Best changes in partner and relationship and you during and after reboot?
- Thread starter Gracie
- Start date
aquarius25
Respected Member
I would say during and right after the first 90 days, I didn't see the changes much. I am not saying they weren't there I just think I was too consumed my hurt to see them and they were pretty new changes that were just starting.
The biggest changes I have noticed in my husband and our marriage didn't come until about 6-9 months of no porn. That was when he started really understanding the depth and magnitude of the situation and really started committing to a life change. The differences that I have noticed are
More of a conscious awareness of other humans and the fact they have actual feelings, lol.
He is more aware of his behavior and is mindful about what he is doing and what he says.
He isn't just waking up and on auto pilot through his day. He thinks about what he is doing and how it impacts the world around him.
He is learning to be thoughtful of my needs. He thinks about what I might be doing and if I might need support and he even occasionally asked me what I need. That is really huge.
He still has low self-esteem but I can see that as more time passes that is fading and he is becoming more confident with who he is.
He is finally starting to understand what it means to be a partner.
For us these changes give us a chance to have a real marriage. I think before we were going through a lot of the motions and I had done a real good job of trying to convince myself that I was happy. However, if I am going, to be honest, I wasn't, and neither was he. We probably would have ended in divorce eventually. On my bad days when I felt a lot of hurts I remember convincing myself that our marriage was perfect before and his PA has ruined everything. Now his PA definitely was a cause for a lot of our problems, even when I didn't know about it. but it didn't ruin everything. We had plenty problem without it. some of the problems were my fault. I can't blame him for everything. In a marriage, two people are responsible, it is never one person. I think now we have a chance at having real happiness together, authentic happiness. Not just an image of what we think it is supposed to look like but the real thing.
For me I am learning who I am. I am learning to love myself and not allow someone, not even my husband, to shake that. I am learning what I am capable of. I still have quite a low self-esteem but I am trying to start seeing myself as beautiful, capable, and worthy. That is a hard one. I tend to be an encourager of others but when it comes to myself I tend to view myself as someone who is worthless, and stupid, and incapable of anything. I tend to feel that I don't have anything of value to offer anyone. That is a terrible feeling to carry around. I also don't want to project that on my children. So this experience has shown me how important it is that I learn to love myself, learn to have confidence in who I am and what I can do. I am working on receiving compliments and saying thank you rather than disregarding them, and above all else learning how to be comfortable in my own skin. Being married to a man who requires medication to be physical with you really does a number on that, lol. But I shouldn't allow anyone the power to make me feel unattractive, worthless, and unworthy of love.
Sorry for the long reply, lol. This really go tme thinking. Thank you so much Gracie! THis is a great topic!
The biggest changes I have noticed in my husband and our marriage didn't come until about 6-9 months of no porn. That was when he started really understanding the depth and magnitude of the situation and really started committing to a life change. The differences that I have noticed are
More of a conscious awareness of other humans and the fact they have actual feelings, lol.
He is more aware of his behavior and is mindful about what he is doing and what he says.
He isn't just waking up and on auto pilot through his day. He thinks about what he is doing and how it impacts the world around him.
He is learning to be thoughtful of my needs. He thinks about what I might be doing and if I might need support and he even occasionally asked me what I need. That is really huge.
He still has low self-esteem but I can see that as more time passes that is fading and he is becoming more confident with who he is.
He is finally starting to understand what it means to be a partner.
For us these changes give us a chance to have a real marriage. I think before we were going through a lot of the motions and I had done a real good job of trying to convince myself that I was happy. However, if I am going, to be honest, I wasn't, and neither was he. We probably would have ended in divorce eventually. On my bad days when I felt a lot of hurts I remember convincing myself that our marriage was perfect before and his PA has ruined everything. Now his PA definitely was a cause for a lot of our problems, even when I didn't know about it. but it didn't ruin everything. We had plenty problem without it. some of the problems were my fault. I can't blame him for everything. In a marriage, two people are responsible, it is never one person. I think now we have a chance at having real happiness together, authentic happiness. Not just an image of what we think it is supposed to look like but the real thing.
