As recent as June 2022, I was
- Unmotivated to work
- Unhappy with wife
- unclear about my future
- Living day to day without purpose
- Had nothing to be happy about at all
- Fault finding and blaming with everything
- Gossipy and attention seeking
- emotionally charged and hyper sensitive
- future is negative, dark and pessimistic.
- highly dependent on others for my happiness
- past looking, forward avoiding
Something happened in June that made me stop completely. I'm not clear what. I need to go back and review. Renovations started in August and I lapsed once because of stress.
Oct came about and I lapsed once for relief. Went on a family trip and lapsed once in Dec for relief.
After 7 months dry and 3 outages, today I'm a changed man.
My mind is clear about the nonsense and irresponsible person and living I was last year. I am now filled with motivation to work and improve for a better life.
Let's compare again. Today I'm:
- Very motivated to work harder
- happy with wife
- clear about my future
- Living day to day with purpose
- aware and happy about many simple and small things in life
- quietly observing to understand and identify solution plan and path
- not interested to draw any attention to myself
- emotionally stable, comfortable, contented.
- future is positive and optimistic
- highly independent on others for my happiness
- past ignoring, forward looking
The people who educated me the most:
- this article
that made all the sense about post orgasm destabilization
- Dr Andrew Huberman
, on understanding physical and neurological nature of human beings.
- Dr Trish Leigh
, on understanding porn affliction and recovery
- Dr Jordan Peterson
, on psychology and reminding on good values
- Kevin Samuels
(RIP), on seeing the real side of entitlement and delusion
- and a host of other educational sources for direct and indirect learning and understanding.
My own recovery phase theory:
Phase 1. Dealing with abstinence
Phase 2. Reconnect positively with environment
Phase 3. Redirected living with purpose.
What I did differently:
1. Blog obsessively everyday my thoughts (reflecting)
2. Watch only media with the intent to learn and understand (realization)
3. Focus on every little accomplishments I did (recognition)
4. Recognize and reward myself (positive reinforcement)
I didn't run, eat or slept differently. I didn't meet more people. I didn't have a therapist. I didn't change other aspects of my life. Aside from the above mentioned activities, my life didn't change.
Addiction is not about sex or even pleasure. It is about complusion and depression. It is about avoidance. It is about delusion. It is about misinformation. It is about ignorance. Its outcome is 100% bad.
Happy living is akin to fresh air, freely available to all of us. Evil capitalist made us believe smoke was good. I know better now. I'm going back to green fields.
Recognizing that recovery is possible and within us all, I hope you too can rediscover yourself.