We will comprehend the word serenity and we will know peace

Rico

Member
My goodness,
This a success story of HUGE NOTE! I congratulate you and wish you so much joy and happiness along your reboot road and it gives me so much strength and hope for myself and my own battle.
Thanks a million to all that have contributed.
 

lyon03

Respected Member
Well done! I agree 100% that we can only change ourselves and our perceptions. And I think you did just that at your last meeting. There was a time that I believed I couldn't survive without pornography. The last day I believed that was October 29th, 2014. Keep going and keep sharing my friend. PORN IS NOT AN OPTION.
 

jberg

Active Member
Reboot Day 79
First let me say thanks for the encouragement (lyon03 and Rico)!  I really appreciate it!
Today, I have no desire to use P.  I never thought I'd be able to write those words, but it feels true for now.  That might change tomorrow, but for today, that is how I feel. 
What I am working on today is how I look at women in public.  I am trying to change my habit of looking below the neck.  I want to develop the habit of thinking about each woman who crosses my path as a human being, with a heart and soul.  I have heard several women (including my own wife) say that they are strongly repulsed at the idea of a man other than her husband looking at them and thinking about sex.  I believe that this is the norm among women, and by taking this to heart, I am slowly changing the perverted thinking that I have become accustomed to.  This is helping me to have more normal interactions with my female coworkers and neighbors.
Thanks for reading!
 

jberg

Active Member
Reboot Day 90
Finally free of the slavery to P, I am only now starting to see what devastation is left in its wake.  Decades shot. Countless hours, days, and months spent hardwiring my own brain for failure. These are self-inflicted wounds.  So, sick and tired of being sick and tired, I've finally surrendered enough to cast off the tyranny of P.  The day for me to prove my mettle is today. Not lusting, not using P, no more PMO, not M, not, not, not is just not going to be enough.  Today, after the anger and frustration have subsided, the only way for me to continue to say "no" is if there is a much bigger "YES" living inside of me.

I am discovering that the YES to intimacy and true union with others is stronger than any "no". YES to not being God, and YES to being an imperfect human being is more joyous than any "no".  The more often I say YES to life, to reality--messy, imperfect reality--to love, to service, and to humility, the less often I need to say no to P.

I am not by any means a bible totter, but there is one story that comes to my mind now, a passage which I recall reading in my childhood, but never understood, until now.
"When an unclean spirit comes out of a man, it passes through arid places seeking rest and does not find it. Then it says, ?I will return to the house I left.? On its return, it finds the house swept clean and put in order. Then it goes and brings seven other spirits more evil than itself, and they go in and dwell there. And the final plight of that man is worse than the first.?
Just saying "no" to P will, in the long run, just leave me with an empty heart, with no fire in the belly.  I begin filling my heart with love--love of God, love to and from my dear wife and children, love of my fellows--leaving no room for the demons of fear, lust, and anger to take root.  For if they do visit, they don't stay very long; for they find this place too crowded with those that they don't like to mingle with.
 

jberg

Active Member
Reboot Day 101
While a slave to P, I knew it was making me miserable, but I never knew how far-reaching its devastation was.  I always thought I could handle P and keep its effects isolated.  Now that I have been living without it for this relatively short time (101 days compared to 13,870 days I've spent a slave to it) I see that it had severly impacted many seeming unrelated parts of my life.  Tension between my wife and all is all but vanished.  I am patient with my children.  I am able to focus at work and am free from anxiety and fear of my boss.  I've always known that obsessively using P was not helpful, but I always thought I could use P at night, but then go back to a normal life during the day.  The belief that this is possible is very persistent.  However, I've tried it that way for 38 years without success.  The cost of using P far outweighs the benefit.  The benefit of P was that it provides a temporary escape from reality by producing a chemical release inside my brain.  I have to acknowledge this benefit, and see that it is far outweighed by the cost of using P in order to stay free of its tyranny.
 

TakeActionNow

Respected Member
Yes J,
P is a weird thing: it makes us care less about what is important to us, and care more about what isnt. which makes sense, because while our brain learns through repeated behavior, and through PMO we are now taught to seek external validation for our worth, instead of internal validation through self acknowledgement.

Partner and family "belongs" to us (internally) so they get the blunt of our rejection.
People outside of us (external) get far more attention than they deserve. Our worth is now dependent on their acceptance and endorsement. Its a terrible way to live.

