My future is awesome!

[TakeActionNow]

Working through Anger and irritability, did the following:
1. What are the causes
2. What are the solutions

1. Causes
Lack of sleep
Illness
People agitation
Unresolved unhappiness
Built up stress


2. Solutions
A. Sleep! Rest more!
B. Drink water. Put out the fire
C. Cut meat. Eat veg & fruits. Ease the digestive system and reduce hormonal charges from meat
D. Get iced coffee. Minor boost in case of dopamine dip
E. Get a little bit done. Achievement boost.
F. Reduce exposure to people and noise
G. Cut stimulants. Less action videos and loud music. Chill out here I am.

 

[TakeActionNow]

Reduced objectification

When women are no longer ojectified, their attractiveness change.

Walking outside, I no longer want action with anyone attractive or well groomed.
Why?
Cos I recognize their identity and don't know if they are attractive on the inside too.
And inner attraction can be very complex. It's hard to find someone truly attractive as we age. Perhaps it's a false ideal. I'm still in recovery with imperfect outlooks.

I'm definitely more discerning now. This is good. I'll make better choices for myself.

I'm progressing.

 

[TakeActionNow]

Plan and give

These are the activities that bring a lot of happiness

 

[TakeActionNow]

One thing I like alot about recovery is becoming less sensitive about people and words.

This comes from clarity and self recognition.

Alot of my time these days are spent on self recognition : recognizing what I did, for whom and for what purpose.
Initially only for delivering joy of achievement, it's turned into greater awareness of my contribution.

So later on if anyone were to make disparaging remarks relating to my efforts, I can reflect if it's true, and if not, decide if and how I will respond.

Sometimes I don't bother to respond, if I feel I've done my part and the remarks are unjustified. Why should I make further effort to clarify with someone else, if I know I've done my part. Their talk is cheap, and a cheap talker deserves no respect.

No, getting their endorsement or agreement isn't important.
I have been honorable.
My integrity is intact.

I like myself getting more independent and strong.

 

[TakeActionNow]

Along the way to healing we will definitely experience occasional great pain and anger.
This is true even for physiotherapy, as we must tear scar tissue in order to release the body parts to greater mobility.

The mental scar tissue we have here are the compusive and habitual thoughts, the flawed expectations, the impossible fantasies, the rigid opinions, the dependencies on others, the blame game, the preference for easy and escape, and the resistance to change.

Like physiotherapy we must endure.
Endure endure endure
Blame no one
Depend on no one
Focus on recovery
Focus on results
Focus on outcomes

Be the cripple who is eventually freed of crutches to walk unaided.

Be the addict who is eventually freed of complusion and dependencies to live honestly.

 

[Nacho C]

uau, @TakeActionNow!!! I am reading all your posts I find it (everything) reeeeally interesting and useful! Please, try thinking about how to share and show all that ideas to more men. We need this level of clarity and synthesis.

Hope we could keep in touch and help each other. One day, I would be really grateful to receive some ideas/help to spread and share my humble testimony on youtube...

 

[TakeActionNow]

Hello @Nacho C thank you very much for your kind and encouraging words. I really appreciate it.
Unfortunately I consider I think alot, and don't do so much. So change happens very slowly for me.
Unlike me, you make big action, so I feel that's even more impressive.

Anyway I'm a work in progress and there're still a lot I need to improve on. Happy to share this journey with you.
Every one on this journey is destined for good outcomes!

Cheers!

 

[TakeActionNow]

HABITUAL AND COMPULSIVE THOUGHTS.

Unfortunately occasionally I still have many habitual and compulsive thoughts:
I need to check some sites
I need to have a bang
I need to eat some food (late at night)
I need to this ... I need to that

Came to the conclusion that it's because I don't have a disciplined mind!

Disciplining a mind is like disciplining a naughty monkey.

Not scold.... Discipline.

Why did you do this?
Does it benefit you?
What could you have done better for yourself?
What is better for yourself?

Reflect those intrusive thoughts not in a harsh way, but in a kind, gentle and inquisitive way.
Logically. Sensibly.

Guide myself towards correct action.
Gotta learn this.
Gotta be disciplined


Oh ya, I forgot.
It's because I don't have a higher purpose , goal or mission in life to direct myself.
When I do, that'll be the beacon for all my thoughts and action.

 

[TakeActionNow]

I want a late night snack
Why?
Am I hungry ? No
Is it habitual? Yes
Do I desire a flat tummy? Yes
Is this helping me? No
Is there a real need? No
So what's the real reason? To feel good
What's the error? Choosing an easy solution blindly and conveniently
What's the alternative? Focus on goal; find an alternative source of feel good; reflect on earlier efforts made; go to bed early

Works the same for other unhelpful habitual thoughts.

Always begin with a firm NO!

 

[TakeActionNow]

Change is very simple.
Just do what we're supposed to.
But change can be hard when we mentally resist it, and come up with all kinds of excuses and alternatives.

