My Turn to Start 10 July 2017


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Addiction is desire, hoping to have something that we don't currently have.

Addiction is founded on a lack, and perpetuates as long as that gap persists.

I do not want what I don't have.
I don't not want the need to seek recovery for missing what I do not own.
If what I don't have hurts me, I do not want it.

I want what I do have
I want to celebrate and enjoy everything I do have.

I have health
I have family
I have peace
These are worth far more than and drama addiction can ever provide me.

Reality is important.
A gratitude journal is most important.


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My life ought to be simple now, with only very few goals.
This does not make me poor.
In fact, with simplicity, it will make me richer, because I will have focus and depth.
This I have learnt from hoarding and ADHD studies.
At least I now know where to begin my healing.


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I must remember that whatever come of my life, I had a part in allowing it.
That includes my suffering.

How not to suffer?
I need instead to ask, how can I better enjoy this moment?

Don't find excuses to be alone
Don't find reasons to avoid
Find instead things to explore, to experience.


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I'm a long way from home.
And it will take some time getting back.

I feel like I'm a kite many miles from where I originate, now caught in thunder clouds and rain. But where I begin is safe and green. I need to slowly reel myself in. Back to where I begin.


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I've over compensated for whatever I am lacking. Just a little love from my son can wash away all desire I used to need for recovery in the past.
I have been unable to love myself for too long. It only takes a child a few moments to show me how.

Forgive myself. There is no need to be so hard on myself. Even if my parents knew or did no know how to love me, there is always a way. All it takes is acceptance.

All I wanted was for someone to accept me. I never knew that someone was always just me.


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Coming to terms that part of the reason I turn to vice as a means of relief was probably because I couldn't deal with, or address, certain things when I was younger, owing to the behavior of others.


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Part of the challenge is not knowing what to do.

PMO is like a huge loaf of Sweetbread.
Hungry? Sweet bread
bored? Sweet bread
Angry? Sweet bread
Happy? Sweet bread
Anything? Sweet bread

It has been all encompassing in my life.

So it's not simply about abstinence.
Its not even about replacement.

It must begin with understanding.
Not so much as to why PMO, but
what are the things PMO cover up
what matters to me
what are effective to me

Understanding who I am, what matters to me, what is effective for me, is more important.

Else I'll just be going round in circles.


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Yesterday i sat at a cafe and watched people go past
i envisioned what kind of life they have, and interestingly, if they are interested or having sex, based on thier outlook and presentation.
i recognize i am shallow about this and my criteria is simple:
people who have sex regularily should at least:
1. look good and be presentable
2. have an air of quiet self comfort and confidence.

Of course the young, trendy and energetic ones look sexually active

but i believe that :
1. older more haggard ones probably do not get any
2. not quite sharp guys who looked a bit edgy are probably horny and getting it from the paid version
3. a lot of portly or anorexic and poorly dressed ones probably are not getting much or any at all
4. moms and dads who looked worn or simple probably get some if their partners do, or not at all
5. anyone who doesnt dress too well or looked poor or sickly or with a hunched back ( ie not confident ) probably do not get much or any.

It got me to realize:
1. perhaps many people are actually NOT INTERESTED IN SEX
2. perhaps many guys get it in the paid version and not from interested partners ( their "sharp" looks are not female partners/interest adjusted)
3. why dress up if you dont care about what others think about you OR it doesnt make a difference

There is a belief that:
1. good looking and confident guys and gals get the majority of casual sex from each other (10%)
2. not too good looking or more quiet guys and gals get their sex from their regular partner (30%)
3. there is actually a large group of people who do not get any sex from anyone (60%)

why are looks important and adjusted ?
because people who interact frequently with the opposite sex will come to realise what matters to the other sex and adjust for it.
therefore looks that are not quite right probably indicate lack of adjustment, and hence a lack of engagement.


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So what does this study tell me about me / us with some sex addiction ?

