We will comprehend the word serenity and we will know peace
- Thread starter jberg
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jberg
Active Member
Great to hear from you!! I went off the rails again--but, evidenced by the fact that I'm posting here, I guess I doing better!
jberg
Active Member
4th Reboot, Day 6
At the time of my last post (July 31, 2022) I was already past the point of no return. I had drifted for so long and was so remote from my true connection, that there was little chance that anything would stop me from trying to use the false connection to fill the vast emptiness in my soul--or, more accurately, to medicate the pain of that remoteness. And that medication works extremely well as a short term fix--otherwise, none of us would use it. However, we all know that taking morphine does not actually restore health.
For me, the first post after a slip is always the hardest. This time, I contemplated starting a new thread so that you all would not know that I slipped again. So that I can make myself look better. But trying to look good is part of the problem, and has no place in the solution. I have to be exactly who I am with this forum; otherwise, how can I be true to myself, to my wife, and to my Higher Power? So here am I, once again.
At the time of my last post (July 31, 2022) I was already past the point of no return. I had drifted for so long and was so remote from my true connection, that there was little chance that anything would stop me from trying to use the false connection to fill the vast emptiness in my soul--or, more accurately, to medicate the pain of that remoteness. And that medication works extremely well as a short term fix--otherwise, none of us would use it. However, we all know that taking morphine does not actually restore health.
For me, the first post after a slip is always the hardest. This time, I contemplated starting a new thread so that you all would not know that I slipped again. So that I can make myself look better. But trying to look good is part of the problem, and has no place in the solution. I have to be exactly who I am with this forum; otherwise, how can I be true to myself, to my wife, and to my Higher Power? So here am I, once again.
jberg
Active Member
4th Reboot, Day 8
For the last couple of days, I had the thought that this is my "last chance" to binge on my drug one last time before stopping forever and becoming the person I want to be. However, I have already done that hundreds of times in the past. I would binge to the point that I was so sick of PMO and so filled with shame, anger, guilt, self-hatred, remorse, emptiness, and pain that I could now stop PMO. But I was stopping because I was repelled by the guilt and pain, not as a conscious choice to chose the real connection over the false one.
So, in reality this is a "last chance," not to binge, but to make a conscious choice to pass beyond the narrow retreats of my selfish mind, and advance into the vast immensity of the realm of truth.
For the last couple of days, I had the thought that this is my "last chance" to binge on my drug one last time before stopping forever and becoming the person I want to be. However, I have already done that hundreds of times in the past. I would binge to the point that I was so sick of PMO and so filled with shame, anger, guilt, self-hatred, remorse, emptiness, and pain that I could now stop PMO. But I was stopping because I was repelled by the guilt and pain, not as a conscious choice to chose the real connection over the false one.
So, in reality this is a "last chance," not to binge, but to make a conscious choice to pass beyond the narrow retreats of my selfish mind, and advance into the vast immensity of the realm of truth.
jberg
Active Member
4th Reboot, Day 9
I'm at a loss for how to reconnect with my wife. She is filled with resentment and fear over my past anger issues. And I am filled with resentment over her resentment! Right now, I can fill reams of paper making a list of things she does that annoy me. I would only need a post-it note to list the things I LOVE about her. We are living like roommates who also have to raise two kids, one of them an autistic teenager. Right now, he is here abusing himself, so I have to stop writing now and attend to him. Please keep me in your prayers.
I'm at a loss for how to reconnect with my wife. She is filled with resentment and fear over my past anger issues. And I am filled with resentment over her resentment! Right now, I can fill reams of paper making a list of things she does that annoy me. I would only need a post-it note to list the things I LOVE about her. We are living like roommates who also have to raise two kids, one of them an autistic teenager. Right now, he is here abusing himself, so I have to stop writing now and attend to him. Please keep me in your prayers.
jberg
Active Member
I think in this post I was doing more dumping instead of sharing--sorry about that! That being said, thanks for the suggestion. We have done a little marriage counselling, which did help. But the process got interrupted. We need to pick it up again. In the meantime, I'm going to get out that post-it note and focus on that!! It's impossible to love a person when I'm looking at their flaws. I'm always amazed that when I chose to chose to focus on her strengths they seem to multiply!
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jberg
Active Member
4th Reboot, Day 29
For the past few weeks I've been on a spiritual/emotional/mental renewal that has done no less than cleanse my heart and refresh my soul. A few practical shifts have taken place. For example, when my wife is struggling to hold it together, I chose to empathize with her (instead of reacting with judgement, frustration, anger, or resentment). When my teenage son makes poor decisions or doesn't do what he is told, I chose to understand him--he's a teenager! (instead of reacting with anger, fear for his future, frustration, or self-judgement that I'm a weak and ineffective father). So far, I can't say that I miss getting angry or frustrated. Looking back at my life, I can't think of a situation where I've thought, "I'm so glad that I got super angry--that was really helpful!" In fact, it seems that usually the opposite was true. Up to now,reacting with choosing anger, frustration, judgement, fear, or self-loathing had not been very effective for me. Choosing to respond with compassion, empathy, and patience seems to be working better. I'm going to stick with these choices for a while, and if it doesn't work out, I can always go back to anger, fear, judgement, shame, and self-loathing. I'll let you know how it goes.
