IMPOTENCE EXPRESSED
Read an article of a fellow blogger about his dislike for his wife and mom as needy and pathetic and this title was my immediate thought.
I reflect on myself.
I dislike my mom too, for she always complain about this and that, especially my father, but yet does nothing about it. He worked overseas for a long time to earn our keep, and they were not close, so while she was docile in front of him, when he was away she grumbles and is discontented. For he had a strong and independent personality, and sotoo was his mother, but she was needy and dependent, as was her mom. She craved his attention and support, but only received he discontentment, for he expected her to be like his mom, and was obviously disappointed. She was clearly not perfect, though she did tried her very best to care for us. She was very protective, maybe too much. That our care went beyond her duty, and meant more as a reflection of her needs. She could not endure failure and rejection, and thus that was all she had. She had many fears and worries, and we inherited them.
And I blame her for many of my own woes, for I was too protected, and thus learnt to blame many, instead of moving forward to change or improve things.
PMO addiction is one such activity, for why do we yank in the dark when we could just approach woman and learn or deal with rejection? This is only one aspect of our overall impotence towards life.
Impotence here is not about erectile dysfunction. It is about the lack of ability or willingness to do something, to endure failure. Wanting something but not daring to reach it. So we blame others. Shameless.
So many things we inherit but are unaware of.
My mom is not the topic here.
I am.
I can continue to carry the family curse, or change it.
I better do something about this. Thank you fellow blogger for enlightening me.
LOVE UNREQUITED
Is this why we yank, because we want but did not dare?
Or because we learnt, that only things kept in the dark are deserving?
Is our love not good and enduring, because we are not good and enduring?
Did we love internet woman like we loved our mom, not in the sexual sense, but in the seeking proper attention sense. I felt she constantly put herself down, so much so that she appeared underserving of our love, and thus we learnt ironically, that our love is unworthy, and thus can only be expressed in the dark, never to be received, just as internet girls will never know who we are.
She needs to be proud of who she is
And I need to be proud of who I am
That my love is attractive and desirable
That I am attractive and desirable
Not just to others
but more importantly to myself.
My mom does not know how to properly love others, as she does not know how to properly love herself.
And I cannot help her, because no one can fill a bottomless well.
Her time is nearing an end.
And one day my time will too.
Years of personal neglect have left her empty and filled with illness, sufferings mutliplied. I do not want my last days to be like hers.
I need to fill my own well quickly, and not pass on any more of this debilitating emptiness to the people around me.
Freud, you bastard, were you speaking the truth, or is this just a convenient excuse?