Don't be a wussy.
Your word is your everything.
No means no.
Just do it.

 

[TakeActionNow]

Cognitive dissonance

1. Change behavior to be consistent with new information
2. Conditions or justification before change
3. Down play or reject new information (that's BS)

We are here thus we are not #3.

Some of us are #2, where the focus is on others or our partners. That's blame game.

Gotta be #1
What something in life?
Just do it.



Remember that the power to change cannot come solely from willpower.
Willpower is a limited resource and will run out the more one uses it.

The power to change comes from replacement. Just as we cannot exist within a vacuum, pleasure abstinence cannot exist without suitable replacement.

Thus the true power of change comes from new approaches to life, happiness, stress and discomfort.

Focus on these areas and change becomes easier.

 

[TakeActionNow]

Unexpected outcomes

With abstinence comes calmness
Calmness leads to collectiveness.
Collectiveness leads to focus
Focus leads to results
Results lead to confidence
Confidence leads to stability
Stability leads to long term outlook
Long term outlook leads to sustainable happiness.

I used to think I have anxiety and ADHD issues. I thought that's the reason I cannot focus, why I'm unstable, why I need to externals to make me feel comfortable, even if it's only good for a short while and rotten for longer.

Now I know it's just unstable dopamine levels.
Unstable dopamine levels create many cognitive and physical issues.
Motivation issues.
Discomfort.
Disorientation.
Depression.

It's not a sex thing.
It's a stability thing.
An unstable mind cannot lead to a stable life.

We need stability to function properly.

This is what reboot is for.
Not about ED or needing sex to feel good.
It's about regaining control of self so that external dependency is no longer needed when we can achieve everything by ourselves.

 

[TakeActionNow]

It never cease to baffle me why attraction to sex can create so much troubles. Those of us who indulge and get into excesses tend to lose our senses. It leads instability and results in chaos.

But then again this cycle appears to be a normal feature in the animal world. Examples are elephants and stags going mad and doing crazy things during mating season.
Imagine them continuing the madness into winter. They'll die of damage or starvation.

I too have been leading myself into madness and harm with my actions.

So habitual excesses leads to inner instability.
Inner instability leads to looking outward for relief. (The driving force of nature to procreate)
Continued instability leads to self doubt and self harm.
Motivation is hormonal and rage based, not intellectual, and is both short sighted and unsustainable.

The same rage, insatiable hunger and instability can also be found with addicts of other forms: Nicotine, alcohol, drugs, gambling, anabolic steroid.
The energy, selfishness and shortsightedness all arise from an unstable core.

To restrain is to stabilize
To abstain is to have a core.

 

[TakeActionNow]

I try to write as often as I can because honestly, my memory sucks and I get out of the focus zone very quickly.

I don't want to lose any insight, which happens alot, and I don't want to put it in my notes because that gets lost too, so into this forum my thoughts goes. If it goes to help someone else reading, even better.

On memory and focus, our addiction destroys them in 2 ways.
Dopamine is needed for learning and motivation. Low dopamine means motivation to learn is less and with drive the brain is less inclined to store new information.
Also because learning itself provides less dopamine than porn, the brain is easily distracted for sake of seeking dopamine elsewhere, making remembering things unlikely because one cant remember whatever one isn't paying attention to.

So one thing I'm trying to take notice of after reboot is if I am able to stay attentive to one study subject for a longer time and focus on it. (Duration and attention)

It would only be yes if
1. The attention duration is longer
2. I can remember what the study was about.

I really hope my memory and attention improves.
Having a stiffy is less important.

 

[TakeActionNow]

I am very grateful for the information and insights shared by Dr Trish Leigh and Prof Andrew Huberman.

A key difference between them is that Dr Leigh focuses on porn addiction and she constantly motivates with positivities.

Some insights she mentioned were very interesting:

1. when one stops porn and reboots, the brain returns back to the state prior to addiction. This could be in the teens for most of us. It means we never had full mental control in the years following our addiction and now that we've quit, we have a chance to return to that state and continue on with full ability. I am looking forward to this change.

2. It helps to revisit and address root causes that drove us to this abuse in the very beginning. Was there child abuse or neglect? By coming full circle and facing our ancient pains, hopefully we can resolve them and release this burden from ourselves, and move forward in a healthy way without the need of addiction to soothe us anymore.

3. Porn is a performance. Watching too much porn turns our experience of beautiful connection into performance anxiety.
Wanting to impress? Performance
Visualizing a scene doing sex? Performance
Having a goal during sex? Performance
But sex is not a performance. It is an interaction. It is a connection.
Making sex a performance takes all the love and joy out of it, making it a soulless job.

