My Turn to Start 10 July 2017


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Part of the rehab for hoarding is to go though motion to assess if our long held beliefs are valid
hoarders were made to challenge their impulse by exposing to opportunity without action
they needed to experience that their emotional charges and faced with their consequence

The same can be applied with PMO
IF you can endure, this is a very strong treatment
1. consequences.
as it is a private act, we are mostly not accountiable to anyone but ourselves.
however we have shown to be either poor overseers, or that we already have legacy issues that prevent us from seeing clearly.
proper conseqneces is full consequences
just as it is not enough to return shop lifted items back to the store stealthly and unseen, to break the habit, one must give the item back openly and be subject to police investigation. Only then will the full consequence of shoplitting hit the person.

similarily, we need to report our PMO behaviour to our loved ones in order to open this dark secret and recognize the full cost and consequences of our practices

2. Stimulus desensitization
we need to expose over and over again our material WITHOUT RELEASE. This will help us realize that
a. we need not give in to all our impulses
b. the material in fact DOES NOT solve our problems
over time, we will come to realize that this "solution" we believed and practiced is in fact NOT A SOLUTION
and this will help us move away and correct misconceptions

3. restore balance
without distraction now, a few new benefits appear
we have better focus to what matters to us
we have more patience to seek or develope what we need
we can turn inward to rely on ourselves to guide and reward ourselves.


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Small incremental change from a flawed perspective may not be good enough.
Sometimes a completely different perspective may be necessary


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P perpetuated fallacies

You are not the person all naked people are attracted to
You are not the person they are opening up their bodies to
You do not have all that money to do so
Doing so screws up your sense of reality


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Some thoughts since last relapse
@ week 1 or week 2.
strong urges
@ week 3 or week 4

both strong urges and no interest will pose problems if casually surfing and fondling
during stong urges the body is cycling and adrenline high. intent is strong so lapse possibility is also high
during disinterest, the danger is with careless actions. even though interest is low, the body will still respond to stimulus.
so do not be misguided by the mind saying nothing major will happen. it is when the mind is weak or not alert that mistakes often happen.

recovery requires perpetual vigilence.
Remember my goals


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the mind is devious and deceptive
it creates stories of scarcity and insufficiency
but a delete of any "precious" hoard will leave one not feeling any sense of loss
whatever attachments we have we will find it false in every real sense.
in fact, there is a great sense of gain and accomplishment with any discard of unhelpful material.

do not believe the mind
believe in the pricinples.
i will get to where i want to go as long as i stay true to my principles.


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@Phineas 808 @TheFuture1
Thank you for your support and sharing.
I've moved my study forward from hoarding to ADHD.
While the hoarding study was for my friend while the ADHD study was for her son, things are getting more interesting now.

I do believe I too have ADHD.

These are clinical observations, not simply "I can't focus" claims.
It also covers emotional, memory and time blindness issues. It even includes the reasons for impulsivity, instant gratification over delayed gratification, and difficulty following complex structure. Lump that with bad societal experiences growing up in a structured and unforgiving NT world and this is the mess I've become.

I was upset when most of the characteristics of ADHD ring true for me. But now that I'm kinda confident this is my condition, I can take the fateful next step of using medical knowledge to help myself in areas I am weak or blind in.

It's been 5 long years since I've started this reboot. It's been on and off successful, but most importantly for me is that it's not about ED (which brought most of us here) but the roots and reasons for our behavior.

Why are we having a hard time in life?
Why are we constantly seeking comfort in this area?
Why and how are we constantly deluding ourselves?

I am hopeful that with better understanding of ADHD, I may
1. Have better understanding and regulation of my behavior
2. Have better understanding and regulation of my emotions
3. Be better at working towards longer term goals
4. Be less impulsive

I feel like for the last 5 years I've been stumbling in a large enclosed forest, finding little morsels of information about my condition. Now there is an opening in the mountains surrounding this forest that hopefully can lead me out.

This is exciting.
I am optimistic.
Let's dive in into clinical studies.
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There are a few key topics on ADHD that I will list down in the coming days.
1. Impulsivity and mental strategies
2. Improving Working Memory (goal management)
3. Excessive emotional response
(Overly optimistic or critical)
4. Stimulant seeking (boredom, frustrations and resentment)

In many ways these relate to our difficulties in
1. Controlling impulses
2. Keeping to our intentions
3. Emotional management
That only lead to poorer decisions, continued addictions and perpetuated vicious cycles.

I shouldn't have to resort to PMO to feel good. But I haven't been practicing good self recognition techniques to help myself:
1. Daily journals and periodic recognition of gratitude and achievements
2. Using CBT to improve my mental language
3. Keeping busy and a list of backup interests
4. Having a tight schedule I must honor to keep to


Respected Member

ADHD has excessive emotions.

P artists are strangers, yet we can generate stronger and closer emotions with them than our existing loved ones.

Small setbacks are also viewed more excessively negative, promoting us to seek dramatic recourse earlier and with greater urgency.

Yet, our hard fought successes are often ignored and made irrelevant.

Finally, novelty and stimulus makes us poorer at balancing long term relationships over newly formed ones.

We subject ourselves to great risk of self damage than others, ironically through these risky and irrational behaviors.

Taming out of control emotions, especially if we are blind and not aware of them, is difficult to say the least.

