No One Really Knows

[Paneran87]

I'm feeling lost today. Lost and hopeless. I'm a 'serial relapser'. On average, I can avoid pornography for a week. Then, without even putting up a fight, I'll relapse. My longest stretch was 20 days, while my worst was 3 times in the same 24-hour period. I've had conviction and motivation. Both of which go out the window when my brain needs a fix.
It's not that no one knows I've had a problem with pornography. When I was a teen, my dad caught me. We talked about it, but I was so worried about disappointing him that I lied about how long I had been viewing it. He's caught me viewing it three times over the years, and each time I've lied about it. I've never denied it, but I've always downplayed it.
I'm constantly downplaying the issue. My friends can tell I'm fine when I'm not viewing it, but when I've relapsed they can tell something's wrong. I can't hide how it affects me. Of all my friends, only one knows that I've viewed it. I openly told him. But he thinks I stopped a long time ago. If he knew, if ANYONE knew, I'd be devastated. Honestly, though, probably not as much as they would be.
I have great friends who care a lot about me. I feel like I'm constantly letting them down without even giving them the chance to help.
I can't keep lying to the people I care about. I'm 30, and I'm on day 1.

 

[Paneran87]

I have low self worth. Viewing pornography keeps it low. It's release of dopamine makes me believe that I'll be happy after viewing it, even if that high lasts 1 minute after an orgasm. I'm usually filled with regret immediately after and my brain wants me to find a way to be happy again which leads me into a downward spiral.
Earlier this year I was in a weight loss competition. I was so focused on meeting my goal that I didn't even think about pornography. It wasn't even on my mind! I went 20 days without a relapse and when I did, I felt like I got hit with a ton of bricks. Not all at once, though. I felt good about my accomplishment but after one relapse another soon followed. I had such disgust with myself, that even losing weight didn't matter anymore.
I've never been good at keeping goals. I'm so motivated in the beginning but I usually lose steam as time goes on. I sometimes think I enjoy making the goal more than achieving it. For me to be successful, however, I believe that I need to set smaller goals and progress from there. And I need to be ok with my one-week achievements because it could be worse.
When I was eating better and staying active I felt great. I was genuinely happier. That's the kind of high I want my brain on. That's the kind of high I could get used to.
Today is day two. 

 

[RealityCheck]

Haroun,

Thank you for sharing, I know it's not easy being vulnerable.

A few observations from reading your posts:

1. Telling yourself things like "I'm a serial relapser," "I've never been good at keeping goals," and "without putting up a fight, I'll relapse" will get in your way.  It's ok to recognize that's what you've done IN THE PAST, but that is not your future.  Your future starts now, you are progressing from the man you were before, so you need to stop the negative self talk to get what you want.  You WERE a serial relapse.  You WEREN"T good at keep goals.  The past is fucking prologue.  Your story starts now.

2. You've got some good attitudes mixed in as well.  "I was genuinely happier," "That's the kind fo high I could get used to."  Have these feelings in mind when you are moving towards your goals.  Positive motivation is more powerful than negative motivation. 

3.  Your observation about the weight loss competition is the key to your success.  When you are engaged, you won't resort to porn.  Staying engaged in positive, productive things will help you feel fulfilled and raise your self-worth, be it from volunteering, exercising, learning something new, or moving forward professionally. 

Good luck on Day 2, and keep fighting, because you are the best man now than you have ever been in the past.

 

[Paneran87]

Thank you, RealityCheck.
I appreciate the observation. If you met me in person you would never guess that I have all these negative feelings. The things I feel on the inside never materialize in front of others. On the outside I'm probably the most positive and encouraging person you could meet. But you're right, I need to be able to encourage myself throughout this process. I'll make the effort to be more positive.
I'm sorry for coming across so depressingly. I just needed to get those emotions out of me. It's nice knowing that someone is aware of how I'm feeling.

 

[Paneran87]

Since I can only accomplish a clean life through a series of small goals, I want to start by identifying my triggers.
I'm a very social person. I could hang out with friends every night of the week and most of the time I do. I used to think that the less I was alone, the less prone to viewing pornography I'd be. But that just leads to many late nights and early mornings. It's when I'm tired that I'm less likely to show self-control.
Sleep deprivation is definitely holding me back from successfully removing this poison from my life. My first goal is to be more balanced. Being with friends does reduce my chances, but only when I'm with them. If I'm overly tired because of that then I'm just setting myself up for failure. I need to understand that I'm not as young as I was and that I need adequate sleep in order to function at full capacity. By getting more rest I'll have more energy to fight off my addicted brain.
Today's going to be a struggle because last night was another late night. When I get home from work, I'm going to have to force myself to nap before I head back out for the evening. And when I get home at the end of the day, I'll need to put my phone away from me and go to sleep before I do something I'll regret.
Day 3 and I'm tired.