For me I am learning who I am. I am learning to love myself and not allow someone, not even my husband, to shake that. I am learning what I am capable of. I still have quite a low self-esteem but I am trying to start seeing myself as beautiful, capable, and worthy. That is a hard one. I tend to be an encourager of others but when it comes to myself I tend to view myself as someone who is worthless, and stupid, and incapable of anything. I tend to feel that I don't have anything of value to offer anyone. That is a terrible feeling to carry around. I also don't want to project that on my children. So this experience has shown me how important it is that I learn to love myself, learn to have confidence in who I am and what I can do. I am working on receiving compliments and saying thank you rather than disregarding them, and above all else learning how to be comfortable in my own skin. Being married to a man who requires medication to be physical with you really does a number on that, lol. But I shouldn't allow anyone the power to make me feel unattractive, worthless, and unworthy of love.
Sorry for the long reply, lol. This really go tme thinking. Thank you so much Gracie! THis is a great topic!
Well the thought occured that looking at things from a different view helps. I wanted to get it down on here before the train of thought was gone. I have grands here (little people) and not much time to write everything. In a few days, they will be gone and I will really respond.
I agree though that there were things I needed to work on from myself pre d day. Just want that out there.
Hoping to get positives flowing!!!
I agree though that there were things I needed to work on from myself pre d day. Just want that out there.
Hoping to get positives flowing!!!
aquarius25
Respected Member
Gracie, Good thinking. I have to say I really enjoy topic that gets me thinking forward and have some positivity to them. It is so easy to be consumed by all of the negativity and hurt. It is nice to be reminded of the direction we are working toward and why we are trying to make this relationship work. I hope you enjoy time with the grandbabies!
aquarius25
Respected Member
I think another change that I am noticing... when I look back to before D-day if someone had asked me about goals for the future with my husband I would have rattled off places to go or have the house paid off or some other tangible things. Now my first thoughts is for our emotional connection. My goals is for us to grow together and continue to become more connected. I am less focused on the things and more of us. I see that as a positive and a real shift in my perspective. Ultimately I think this will bring us and me personally a lot more happiness. It is pretty exciting to notice and reflect on.
One of my best changes was learning to listen to my husband. When he was watching porn, and he would talk about work, I would literally have to ask him if he was losing his job before I could listen. Maybe it was the unsettled feeling that something was amiss in our relationship, but I would get really scared. Now I really listen. Sometimes I find myself wanting to go back to the old way of okay job is not in jeopardy so only one ear will listen. i really listen to what he is saying.
Kimba
Active Member
Mixed feelings still, we seem closer at times and then not. I think I have a more realistic view of our relationship whereas before I thought he was the ants pants ! He does talk more about things around us but I would say that we are still early stages, its been 10 months... I do feel better about myself, I feel more confident when I leave our place of work that he isn't rushing to the computer, so in that way I think my stress levels have reduced.
I have so many more good days now than before and trust is still building, I wouldn't say I trust him again but I'm not so crazy about checking things, I think basically I am letting go of the past and moving on...
You have to make a conscious choice to Just Let It Go ... I said to him the other day, I took Covenant eyes off his phone and said now its about you making the right decisions on our relationship and the future...
So who knows, its time to move on and just get on living and having some fun, must say though, I have sex more often ha ha ha
I have so many more good days now than before and trust is still building, I wouldn't say I trust him again but I'm not so crazy about checking things, I think basically I am letting go of the past and moving on...
You have to make a conscious choice to Just Let It Go ... I said to him the other day, I took Covenant eyes off his phone and said now its about you making the right decisions on our relationship and the future...
So who knows, its time to move on and just get on living and having some fun, must say though, I have sex more often ha ha ha
So now I am back and have time to answer this question. Best changes.......
1. He senses when something has bothered me. Or is bothering me. In spite of doing the book on communication, I still have trouble being open. I still get scared. But on the up side, he keeps asking and working on it until I am able to. Which means he understands. BIG +.