So in that way, P is no different to drugs or gambling.
Families and self are no longer important. Internet and pretty or powerful people are like drug dealers or casinos. We give them far too much credit then they are worth, because we hope to get from them some sense of self validation.

Coming out of P, rather than being dependent on external material as our feel good factor, we now look inwards to discover what is really important to us, and take active steps to accomplish them.

That's real self connection, and this self fulfillment delivers immense self confidence. Something external validation can never provide.

101 days!?!
that's awesome !
keep writing about the new you, and the discoveries of the new you !
forget the old ways. they are not important any more.
The newer better you is all that matters. We must keep and remember what is worth keeping !
 

jberg

Active Member
Reboot Day 106
Yesterday, out of the blue, I started thinking about using P.  I tried hard to find a reason as to why on that day, my mind would consider that as an option, but I could find nothing unusual about the day.  This may be akin to the mystery of why the alcoholic takes that first drink.  Then, as I lay down to sleep, I saw my mind starting to select a memory from the past to re-live, almost like picking a video to watch.  I had to consciously and deliberately switched gears.  It is part of my morning practice to identify possible acting out scenarios and to come up with a plan of what I would do to avoid it.  Some time ago I thought about this very scenario, and decided back then that I would, instead of replaying the tape in my head, picture myself actually accomplishing a positive goal or being the person that I am trying to become.  I lie there imaging myself watching very patiently while my son did all the things he does that usually get me angry.  As I watched myself watching him, I felt a deep sense of compassion for him.  It seems that this is a significant step forward.  I've not only avoided conditioning my brain with poisonous images and memories, but I've replaced that activity with one of positive reinforcement.  So, although I still cannot answer the question about why I want to take that first drink, the act of trying to avoid it has propelled me to take one small step in a positive direction.  If each day is just one step, then the journey of my life in the end will consist of 30,000 such steps.
 
Hey buddy, I am in AA have beeen for 26 years. If i don't go to a meeting a day the Porn Demon will have its wahy with me. I know this because I have a Porn Free Sobriety Date as well as a sober date. I am at just about 11 months now with the Porn. and it is onlhy because in Dec. I hit a f'ing huge bottom the likes of which I can't soon forget. Porn has been the "biggest elephant in the room" for a long time. My wife tlod me she will divorce me if i ever use it again. I have a Dumb phone, I am on this site now because I was on this very laptop and I got the idea of going to a porn site...why? because I'm suppossed to be at an AA meeting right now but I chose not to go. Porn is powerful but it can be handled.......one day a t a time by me connecting with others. How many times have I used Porn with other real people around?  ZERO  that tells me something....the bastard Porns wants me alone,  by the way being alone is a trigger but that has gotten easier over time. Thanks for listening. I need to keep going to meetings. AA isn't about alcohol, its about getting me closer to people so I can get closer to God as i percieve him. I pray to a God who loves me. I don't pray to any human, and praying to this God WORKS for me
 

TakeActionNow

Respected Member
you've come a long way J !

You take that first drink because of habit.
Nothing more.

Some quick reminders :
1. use positive mantras frequently and obsessively
"I'm the best"
"i feel great"
"come on!"
Crowd out any negative thoughts with mantras and positive thoughts.

2. Fill head with positive thoughts only.
Keep on cycling through your head wonderful things that happen to you every day
focus only on the good, and things you have usually taken granted for, especially your family.

3. keep in your mind goals and ambition like
what am i going to do tomorrow?
what am i going to do this weekend
what would my family like to do
what little thing can i do to make them happy
what little thing can i do to put a smile on their faces?

I went running this morning.
I set a goal of 4k in 4k back
a goal of no walking
when i hit my first goal 4k and touched the gate i was really happy
i did it in 25 min
i told myself to try and make it back by 50 min
i made it back and touched the lift lobby in 49:45
wow I'm feeling super !
All along the way i was mantra chanting
"i'm the best"
Its 830am now and I'm already feeling top of the world.

What I am saying is :
when you have something else to focus on, your old ways and habit will no longer be your central focus. And it becomes easier and easier to leave and ignore them.