 

[TakeActionNow]

Pretty people still attracts me but I respond very differently now
1. Me getting together with them is less than 0%
2. They look pretty but they're not as interesting as whatever I am doing now
3. They look pretty but damn it's a world of pain to go after them
4. I have no idea what they are like and I can't be bothered to find out.
5. The risk of losing everything is too large to bear.
6. Watch out, it's my fantasizing brain at work again

And then I lose interest and get back to whatever I was doing.

It's good that the dopamine kick I get from oglying at women and fantasies are diminishing. That means I'm less motivated to seek porn. More importantly it means I am more interested in getting my joy fix elsewhere.
This means reboot is working for me.. hoorah!

 

[Nacho C]

Hi @TakeActionNow . I wanted to share with you a discover that is helping me a lot, and I would like to know your point of view.

One fulcrum to rediscover and rebuild, when rebooting, is the the care and cultivation of affections: feel the love of the ones how loves you and give loves to them. And focus your time and your energy in this motivation/goal. This experience is something forgoten or careless when PMO makes us slaves of the screens...

And I am talking about this idea from my personal experience. I am actually enjoying a weekend with my family focusing on this proposal and I feel really really happy and "redempted", you know? In my case, the experience of enjoying the affections of my father and my brother is, by far, better than PMO and the selfish of being thinking in oneself all the time.

Please, I would like to know your point of view about this. Thanks in advance!,

Nacho

 

[TakeActionNow]

Hi @Nacho C you are absolutely right.

Consider that all addictions are an effort to soothe, and the very core of porn addiction is a seeking of love and connection to soothe.

Sex is none other than a deep connection with another person.

Porn addiction is the only addiction that involves another person. It is uniquely a social abuse, not a substance or activity abuse.

When you have a close partner with whom you have a healthy sex life, you would not need porn to soothe you because your relationship has already given you all you need : love, trust, support and connection.

When you have close friends and strong relationships that also give you love, care and support, you also probably won't fall into addiction.

Addiction usually happens at a time when we do not have good love in our lives. Social isolation is usually a cause, especially in the modern urban world. It usually happens when we do not know how to soothe ourselves (young and lack knowledge how to properly love self), when we are overwhelmed in life and have no one to turn to for support (adult), or we are introduced by friends who don't know better (bad love).

For many porn addicts, we are seeking that which we don't yet know how to properly give ourselves: love, support and acceptance.

Boys are also easier to fall into porn addiction because culturally we need to appear strong and socially we are rarely as emotionally supportive and comforting as girls are to each other. This makes emotional issue even harder to solve.

So you are right. Finding love is at the center of porn addiction and curing this addiction is all about learning how to self soothe and regulate our moods. And this is done through healthy self love and can be enhanced by building positive loving relationships with others through kindness and compassion.

Cheers !

 

[Nacho C]

Hi @Nacho C you are absolutely right.

Consider that all addictions are an effort to soothe, and the very core of porn addiction is a seeking of love and connection to soothe.

Sex is none other than a deep connection with another person.

Porn addiction is the only addiction that involves another person. It is uniquely a social abuse, not a substance or activity abuse.

When you have a close partner with whom you have a healthy sex life, you would not need porn to soothe you because your relationship has already given you all you need : love, trust, support and connection.

When you have close friends and strong relationships that also give you love, care and support, you also probably won't fall into addiction.

Addiction usually happens at a time when we do not have good love in our lives. Social isolation is usually a cause, especially in the modern urban world. It usually happens when we do not know how to soothe ourselves (young and lack knowledge how to properly love self), when we are overwhelmed in life and have no one to turn to for support (adult), or we are introduced by friends who don't know better (bad love).

For many porn addicts, we are seeking that which we don't yet know how to properly give ourselves: love, support and acceptance.

Boys are also easier to fall into porn addiction because culturally we need to appear strong and socially we are rarely as emotionally supportive and comforting as girls are to each other. This makes emotional issue even harder to solve.

So you are right. Finding love is at the center of porn addiction and curing this addiction is all about learning how to self soothe and regulate our moods. And this is done through healthy self love and can be enhanced by building positive loving relationships with others through kindness and compassion.

Cheers !

Thanks!!! Very clear and useful your explanation. Your consideration help me a lot!,

Nacho

 

[TakeActionNow]

Why 90 days PMO free works

That's the average time it takes to break associations and form new ones.

Once broken, the only way to reestablish old associations again is through repeated abuse. That's why continued abstinence even after 90 is necessary.

But once broken, it's harder to relate porn and masturbation with pleasure. Time heals, and the mind forgets. And as long as we can keep the connection broken, we can continue to remain addiction free

Testiment.
I'd occasionally scan chat sites for a few seconds (old habit of looking for familiar faces but with no intention for indulgence.
Lame excuse. I should totally stop) but I get no kicks or joy out of it at all.
It tells me I've "broken up" with this relationship and I'm sort of behaving like a loser stalking a ex's social media

So I need to remain vigilent and not "rekindle" this relationship.

Break up means break up.
Gotta go bye bye adios and farewell and thanks but no thanks.