We will comprehend the word serenity and we will know peace

[jberg]

I am 55 years old, married for 12 years, and have been a member of 12-step program for sex addicts since 1997.  I've been "sober" in the program for 13 years.  That's 13 years of no sex with self (masturbation) or anyone other than my spouse for 13 years.  While my life is vastly improved over my acting out days (that consisted of endless masturbating in strip clubs, with porn, and with prostitutes), I have been held back from actually having a normal, healthy sex life due to my continued occasional use of porn. 

I have not had sex with my wife in 4 years. For the first 2 years of this hiatus, the reasons were many, but I believe the root cause to have been anger and resentment that developed between us while raising a child with Asperger's Syndrome.  I used other factors such as the arrival of a new baby, and my wife's medical problems  as excuses for my lack of intimacy with my her.  I now see that the next two years of this sexual anorexia was due to my use of porn.  During this time, I would resort to porn infrequently--about one 5-day binge every year or so.  In order to not have to reset my "sobriety date", I would not climax, but would continually edge to more and more intense images including phone sex.  I would finally stop only because nothing could arouse me any longer, and my balls were so sore that I had trouble walking due to the extreme pain.  Those binges were so intense, that I would totally flatline afterward, making sex with my wife impossible for me, even though I dearly wanted to.

The last of these binges was from Thursday, July 13th - Tuesday July 18th, 2017.  I was stunned to find this site today.  I never knew that Porn Induced ED was possible.  For all these years, I assume it was performance anxiety that was holding me back from intimacy with my wife. But after listening to the amazing videos, I now know my problem and have hope for a real solution.  I'm shocked to discover that I was never a sex addict.  I have been addicted to pornography.  Someone might be tempted to say that it should have been obvious to anyone that having sex with my wife would be way better than NOT having sex with images or in chat rooms.  But I had rewired my brain over the years with chronic over-consumption. 
Let the healing begin.  God Bless those of you who put up this website!!

 

[jberg]

Reboot Day 4.
After learning from the YourBrainOnPorn website about how chronic over-consumption of porn had rewired my brain, my condition during the past 4 years suddenly came into focus.

My addiction to masturbation, porn, prostitutes, and strip clubs had kept me isolated--"fantasy corrupted the real, lust killed love" until I was 38 years old.  Then  I found a 12-step program, got sober, and within a couple of years met a fabulous woman and got married.  Sex during the first 8 years, in our marriage was nothing like nothing the lust-filled, anxiety-filled sex I had previously experienced with girlfriends while I was still using PMO.

Then, as alluded to in my previous post, I started letting resentment and anger back into my life, and started using porn again but without PMO--so I thought I was safe and could still call myself sober.  Before my marriage, while trying to get sober from sex addiction, I became an expert at extreme edging, and I was able to pick up right back where I had left off.  I knew this was damaging my psyche and brain, but I never imagined to what extent until now.  From my past experience, I think it may take at least 6 months for my brain to get rewired to the point where I can engage in normal, healthy, lust-free sex with my wife.  My question is should I wait a while before restarting non-sexual physical contact with her?  From what I understand from the videos is that such contact may accelerate the healing process (rebooting) my brain is going through?  I would appreciate any feedback only if it is from your own, direct experience.  Anything that starts out with "I would imagine that.." or "I would guess that.." is not useful to me right now.  Feedback I'm looking for starts out with "What happened to me was...."

 

[jberg]

Reboot Day 7
Two nights ago, I stayed up until 3 AM watching TV even though I have to wake up at 5 AM to go to work.  The show was not triggering (Better Call Saul) but this type of unhealthy behavior is a warning sign.  Stopping the use of porn is a necessary step, but it is not a sustainable one if taken in isolation. 

Our habit made true intimacy impossible. We could never know real union with another because we were addicted to the unreal. We went for the ?chemistry,? the connection that had the magic, because it by-passed intimacy and true union. Fantasy corrupted the real; lust killed love.

If I don't take steps to also make true, intimate connections (with my spouse, with my Higher Power, and with those around me), I'm in danger of picking up right where I left off.  This a daily exercise.  Like eating food.  I have to do a little every day to strengthen and nourish those soul-connections.

 

[jberg]

Reboot Day 10
The knowledge that lusting after the big fix was actually triggering brain chemistry and re-wiring my mind has helped me to recognized the effects of my own actions and to change my actions.