For the past few weeks I've been on a spiritual/emotional/mental renewal that has done no less than cleanse my heart and refresh my soul. A few practical shifts have taken place. For example, when my wife is struggling to hold it together, I chose to empathize with her (instead of reacting with judgement, frustration, anger, or resentment). When my teenage son makes poor decisions or doesn't do what he is told, I chose to understand him--he's a teenager! (instead of reacting with anger, fear for his future, frustration, or self-judgement that I'm a weak and ineffective father). So far, I can't say that I miss getting angry or frustrated. Looking back at my life, I can't think of a situation where I've thought, "I'm so glad that I got super angry--that was really helpful!" In fact, it seems that usually the opposite was true. Up to now,
“Between stimulus and response there is a space. In that space is our power to choose our response. In our response lies our growth and our freedom.”
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jberg
Active Member
4th Reboot, Day 63
So far, choosing compassion and empathy seems to be working out. I don't miss the anger and the inevitable self-loathing that follows. Previously, I allowed my mind to be hi-jacked by anger to cover the fear of not being in control (of my son, my wife, my coworker, or even a random driver on the road). Now I find that facing that fear directly (which sometimes requires naming it out loud to myself) is not as scary as it seems. Once I shine a light on it, I see that it is not such a big monster, after all. In fact, it turns out to be just an enlarged shadow of my puny imagination that I am in control of outcomes. That shadow disappears when I turn on the light and look at it directly with the firm knowledge that the only thing I control are my own reactions. And facing that fear is much less painful than dealing with the fallout of my anger and isolation. So far, I have yet to look back on any situation in the past 63 days and said, "Things would have really worked out better if I had lost my temper, or flew into a fit of internal rage at that moment." But it's only been 63 days. I'll keep you all updated.
So far, choosing compassion and empathy seems to be working out. I don't miss the anger and the inevitable self-loathing that follows. Previously, I allowed my mind to be hi-jacked by anger to cover the fear of not being in control (of my son, my wife, my coworker, or even a random driver on the road). Now I find that facing that fear directly (which sometimes requires naming it out loud to myself) is not as scary as it seems. Once I shine a light on it, I see that it is not such a big monster, after all. In fact, it turns out to be just an enlarged shadow of my puny imagination that I am in control of outcomes. That shadow disappears when I turn on the light and look at it directly with the firm knowledge that the only thing I control are my own reactions. And facing that fear is much less painful than dealing with the fallout of my anger and isolation. So far, I have yet to look back on any situation in the past 63 days and said, "Things would have really worked out better if I had lost my temper, or flew into a fit of internal rage at that moment." But it's only been 63 days. I'll keep you all updated.
jberg
Active Member
4th Reboot, Day 69
I'm starting to get a clearer picture of how I used to find myself in a position where I had no other choice but to PMO. After a major bender, I usually swore of PMO and P all together for a while. After some time, I would suddenly find myself right back there and wonder how it happened. I'm discovering that the seed for PMO was planted in my brain long before sitting in front of a computer looking at images. I think it happened gradually over time, and here is an example of how that happened for me. The woman who cleans our offices does not dress in an unusually provocative manner, but it nevertheless attracts my attention. I always interpreted her smile to mean that she knows she is attracting my attention and she likes it. Over the past few weeks, I've been focusing on thinking about her as a human being with a heart and a soul--she is somebody's sister, wife, mother or daughter. I now see her differently. She is an immigrant who does not speak the language here. I now see her smile as an attempt to be friendly in a somewhat cold and sterile work environment. The reality is that I don't think she even notices me apart from the mass of humanity that work here. For so many years I have trained my mind to sexualize and objectify women that I have distorted reality. As long as I'm living in this distorted reality, I will always return to PMO. For now, it takes daily effort to keep my thoughts grounded in reality, to make a genuine soul-to-soul connection to all who may cross my path, and to strive to be of service in my work place. After practicing this daily effort for a while, it may come naturally like it does for other people. But in the meantime, if it turns out that I need to do this for as long as I had been training my mind with PMO, then so be it. I'm not doing this for some imagined long-term benefit. When I'm grounded in reality, I feel better right now. When I pass beyond the narrow retreats of my own mind, and advance into the vast immensity of truth, I feel joyous and free. Right now.