We require
1. constant CBT to question and rationalize our decisions,
2. active memory recall of the merits and duration of our existing real relationships
3. Strong will to overcome emotional urges
4. Strong recognition and recollection of successes.

It's not easy. Especially when so much are just feelings which we are in the first case, weak at recognizing.


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There are 4 main components of exchange in every relationship
Recognizing which components and to what degree each component is exchanged helps us better understand the dynamics of each relationship.

Additionally, which components we crave the most for also shows us which we are most deficient in self care.
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ADHD ON state
Emotions On and Energized
Cognitive On and Hyperfocused
Impulsivity and risky behaviors kick in
Goals immediate and short term
Duration provided limitless

ADHD OFF state
Emotions Off and disinterested /depressed
Cognitive Off and distracted /dreaming /wondering /seeking
Long term goals forgotten
Duration infinite until next event

So it's easy to see why PMO and its high stimulus is so enticing leading to:
ADHD On state
Strong emotional urges and attachment
Immediacy and impulsivity
Lack of time control
Lack of consideration for past reflections and goals


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As I discover more clinical association between ADHD and hypersexuality, I am also beginning to see the mental and emotional reasonings behind sexual dependency.

Turning to PMO is an OUTCOME.
PMO presents reliable, comforting, destressing, "safe", interesting experience.

Why seek PMO?
Real life has been stressful, unsafe, damaging, unrewarding, uncomfortable etc.

Why is real life more stressful for people with ADHD?
Clinical symptoms like impulsivity, time blindness, impaired cognitive development, dreamy imaginations, dopamine dysregulation, difficulty to plan and follow through complex tasks, unable to see achievements and results, magnifying negative experiences.

How does these ADHD clinical symptoms impact the person?
Poor emotion regulation
Poor memory
Poor executive functions
Poor planning

What is the final outcome?
Poor life experiences
Poor outcomes

Thus it is these poor life experiences that motivate sufferers to PMO dependency.

To overcome PMO is to first address root causes.

For ADHD sufferers,
Structurize life
Time management
Goal observation
Recognizing achievements

Are all important activities that reduce a negative outlook and thus PMO dependency for relief and recovery.
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Respected Member
Do not give ourselves away too easily to others.

Not only is it very hard to collect and gather ourselves, but whenever we do give away, along with it we also give power and control of ourselves to others.

Money is cheap.
But our time, mind and body are not. Unlike money, they are either irreplaceable or at a perpetual state of decline.

He who seeks to be as far away from himself is but a fool, for that day will surely come. Until that day, it is much better to treasure that which is most precious and will not last: Ourselves.
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Do not be the fool who values the virtual over the real.
We do not own that which we do not have.

It is what we do have in reality that matters.
Our selves
Our loved ones
Our people
Our personal belongings
These make us rich in life.

Remember to do our gratitude journal every night, and realize that we are already rich beyond anything the virtual can ever deliver.


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Caring for someone who doesn't care about us is bad

Hurting ourselves over someone who doesn't care about us is worse

Causing pain and suffering to those who love us because we hurt ourselves over someone who doesn't care about ourselves is the worst.

Turn this around please.
In times of lost, love and care for ourselves more and give love to those who truly love us too.

Stop our wayword imaginations and fantasies.
Learn to treasure what we do have more.


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He who has plenty is very careful with his gifts. He has plenty because he takes good care of himself.

He who has nothing often gives freely, and thus remains empty.

Are you guarded or giving too freely?


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The engagement with PMO requires one to be alone in a room for an extended amount of time.

Time spent alone away from people invariably leads to loneliness.

But too often it is loneliness that lead us to pmo.

Thus PMO promotes loneliness that only leads to more loneliness.

PMO does not save.

Don't seek solace in PMO.
Don't seek pleasure
Don't lock myself alone in any rooms.

Embrace my difficulties
Embrace real people
That's true freedom and self love.


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My heart is like a giant cavern, hollow and empty after all these years.
In these years of running and avoiding, the only person I've been keeping away from was myself.

And so my heart has become a cavern, empty and unfilled. I thought PMO could help me, but it only left the cavern larger and emptier than before.

Then came my son.

He took up residence in one tiny corner, and filled it with his toys and laughter. He came asking for nothing, except my love and acceptance. And with that, I slowly came to understand, that to heal myself, was simply to love, accept and forgive myself.

No more demands
No more requirements

So I don't need outside attention any more. My healing wasn't from others to give. It was from myself.

And as I come to accept myself, 2 things begin to happen. First, my empty cavern of a heart slowly shrank. This was good, for a smaller hole was always easier to fill. Next, little by little, belongings that were important to me began to fill. Belongings like my son. For I now belong to him as he belongs to me.

These years of running away and avoiding ought to come to an end. How can I keep on avoiding myself when only I hold to key to my own happiness?

No more heavy metal voices of hurt.
Only love songs to heal my days.

Time to come home to myself.
Time to come home to me.
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If you accept that what we have is an addiction, then you'd agree that recovery is not simply about abstinence, because any addiction consumes a person in many ways beyond the addictive behaviour.

Recovery requires recuperating
The heart
The mind
The body
The spirit
Hopes and aspirations
All of which were left in limbo when the addiction took over.

They require healing, repair and rejuvenation.

Start with love, for it is warm and abundent like the sun. Learn to love the world, and it will love us back.


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Addiction is having too much love and interest in pleasure of the self.

Learn to have pleasure and interest in someone else and release the addiction to our selves.