 

[Paneran87]

I did exactly what I needed to do. I took a nap when I got home and went to bed at a reasonable hour. Waking up refreshed and ready to conquer the world is exactly what I needed!
Day 4 feels easier.

 

[Andy9120]

Well done mate!  Day 4 sounds awesome!  I am on day one and am inspired by your strength.  I found it really helpful reading what you wrote.  Lets do this together. Thank you for sharing.

 

[Paneran87]

There are a few people who know that I've had this addiction. But I've led them to believe I've stopped. Today, one of those friends pulled me to the side and unexpectedly reminded me to keep up with the fight.
He confessed to me that he used to have a problem with pornography when he was a teenager. That was years ago. He told me that every once in a while something will catch his attention and those improper urges will cross his mind. He said that the fight gets easier with time, but it's still a fight. "Don't give up."
That type of personal interest really touched me. Turns out that there are people in my life who have fought with the same thing and succeeded. It's been such a struggle of mine for so long, but I'm never truly alone. I'm thankful for friends who think of me so randomly, and then share the exact encouragement I needed.
If you have the chance to encourage anyone, do it. Because it goes a long way!
Day 5 and feeling renewed.

 

[Andy9120]

Absolutely right. Let's work together and beat this. I can't wait to get to day 5 and beyond. Such a positive and transformative journey that we are on. I guess we have all taken the first step by admitting our problem.  Now let's work together and beat it.

It's so good you had that positive experience. I think things happen for a reason

 

[Paneran87]

I'm not 100% sure how to feel today.
Late last night, I was at my friends house and we were drinking. Her uncle passed away earlier in the morning and I was there to show the family that they weren't alone. Her dad was hanging out with us, and when they went to bed, him and I stayed up and talked. Probably because of the alcohol, he poured his heart out to me. It was nice knowing that he was comfortable enough with me to share things he's never told anyone. Nothing filthy or shocking, just things he had been dealing with emotionally and mentally for years. We were up until 4:30am talking and sharing stories. It was quite the experience, one I never thought I'd have.
I went to bed feeling needed. I felt that I could be looked to for guidance and support, and that I had done it well. I've struggled with issues of self-worth. Being able to candidly share with him how I've had my own struggles and what I've done/tried to do to help build my own self-confidence reminded me that I have come a long way from where I was when I had hit rock bottom. I went to bed parched and feeling good about myself.
Today, I got home and received some sad news of my own. Right now, I'm torn as to whether I should tell my sister or wait for her to return from vacation.
While building my self-confidence, it's interesting to notice how much I actually care what others think of me. I know I don't always make the best choices, but at some point I need to rely on my own conscience and not someone else's. From yesterday's shot in the arm to keep trying and then feeling so needed in the evening but then feeling so lost today? I'm feeling so drained, which is normally when my brain needs a fix. But I know that I need to take a deep breath and go to bed at a reasonable hour. If I'm going to make good choices my brain needs to be at 100% like it was two days ago.
Day 6 and struggling with my emotions.

 

[Andy9120]

It's a compliment when people feel able to talk to you candidly and honestly like that. I sometimes think that there is no greater compliment than someone thinking you are a good listener. You never know how much of an impact you have had on him. Day 6 sounds so good man well done. Keep up the good work and enjoy the feeling of your brain getting clearer and clearer. I am sure it will heal you make good choices!

 

[Paneran87]

The last two days have gone well. Not much of a fight has been needed.
Today after work I took an extremely long nap, which was needed after such a late night with friends the evening before. This evening went fine and I had no improper urge. Laying in bed, though, I realized it was late and that I was home alone. I don't have any real urge, but it's interesting now that I'm laying with my eyes closed that images are flashing. I'm not feeling anything still, other than the urge to share this moment.
These images have been so ingrained in my mind, that even when I'm going to bed that they'll flash by. Tonight's struggle isn't to avoid pornography. Instead it's to fight these images without allowing them to turn into online videos and pictures. And I'm sharing this to remind myself that I'm not alone in this struggle. That there are so many others who fight this and that I can be successful like them.
Today was day 8 and I'm going to be fine.

 

[TakeActionNow]

Hi Haroun,

Hope I can give you some helpful advice.

You have brought up some very good points.
Your low self esteem stems from things you dont feel good about yourself.
Whatever they are, you need not be ashamed. You are human and full of flaws. that's true for all of us. we are not expected to be perfect. we can never be.
To release yourself from the chains of guilt and regret is to be completely honest with yourself.
whatever flaws you think you have, be open about them, not in shame, but that you are human and it is natural to have flaws.
be proud about your mistakes, flaws and failings.
they show that you have gone through thought and challenges.
we are never measured by our successes. we are measured by what we have gone through.
those who outwardly look complete with no flaws are people with much to hide.
those with scars that they show know what they have gone through and have nothing to hide or fear.
when you can place your flaws and achievements side by side and be proud of both of them, you will become one really incredible person.