You're doing great my friend.
laugh and smile everyday !
It's great to be alive when the brain has nothing but positivity !
 

jberg

Active Member
Reboot Day 107
Thank you, Andrew Carendon and TakeActionNow for your feedback.  Focus on the positive, fellowship with others, go to meetings, and stay connected to my Higher Power--all things I need to hear right now!
 

jberg

Active Member
Reboot Day 191
I feel like I have my life back--no, it's more like, I feel like I have a life!
A few weeks ago, I was so angry at my son and my wife over an incident, that I decided to shut them out forever.  The next morning, I made a phone call, wrote a 4th step, and focused on my part. During the writing, it became clear that I was using anger to cover up the shame I was feeling at having made  mistake. I accept my mistake, acknowledge that I'm not perfect, and join the human race.  Then I was able to move to compassion, gratefulness and love for my family.  This restores my serenity, and brings joy.
On Monday of this week, I was turned down for a promotion, and they gave it to a very young person who does not have the education degrees that I have.  I started to feel anger, jealousy, regret, and shame.
I did a mental 4th step, and moved to acceptance. I see that I really have not been doing my best here at work, while the one who did get the job is a very hard worker, and really deserved the job.  I, too, would have hired her. I now see this as an opportunity to change my game at work.  I can't tell you how happy I truly feel about this, and was able to welcome her as my boss with a sincerely positive attitude.
NONE of this was possible in the days when p**n was still an option for me.
T H A N K  Y O U  A L L  for showing me how to do this!
 

marco_60

Active Member
Hi JB: your story is a great source of inspiration for me. I am 57, divorced, and only in my reboot day 28. It is a great encouragement for me to see that you succeeded  :)!
 

jberg

Active Member
Reboot Day 268
Hello Folks,
Today I was in the grocery store and my radar was on (if you know what I mean).  I was staring a bit too long, and a couple of times I thought about whipping the cart around to follow someone.  I had to remind myself that these ladies don't want my attention.  What they seek is the attention of their husbands, just like my wife is desirous of my attention.  Which reminded me that what I really desire in my heart of hearts is to make a truly intimate and deeply powerful connection with another human being. Heart to heart. Soul to soul.  Who is the one capable of connecting with me at that level?  Not a stranger in the grocery store, or in a chat room, or in the club.
When I came home I decided to write about why I was feeling so dysregulated today?  I recalled that I have been procrastinating again at work this week (avoiding an un-preferred task), and that I was embarrassed in front of my boss in another situation that I stepped into.  This was a wake-up call that it was not a quick fix that I signed up for 268 days ago, so that I can return to my old ways.  Rather, this is new road that I am walking whose sign-posts are integrity with myself, and honesty with others.  When encountering an emotion, I don?t have to annihilate it with a dopamine bomb.  I can walk through it to the other side to receive the powerful message it is delivering. 
The procrastination is from fear of making a mistake.  If I simply acknowledge the fear with acceptance and understanding, then I can see that it is trying to tell me to do good work.  Now I can proceed with care and ask for assistance.  Without acknowledging and accepting the fear, I stay stuck in procrastination.
You get the idea.  Making the real connection with a real person instead of dopamine bombing my true feelings helps me to get out of my head, to get un-stuck in fantasy.  I can comprehend the word serenity and know peace.  In other words: No integrity, no peace!  Know integrity, know peace.
 

jberg

Active Member
Reboot Day 365
You've heard it said before: This program REALLY works (but only if I work it!).
I had a job interview for a promotion coming up in a few days.  Every night I planned to do the TON of reading I needed to do to prepare for the interview, but procrastinate instead, and stay up late watching old TV reruns!  My wife and kids are away for two weeks. I'm home alone, frustrated, fearful, and now angry.  I am very tempted to go to the chat room to take a few hits on lust, get high on dopamine, and escape my current reality.  Each day this happens, the temptation to escape gets stronger.  In the past, the only way I knew how to be free of it was to do it; to complete the cycle of acting out, followed by shame, regret, and remorse.  This time, I was able to get out of bed, 10 minutes in prayer (remembering to stay around long enough for the meditation that follows), and make a few phone calls to others in this program of recovery.

