want to say thank you again for your time yesterday.
I want highlight the learnings I have drawn from you:
1. Do not reinvent the wheel. Take the learning as it is, reapply immediately across all parts of daily life in order to internalize and make it part of our unique identity
2. Don?t do different things. Do things differently
3. Have the curiosity of a 5 year old
4. Have a positive outlook in life. Energize and shine and become attractive to others
5. Have a passion and a vision to achieve in the future. Focus on goals and accomplishments
6. Know what I need now and act on it immediately
7. Spend every available moment improving oneself. Skills, Effort and Application translate to Confidence, Positivity, Ability and Connection
8. Keep looking out and build community of like minded, driven, positive and self improving personalities
9. Keep teaching and sharing with others and grow together
"

Thank you my friends for walking with me on my journey of self rediscovery.

 

[TakeActionNow]

To keep me on track, I use several apps to help me.

Workflowy
https://play.google.com/store/apps/details?id=com.workflowy.android&hl=en
This is a great collapsable listing app that helps me quickly list and review my visions, goals and notes, and keep me focused and on track

Loop
https://play.google.com/store/apps/details?id=org.isoron.uhabits&hl=en
This is my go to app for tracking daily activities done, such as Clean days, running, meditation etc.
It has reminders so I'd remember to click.
Wonderful especially seeing the streak building up

Simple Gratitude Journal
https://play.google.com/store/apps/details?id=com.moodtools.happy.gratitudejournal&hl=en
I use this to log in my daily things to be grateful for.
To be more effective, i need to think deeply about the act when writing

Thing Counter
https://play.google.com/store/apps/details?id=de.sleak.thingcounter&hl=en
If you wanna know how often across a day you think or do something, this widget helps to keep track.
There is marked improvement of frequency if you know how often you are unconsciously doing something.

Additionally I would blog my days and try to review them to see my progress and memorize my achievements.

Hope this helps !

 

[js2004]

Nice list. Staying positive and focused is a big part of this.  For me just visualizing being P&M free is a big part of making it through the day. I kept telling myself all week that I needed to visualize waking up this morning and being free of the guilt and shame. Exactly what I did this morning.

 

[TakeActionNow]

Thanks JS.
Its nice to know you're always a few steps ahead of me.
I'm 20 days now.
It took this long for me to get to start on the positivity aspect that i so admire in you
I haven't started on daily visualizing yet.
I'm really rediscovering myself over these 3months
Our efforts and determination to see this through is developing focus and clarity in our lives like never before. It is proof that staying clean from PMO is the right thing to do.
The rewards far far outweigh the false relationship we've had w ourselves because of our old habits.
This is the better life worth living.

 

[Jimbodel]

I am impressed by your deep thought into your problem and your ability to list and focus on it. If you continue as such, and continue to stay healthy (I am a health nut) than I think you will succeed no problem.  I am pretty new here but am on here each day, so I am just a post away.

 

[TakeActionNow]

I want to talk abit about relationship and positivity

The girl i loved but lost called me yesterday
I am happy and we chat for half an hour.
but i kinda sense she's not quite there, she wasnt laughing much

today when i woke i wasnt happy about her nonchalant mood
this is really stupid and retarded because instead of looking at what i have ( she called ! ) i was focusing on what i dont have ( she didnt laugh)
what is wrong with me ?
I know she has a difficult life in a foreign developing country leading a business and living alone
I know she numbs her pain and loneliness with so much sports and self developing activities
I know she must be so tired and unhappy to pick up her phone to reach out and call a guy she has been gradually distancing.

All i care is how i feel. where is my empathy?
I am so ashamed.
I must remember that even if we are not to have any firm relations, I owe her the decency of kindness and compassion i should have for all human beings, and for all the help and time she has given me earlier.

Which brings me to my question on relationship.
People, myself included, would be foolish to marry on the premise of love alone.
love is attraction that brings people together, but it is effort that keeps them together.
and herein lies the crux i think that makes relationships work and passion alive:
it is not how much they make the effort to remain positive and attractive towards us
but is it how much I make the effort to remain positive and attractive towards to them

I can't make her love me, but i think i can make myself attractive to her
and when i make positive and attractive efforts towards her, i intrinsically develop attraction and affection towards her.
I am not denying the challenges of relationship.
I am just stating that effort and responsibility to make a relationship work begins with me making things better and easier for her.
To do that I must always learn to look at the better and brighter side of things and her.
I think this will be more beneficial for me too.

 

[Jimbodel]

No, you can't make her love you; and hoping that maybe if you get married things will turn around and become great is a setup for failure IMO.  When I met my wife I was terrified of girls (I was in my early 20s) as I thought no one would want anything to do with me anyway.  But I looked at her and something clicked and I just walked up and started talking to her; 11 weeks later we were married and that was 30 years ago, and I love her more now than I did then.

It is great that your ex called you, but from what you wrote it doesn't sound like she was fully in.  I don't think you should keep blaming yourself for the way it ended before, or the way the phone call went, and it sounds like you are.  You should be happy, you put every effort in to make her feel warm and welcome, and needed.  If you give of yourself in an honest fashion, and it isn't enough, then the blame is not on you but on the other.