1. addiction of any particular form is likely not widespread.
probably only 10% to 20% of the entire population has sex addiction
the rest are either getting a healthy (non excessive) dose, or are not interested at all

2. addiction of other forms likely exist for others
for example, i am not addicted to alcohol, gambling, drugs etc that are probably owning the lives of others

3. that my/our propensity for sex addiction probably lies in some reasoning.
I can only deduce my causes



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1. stress / responsibility avoident
2. social attention/ acceptance seeking
3. pleasure seeking
4. stimulant / immediacy seeking
5. more visually / physically engaged

There are some studies that indicate ADHD people are also more prone to sexual gratification

In my study of ADHD, of which many symptoms i possess, I come to learn of many techniques to help me manage.
To the 5 points above, here are some suggested management ways to overcome sexual addiction:

1. engage the stressors and find realistic ways to deal with them
2. learn to love and understand self more. Focus on self attention, not outward attention
3. learn better ways to recognize achievement (ADHD has deficit in this area)
4. learn better ways to regonize importance and priorities in life ( another ADHD deficit )
5. be more patient
6. perhaps something in our childhood created some predisposition : abuse / absent parent / poverty etc

perhaps only 10% of the entire population suffer from sex addiction
therefore it is unlikely our partners will understand why we do what we do
we/they simply seeking us to stop immediately is ineffective unless we understand the roots better
perhaps this series can help us understand ourselves better and find more effective means to address our addiction's root causes

Take care friends


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This study clearly shows poeple with ADHD have a higher propensity for internet porn abuse
Key to the concerns are :
1. Anxious attachment
2. avoiding emotional discomfort as a result of social failure due to ADHD
3. reward deficient syndrome
4. problems in intimacy leading to difficulty in forming secure attachment
So many of the items listed in point 4. Discussion of the report rings so true for me.

ADHD key symptoms
1. impusivity
2. hyperfocus and difficulty to snap out of hyper focus
3. inattentive to other aspects of life
4. reduce quality of social, acdemic and occupational functioning
5. difficulty maintaining organization / prioritization / mentally demanding tasks

It goes to show that people with ADHD face significant challenges to overcome sex addiction.
This is no excuse, for we must still try in order to improve our lives.
But more importantly, we need to address the roots : ADHD

ADHD is so complicated.
It begins with brain structure and functioning deficits
This leads to compensating behaviors such as stimulant seeking and impulsivities
More critically, it results in cognitive and emotional dysregulation because of the erronous ways we see and approach the world ( we read things too fast, have poor memory and are unable to adjust for long term planning)
the outcome is social, acedemic and occupational failures.
unsurprisingly we have so much relationship, esteem and anxiety issues.

At least we know where to start.
The rest is up to our effort and diligence.
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it is interesting where things take us.

Yesterday stablecoin Terra UST tanked massively that got me interested in reading up about historical market manipulations such as Soros, LTCM and Archegos. Somehow that research lead me to Berkshire and Mr Buffett's most recent annual report.

He spoke of 2 important stories:
1. of Mr Paul Andrews, CEO of TTI, who wanted to sell his company to a right party that would continue to protect his employees upon his departure
2. of Mr Buffett's advice that students "seek employment in (1) the field and (2) with the kind of people they would select, if they had no need for money"

Focus: To be with people you enjoy, and protect them always.

These 2 stories reminded me of one simple importance than makes a good life : never be selfish / self centered.

PMO is one of the most selfish and self centered generating activities possible.
It distance us from others, and teaches us only to benefit ourselves over others.
it is destructive in unimaginable ways.
and because of these selfish and self centered way, we will forever deny ourselves of joy with others.

The joy of being alive is to able to enjoy this life with others, be they human or animal or anything living.
I must learn to let go of the me and recognize and TAKE BETTER CARE of the REAL people i have chosen to be with.


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Perhaps others are not like we are, in so much need for pleasure, self attention, or avoidance.

Perhaps then it is good to take the focus away from ourselves, and turn towards improving the lives of those around us.


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Engaging in PMO
1. Disengages one from reality
2. Reinforces beliefs in fallicies
3. Reinforces antisocial behaviors
4. Reinforces focus on pleasure instead of effort
5. Makes us think that the real world is bad and irreconcilable
6. Makes us think that our real world wishes and desires are impossible to achieve
7. Makes us negative and give up trying even before we start

Over and over these wrong choices are repeated and reinforced. Until we are utterly miserable and depressed. Until we give up on ourselves.