I'm starting to get a clearer picture of how I used to find myself in a position where I had no other choice but to PMO. After a major bender, I usually swore of PMO and P all together for a while. After some time, I would suddenly find myself right back there and wonder how it happened. I'm discovering that the seed for PMO was planted in my brain long before sitting in front of a computer looking at images. I think it happened gradually over time, and here is an example of how that happened for me. The woman who cleans our offices does not dress in an unusually provocative manner, but it nevertheless attracts my attention. I always interpreted her smile to mean that she knows she is attracting my attention and she likes it. Over the past few weeks, I've been focusing on thinking about her as a human being with a heart and a soul--she is somebody's sister, wife, mother or daughter. I now see her differently. She is an immigrant who does not speak the language here. I now see her smile as an attempt to be friendly in a somewhat cold and sterile work environment. The reality is that I don't think she even notices me apart from the mass of humanity that work here. For so many years I have trained my mind to sexualize and objectify women that I have distorted reality. As long as I'm living in this distorted reality, I will always return to PMO. For now, it takes daily effort to keep my thoughts grounded in reality, to make a genuine soul-to-soul connection to all who may cross my path, and to strive to be of service in my work place. After practicing this daily effort for a while, it may come naturally like it does for other people. But in the meantime, if it turns out that I need to do this for as long as I had been training my mind with PMO, then so be it. I'm not doing this for some imagined long-term benefit. When I'm grounded in reality, I feel better right now. When I pass beyond the narrow retreats of my own mind, and advance into the vast immensity of truth, I feel joyous and free. Right now.
jberg
Active Member
4th Reboot, Day 70
Yesterday, about 7 hours after posting that am making a daily effort stay grounded in reality, a bit of a different reality crossed my path. It was woman dressed in an extremely provocative manner and obviously looking for attention. I felt the immediate rush. I was about to start staring, but instead I stopped and turned around, closed my eyes, put my hand to my head in an "I'm thinking" pose and paused momentarily. This was literally that moment between stimulus and response. I definitely felt the stimulus. What was going to be my response? I asked myself, am I going to let this person's disfunction disrupt my equilibrium? Am I going to hand my power over to her? I thought of the line in the 12 steps of SA "Lusting after the ‘Big Fix’ we gave away our power to others." Also, is she objectifying herself because she has low self-esteem? Was she emotionally or physically abused as a child? Maybe this is the only way she knows how to present in the world? Whatever the case may be, does she not deserve to be treated like a child of an all-loving creator? Even if she is debasing herself now, she was created noble. Does she not deserve the same genuine connection that I vow to make with all who cross my path? And do I have the capacity right now to treat her with the respect that we both deserve? At that moment, I chose empathy instead of objectification. I opened my eyes, turned around and handed her the papers, taking care to only look her in the eye. Cognizant of my limited capacity at that moment, I quickly exited the scene. Thanks to you all for helping me to survive this test of my resolve to stay grounded in reality.
Yesterday, about 7 hours after posting that am making a daily effort stay grounded in reality, a bit of a different reality crossed my path. It was woman dressed in an extremely provocative manner and obviously looking for attention. I felt the immediate rush. I was about to start staring, but instead I stopped and turned around, closed my eyes, put my hand to my head in an "I'm thinking" pose and paused momentarily. This was literally that moment between stimulus and response. I definitely felt the stimulus. What was going to be my response? I asked myself, am I going to let this person's disfunction disrupt my equilibrium? Am I going to hand my power over to her? I thought of the line in the 12 steps of SA "Lusting after the ‘Big Fix’ we gave away our power to others." Also, is she objectifying herself because she has low self-esteem? Was she emotionally or physically abused as a child? Maybe this is the only way she knows how to present in the world? Whatever the case may be, does she not deserve to be treated like a child of an all-loving creator? Even if she is debasing herself now, she was created noble. Does she not deserve the same genuine connection that I vow to make with all who cross my path? And do I have the capacity right now to treat her with the respect that we both deserve? At that moment, I chose empathy instead of objectification. I opened my eyes, turned around and handed her the papers, taking care to only look her in the eye. Cognizant of my limited capacity at that moment, I quickly exited the scene. Thanks to you all for helping me to survive this test of my resolve to stay grounded in reality.
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jberg
Active Member
4th Reboot, Day 71
I'm feeling relatively calm today compared to how I would have felt in the past. No desire to escape reality by medicating with p**n-induced dopamine release. I credit this to participating in this forum, trying to stay grounded in reality, and making a daily connection to a higher power.
I'm feeling relatively calm today compared to how I would have felt in the past. No desire to escape reality by medicating with p**n-induced dopamine release. I credit this to participating in this forum, trying to stay grounded in reality, and making a daily connection to a higher power.
Qwertyxyz
Active Member
I really like this post, while I am respectful I don’t think I realised how much I project and objectify. I often felt a sense of jealousy at attractive women but didn’t reflect on what’s really happening for them.
Actually I remember first look at porn magazines and feeling off, like I couldn’t tell if the women really wanted to do what they were doing or just acting out of an unhealthy compulsion. That radar faded when I found internet porn. Not a good thing.