The job interview went well.  I have no regrets.  I don't control the outcome. I now pray for the willingness to accept the outcome with the confidence that my higher power knows what is best for me.  Every time this program works when I work it, is like taking another blow at the wall that separates me from all that my Higher Power has in store for me. I built that wall one brick at at time.  Now am tearing it down with each surrender, each phone call, every positive action that I take.
 

jberg

Active Member
2nd Reboot Day 152
After a relatively successful reboot, I stopped working this program (for a variety of reasons excuses) but I probably thought I was "cured" and no longer needed to work these steps.  Sounds like a man who ate so healthy for an entire year, that he decided that he didn't need food any longer.  After only a day he immediately felt hunger pains, and got angry and God--"But I ate so well for an entire year, can't you just let me take one day to myself!"  If I stop imbibing the soul-nourishing spiritual food (admitting my faults, bring myself to account daily, prayer, meditation, service to my fellow addicts), then I get spiritual hunger pains.  And the 50-year-old habit of filling them with lust is the most familiar and trusted response. But it doesn't work.  Just as it hadn't worked for the past 50 years.  So, I started anew, and here am I on day 152 of my second reboot.
 

jberg

Active Member
3rd Reboot, Day 12
What's on my mind now is this. How much time do I really have left on this earthly plane? Do I really want to waste it wrapped inside my own head, or do I want to expend the precious time here connecting with my wife, my children, and a power greater than my self. My relapse happened by being neglectful over time. Letting the false connections into my psyche one drink (look) at a time. I had stopped my morning and evening prayer/meditation so now my rudderless heart became became susceptible to fear (and fear's B-side known as anger), resentment, and jealousy making it impossible to love my wife. A loveless empty heart eventually wants to attach to something, so I turned to a well-practiced habit to medicate and feel a connection, even if though it is a false connection.

As a former backpacker, I like hiking analogies. So right now, instead of lamenting about how much farther along the path I could have been were it not for this unfortunate 3-year detour, I hope to get back on the path, to enjoy the hike one step at a time. Or, as those in recovery say, "trudge the road of happy destiny."
 
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og123xx

Member
3rd Reboot Day 12
What's on my mind now is this. How much time do I really have left on this earthly plane? Do I really want to waste it wrapped inside my own head, or do I want to expend the precious time here connecting with my wife, my children, and a power greater than my self. My relapse happened by being neglectful over time. Letting the false connections into my psyche one drink (look) at a time. I had stopped my morning and evening prayer/meditation so now my rudderless heart became became susceptible to fear (and fear's B-side known as anger), resentment, and jealousy making it impossible to love my wife. A loveless empty heart eventually wants to attach to something, so I turned to a well-practiced habit to medicate and feel a connection, even if though it is a false connection.

As a former backpacker, I like hiking analogies. So right now, instead of lamenting about how much farther along the path I could have been were it not for this unfortunate 3-year detour, I hope to get back on the path, to enjoy the hike one step at a time. Or, as those in recovery say, "trudge the road of happy destiny."
Hi man, I'm a newcomer to this space. I read your intro and thought I'd give you a message! The work you've done on yourself such as therapy and 12 step programs is really good.
I think you already know that it is futile lamenting about what you haven't done and any regrets. The best is to move on and get back on track as you have already done.
Keep us posted on your progress as its always helpful to get words of encouragement from the community, I guess we all need a bit of help sometimes - I certainly do
 

jberg

Active Member
Keep us posted on your progress as its always helpful to get words of encouragement from the community, I guess we all need a bit of help sometimes - I certainly do
og123, thanks for your encouragement. I will keep posting my progress (or lack of progress, whenever that happens) and staying connected.
 

jberg

Active Member
3rd Reboot, Day 13
I have learned over time that, for me, the anatomy of a relapse is longer than a day. This means that I am not fine one day, and relapse the next. It happens over time. And there is not one single thing that will keep me from relapsing, but there are a few key ingredients.
  • Absolute truthfulness with this (or another similar) group
  • Daily emotional connection with my wife
  • Daily connection with a Power greater than myself
  • Daily service to others in this (or another similar) group
If any one of these start falling away, the others start to disappear, and soon I want to make the false connection to fill the void. So let me now take a personal inventory of the day:
Last night, I skipped prayers and went straight to bed. This morning I did the same. Last night I felt sorry that I deleted my account on the usual site I have been using for the past few years, and wished I had just one more binge.

DISCLAIMER: Since I barely know what is good for myself, I would never claim to know what is good for someone else. I find it helps me to read other peoples experiences, and to know that I am not alone. I am sharing my experience in that vein.
 
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