Between stimulus and response there is a space. In that space is our power to choose our response. In our response lies our growth and our freedom.  --Viktor Frankl

This morning I walked past a woman who usually triggers my lust.  As it started to happen again, I recalled from my morning meditation the plan that whenever I was tempted to either procrastinate or to lust while at work today, that I would recall my reboot, think about true union with my wife, and my desire to have intimate connection with my Higher Power.  I instantly felt a change take place inside my brain.  I felt a wave of serenity wash over me, and the desire to lust melted away completely. Between stimulus and response there is a space. This time after the stimulus, I chose a different path; one leading to peace and a connection with my Higher Power.  Therein lies my freedom from the tyranny of lust and porn addiction.  As I sat down to write about this incident, I understood for the first time the phrase from the AA Promises which is the title of this blog.

 

[TakeActionNow]

jberg,
you are doing very well.

If we can consider PMO as a 'dirty" activity, then going and staying clean can mean keeping to holistic healthy living.

For me sleeping late is a dangerous spiral.
my mind goes foggy, i get emotionally unstable and all the poor decisions start happening.

Separately, helping others reinforces my self confidence and beliefs, and it helps to keep me on the straight, honest and ungreedy/uncraving path.

you are right on so many levels:
- events are not isolated
- having a plan to tackle situations
- a space that is the opportunity to make a choice

please keep contributing and add your insights to aid our collective improvement.

 

[jberg]

Reboot Day 13
TakeActionNow, thanks for the positive feedback and the good advice.
Today went pretty well--thoughts of lust were quickly put out by recalling my reboot and desire for true intimacy.  Temptations to procrastinate were similarly avoided. But this is only Day 13.  How do I make this sustainable?  During my meditation/walk this afternoon, I remembered that not acting out, no PMO, not lusting, not procrastinating, not...not...not... was never enough.  I have to fill the void of my empty heart with true intimacy with others.  That can be accomplished by being of service to others.

Separately, helping others reinforces my self confidence and beliefs, and it helps to keep me on the straight, honest and ungreedy/uncraving path.

This advice arrived at my doorstep right on time.  Today I will ask how I can be of service to my co-workers, my family, and my brothers in this program.

 

[TakeActionNow]

Jberg,

you make it sustainable because this new lease of life is what you want
Do you want it ?
Do you want it bad enough ?

Capture that space between bowing down to emotions and sticking through with the plan.

Please find and read "The Road To Character" by David Brooks.
The stories there will give you the role models to be who you want to be.

I believe and have faith in you !

 

[jberg]

Reboot Day 14
A few nights ago, I read the Grapevine article by Dr. Silkworth (of AA fame) entitled Slips and Human Nature.  He compared slips to any relapse such as those suffered by cardiac patients and he said the cause is the same.  After someone survives a heart attack, the are given strict instructions regarding diet, rest, exercise, etc. and they follow them closely.  For a while.  After some time, they return to their old habits and then suffer a relapse.  The same is true for P addicts. As long as I'm following the doctor's orders (going to meetings, working the steps, giving and receiving sponsorship, being of service to others, daily meditation and prayer, etc..) I have a chance to gain progressive victory over this problem.

 

[TakeActionNow]

Jberg,

you are absolutely right.
Please come here daily and take your medicine by journaling
Your voice is the voice of reason and will guide you to eventual success and freedom.

 

[jberg]

Reboot Day 21
I rejoined my wife and children who were in another state visiting family for the past 4 weeks.  Although it had only been Day 17 of my reboot, something extraordinary happened.  While I felt that my inner attitude had undergone a definite change, I didn't think that my outer behavior was much different than I had been, except perhaps that I hugged my wife more frequently during the day and night.  After being with them for only two days, my wife made the most remarkable comment.  She said that she felt the same way she did when we were on our honeymoon!  I don't believe that a few hugs alone could have spawned such a comment?  She must have sensed the change in my inner attitude.  For too long I deluded myself into believing that as long as I was calm and polite on the outside, it didn't matter that I was filled with negativity and criticism on the inside.  Negativity and criticism, dwelling on the faults of my wife, children, and co-workers, affects me deeply and also affects those around me.

 

[jberg]

Reboot Day 24
I found these five steps in an AA Grapevine and modified them for myself. I do them during my morning shower, as the original author suggested.  I've been using them for the past 3 weeks and have found them to be extremely helpful.  I post them here in case they may help you, too.