2. Making love is fun. We can laugh.
3. When I get thrown off balance or feel wonky, I know he is there for me. I know he is not going to pull back and leave the cheese standing alone.
4. I can go and be confident in my job.
5. We really are in love and we really are meant for each other.
6. 99% of the time I do not feel stupid for not seeing this coming.
7. As we talk more we find out more about each other. I have actually found out things I did not know about him.
8. I can have all of this PA thing well up at an odd moment and he holds me and apologizes. And just lets me cry if that is needed.
9. I now know that we will grow old together. I did not believe that after d day.
10. He is more relaxed than ever.
11. I have learned that marriage takes communication, hard work, forgiveness, love, respect, understanding, compassion, empathy and intimacy to be all that it can be.
I know that this is short and to the point, but that is how I approach things in life. I truly am amazed at how much better our marriage is. Is it the same marriage? NO It is different than before. But it is excellent.
Gracie
1. He senses when something has bothered me. Or is bothering me. In spite of doing the book on communication, I still have trouble being open. I still get scared. But on the up side, he keeps asking and working on it until I am able to. Which means he understands. BIG +.
2. Making love is fun. We can laugh.
3. When I get thrown off balance or feel wonky, I know he is there for me. I know he is not going to pull back and leave the cheese standing alone.
4. I can go and be confident in my job.
5. We really are in love and we really are meant for each other.
6. 99% of the time I do not feel stupid for not seeing this coming.
7. As we talk more we find out more about each other. I have actually found out things I did not know about him.
8. I can have all of this PA thing well up at an odd moment and he holds me and apologizes. And just lets me cry if that is needed.
9. I now know that we will grow old together. I did not believe that after d day.
10. He is more relaxed than ever.
11. I have learned that marriage takes communication, hard work, forgiveness, love, respect, understanding, compassion, empathy and intimacy to be all that it can be.
I know that this is short and to the point, but that is how I approach things in life. I truly am amazed at how much better our marriage is. Is it the same marriage? NO It is different than before. But it is excellent.
Gracie
aquarius25
Respected Member
Gracie, that is perfectly said. You are so encouraging!
AnonymousAnnaXO
Active Member
Amazing post Gracie! I've been off for a while due to wedding stuff.
But I can say that I never imagined to be where I am right now with my husband. (I love saying that) Given everything we've gone through, and the fact we still both chose to marry each other shows tremendous strength and understanding from both of us.
We are a million times closer! I can't say that enough. We go through some rough patches, but over all we are so much closer than when he was in his addiction.
We are much better at communicating with each other, and through this journey have learned a lot about compromise and boundaries.
Making love is something that I think I am personally still working on at times because sometimes I disconnect because of fear, but the times we both have been present have been the most amazing times. We can laugh, cry from happiness, and just be in the moment and forget everything else that's going on. I feel so safe.
I see that through all this we truly do love each other and are an amazing team when we both pitch in.
I love that we are still learning things about each other, which has happened due to improvement in communication.
I feel like our relationship is real, honest, loving, and supportive. I feel there was some of that missing while he was active in his addiction.
But I can say that I never imagined to be where I am right now with my husband. (I love saying that) Given everything we've gone through, and the fact we still both chose to marry each other shows tremendous strength and understanding from both of us.
We are a million times closer! I can't say that enough. We go through some rough patches, but over all we are so much closer than when he was in his addiction.
We are much better at communicating with each other, and through this journey have learned a lot about compromise and boundaries.
Making love is something that I think I am personally still working on at times because sometimes I disconnect because of fear, but the times we both have been present have been the most amazing times. We can laugh, cry from happiness, and just be in the moment and forget everything else that's going on. I feel so safe.
I see that through all this we truly do love each other and are an amazing team when we both pitch in.
I love that we are still learning things about each other, which has happened due to improvement in communication.
I feel like our relationship is real, honest, loving, and supportive. I feel there was some of that missing while he was active in his addiction.