I suck at ultimate frisbee, but i play frisbee instead of those who don't. I'm one up already
I suck at softball, but i play softball instead of those who don't. I'm one up already
I am recovering from PMO, but i make the effort to go through recovery and self discovery instead of those who don't. I'm one up already
I'm not rich, but i dont squander my money and i make effort to help others. I'm one up already

See the point?
We can never be perfect, but we must never be held down by what we perceive to be lacking in ourselves
our weaknesses and strengths are both our strengths.
Be open and honest with everyone. Most of all yourself.
This is what it means to be human. Complete in our incompeteness.

You're doing great. Keep getting up. Keep moving forward.
The world is yours to take.

 

[Paneran87]

I guess tonight I was secretly hoping something would happen. I need to keep reminding myself that when I'm tired and have been drinking that I'm more prone to inappropriate behavior. I let wrong thoughts run through my mind for a major portion of the evening. That's something that needs to change. I can't keep these urges at the front of my brain; They need to be shut down immediately.
Thankfully, nothing happened. At this point in my evening, nothing will. I'm too focused and too aware of the situation to let my addicted brain take over. If I'm going through withdrawal, I'm too aware of it to allow it to affect me. But I can see that this struggle is going to take a turn because I'm passed my first week. From experience I know that I'm going to be in for a rough storm. I need to stay focused on the task at hand and be ready for the symptoms.
Day 9 and it's starting to get rough.

 

[Andy9120]

You are doing really well mate. Please keep up the good work.  I think you and myself are at very similar stages in our journey.  I don't know about you but when I get these negative thoughts I just keep thinking of the positives that come with each day that I am clean.

Thinking clearer, having more time for things that you love and improving yourself as a person.  What could be more exciting than that?

Keep posting on here I am sure that we are all here to help.  We all know what you are currently feeling like.  Let's d this together.

 

[Paneran87]

I must say, I've been doing really well. I've been working on getting enough sleep, which now seems to have been my greatest trigger. On the nights I don't get enough sleep I force myself to take a nap or go to bed earlier. This has worked for two reasons; I can't view pornography when I'm asleep, and I awake more refreshed and levelheaded. But, I can't sleep my thirties away. With a new month comes a new goal. I'm going to start dieting and exercising.
The last time I made a big push like this, I was able to go twenty days without PMO. If I can add another twenty to my current progress, I'll have gone a full month! And that will mean I've made it to a huge milestone! Plus, diet and exercise will give a boost to my self-confidence.
My only challenge is going to be balance. Aiming to work out and still go out with friends may put a strain on my mental abilities. So if it comes down to a choice, I'll need to choose sleep because it's been working so well and I don't want to jeopardize my progress.
Day 14 is a day for extra goals!

 

[RealityCheck]

Excellent work, Haroun, keep the positive attitude and keep moving forward!

 

[Paneran87]

One of the amazing things I've discovered on this reboot is how easily the mind can deceive you. I've read many times how it can subtly draw you into fulfilling its desires. Having self-control is a must!
I was listening to SpotifyRadio this morning and a song came on I had never heard before. I wasn't paying much attention to the lyrics but enjoying the music. It was upbeat and fun. When I did notice the words, they weren't filthy. But the song was about a guy who's girl is into girls.
Woah. Woah. Woah.
From that one verse, I got an erection and my brain started imagining things. I stopped immediately and changed the song. But after 15 days PMO-free, my brain is still grasping for straws. I understand it's a struggle. I just need to be cautious and fully aware. It snuck up on me and I didn't enjoy that.
In the past I would've listened to it a few more times, and may have even opened a web browser on my phone and might have viewed pornography while I drove! My draw to it has been so strong that I would risk my own life and others to view it. It's not worth it. Not at all.
It's all about self-control and being fully aware of the danger. Don't let your brain take over. It's too dangerous and deceitful. My life is too precious to allow myself to be in harms way.
Day 15 started with a song.

 

[32]

Haroun I've just read your thread and it is inspiring, or I should say you are. You have shown great discipline and I want you to keep going but also make sure that you are working towards something that excites and motivates you each and every day. Which I think you are doing, but be sure to avoid complacency. You clearly have the self awareness which is half the fight. The other half is a game plan and to stay in touch with your feelings. Continue to use this forum and similar.material to stay focused. Well done on your profiles so far and I hope to read more positive news soon. 

 

[Andy9120]

Haroun, thank you as always for posting so honestly.  Selfishly it really helps me reading your story as it makes me feel that I am not alone in this struggle.  It is a real battle isn't it but it is one that you and me are going to win.  The positives will be amazing.  Do you feel them slightly already - in terms of clearer head? More motivated in daily life?

I used to view porn while driving too.  And totally get what you mean about a song leading you on.  It happens like that doesn't it.  It also makes me think just how much more commited we must be to our cause.  I suspect that the time will come in the future when we both can listen to any music and not be affected. But for me I am not there yet.

Keep up the good work mate.  Seriously.  We are both doing amazing.