Building the daily framework
The program goes something like this:
[list type=decimal]
[*]I thank God for my sobriety during the preceding day.
[*]Recall one victory. I search my mind for something in the preceding day that I did better than I would have done before working these steps. Some little victory over a character defect--some little application of something I have learned in SA. And I thank God for it.
[*]Recall the horrors. I know that the human mind reflexively dims down unpleasant memories, and I am resolved to counteract this reflex, lest I should ever think I can safely lust again. So I consciously recall horrors from my past. Now I have locked together in my mind binging with p*** and the inevitable result.
[*]I decide not to lust during the coming day and ask God's help in carrying out that decision. I actually picture situations in the upcoming day where I knew I would be exposed to a temptation to escape with lust. I visualize the forthcoming situation in detail and decide now how I will respond when the situation occurs.
[*]"Today's Special." I pick one fault or character defect that I am going to concentrate on for that day, and I ask God's help in making progress.
[/list]
The original article is entitled Why I need the 24-hour plan and is from the January 1968 magazine AA Grapevine. The author is listed as B. F. P. Manhattan, New York  Get the full article from http://www.aagrapevine.org/node/25139 (requires a subscription or 7-day free trial.)

 

[jberg]

Reboot Day 28
I am a bit tired, and really should be going to bed.  The thought crossed my mind that maybe I could handle looking at a picture now.  Strange how the addict brain works.  Thankfully, just this morning I recalled the horrors of where that leads, so I'm choosing to go to sleep instead--that's really what my body (and mind) need right now.

 

[TakeActionNow]

jberg,
if i may,
it is not the picture, there is something deeper driving you to do that
This comes from my own personal findings
When i am peaceful and contented, i am unwavering and uninterested
When i am anxious and unsettled, i seek things to comfort me

try to understand more about yourself, and treat the underlying causes.
in time you will not look to self gratification as a means of resolving your inner turmoils
but instead put mind body and heart towards personal improvement and achievement, which i know is infinitely better.

take care my friend

 

[jberg]

Reboot Day 34

When i am anxious and unsettled, i seek things to comfort me
try to understand more about yourself, and treat the underlying causes.

This is precisely right for me--thanks TakeActionNow!  Two days after my last post, I got so angry at my wife it seemed that my whole mind was consumed with rage.  Miraculously, I didn't say anything to her, but I shut down completely.  This is a big improvement for me (I know this sounds ludicrous to a emotionally mature person).  By the next day, the fever of anger had subsided, and I am now seeking a solution.  Before my reboot, I would have made some accusatory remark that would have resulted in a massive argument.

The problem is not an uncommon one.  I am angry that my wife spends so much time volunteering at my kid's school while neglecting our family.  She would not agree with this sentiment in the least.  Nevertheless, I don't know how to rid myself of this script that runs through my head.

 

[TakeActionNow]

J,
there are several aspects about this matter you may need to consider and understand independently

1. anger and rage
2. duration
3. expectations
4. communication
5. help her help you win

1. anger and rage
while anger and rage may arise from the subject matter, they are neither the subject matter nor dependent on the subject matter to remain active.
anger and rage are purely emotional.
just like an itch, a thought, a pain, anger and rage will arise, peak and will ultimately fade.
They continue to exist not because the subject matter remains, but you continue to fan its flames.
To put it out, you must treat anger and rage separately from the subject matter.
Look inwards towards your hurt, esteem and emotions, and take care of it separate from the subject matter.
Only when your flames subside can you address the subject matter calmly and coherently.
Anger is energy. Your grip becomes strong and hard. It hurts. You need to let go in order to move on, else you will only pass on hate and hurt.
I put my flames out by removing myself and go to a calm place, have a cold glass of water and breath deeply and slowly.
I also say to myself I am not interesting in having anger and rage.
I am only interested in finding a solution.
I will then direct my energy into a positive mindset of solution and recovery discovery.
https://bornrealist.com/strong-people/

2. Duration
Duration of anger and pain is how long you want to ruminate and keep hurting yourself and others.
keeping anger and pain active does not help in any way to solve the subject matter.
Life is short. I would not want to waste any more time on negative energy

3. expectations
we all expect things to happen in a certain way, towards a certain outcome.
but you and I are different people, hence our expectation can never be identical.
but it can be aligned
if both sees it as a common goal.
the effort now is how to communicate and sell the goal. do not expect others, even your partner, to buy in as their title should. titles such as husband and wife are only titles. we always need to address the person and their personal needs too.

4. communication
instead of addressing the actions your wife has taken, consider deeper the motivations she is doing so.
perhaps your anger and resentment or esteem is making her unhappy to come home?
perhaps she is trying to find joy elsewhere ?
imagine your job is interesting and rewarding and you are the one being asked to come home early instead.
We are all individual humans with individual thoughts, feelings and intentions, not matter the agreements (such as marriage) we have made with others.
so talk to discover. find common ground. do not pass judgement.