But once we start taking hold of ourselves and detach from this altered fallacy, gradually, slowly but steadily, the cloud clears:
1. Things are not as bad as we believed.
2. There is always something positive to consider.
3. There are nice things everywhere we look
4. We can be happy with whatever we have.

No more comparisons
No more what ifs
No more I wish

What I have is the best :
1. My aging self, spouse and family
2. My less than ideal house, job and bank account
3. My deteriorating mind and body
4. My flawed and imperfect friends
These are mine and mine alone.
They are real and the best for me, not some fake internet digital make-believe.

I don't want any more diseased, self serving, self centered, remote virtual make believe people.
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Interesting where some knowledge comes from.

I was listening to a podcast about modern day stressful childhood due to internet and social media. Whereas back in our day ( those 40s and above) it was healthy social fun with BMX, ball games and 2 player Nintendo. We had a great childhood!

What is so bad about social media?
1. Comparisons and FOMO.
2. Always feeling never good enough cos someone else "got it better"

Social media creates impossible standards because it is basically impossible to compare or compete with EVERYONE.
Hence so many attention seeking and depressed kids today.

And then I realized that Porn was our "social media" disease!
We were "missing out" "great sex"!
Our real life sex was "never good enough"
Our partners were "never good enough"
Our lives were thus "never good enough"
We were thus "never good enough".

WTF ! I'm like a modern day 13 year old Instagram addict seeking likes, and forever unhappy with whatever amount I have.
No wonder I am so negative about everything.

Detox porn
Detox social media
Detox news
Detox internet
Detox YouTube

The only thing that's important are those we can physically touch around us.
Our selves
Our family
Our home and neighborhood
Our friends

Everything else really doesnt matter, and honestly won't ever matter to us.

Return to the ball and BMX days.
Return to those activities with people we can physically connect with and smile and laugh together.
To come and do things together.
Create, not complain.
Help, not seek help.
Find that community
Be part of a tribe.
Partake in joyful discovery or delivery of community and service.

That's true joy.
Not some addicted sensory pleasure alone behind closed doors
But true emotional pleasure
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Why did I lock myself up in a room and be alone all these years?
How can I forget that to be alone is to be lonely?
That loneliness is the number 1 cause for unhappiness and depression?

Watching pictures and videos and streams is neither engaging nor social.
It is a lonely activity no matter how stimulating or interesting it may be.
Turn the device off and I find myself staring at emptiness.
And emptiness is the lasting feeling no matter the content, duration or intensity.

Because we are living beings.
And living beings only know how to engage directly with other living beings.
Not electronic devices.

Stop fooling ourselves.


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PMO was probably a means to soothe hyper emotional sensitivity.

Hyper emotional sensitivity could stem from a few different reasons
1. authoritative parents whose stern behavior meant that our feelings were mostly covered up
2. Overly sensitive parents who overemphasized emotions
3. Lack of emotional understanding and management education
4. Mental disorder resulting in rejection sensitive dysphoria
5. Repeated PMO abuse that lead to further emotional dysregulation.
6. Poor rationalization of issue and taking on unnecessary blame

Ultimately our emotions are poorly addressed, covered up or need extra reassurance. This lead to ineffective compensating activities such as PMO.

To take better care of our emotions and not have to turn to PMO
1. Have better understanding of our emotions
2. Do not take on the burden of other people's emotional issues
(Other than compassion)
3. Use healthier emotional care methods such as socializing, rest and clean foods
4. Let go of past obstacles and have faith in ownself to do the right thing
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freedom for PMO is immensely more than just PMO itself

Liberation from
1. Cravings and feelings of inadequacy
2. Dependency on others to feel good about self
3. Time lost on this activity
4. Desire to have intimacy with anyone for self centered reasons

More importantly
1. Freedom from being overly interested in others
2. Freedom to pursue other forms of interest and personal development
3. Freedom from forever seeking pleasure
4. Focus on task at hand
5. Freedom from desires of avoidance and escape
6. Freedom from doubt and uncertainty
7. Having morep positive real world outcomes