JS,
its wonderful you can put it in 1 sentence what i need 1 page to describe
The road is long and we tend to forget, so I must journal on!
Life gets routine and mundane after a while, and its easy to get sucked into the present.
I too forget my goals.
Last week.
MON. Slipped
TUE. Slipped
WED. Cant remember most, but went for meetup. Great discussion though.
There was another who was depressed. She is still stuck. I must not be like her.
THURS. Massive depression. The world is black. Everything is black. This is the worst.
FRI. Thankfully this is a busy day. Gym in the morning. Good interview in morning. Good lunch at noon. Great class in afternoon. Observations at evening. made myself go for night meetup. It was a Great evening. Talked till late. New friends made.
The difference between Thurs and Fri is totally night and day
SAT. generally down and mundane day. dragged myself to my friend's bday party. cooked for them. ate cake and chatted. Cake was carbo loading haha. Left at 10 to sleep early for tomorrow's race.
SUN. Race day. Great Race, ran really well. Slept a lot. knees sore. Visited friend at hospital. Wonderful dinner with clients.
MON
she texted me.
I am happy and surprised.
many things to think about.
TUE
Roaming. Went to library to read. Wrote a cover letter in the afternoon. GoT at night. Upset with mom.
Discovery:
Mom and I are different polarities
She is the kind, warm, caring, worrying and protective type.
I was the outgoing competitive go for it type.
Yet I viewed her as hindrance to me because her values are counter to mine.
Instead of pushing me to try harder, her protective words always ring of holding back.
All my life I resist her. Today I still cannot accept her love.
I always felt inadequate and unable because of her over protectionism.
Perhaps that's why I am so confused today. I have become an uncertain and dependent person.
Of course I have to be 100% responsible for my own thoughts and action.
I know this:
1. I must be with someone similar to my own polarity to drive me forward
https://www.cnbc.com/2017/08/21/why-the-secret-to-your-success-is-who-you-marry.html
2. I must go forward with positivity and courage and take necessary risk
Yet, I don't know how to do the following:
1. How do I leave my aging mom who depends on me for her survival?
2. I dont want to grow old and alone because I took care of her, like my uncle for grandma.
3. How do i learn to love and forgive this kind person who loved me in the only way she knows, yet is someone I reject so strongly.
4. Can I drop everything and be with the girl i love in another country?
I am at severe odds and in pain with myself.
I know the answer to my problems is to make enough money so that I can outsource my care to another. Yet this goes counter to my culture and values. And I dont have money.
I am now even more determined to work hard.
Went running at night. Ended up sleeping late. Late sleep and wake is a sign of real troubles tomorrow.
WED
Slipped. Moody and down. snoozed for over an hour. morning gym was unenergetic and unmotivating. craved external stimulus. got sucked in but thankfully no action taken.
Napped at noon and woke with anxiety and alertness:
"Stop wallowing in self pity. I only have 1 life. I must live it fully"
This afternoon feeling is day vs night in terms of my morning emotions.
Question: How do i keep this drive ???
Meeting my friends for coffee gave me new insight:
"interesting people are people with interests"
I talked about having immense fear, worry and shame (?!?) when taking my last project. I wonder why.
Method: I need to find a way to frame my mind positively !
I discovered new idea: "motivation for children"
Forced myself to go for meetup group in the evening.
I reframe my thinking from "this is a chore" to "this is wonderful and broadening for me"
Indeed, I have new skills now.
I am thinking I must work hard so that I can raise enough money to help others.
Somewhere along these days I spoke to someone of my depression and wore it on my sleeve like it was an achievement or something.
This is really odd.
I must no longer talk to others of my depression.
This does not instill any confidence in others or myself.
From this day on I will reframe all my words to speak only of
"abundance, success, positivity"
"We must really listen hard to our own words. The answers are all hidden within"