5. help her help you win
a. start with love and compassion
how would you feel if she reaches out to you in anger and resentment first?
you would naturally respond defensively
b. give her the encouragement and incentives to help you
c. motivate positively
d. partake in her activities.
show her you support her by being involved in her volunteering work

 

[jberg]

Reboot Day 36
I?ve been crying for the past hour, reading and re-reading the last post here, overwhelmed with gratitude, mystified by the grace of the Divine that resides in the human heart. I don?t know who TakeActionNow is, where he acquired his depth of knowledge of human emotions, and why he freely shares his insights with strangers.

I do know that I almost didn?t post that message yesterday detailing my dilemma, because I was a little fearful of looking foolish, and I was certain that nothing good would come of it.  I only did it in sheer desperation, a sort of waving the white flag of surrender to the truth of where I stand.

I am utterly amazed that so much of TakeActionNow?s advice is directly applicable to me right now.  The last sentence is the real kicker ?show her you support her by being involved in her volunteering work.?  This is the EXACT OPPOSITE of what I wanted to hear, but I am certain that this is the right approach?when I picture myself doing it, I feel a joyous freedom.  Yesterday, when thinking about how to stop my wife from doing all this volunteer work, I felt a deep sense of frustration and anger.

I?m going to take this as an answer to my prayer, and resolve to have the determination to carry out these indicated actions.  God willing, as I implement these actions, it will be made clear to me which ones are helpful to my recovery and which ones are not.
Thank you, TakeActionNow.  May God bless you and all of those who read or contribute to this website!

 

[TakeActionNow]

J,
You are a kind and beautiful person with a loving heart.
To give love is to receive love.
To make others happy is to make ourself happy.
To give help is to receive help.

You are doing very well and will keep getting better.
Take care my friend

 

[jberg]

Reboot Day 49
The things I have learned here have now been part of my daily practice for a few weeks, and I experiencing serenity more often than not.  I feel a shift in my attitude toward my wife and my son. Acceptance and gratitude are replacing judgment and frustration.

One time, about a week ago, I did get angry with my wife, and I blamed her for my son's behavior.  About an hour later, I made amends to her and acknowledged her positive intentions for what she was doing for our son.  One other time, I got angry, but this time I walked away, drank some water, deadheaded the flowers in the garden, and then returned to the situation calmer and clearer thinking.  Twice in two weeks, instead of 2 or 3 times a day is a significant improvement.  But more importantly, anger and frustration had previously always been just below the surface, but now they seem more distant.  I am starting to feels tenderness and compassion instead.

Finally, two days ago, my wife and I attempted to be intimate for the first time in 4 years.  I was somewhat nervous, and was unable to finish.  Nevertheless, it felt really good, and we have regained a loving and tender attitude toward each other that has been missing for the past 4 years.  I know things will continue to improve as long as I stay on this path.  Amazing that all this time I had been blaming my wife, if only she would change than everything would be fine.  As soon as I made simple but profound changes in myself, my attitude, everything is improving--including her!

"God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference!  Thy will, not mine, be done."

May Divine blessings descend on all of you who post in this forum--especially to TakeActionNow for sharing his knowledge, wisdom and timely advice.

 

[jberg]

Reboot Day 50
Yesterday, my son was having a tough afternoon, and at one point, he ran off.  I felt myself about to respond out of anger (as I have always done in the past).  I quickly recognized it and made a conscious decision to reject anger.  After saying "no" to anger, I recognized the fear that was behind it.  I was afraid that I would not be able to control my son.  Then I remembered that I am not in control of other people.  My job is not to control my son, but to be his guide, mentor, teacher.  If I respond with anger, I teach him to get angry.  If I respond with compassion, I teach him to be compassionate.  Once I composed myself, it was amazing how quickly he calmed down and did what he was supposed to do.  This seems very simple, and yet it is impossible for me to do this when I'm using PMO or any form of P.  How are the two connected?  I don't know.  All I can say for sure is that, after 40+ years of trying, it is impossible for me to be the person I want to be if I'm using P or PMO.

 

[jberg]

Reboot Day 54
Yesterday morning, before a meeting with my community association board, I did my daily framework as I have done every day since a few days after the start of my reboot (see the message of August 11th above).  Yesterday, I committed to being compassionate rather than judging them harshly for not thinking the way I think.
In the past, these meetings have been contentious, and have left me feeling extremely frustrated.  Yesterday, everything went smoothly, and everyone seemed to be much better--all because I changed my attitude?  What does that tell me about who was one causing the trouble?  For years, I've been blaming all the "incompetent" people around me.  As soon as I changed my attitude to one of humble compassion instead of condemning judgement, they suddenly are able to function effectively?  I give up P and MO just for today, not for some long-term future reward, but because today I can be the person I want to be only if my mind is not a slave to P and MO.